“I know that already,” I said impatiently. “I want to know if we’re a match.”
She nodded, her chin quivering. “Yes. We’re a match. It’s truly a miracle.”
“Oh, thank God,” I said, dangerously close to tears again. “When can I donate?”
“Obviously not now. Even if you were ready,” she said. “I need to go through several rounds of chemo and radiation. You can donate once they’ve killed everything off.”
I wished she hadn’t used the words killed off, but I focused on the positive. “So a few months?”
She nodded.
“I’ll be waiting.”
My eyes drifted shut again, but I heard Violet whisper in my ear, “I love you, Rose.”
The sun was setting when I woke up next. Skeeter was sitting in the chair beside my bed, balancing his laptop on his leg. He glanced up, his eyes softening when he saw me staring back.
“Hey,” he said, closing the lid and setting his computer on the nightstand as he stood.
“Hey, yourself,” I said groggily. “You look all legit with your laptop.”
He chuckled. “I don’t keep my books in old ledgers you know.”
“What about spiral notebooks?” I asked.
“Try QuickBooks.”
“Hey, me too,” I said, forcing my eyes to stay open. “Did you get in trouble with the state police?” While Carter has assured me that wasn’t the case, I wanted to hear it from Skeeter himself.
“I’m just fine,” he said softly. “Don’t you be worryin’ about me.”
“Carter said they’re gonna be watchin’ you.”
“Which was part of the reason I was on my laptop. I already told you the above-board businesses have been outperforming the under-the-table ones, especially with all the turmoil the last few months. Jed and I are going to make a bigger push on the ones approved by Uncle Sam.”
“So you’d give up bein’ king?”
“No.” He paused. “Remember when I told you someone has to be in charge, and I’m a better alternative than a lot of men? I still believe that to be true. Things are too shaky for me to just abdicate. So I’ll do as much as I can legit and work on keepin’ the peace in the underworld.”
“Sounds like you’re doin’ something selfless, James Malcolm,” I teased.
“God, no,” he said in disgust. “Say that in public, and I’ll call you a dirty liar.”
“I suppose I owe you another six months,” I said, turning serious. “For savin’ Mason’s life.”
He lifted a shoulder and grimaced. “That was a freebie.”
“You were right,” I said, fighting to keep my eyes open. “When you told J.R. you had changed. You have. You care about people.”
He leaned over and tenderly kissed a spot on my forehead. “That was all you, Rose.”
I grinned. “I might have pointed a thing or two out to you, but the rest was all you.”
He quickly changed the subject, then called Jed to bring us hamburgers and fries. Jed and Neely Kate ate with us, and I managed to keep down a few fries.
The room was dark when I awoke, but Jonah was dozing in the chair beside me. A tablet and his bible sat on the nightstand—he’d clearing been working on his sermon.
I watched him sleep for a few minutes, not wanting to disturb him, but once again, I realized how lucky I was to be blessed. My entire life, I’d struggled with being alone. Now my cup overflowed with friends.
I fell back asleep, surprised to find myself alone when I woke up again. To my surprise, I was also hungry. Sunlight streamed in through the window. I pushed the button to call for the nurse.
When Neely Kate showed up, she was happy to see the nurse had removed my IV and that I’d had few bites of toast and Jell-O.
“She said I could go home in a few hours. After the doctor makes rounds.”
“That’s good news,” she said. “Muffy is stayin’ with your brother-in-law. We can pick her up on the way.”
“I want to see Mason.”
Neely Kate studied me for a moment, then nodded. “Fine, but you have to ride in a wheelchair this time. Jed’s not here to carry you back.”
My head felt better, but I nodded in acceptance. I wasn’t sure how strong I’d be coming back. I had a feeling the guilt from seeing him would tear me apart.
She procured a chair, then pushed me toward the elevator, chattering on and on like a magpie. I didn’t pay attention to a word she said, but I was grateful to her nonetheless. The silence would have strained us both.
