“I’m concerned about you, Aubrey,” she remarked, her voice softening marginally.
“Concerned?” I asked, not exactly sure how I was supposed to take her proclamation.
“I know you’ve been through a lot in the last few weeks. You’ve lost your way. Veered off course. Am I using the correct euphemisms?” Her lips quirked into a more natural smile, and even though I appreciated her effort, I couldn’t reciprocate.
It was disconcerting to be read so clearly. “I suppose I have,” I said softly.
“How did you get to this point, Aubrey?” Dr. Lowell’s question was startling in its straightforwardness. I knew exactly what she was doing. She was shrinking me. She was looking at me as a patient. A client. It was mortifying to know that the strong, competent exterior I had been developing for years was nowhere to be found. I wasn’t fooling anyone anymore, least of all Dr. Lowell.
What had led me to this point? Christ, I had been wondering the same thing since I had watched Maxx fight for his life on that disgusting bathroom floor.
A thousand unanswered questions had flitted through my mind in that small space of time. In the split second it took for me to realize the man I loved was dying because of his own demons and my inability to see them, I had realized that I really didn’t know myself at all.
I rubbed the cuff bracelet with a bit more ferocity.
“I’m not sure, Dr. Lowell,” I answered, trying not to be vague, but only honest.
Dr. Lowell rubbed a red spot on the bridge of her nose from her glasses. She looked as though she had a headache. I knew my actions had affected more people than just me. That she, being my adviser, had most likely received a lot of flak for not picking up on the situation. I had put more than my future at risk by making the choices that I had. And I had been too selfish and self-absorbed to realize that.
But then, at the time, nothing had mattered but the love I had discovered with the worst possible person.
“You’re a smart young woman, Aubrey. You have a lot of potential. I’ve always appreciated how open and honest you’ve been about your history. About the ways in which your sister’s death has affected you. But perhaps we’re here through failings on my part. I put you in a position where you would be opening yourself up to things that could possibly trigger you. It was unfair of me to put that kind of pressure on you. I saw the red flags. Kristie had brought to my attention some incidents that I was too quick to dismiss. I think that at the end of the day, I’m just as culpable in this situation as you are, Aubrey.” Dr. Lowell looked tired and sad, resigned.
“Dr. Lowell, that’s not true. You’ve been nothing but supportive. I can’t thank you enough for putting faith in me in the first place. I’m the one who messed up, not you. I did something I knew was wrong and hid it from everyone,” I said, glad I was able to get that out without crying.
Dr. Lowell sat back in her chair and looked at me over the rim of her glasses. “And that, right there, is what sets you apart, Aubrey.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can’t undo what happened. The only thing I had hoped was for you to take responsibility.” Dr. Lowell took off her glasses and slowly put them down on her desk.
“I remember reading a quote back during my undergrad years that said, Adversity is the first path to truth. Over the years, I’ve found this to be the truest statement I’ve ever heard. You have to go through the hard stuff to find exactly where you need to be. And I believe that how we react in our bleakest moments is a testament to the person we really are.”
Dr. Lowell smiled again, and this time it was genuine and maybe tinged with something that looked like pride.
“You’ve impressed me, Aubrey.”
I had to be hallucinating. Was she for real? Impressed with what? My ability to make really shitty decisions?
“It would be easy for you to blame Maxx. Or to use a myriad of excuses to justify your behavior, but you haven’t done any of that. You’ve stood up and accepted your punishment and taken the lashing. It shows a true strength of character, in my opinion.”
I cleared my throat, not entirely sure what to say.
“Well, thank you,” I finally said.
“During your hearing, it was briefly discussed that you can earn your spot back in the program. I assume you’re auditing the Boundaries and Ethics class that is required of you.”
I nodded. I had handed in the necessary paperwork just that morning. My first class would be next week.
“If you follow through on the class and the supervision hours with me, the department will reassess your place at the end of the year.” Dr. Lowell looked up from the folder in her hands and met my eyes. “In spite of everything, Aubrey, I truly think that you have a place in this program.” Dr. Lowell gave me a long and steady look. “If that’s what you still want.”
I thought about what she was asking me. At one time the answer would have been a resounding yes. But my confidence had been shaken to its core. So now . . . I wasn’t so sure.
“You’re hesitating. I thought being a counselor was what you wanted to do,” Dr. Lowell said.
