by Melinda Minx
“I used to think that about myself.”
“You think you’ve changed, huh?”
I nodded defiantly.
“My father just threw money at me. I don’t have more than two memories of him before I was ten. We were always with the nanny. It was real clear he didn’t want kids. He wanted to give your grandma kids, because he loved her in his own way, but the actual taking care of his own kids part? Nah, he didn’t need that.”
My lip twitched. It sounded startlingly like how he’d raised Wilder, Wyatt, and me...but without the money. Instead of money we had chores. It did at least instill a work ethic into the three of us, but Dad had never been warm to us.
“I see those gears working in your head, Silas. You’re already a step or two ahead of me.”
“I’m not like you.”
He shrugged. “You think it’s any coincidence that two of my sons became filthy rich? It’s in our blood.”
“Maybe being a shitty father skips a generation, just like the wealth does.”
“That was nurture over nature. If I’d been raised right, I’d have had the mental fortitude to realize the potential of my genes. You’re the most well-rounded of all of us, Silas. You’ve got the playboy streak of Wilder without the dumb-assery. You’ve got the solid head on your shoulders like Wyatt, but with that also comes the need for freedom. And I just saw how you handled that kid. You didn’t want to see him be a pussy. You didn’t handle it as sternly as I would have, but you made him get up on that horse. The methods may have been different, but the result was the same.”
“Do not ever call my son a pussy to my face again, or I will fucking disown you.”
He laughed. “See? You’re afraid he’s not going to live up to your potential. Your blood is boiling because I simply implied he was a little bit afraid. You can be a father, Silas, but you’ll be the kind of father who either forges a fuck-up like me or Wilder, or a ruthless asshole like you. There’s no in between. If you leave that kid and that poor woman alone, then maybe the kid can have a happy life?”
17
Emily
Tessy was showing Elijah how to play Mario. We were at the Nintendo store in Times Square. Tessy wasn’t very good at the game herself, but she was much better than Elijah, who couldn’t make it more than a few steps without falling off a cliff. He watched her play, transfixed, as she shot fireballs out at a piranha plant.
Nadia was going through a big bin of Pokemon stuffed animals. “Why can’t I find Balthazar in here? There’s way too many new Pokemon. There should only be 150, if you ask me. That was the original number when I was growing up. Then they kept adding more and more.”
“You think I should bring it up?” I asked her, hoping she was paying at least some attention to me.
“You could.”
“Should was the question, Nadia, focus.”
She held up a weird and spindly looking blue thing with a big red tongue wrapped around its neck like a scarf. She scrunched her face up at it and held it up so I could see it. “Greninja?” she said, reading the tag on it. “What the hell is a Greninja? This isn’t even cute like the originals.”
“Should I suggest we live together, Nadia. Should, not could.”
She kept holding the stupid Pokemon up, so I sighed. “It’s not cute at all. Why can’t it be as awesome as Pikachu or the fire one or whatever? Happy?”
She threw the Greninja into the bin and crossed her arms. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“Thank you. I’ll help you find Balkizar or whatever after you give me some advice.”
“Balthazar. But okay, deal.”
“I feel like he is really pushing for us to be together.”
“He did have you meet his family.”
I nodded. “And he’s really, really good with Elijah. I wanted to be cautious at first, but I think there is such a thing as being too cautious, in this case.”
“You can’t be too cautious with kids.” She looked over toward our kids to make sure they were still behaving.
“Well, I think it’s like...the iron’s hot, so I should strike it before it cools down?”
“Judging by the way you talked about the sex with Silas, it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be cooling down any time soon.”
“I don’t just mean the sex. It’s like, we have everything really working right now, and our relationship is still malleable. We’re figuring out what it means to be together—with Elijah too—and I don’t want that to settle into this thing where Silas is just this guy we go do fun stuff with every few days. I want him to be a real and constant part of Elijah’s day-to-day life.”
Nadia pursed her lips and nodded as I spoke. She took her time to respond. “You could work toward that without rushing into it though.”
“It feels right though, Nadia. It doesn’t feel like rushing if that makes sense.”
“How do you know it’s not the honeymoon phase talking? Tricking you into throwing caution to the wind?”
“It just doesn’t feel like that.”
“Are you really trying to get my objective advice, or are you just trying to goad me into giving you permission to move things to the next level with him?”
“Maybe a bit of both.” I grinned sheepishly at her. “Ideally you would give me an objective assessment that just so happens to agree with whatever I am already feeling I want to do.”
“I’ll meet you halfway. I think it’s okay for you to go with your gut on this, provided that Silas’ gut is on the same page. Try to feel him out. Give some little hints that you want to move in with him, for example, and see how he reacts.”
“Little hints?”
“Do a sleepover at his place. Bring a bunch of bathroom stuff and stake your claim in his bathroom. Mention that ‘it’s just easier to have stuff here,’ and see how he reacts to it.”
“This sounds like a tried-and-tested thing, Nadia.”
She frowned. “Tried and failed, in my case.”
“What am I looking for?”