Once we reached Mason’s room—thankfully a regular room—Neely Kate pushed my chair aside and knocked on the door. Maeve answered, looking exhausted and thinner than I’d ever seen her.
“Rose,” she said, smiling. “You are just what the doctor ordered. Mason’s been asking about you nonstop. I wouldn’t have put it past him to crawl down the hall to see you. But it felt wrong to ask you to come.”
“Rose has been the same way,” Neely Kate groaned. “I had to force her to use a wheelchair to come down here.”
“How’s he doin’?” I asked, twisting my hands in my lap.
Maeve’s smile fell. “He’s sleeping right now. He’s been in a lot of pain, and his spirits are low, but I think you’ll be a good cure for that.”
I nodded. I hoped so.
Neely Kate pushed me into the room and next to his bed. He was connected to various tubes and monitors, and like Maeve had said, he was sleeping.
Tears filled my eyes as I took in his pale face. He’d gotten shot because of me.
But then his eyes fluttered open. He smiled when he saw me, and some of my worries faded.
Neely Kate leaned toward my ear. “Maeve and I are going to get a cup of coffee. Press the call button if you need a nurse.”
“Okay.”
As soon as they left the room, I stood, pushing the wheelchair a few feet away.
“Rose,” he said, sounding hoarse. “You shouldn’t—”
“Hush,” I said, taking his hand in mine. “I’m only in that thing because it was the easiest way to get Neely Kate on board with comin’ to see you.”
He looked up at me, worry in his eyes. “You’re okay?”
“I’m fine. A concussion and some broken ribs. I’ll survive.”
“Your face . . .”
I grimaced, then flinched from the pain. “Everyone keeps telling me how bad it looks, but Neely Kate has shrouded the mirror. She even makes me eat my Jell-O with a plastic spoon so I didn’t accidently see myself.”
He squeezed my hand. “You’re beautiful.”
My heart melted. I loved this man something fierce, but I couldn’t ignore my unsettled feeling. “You saved me, Mason. And then you almost died. Because of me.”
“Sweetheart,” he said, searching my face. “I love you. I would do anything to protect you.”
I nodded, tears filling my eyes. “Me too.”
He smiled. “I know. You’ve proved that time and time again. Only, I was too stupid to acknowledge it.”
“Mason, no.”
“Rose.” He waited. “In some ways, I’ve treated you no better than Joe did.”
“That’s not true!”
“It is. We both know it’s true.” He paused. “I’ve never known anyone like you.”
I cringed. “I think that was a compliment.”
He chuckled, then tensed with pain. “The highest of compliments.” He looked down at our clasped hands and stroked the back of my knuckles with his thumb. “Sometimes I forget how young you are.”
My chest constricted, sending pain through my broken ribs. “What does that mean?” I asked, my voice sounding strangled. “I’m twenty-five years old, Mason. I’m hardly a child.”
His gaze lifted to mine. “But you were until last year when your mother died. You’d lived such a sheltered life. And then, like a butterfly, you were set free.” His eyes glistened. “But Joe held you back. We both know it, and I think Joe knows it, too, when he lets himself a
cknowledge it.”
I shook my head, ignoring the pain that shot through it. “What are you saying, Mason?”
“I’m saying you’ve only really been free for eight months, and during that time you’ve been in two serious relationships. You’ve never had the chance to find out who you really are.”
I started to cry. “That’s the biggest load of dog crap I’ve ever heard, Mason Deveraux. I know exactly who I am.”
“I think I’ve known it for a month or so, maybe even since our pregnancy scare. I would have married you in a heartbeat. I’d marry you right now without a single regret. But I never stopped to ask myself if you were ready.”
“Then why don’t you ask me, Mason?” I said, getting angry. “I love you—” My voice broke. “I risked everything to save you. How can you doubt me?”
“Oh, Rose. Sweetheart.” He lifted his hand to the back of my head. “I have never once doubted that you love me. When you love, you love with your whole heart. You glow with it. I know how blessed I am to have that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I’m holding you back.”
