Emerge

by Lila Felix

  I studied the back of his head and memorized the hairline which threatened to go into his collar and my fingers twitched in want of reaching out to touch him. I longed to find out what he smelled like. I wanted to wrap my arms around that neck and push my face into his neck while he told me why he was stressed. I closed my eyes instantaneously and rattled the thoughts out of my head. Get over yourself, Jenna….as if. I instead opened my latest reading conquest and began to lose myself in the tale of a wolf-man and his mate.

  After a while, I looked up as movement caught my eye in front of me. That same guy from the hallway, who tipped me off to Carlos’ name, was giving him crazy eyes like he was watching Wimbledon on a big screen TV. After a minute his tennis eyes took over his head and he began bobbing it, towards my way. I wondered if there was a girl behind me who they thought was hot or he had a violent twitch. I glanced back to see who it was so I could berate myself mentally for not looking more like her. I didn’t see any girls behind me and so I resumed being entranced by the wolf claiming his mate. My book was pushed slightly and suddenly I was face to face with him. He was turned around towards his left and looking over my book at me.

  “Hi, Jenna,” he said with a voice that curled my toes in the security of my Chucks.

  “Oh, hi…”

  I tried to be so cool. I sounded like a prairie dog on crack.

  “You know my name?” I said.

  “Um…yeah…Mr. Escobar said your name when he was giving out the parts in the play.”

  “Oh, yeah…”

  I rolled my eyes at myself just wallowing in my stupidity.

  “So…” he smiled, “have you learned your lines yet?”

  I half smiled back, “ Nah, I don’t have many so I really haven’t started yet.”

  He chuckled a little at that and added “Well, next week we start practicing in the theater every class so you should learn them.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “I’ll do that.”

  “It will be nice to see you somewhere out of this classroom.”

  As he spoke I noticed for the first time that today he had dark circles under his eyes and he looked exhausted. I wondered why, but again, I was too much of a chicken to ask. He turned back around while I was still in La-La Land and I resumed reading until the bell rang. As he got his backpack to leave he turned around and gave me a look that stilled my heart. He gently tugged at the end of one of my brown strands of hair.

  “By the way, your hair looks pretty like that.”

  He said this and then made a quick exit with the other students. He just left. Note to self: Never put your hair up again….ever. It took me at least a minute to be able to move again to catch the bus.

  The next day was more of the same conversation as the day before and I cringed at the thought of practicing in the theater on Monday and of not seeing Carlos for two days. The weekend went off without a hitch as Mr. Tyrant and Mrs. Cleaver were still playing nice and had even let May watch some TV. I worked for twelve hours on Saturday. Mr. Cannon said I could because the place was swamped. I never thought a sheet music store could be swamped, but it was really busy. I was glad for it. It got me out of the house and hooked me up with a sweet paycheck. And while I worked I daydreamed of the boy with caramel and cinnamon skin who made me want to find a home in his arms and let his heartbeat soothe my battered mind.

  Chapter 5

  The next month came and went with side glances and smiles and simple small conversation. He laughed at my goofy jokes and I hung on to his every word. I was asked by several of the girls in Drama class if I liked him. Whether or not he had asked me out. Whether or not he liked me. I blushed when I was asked if I liked him and my rose red cheeks gave the answer that my mouth could not bear to give. I truly didn’t know if he was into me or not. If I had to go only by his glances or his smile I would say “yes.” But if I had to go by actions, I wouldn’t know the answer. He often lent a hand to help me up when we were all sitting around and he opened the door for me, but he hadn’t asked for my phone number and he hadn’t asked me out. Maybe he had a girlfriend. The very thought turned my stomach.

  Home was like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone. Something dramatic had changed during that last episode between the Tyrant and my Mom. I wish I knew what it was so I could keep it in my pocket for the future, but I didn’t know. She was keeping the house fairly clean and hadn’t traded any of our food stamps for cigarette money yet this month. Food was cooked and she even enrolled May in a preschool and was taking her every day. It was some kind of income based preschool and of course we qualified because there was no income.