I looked out the window and watched students rush by on their way to classes. I had been like them once. Confident and sure in my path. But how could I be assured that my path was the right one when I had veered off course so badly?
“What if I’m not cut out for it? You said yourself that given my past, I’m easily triggered. How can I possibly help other people when I haven’t been able to help myself? What sort of person falls in love with a patient? What kind of counselor does the things I’ve done?” I asked in an agonized rush.
Dr. Lowell’s face became thoughtful.
“I’m going to use some therapy mumbo jumbo and turn this around on you.” Dr. Lowell leaned forward, her hands folded on her desk, and she peered levelly at me, her eyes dark and serious. “How would you answer those questions? Do you think you are equipped to help someone else, given your own experiences? What does your gut tell you?”
I smiled involuntarily. “It says that it’s because of my experiences that I can help someone else.” Dr. Lowell nodded in agreement. “But,” I continued, “that doesn’t change the fact that I crossed the line, Dr. Lowell. What if I mess up again?” And there was the root of my problem. I had lost confidence in myself, and I wasn’t sure I could get that back.
“I can’t answer that for you, Aubrey. But what I can tell you is if you take your future seriously, if you’re willing to work for it, then we can try to get things back on track for you. It’ll take a lot for you to prove that you’re able to resume your spot in the program. And you have to take it very seriously.” Dr. Lowell took a sip of coffee while I thought about what she was saying.
“Are you ready to do that?” she asked me.
Despite the twinge of apprehension I felt at possibly failing again, I knew that I couldn’t let this opportunity slip by. “I am,” I said, and I meant it.
After my meeting, I felt encouraged. I had a long road ahead of me, and I knew that there was a lot I needed to do in order to prove that I deserved my spot in the program back.
I just hoped I was up to the challenge. A lot was at stake. Everything I had worked for had been taken away from me. Dr. Lowell had dangled the possibility of getting it back.
That gave me something to work for.
It gave me motivation.
It would allow me to focus on something that wasn’t Maxx Demelo.
As I walked up the steps to my apartment, I could hear laughter filtering down the hallway. I paused, listening to the familiar lilting of my best friend’s giggle on the other side of the wall. I hadn’t heard Renee laugh like that in a long time. Too long.
I stood outside for a moment, enjoying the sound. I almost didn’t want to open the door and ruin whatever moment she was enjoying. But it was cold and I had homework to start, so with reluctance I slowly opened the door and instantly wished I could quietly creep back out again.
R
enee was on the couch, sitting close to a guy I didn’t recognize. Her head was thrown back, exposing the long, white column of her throat in a signature flirty move I hadn’t witnessed since freshman year. It threw me to see this side of her again. It was like coming face-to-face with someone you had forgotten you knew.
The guy, who was cute in a geeky sort of way with thick black-framed glasses and curly dark hair, watched her with a sweet smile on his face. Renee leaned in close to him, her grin infectious and genuine. She looked years younger. It was as though pounds of baggage had been lifted from her frail shoulders.
Seeing her like this was both inspiring and oddly painful. Because while it was a relief to see her bouncing back from her horrific heartache, a small, ugly part of me was jealous. Jealous that it was Renee making those positive steps forward. That she was the one with the smile on her face and joy in her eyes. I wanted that so much for myself and I worried I’d never have it again.
I tried to close the door quietly so as not to interrupt them. The soft click as it shut, however, told them they were no longer alone. Renee stopped laughing. She covered her mouth as though she had been caught doing something wrong.
“Aubrey, hey!” Renee looked sideways at the guy beside her, an almost guilty look on her face.
“Hey,” I said back, dropping my bag onto the chair. Cute guy with glasses sat up straighter and gave me a shy smile.
“Um, this is Iain. He came over to help me study,” she said, looking at him through her lashes. The flirty glances the two were throwing at each other made me wish I could slink back to my room and marinate in this awful feeling of selfish bitterness that was bubbling up inside me.
I hated that I felt that way.
But it was there all the same. How could I begrudge my best friend a chance to move forward? Why would I want her to be trapped here with me in the charred remains of our former relationships? I had hated Devon Keeton, the man responsible for her tattered heart and broken trust. He had used and abused her. He had threatened and nearly ruined her.
Seeing her laughing and flirting was a relief. Right? So why did I want to scream at the sky in anger? Why did I want to wail, “Why not me?”
