by Kate Temple
Then I popped out, touched the tree and went back the way I came. Simple, really, and totally within the rules! It didn’t say ANYWHERE that you couldn’t use a portal! BUT the rules did say no arguments. So I understand you’re probably a bit upset about losing because you did run very fast BUT on this occasion, I was faster! MUCH faster.
That settles it. If you want to win tomorrow’s Book Parade, you have to make the unicorn butt and I will make the head. I’m very, VERY good at craft, so don’t worry. Once, I made a real sausage dog just out of pipe cleaners and an old shoebox that was actually alive so this unicorn head will be EASY!
Yours speedily,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Augh! You totally cheated...but there’s really no time to argue about it because the Book Parade is tomorrow and I just want to win! WHATEVER, you make the top, I’ll make the bottom. Be warned – if I have to be the bottom I’ll be the BEST unicorn bottom that the world has EVER seen, so you’d better make the head super amazing! You’ll need cardboard boxes, scissors, loads of eco-friendly glitter and sparkles. I’ve made a little diagram here so you know exactly what it should look like.
Also, this job requires scissors. Can you handle scissors? They are quite sharp.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Thank you for your craft instructions and for reminding me that scissors are sharp. I’ll pretend I’m not like TOTALLY offended. I also wanted to remind you to be careful of glue, it’s pretty sticky … and also AIR is pretty INVISIBLE and WATER is pretty WET!
You know what? I can’t believe you think I can’t handle a simple craft job like making a unicorn head. I’ll have you know I’ve made heaps of unicorns in my time, and I know HEAPS about them. I’m basically a bit of an expert when it comes to unicorns. For your information, unicorns aren’t really these fancy glittering things with wings and swirly horns that YOU think they are.
The first unicorns were actually a subspecies of goat crossed with a narwhal, which is why they smell like seaweed and popcorn. I should know, because I’ve actually ridden one. HAVE YOU?
Now don’t forget to bring the unicorn butt. See YOU tomorrow with my awesome unicorn head. Time to shine!
Yours craftily,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Good morning and all that. Today is the big day! You will notice I have brought this AMAZING unicorn bottom. Look at the multicoloured swishy tail! Look at the light-up glitter fur! Look at the sparkly hooves! One question for you: where is the unicorn head? I can’t see it. Did you put it in the storeroom so it wouldn’t get squashed? You should be careful about that, I think it’s a portal to Mars.
Also, I’m wondering why you don’t have shoes on? And why are you sitting very still, staring at the wall? This is very strange. Did you have an ‘accident’ on the way to school?
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
If you’re reading this letter, I have departed on a long space mission and will not be back for at least six trillion years. It has been nice knowing you. The person who looks like Jimmy that is sitting in class RIGHT NOW (without any shoes on) is not the real Jimmy. He’s an alien. Don’t ask him why he is not wearing shoes. It is NOT because he was wearing an amazing unicorn head on the way to school (even though his mum told him not to because he couldn’t see properly and was bumping into stuff) and accidentally stepped in baby sloth poo (or worse). It is NOT because the baby sloth poo smelled so bad that he had to leave his shoes behind a tree and continue to school barefoot. Don’t ask THAT Jimmy what happened to the amazing unicorn head that he and his dad spent so long making. Don’t ask THAT Jimmy if he took off the unicorn head when he was trying unsuccessfully to clean his shoes. It was NOT snatched up by an aggressive wild boar (or small brown dog) who tried to pull the glasses off Professor Unicorn because they were made of meat sticks twisted to look like awesome professor glasses. Don’t ask if THAT Jimmy would have totally caught the wild boar if he’d been wearing his shoes but didn’t because the grass was full of poisonous prickles. Don’t ask if the worst bit was that Clarissa Spatts in 1st Grade saw the whole thing which was NOT extremely embarrassing.
The Jimmy you see in class RIGHT NOW that looks exactly like the old Jimmy is NOT Jimmy. He is an alien. He doesn’t even speak Earth. He speaks a strange alien language that is just blinking, so don’t talk to him unless you are fluent in blinking … which you are not. That Jimmy will not be able to help you win the Book Parade as Professor Unicorn.
I will remember my time on earth fondly. I wish you well. Goodbye.