  I had found out that our rent was being paid by a different relative every month. It used to be paid by my Dad, but as soon as I turned 18, my child support checks had stopped. I know my Step-Dad’s relatives thought they were helping, but they were just allowing them to remain unemployed. Neither one of them were speaking to me and I didn’t speak to them for fear of spooking them out of their “happy little family” routine. May was coming out of her shell and I was beginning to lose the fear that I would never be able to leave home because I needed to protect her. Maybe she would be ok. Maybe they would take care of her.

  Going to the theater instead of the classroom became routine and something I looked forward to; even though nothing significant had happened. It was the last Friday before the performances which were scheduled for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. It made me nauseated to think about an actual crowd filling these lonely seats. I went from the sunshine day to the dark of the theater and was temporarily blinded by the dark. I walked past the first row of theater seats and inhaled the muggy old scent of the theater. I chucked my messenger bag onto one of the seats in the second row and made my way to the dressing room to help some of the other girls with their make-up. I had helped Anna with her gaudy “girl gets around town” make-up for her character and walked out onto the stage for a breather.

  I sat on the edge of the stage on what I had learned was stage right near the curtains and swung my legs over the edge. I watched as the students on the stage to my left rehearsed with dramatic flair as the mother in the play did not approve of her son marrying that ho-bag. I looked out over the theater seats and then I heard the theater doors open to my left. The sun from outside made me put my hand up above my brow to help me see. What I saw next caused my stomach to do more tumbles than a gymnast on meth. It was Carlos, dressed in a button down shirt with his trademark sleeves rolled up to his elbows wearing brown boots and scruffy jeans. He had a leather wrist band on today, but it was what was on the other arm, or should I say hip that instantly smashed my heart and confirmed my doubts.

  On his hip was the loveliest baby I had ever seen and on the other side of that baby was a petite pretty Hispanic girl, our age, with long black hair, holding the baby’s hand. I had seen her before at school. She was in my homeroom during her pregnancy and had stopped coming near the end. I never saw her with a guy. The inner dialogue began, my cheeks turned to flame and my pretzels I had eaten for lunch taunted and threatened to make themselves known by coming up through my throat. That’s a baby. It’s his baby. Oh God, that’s his girlfriend or wife and his baby. He has a baby! You are a home-wrecker. I can’t believe you thought he liked you. Why would he when he already has her? He has a baby! What the hell were you thinking? You are living in a state of delusion! Moron alert!

  I thought these things as I pushed up off of the stage and made a bee-line through the blood red, heavy curtains and pulled them right and left in a panic to hide. I finally reached the girls’ dressing room and closed the door behind me and sat on the nearest thing, which was an ancient space heater attached underneath the window. I could hear my heart beating in my ears and looked around to see if anyone could hear it too. This was the first time I had ever begged for the clock to end Drama class for the day. A girl who had previously asked me about Carlos came in suddenly, closing the door behind her and was a bit out of breath.

  “Did you s
ee that,” she huffed.

  “Which part, the girlfriend or the baby?” I spat at her.

  My fear and hurt had quickly turned into frustration and anger. The anger protected me when I needed it. And I needed it now.

  She then puffed, “But that’s Natalie. I’ve seen her with another guy and I could’ve sworn they were together.”

  Huff, huff, puff… “Maybe we are misunderstanding.”

  But I had made up my mind.

  “Well, I’m not sticking around to find out.”

  “Can you go get my bag for me?” I begged her.

  She came back quickly, still gasping for air and handed me my bag.

  “Thanks,” I whispered. She began to protest.

  “But, Jenna..”

  I threw up my hand to make her stop. I grabbed my bag and for the first time ever I skipped class and left school early. I ducked out through the back of the theater and through a hole in the outside gate that I had heard the other kids talking about and freed myself from school and from the thoughts of him.