“No.”
“Yes. Tell me the truth. Over the last two days, how many times have you thought of me or wanted to talk to me?”
I sucked in a breath, sending daggers into my side. “That’s not fair.”
“No, it’s not. I haven’t been fair to you,” he said. “I’m thirty-three years old. I’ve had my fun, but now I’m ready to settle down. I’m ready for a family.”
“And so am I.”
He shook his head. “No, you’re just starting to live your life. You need to experience it before you can settle down. You may be twenty-five, but you haven’t had a chance to experience a full life like most twenty-five-year-olds have. I don’t want to steal that from you. I don’t want you to resent me for it later.”
“How can you say that?”
“You found it liberating to do what you needed to do without checking in with me,” he said softly. “Look deep inside and tell me I’m wrong.”
I didn’t have to look too deep.
“I think I fully realized it yesterday, as I worried myself sick over you. When I saw you in the stairwell, I knew you didn’t need me like I need you.”
My chest hurt. “That’s not fair, Mason.”
“It’s not a criticism of you,” he said softly. “It’s only a sign that you’re not ready. You still have living to do.” When I didn’t answer, he said, “When you broke up with me, I panicked. It made me realize something. Besides my job, I’ve made you my whole world, but you have so much more.”
A lump filled my throat as tears rolled down my face.
“I realize I probably need more in my life, too.”
“You’re leaving me,” I choked out. “Because of the Lady in Black. Because of my association with Skeeter.”
“No, but it brings up a good point. Jed Carlisle is your friend”—he squeezed my hand when I started to protest—“I know there’s nothing between you. He cares for you as a friend. But we both know that Jed—and Skeeter—have a reputation. A reputation that could hurt me with your association with them.”
“You want me to not be friends with them?”
“No, Rose. The opposite. You have no idea how relieved I’ve been knowing Jed was watching over you when I wasn’t there. That he shows up as your bodyguard when you put yourself into dangerous situations.” He gave me a sad smile. “And yes, you will find yourself in one again. You can’t help it. They find you. But I want to know you’re as protected as possible. And that means having Jed Carlisle there to watch over you.”
“And Skeeter.”
His eyes darkened. “And Skeeter Malcolm.”
“There’s nothing between us, Mason. I would never cheat on you.”
“Sweetheart, you are the last person I would think capable of cheating.”
“Then what?” I asked.
“He loves you, Rose. You have to know that.”
“He’s never made an advance.”
A wry smile lifted his mouth. “Which only proves my point.” He shook his head. “I’m off track here. The point is they are your friends—loyal friends—who could hurt my reputation and career if it became known that you’re friends with them. And you’re right, I love what I do. I love seeking justice . . . on the right side of the law. I’m not ready to give it up. Your friendships could end my career.”
“You want me to choose.”
“No. I don’t want you to be forced to choose at all. I’m choosing for both of us. I’m making the choice to end us before we hate each other for things we’re not ready to change.”
“You’re breaking up with me,” I said in disbelief. How was this happening? But I had to acknowledge that he was saying everything Neely Kate, and Jonah had already said. He was confirming things I’d told myself. Deep in my gut, I knew he was right, but my heart refused to accept this. Why couldn’t love be enough?
Tears filled his eyes. “My hope is that I can give you time. Time to live your life without having to answer to someone else. And my hope—” His voice broke. “My hope is that someday you’ll still want me. That this isn’t goodbye forever. I’m fully aware that you might end up with someone else, but it’s a risk I need to take.”
“I love you, Mason. I don’t want to be with someone else. I don’t want this to be the end of us.” But he was right. His life and mine were at odds that could destroy his career.
He pulled my lips to his and gave me a gentle kiss. “I’m not calling it an end. I’m hoping it’s an interlude. I still want to spend the rest of my life with you, Rose. We love each other so much, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.” A sad smile covered his face. “Maybe it’s a matter of timing. When you’re ready to settle down, maybe I’ll be ready to give up working as a district attorney and have more time for you and a family. Maybe we’ll work then.”