Yours regretfully,
Jimmy Cook
Dear person who says they’re NOT Jimmy,
Normally I would be really upset with you. I mean, because of you, I have to go to the Book Parade today dressed as a unicorn bottom, without a head. Just the bottom. It’s hardly my idea of an awesome costume. All my friends will be dressed as wizards and princesses and butterflies and me, Alice Toolie – jazz ballet champion, Readathon winner, 1st place in Science Champs, sparkle princess and person voted Most Likely to be Followed By 1000 Cute Kittens – will come to the Book Parade as a unicorn bottom. It’s pretty bad. It might just be the very, very WORST thing that’s happened to me EVER.
But you know what?
It’s not as bad as standing in baby sloth poo, losing your shoes and then having some wild dog steal the costume you were working on all night so you end up on the BEST DAY of the school year, BOOK WEEK PARADE DAY, with no costume and smelling faintly of sloth poo.
That’s REALLY bad. So, normally I would not be thinking this was a good time to shine... but it might be the RIGHT time to shine. You know what? I’m going to surprise you (and myself) because if I have to go out there in front of the WHOLE school dressed as a unicorn bottom then I’m going to be the best unicorn bottom that the world has ever seen.
And if THAT’S not an inspirational character, then I don’t know what is. And you know what else? You’re going to do the same. Sure, you’ve got no shoes and you do still smell a bit like baby sloth poo, but you know that old saying, behind every rain cloud is a flying cupcake! I’ve got the perfect idea for you. Let’s go to the lost property and find you a spotty shirt and a hat that looks like it was knitted from cat fur.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Alice and Jimmy,
Congratulations on winning equal first place in the Book Week Parade! Jimmy, I was very impressed with your Knitting with Cat Fur costume. That certainly is an inspirational book and it was a very original idea.
And Alice! How clever to come as half a unicorn because you have only read HALF of the book! Very witty.
It was also very kind of you both to give the head of your fabulous unicorn costume to little Clarissa Spatts in 1st Grade who forgot her outfit. (She told me a little brown dog gave it to her on the way to school, but I knew it must have been you since you were missing half a unicorn!)
In the end you were both inspirational book friends and that is why you are the winners!
You have both made such big bookish efforts this Book Week. I would like you both to have another try at being my official library monitors.
Ms Murtle
Dear Alice,
I guess it’s like the old saying goes: when life gives you lemons, invent a lemonade-powered intergalactic rocket and make friends with an astronaut spider monkey. Or that other old saying: what goes around, comes around, unless what goes around is a catfish riding a unicycle with coronavirus … in which case that guy can just keep on cycling! Point is, this Book Week has been the BEST of times, it’s been the WORST of times, but in the end, we got through it! We started as library monitors, then we had our shiny badges snatched from us and now we’ve won (or earned) them back. Gold stars! If I was excited the first time to be a library monitor, I’m over the moon this time. And I’ve actually BEEN over the moon,
so that’s really saying something. I’m sad for Casper N and Jenny Philpot, who’ve now been totally fired by Ms Murtle, but you can hardly blame her. They were a little TOO enthusiastic about being library monitors, if you know what I mean. They tried to take my fingerprints and started BANNING people from the library for overdue books! That’s when things went downhill for them, because a library is really a place for everyone. Anyway, maybe they’ll get another turn one day … but not THIS day! Because let me tell you … this time I am going to be the BEST library monitor that ever lived.
Yours astronautically,
Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Me too! As the old saying goes: I’m not going to look THIS gift horse in the mouth! Which sounds really dangerous and unsafe and probably unfair on the poor sweet gift horse unless you’re a qualified vet :( Now that I’m finally back where I belong as an OFFICIAL library monitor, I’m going to be a total star and set a shining example!
I’m not boasting, BUT I’m going to be the VERY best library monitor ever and I’ll never, EVER let anything bad happen to my shiny badge again...(Like having to give it to Jenny Philpot, who by the way is back to being my number-two friend again because I feel sorry for her having to search the entire library for that mystery library poo, which did actually turn out to be a coconut and date roll.) I’ve learned my lesson, that’s for sure. This time, I’m doing everything right.
So the very first order of business is this...
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I’ll bring it tomorrow.
Yours overduely,
Jimmy Cook
Something very bad has happened to Alice Toolie. Her very secret diary has been read by her very worst enemy—Jimmy Cook.
It’s war!
Until Ms Fennel decides that Alice and Jimmy need to make peace and become pen pals for the term.
And it works! Before long, Alice and Jimmy are planning to make billions of dollars for the school fete—and with a captured ghost and jars full of unicorn vomit, it’s sure to be their time to shine.
A laugh-out loud book filled with sparkle and slime, from the CBCA award-winning writers of the Captain Jimmy Cook Discovers series.
Set the dial to catastrophe!