  I caught the public bus closest to school and took the scenic route back home so I would arrive home around the same time as usual so I didn’t trip up Mom. Not that they cared. Hell, they were still not speaking to me. I cried on the bus…cried until I was cried dry. By the time I made it home I was numb from head to toe. I walked through the kitchen, through the now clean house, collapsed and let my sleep take away my thoughts. No one had spoken to me on my way to my bed and no one asked if I was ok.

  Chapter 6

  The weekend was long, and it was exactly the way I wanted it. I wanted it to drag out forever and for Monday to never come. I know everybody wishes that the weekend would last forever and it was a first that I agreed. But Monday came and I slothed out of bed, now determined not to let this boy get me down. I justified it in my head. He just smiled and complimented your hair, Idiot. He didn’t profess his love or give you a ring. What are you? Some lovesick little girl who’s gonna cry just because he’s already taken? Just because you’ll never be enveloped in his arms? Just because you thought you could be safe with him? Just because you yearn to feel his hands on you? Ok, ok, stop already.

  That useless little pep talk got me all the way through the day until fifth period ended and then I was back to hating Drama, the class and the experience. It was all I could do to make my feet walk the path that I knew would take me back to where he was…Where I saw him with her. I walked through the Science building, taking a detour to the theater. I stepped out of the Science building determined to hold my head up high. I walked pointedly towards the theater doors and when I went to open them a strong, warm, calloused hand grabbed my elbow. “Jenna, please wait,” he said.

  I stared through the crack of the open theater door as it slowly shut before me. I was so close to it that I wondered if it was going to catch on the tip of my nose as it passed. And I kept staring until it was fully closed. I knew who was talking to me. I think I would recognize his voice in a sea of people at a rock concert. I took two deep breaths before I turned to face him.

  “What?” I asked with a smile so fake it couldn’t be rivaled by Barbie herself.

  “I wanted to talk to you,” he nervously said as he put his hands into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels.

  “Me? Why?” I asked.

  He huffed out a slow breath and let it out again. His thumbs were in his front pockets and he was shuffling his feet in the rocks on the ground.

  “Can we talk over here?” he asked as he pointed towards a bench which had been tagged with random graffiti.

  I looked around in anticipation at what he wanted to say.

  “Yeah,” I answered and sat down, stiff as a board on the dilapidated bench.

  “I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea on Friday. I saw your face when I walked in, but…”

  He looked me straight in the eye and I could see the honesty through his. But I was still feeling snarky.

  “I think I got the idea loud and clear. And I’m glad for you. She’s a beautiful baby.”

  I had decided midway that I wanted to take the high road.

  “Well…” he started, “she is a beautiful baby, and Natalie is one of my closest friends.”

  “That’s great. You looked happy.”

  Oh, this high road thing was really starting to suck.

  “Yeah, I never thought being a Godparent would be so much fun. But Caroline is great.”

  I stumbled in my logic, in my emotions and in my speech.

  “Godparent?” I whispered, quietly begging for this to be true.

  He chuckled that long slow delicious chuckle and chastised

  “Yeah, what’d you think?”

  I blushed with such force that I was sure a satellite could’ve picked up the hue.

  “Um…well….”

  He reached out and touched my arm right above my wrist and slowly moved it down to settle on the side of my hand.

  “I’m so sorry. I should’ve said something before, but Natalie wanted to meet you and she had brought the baby to school to see all of her friends and… I didn’t think.”

  I didn’t know what to say. We weren’t together. Why was he apologizing? I was so completely embarrassed.

  “I’m sorry too. I assumed…I mean I saw you and I thought…I shouldn’t have…”

  He was holding my hand now. Stroking the outside of my hand with his thumb back and forth. Were his hands really warm or were mine really cold? I didn’t really care which.

  “It’s ok. Now you know. And there’s something else you should know.”