“Men are very bad at being subtle and masking their emotions. If he wants you to move in, he’ll be all for it. He’ll clear you a space out to put your stuff. He’ll encourage you to bring more stuff over—he’ll tell you to stay another night—stuff like that.”
“And what are bad signs to look for?”
“Watch his face when you suggest it. If he seems nervous or apprehensive, that’s bad. Put your toothbrush in a ziplock bag, and then see if he lets it sit in there, or if he offers to give it a permanent spot.”
“He bought a bed for Elijah when we went to IKEA, that’s good, right?”
“That’s Elijah though. This needs to be your stuff. Elijah’s stuff could just mean that he wants to take Elijah some nights. It doesn’t mean you are moving in.”
“Understood.”
Elijah ran up to me. “Mommy! Mommy! Tessy was running over the lava, and a lava monster jumped out. She shoot a fireball at it, but the monster was made outta fire so it didn’t got hurt! Then she tried to jump over it, but she fell in the lava and died!”
“Oh no!”
“It’s so funny! Can we buy a Switch?”
“What’s a Switch?”
“It’s a Nintendo console,” Nadia said.
“No, sweetie, we cannot.”
Elijah smiled wide and tentatively pressed his index fingers together. “Maybe Daddy can buy it?”
Nadia laughed. “Hey, Elijah, do you know what Balthazar looks like?”
“He’s big and blue, and he got a plant on his head!”
“That’s right! Balthazar is playing hide-and-seek in this bin, let’s all try to find him.”
18
Silas
I opened the door for Emily, but she was still helping Elijah out of his carseat, so I leaned into the car and helped her with the straps.
Elijah smiled at me. He had an orange ring of crumbs around his mouth.
“Eating Cheetos, buddy?”
“Gold fish,”
he said, grinning.
Emily licked her fingers and ran them around the edges of his mouth. “Don’t judge me, but this is how you end up cleaning a kid’s face.”
“No judgement here.”
I walked them into the building, and I put my key into the elevator to take us up to the penthouse.
Bella was with them, and she wagged her little stump and looked up at me as the elevator doors closed. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to have a dog in my place, especially one that shed as much as Bella, but I knew Emily and Elijah loved her, so I wasn’t going to make her stay all by herself in their apartment.
I eyed the big tote bag in Emily’s hand. She also had a diaper bag, which I had taken hold of.
“You’re just saying one night, right?”
She looked down at the bag, then up at me. “Yeah, unless you want me to stay longer?”
I had wanted her to move in, but the trip to Colorado had rattled me. I kept hearing my dad’s voice in my head. I needed to slow things down—just for a little bit—until I convinced myself that my dad was full of shit. He had a way of getting into my head like that, and I didn’t need that doubt inside of me while trying to push things to the next level with Emily.
“I’ve got a business dinner tomorrow night, so you and Elijah would be pretty much on your own if you stayed an extra night.”
She nodded slowly and smiled up at me, but her eyes narrowed as she smiled.
“Daddy,” Elijah said. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was going to ask me for something. Then he looked up at Emily with a guilty expression, which told me he was going to ask me for something that Emily didn’t want him to ask me. “Can...you buy me a Nintendo Switch?”
I laughed. “Did Mommy already say no?”
“Maybe.”
“Yes,” Emily said, “Mommy already said no.”
“Hmm,” I said, “that’s tricky, because I happen to agree with Mommy, and I don’t think we should buy you one.”
He frowned and nodded. “Okay. Maybe I have to wait until my birthday.”
Emily flashed me a sympathetic smile.
“Well, Elijah, I don’t know if it would be okay with Mommy, but what if I had a Switch here? Do you think it would be okay if you played it just while you were here?”
I looked at Emily, and she nodded.
“Really?” Elijah asked.
I laughed. “Yeah, I already have a Switch, buddy. We can all play together.”
“Do you have Mario Kart?”
I let Elijah play by himself while I got dinner ready, with Emily helping me.
I eyed her big tote bag nervously as I peeled the avocados. What exactly did she have in that thing?
“Grilled cheese and guacamole?” she asked.
I grinned. “I wanted to make sure Elijah would like it. Don’t worry, I’ve got a grown-up version and a kid version of the grilled cheese.”
I showed her the concoction I was working on. “My grandma was Welsh. This is what she used to make for us, it’s called rarebit.” I cracked an egg cleanly into two, then turned the yolk back and forth between both sides until the whites were gone, then I dumped the yolk into the shredded cheese. “This is aged cheddar, nice and sharp. Can you get me the heavy cream?”
She opened the fridge and found the heavy cream on the side of the door, then brought it over to me as I tossed a big dollop of dijon mustard into the bowl. I took the pepper grinder and ground a generous portion of freshly cracked peppercorns into the bowl.
“Want me to pour this in?” she asked.
I nodded. “Just a bit. It should still be mostly solid, but gooey, and I’ve got one more liquid ingredient to go in at the end too.”
She poured a splash of heavy cream in, and I stirred. It was still too dry, so I got Emily to pour another splash in.
“Perfect,” I said, stirring it up.
I opened a bottle of beer and poured some in, grinning at her.
I took a swig of the beer, then handed her the bottle. She took a sip as I stirred everything together.