He loved me. There had to be a way to work this out.
“But we can’t stay away from each other. This will never work,” I said softly. “The other day was proof of that. I broke up with you, but we couldn’t stay away.” Would my inability to stay away from Mason destroy him? Would he hate me for it? I couldn’t bear the thought of that either.
“I know. Which is why I called the attorney general after I left you in the stairwell and accepted the job he’d offered me in Little Rock.”
I took a step backward, bumping into a chair. “You did what? Without talking to me first?”
He looked heartbroken. “I knew I needed to give us space.”
“When?” I choked out.
“I was supposed to start at the first of the month, but losing half my liver has put a damper on that.” He grimaced. “I’ll go as soon as I can make it happen. But I have a favor to ask of you, even though I have no right.”
I nodded, trying to hold by my tears. While I knew this was probably the right decision, my heart was being ripped apart. “What?”
“Will you look out for my mother? She loves it here, and she’s made so many friends. But sometimes she gives too much. Just make sure she takes care of herself.”
“Of course. I love Maeve.”
“She loves you, too.”
We were silent for an unbearable moment.
“So that’s it?” I asked, crying again. “I’m supposed to just walk out and say goodbye?” How did I walk away from the man I’d planned to spend the rest of my life with?
“Not goodbye, Rose. I hope it’s not goodbye.”
I wanted to hate him for breaking my heart. But there was no denying the truth in what he was saying. I had felt free over the last week. I would destroy his career. We would resent each other.
I would rather let us go now while we still loved each other than later, when we would surely be at odds and be filled with hate and resentment.
Because I loved him. I loved him more than I’d ever loved anyone before. But he was right.
Sometimes love wasn’t enough.
No.
That wasn’t true. Love was enough.
Sometimes it was the only thing that gave us the strength to do what needed to be done.
Chapter 35
I sat on the front porch of my farmhouse, covered in a thick blanket while I watched Muffy play in the yard. I was making a slower recovery than the doctor had expected, so he still hadn’t cleared me to go back to work, even after a couple of weeks. I didn’t tell him that he didn’t have a medicine to cure my true ailment.
I knew from experience that only time could heal a broken heart.
Mason had been released from the hospital a few days before. I hadn’t told anyone about our official breakup—and I was pretty sure he hadn’t talked about it either—but we’d been apart for a week before the factory fire, so no one really asked.
But Neely Kate knew without me even telling her.
The front door opened, and Neely Kate walked onto the porch. Plopping down in the chair beside me, she said, “It’s supposed to warm up tomorrow.”
“Really?” I asked.
“Maybe we can go to the Tibeau job site and you can tell me what to do. It’s a small one. I think I can handle it.” She looked over and grinned. “You can bring a chair and look like the queen of Henryetta bossin’ your subjects around. I’ll even get you a tiara.”
I chuckled. “You hate people bossin’ you around.”
“I might make an exception in this one instance.” She stood and pulled me to my feet. “Enough mopin’. We’re having a girls’ night out. Dressin’ up and everything.”
I laughed. “You just want to have a reason to wear that new dress you ordered online.”
She propped a hand on her hip. “And what’s wrong with that?”
I instinctively touched my face. The swelling had gone down, but bruises still lingered. Neely Kate had experimented on me with makeup the day before and declared me ready for public. “Nothing. Just making an observation.”
“Come on. I’ll do your hair.”
I wasn’t sure whether to be excited or scared. The last time she’d fixed my hair, it ended up looking like a family of robins had made it their home.
But an hour later, Neely Kate and I were dressed to the nines—wearing dresses and heels, with makeup and styled hair that I’d approved. We walked into Jaspers and were led to a table for two.
Thirty-Six and a Half Motives: Rose Gardner Mystery #9 (Rose Gardner Mystery Series) Page 37