  Surely my sternum was going to crack any moment. I mean..my heart thumping was ridiculous.

  “What?” I said it all breathy, it sounded like I was trying to be a girl on a ‘1-900 talk to a skank’ commercial.

  “I think you’re smart and you…” He took a deep breath and bounced his knee a bit, but he never let go of my hand.

  “Jenna, I think you’re beautiful and well…can we go out sometime? I would love to get to know you.”

  My answer came out before I could even think it over.

  “Yeah.”

  He smiled…oh, that smile. All of my stress and worry about him and that girl and that baby was gone in an instant and what he felt about me was confirmed in that conversation and in that smile. We sat staring at each other for who knows how long and then made our way into the theater. We practiced and went through the plays as if we had a packed house. Some people still didn’t know their lines and I still sucked at mine but it was going to be ok. The deal was, you participate in the play, you get an ‘A’.

  After class was over, I gathered my bag and my sweater and made my way towards the doors to catch the bus, and a hand intertwined with mine and a wave of heat crept up my body starting with the hand that was held so dearly.

  “Didn’t we forget something?” he asked.

  I could think of tons of things that we didn’t do that I wanted to do with him or to him, but I said, “We did?”

  He smiled and said, “Yeah, I didn’t get your phone number.”

  “Oh” I smiled and tried not to let on what I was really thinking about.

  Would they even let me talk on the phone? Would I have any privacy? What if he calls and they answer and give him a hard time? I put those thoughts on the backburner and took a pen from my bag.

  “Here.” I turned his hand over to write my number on it and he stopped me.

  “No, I have to go to work tonight and it will wear off. Write it on my notebook. Here”

  He handed me a blue spiral bound notebook. I did as he asked and then questioned him.

  “You work at night?”

  He nodded and said, “Yeah, my brother and I live in an apartment together and so I have to work”

  I nodded and said, “I understand. Well, I have to catch the bus, so I will see you tomorrow, ok?”

  I was having a hard time letting go of his hand. Our fingertips were still touchi
ng as we walked away and he said, “Ok, tomorrow.”

  I made myself face forward and not look back as I walked away but hoped that he had glanced back.

  I made it home but there was no one there. A note was left on the window of the backdoor that was now sported duct tape instead of glass. Jenna, we are going to visit your Aunt Catherine for a few days. We left food in the fridge. That was it. No “I love you” or “Kiss my butt” or anything. Aunt Catherine lived in Las Vegas so it was about 8 hours away. It was actually a relief now. Ever since that trip where they lost all of their money my Mom was being a Mom. Well, she was being a Mom to May and that’s all I cared about. I walked into the house and was glad for the silence. I could wait out his call knowing I was free to talk to him without prying eyes or ears.

  So, then I played that game where you pretend you’re not waiting for someone to call. I cleaned, I did homework, I read, I showered and made dinner. And by the time I was elbow deep in dish water, the phone rang. I ran with the dish rag still drying my hands to the ringing. I checked the caller id and it was a local number that I didn’t know.

  I answered, giving the caller my best suave, “Hello”.

  “Hey,” the baritone voice answered. “It’s me. I’m sorry. I hope it’s not too late to call.”

  I was so excited that I had twisted that poor dish rag until it wouldn’t twist any more.

  “No, it’s fine. I stay up pretty late.” I giggled. God, I’m losing it. Why was I giggling? Nothing was funny.

  “Oh, good. I’m on my lunch break,” he said, sounding relieved.

  “Oh, well shouldn’t you be eating? I mean…I’m glad you called but I don’t want you not to eat.”

  He laughed into the phone. “No, I don’t eat when I’m here. It’s too late to eat. It makes me tired.”

  Poor guy, it was obvious to me why he was looking so tired the other day. He was exhausted from going to school all day and then working all night.

  “That makes sense,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

  “So, what are you doing tonight?” he asked. He sounded like he’d never done this before.