Alice Toolie and her worst enemy Jimmy Cook have a huge problem. Their birthday parties are on the same day, and they have both invited the whole class.
Disaster!
There’s only one solution: a cake-off! Whoever wins gets to party. Literally.
Before long, it’s ferocious Woodland Princesses vs frozen Antarctic Explorers in this hilarious book about worst enemies and even worse-r friends.
HONOUR BOOK: CBCA Book of the Year, Younger Readers, 2017
Jimmy Cook has discovered that he has quite a lot in common with the explorer Captain James Cook. No doubt they were related. So when he finds out that Captain Cook met with a sticky end in Hawaii, he’s determined to travel to the island to finish what he started. His parents aren’t so interested but luckily Jimmy’s favourite brand of cereal is running a competition. First prize: a Hawaiian Holiday.
Jimmy is going to have to eat a lot of full-fibre Wheetblocks to enter, but big dreams come with a big price. And no price is too big when it comes to Jimmy Cook, especially if it means beating the world’s most annoying person, Alice Toolie.
Captain Jimmy Cook has made a Top Secret Important Discovery: a real dinosaur footprint! And everyone knows that underneath a real dinosaur footprint will be a real dinosaur bone. Jimmy has to keep the amazing discovery a big secret because he found it behind a toilet block (that’s totally out-of-bounds).
But even the greatest explorers have problems.
Jimmy’s are these:
1) Everyone in the school now wants to help in The Dig, so it’s just a matter of time before his teacher Ms Fennel puts a stop to the greatest discovery of all time, and
2) a large smelly cat is sitting in his hole.
But luck is on his side. Jimmy’s found a map of the school with a large X on it. And everyone knows what that means—
Treasure! Treasure! Treasure!
If you think you’ve heard every funny story there is then think again … Funny Bones is a super-huge collection of rib-tickling stories, cartoons, comics, jokes and much, much more that’s bound to get even the most serious kid laughing.
With over 100 funny stories, hilarious poems and side-splitting drawings from some of Australia’s favourite and funniest people including Zoë Foster Blake, Josh Pyke, Andy Griffiths, Terry Denton, Hannah Gadsby, Lawrence Leung, Michelle Law, Adrian Beck, Katrina Nannestad, James O’Loghlin, Tom Jellett, Gus Gordon, Danny Katz, Mitch Vane, Sally Rippin, Tristan Bancks, Jessica Walton, Dougal Macpherson, Garth Nix, The Listies, Georgia Productions as well as Oliver Phommavanh and Kate & Jol Temple, Funny Bones will be a bumper addition to any child’s bookshelf. It might get you laughing out loud, but it’s all for a serious cause – all royalties go to the international aid charity, War Child Australia.
Meet a snake who looks like a rake and a parrot who looks like a carrot! This delightful rhyming picture book is for lovers of silly wordplay and funny pictures – a perfectly entertaining book for preschoolers.
This book will make you giggle every time you read it! It takes a very simple concept – what would happen if you mixed an animal with an object? – and adds some kooky illustrations to create a book with lots of mixed-up animals and quirky visual humour.
Small Panda has lost his bottom. It was there when he went to sleep but now it has disappeared. He searches high and low, and finds stripy bums, pink butts, feathery derrieres. ‘Are you my bottom?’ he asks, but none of these bottoms are his. Finally, he spots a furry bum which just has to be his – but the answer is surprising!
A cheeky story for anyone who has ever left something behind.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Kate and Jol are internationally awarded children’s authors whose books have been translated into more than 20 languages. The first book in this series, Captain Jimmy Cook Discovers Third Grade, was awarded Honour book by the Children’s Book Council of Australia. Kate and Jol are also the recipients of the Charlotte Huck Award for outstanding fiction with the potential to transform children’s lives. They live in Sydney, Australia with their two sons and regularly visit schools and writers’ festivals to talk ideas with young readers and writers. When they’re not writing, Kate pretends to play the piano and Jol makes little egg-carton shelters for his Star Wars characters.
ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR
Georgia Norton Lodge is a Sydney-based graphic designer and illustrator. When she’s not creating brands, she’s working on her own business, Georgia Draws A House. People send Georgia a photo of their home, or their address, and in return Georgia draws it for them! Georgia loves to live-draw in front of a crowd and has been seen creating Giant Colouring Books for children across Australia, and drawing ginormous house murals on the sides of people’s homes. She first got in to children’s books when she teamed up with her sister Zoë Norton Lodge, writer and television presenter, to create the popular Elizabella series.