“This is some fancy grilled cheese.”
“Elijah?” I asked.
He was playing as Shy Guy, and he was currently driving off the edge of Rainbow Road, over and over. Each time the cloud guy brought his kart back onto the track, Elijah laughed, then he drove right off the road again.
“Daddy! Look! The cloud guy is helping me!”
“You like tomatoes?”
“Tomatoes are yucky.”
“Alright, no tomatoes then.”
I turned to Emily. “You don’t think tomatoes are yucky, do you?”
Emily shook her head. “I do not.”
“Good, because they taste awesome on here.”
I had some freshly baked white bread on the counter, and took six slices out of it.
Emily watched skeptically.
“You’re going to want two of these, trust me.” I set aside two of the slices for Elijah’s regular grilled cheese, then I laid all four of our slices out onto the cutting board. I took a butter knife and started spreading the creamy cheese mixture onto each slice.
I took some regular cheddar that wasn’t sharp or aged or anything fancy and put it on Elijah’s slices. I melted some butter onto a pan and threw his sandwich on, pressing it flat with a spatula.
Then I set all of our rarebit pieces directly onto the oven rack.
It was a bit of a juggling act, but everything was done at about the same time. I sliced Elijah’s grilled cheese into four smaller pieces, and I got the slices for Emily and me back onto the cutting board. I sliced up some fresh tomatoes and basil, and put it on top of the freshly melted and beautifully browned cheese mixture, which had completely covered the bread—even on the sides.
“Food is ready!” I shouted over the sound of a red turtle shell slamming into Elijah’s Shy Guy.
I helped Elijah to pause the game, and we all sat down at the table.
Elijah took a bite of his grilled cheese and gave me a thumbs up. “Mommy, Daddy can cook better than you, but not as good as Grandma.”
“Thanks,” she said, smiling at me.
Emily took a bite of her rarebit, and I watched closely to check her reaction. Her eyes widened as she looked up at me. After she finished chewing and swallowed, she mouthed a “wow” and smiled up at me. “I don’t know, Elijah, I think maybe he can cook better than Grandma.”
I shrugged. “Grandma and I should have a cooking competition. Maybe like Iron Chef.”
“Grandma uses the really really yellow cheese,” Elijah says.
“Kraft Singles,” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “Daddy used real cheese, sweetie.”
“I think the yellow cheese tastes better,” he said, “but this still is yummy, Daddy.”
“Thanks, little man.”
“I figured you’d just have your chef cook for us,” Emily said.
“Sometimes I will, but I wanted to show you that I can cook too.”
“It’s surprising that you can...no offense.”
“None taken. My dad never really cooked for us. We could either learn to cook ourselves, or eat nothing but canned food, so Wyatt and I started figuring out how to cook stuff we liked to eat.”
“Not Wilder?”
“He just took advantage of the fact that Wyatt and I would cook. Why learn to do it if he could just let us do it?”
We finished eating and all sat on the couch together to play Mario Kart. Emily was worse than Elijah. At least he was intentionally driving off cliffs.
“You never played Mario Kart growing up?” I asked her.
“My car keeps going off the track,” she said, frowning.
“You are steering the kart, so I don’t think you can blame the kart itself.”
“It drives nothing like a real car. If it’s not the car, then it’s this smug guy driving it. Look at his face! He’s sabotaging me!”
“Wario is a bit harder to steer with, I’ll give you that. The heavier characters don’t t
urn as fast.”
I was in first place, but a giant cannonball hit me. Elijah drove past me and giggled. I looked over at Emily’s screen and watched her fully accelerate into a hair-pin turn. She couldn’t turn fast enough and hit the wall.
I scooted up next to her. “Would you press the pedal all the way down on a real car while turning a sharp corner?”
“There’s no pedal here, Silas.”
I reached over toward her controller, my wrist pressing against her forearm. “Let go of the buttons. I will work the pedals, you just focus on steering.”
I held the button down to accelerate us back onto the track. As we approached the next turn, I let off the gas. When Emily didn’t quite steer well enough, I tapped the break a little bit to keep us from hitting the wall. She turned sharper and managed to get through the turn.
“There you go!” I said, trying to sound as encouraging as possible. “Now I’m hitting the gas! We have to catch up to Elijah.”
It was a miracle that Elijah was in front of us at this point, because he was hitting the walls almost as much as Emily had been. He was in fourth place now, but falling behind as we worked our way up toward the front.
“Steer into that question mark thing!” I said, pointing at the screen.
She swerved over into the question mark, and it got us a red turtle shell.
“What’s that do?” she asked.
“It’s a weapon. I’ll shoot it when we need it.”
Elijah had started to get rolling again. His Shy Guy was driving like a very drunk alcoholic on New Year’s Eve, but he was still making progress, at least up until Luigi hit him with a fireball and zoomed past him.
“Luigi shoot me again!” Elijah said, pouting as his character spun out and lost all its coins.
“Alright, new rules” I said, “we’re all a team now. As long as one of us beats Luigi, then we all win.”
We reached Elijah just as he got moving again. It was the last lap, so we needed to go fast to get to Luigi, who was in third place.