And then I gave myself a sharp mental slap. Because I could have that. I just needed to fight for it. I couldn’t sit by passively and wait for it to happen. Even if my heart constricted at the thought of loving anyone other than Maxx Demelo.
“Hi, Iain, nice to meet you. I’m the roommate, Aubrey,” I said, walking toward the couple and holding out my hand.
“It’s nice to meet you, Aubrey,” Iain said with sincerity, shaking my offered hand with a firm grip. He seemed to be the polar opposite of Devon in both appearance and personality. He watched Renee with a worshipful expression, his eyes following her every movement. Renee flushed in an endearing way, and I couldn’t help but smile, pleased when all traces of jealousy subsided as I watched my best friend teetering forward toward this thing blossoming on unsteady feet.
“I’d better get going,” Iain announced as I continued to stand there like a creeper. I had been very obviously staring for an inordinate amount of time. Renee gave me a look that was hard to read, but probably had a lot of stop embarrassing me undertones, before getting to her feet and ushering her guest to the door.
“See you later,” I called out, hurrying toward the kitchen so I could give them some privacy.
I heard the front door close, and then Renee appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, a soft smile on her face. She thankfully didn’t mention my weirdness, and I luckily wasn’t forced to explain it. “So . . .” I began, waiting for her to fill in the gaps.
“So . . .” Renee said, raising her eyebrows.
“When did all that start? You haven’t mentioned an Iain,” I said.
Renee shrugged.
“There’s really nothing to tell,” she said, evading. She went to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. I watched her closely while she took a drink, though the smile never left her face. She really was the worst liar. Worse than me, if that was possible.
“Is it serious?” I asked, and then hated myself for it.
Because the smile disappeared instantly. Renee’s shoulders stiffened and the same haunted expression I had become used to in my own reflection drifted over her face.
“I can’t even think about anything serious. My heart just isn’t ready for that,” she said quietly.
The Aubrey of six months ago would have prodded and nagged her for more information. The Aubrey of six months ago would have chided Renee for being hung up on the asshole that hurt her.
The Aubrey of six months ago really didn’t have a fucking clue. So this Aubrey, the Aubrey with a heart full of painful experience, didn’t push, didn’t prod. This Aubrey simply nodded her head and let the silence that drifted through the room after Renee’s soft answer be enough. Because this Aubrey understood.
All too well.
chapter
seven
aubrey
i woke up feeling oddly rested.
I had finally slept through the night without dreaming of a homicidal Maxx.
I didn’t know if it was my surprisingly productive meeting with Dr. Lowell earlier in the week or my staunch resolve to move forward, but for whatever reason, I had been given a reprieve from my anxiety-inducing nightmares.
And that, for me, was cause for celebration. Or at least my customary indulgence of Krispy Kreme doughnuts on the way to my first class.
I munched on strawberry glazed goodness as I walked the two short blocks to campus. It was warmer than normal for early spring. The campus was alive with students taking advantage of this first sign of good weather.
The warm air felt like a fresh start. As though even Mother Nature was on board with me getting my act together and putting the past behind me.
“Someone looks like they woke up on the happy side of the bed.”
I glanced up to find Brooks beside me. He looked good that morning in a casual T-shirt and distressed denim. He hadn’t bothered to shave, and the light stubble gave his face a rugged appearance that worked for him.
Not for the first time I was reminded of why I had been attracted to him when we had first met.
“Yeah, feeling pretty great today. It’s amazing what a good night’s sleep will do for you,” I said, giving Brooks a smile. His face lit up and it was sort of infectious. My smile spread into a cheek-splitting grin. It was easier to feel normal with Brooks again after realizing that he hadn’t gone behind my back to Kristie.
I now knew, after our encounter at Compulsion, that Evan had informed on me and that my anger toward Brooks had been unfair and misguided.
“It’s nice seeing you like this. It’s been too long,” Brooks said, grabbing the other half of my doughnut and popping it into his mouth.
“You always have had a problem with grabby hands,” I teased, elbowing him in the side.
“At one time you sort of liked my grabby hands.” Brooks wiggled his eyebrows and I laughed off his flirting.
“Yeah, well, that was a long time ago. And I’ve learned a thing or two about the importance of personal boundaries since then,” I joked back, enjoying our easy banter.
Brooks licked sugar from his lips, shrugged, and grabbed my hand, pulling me up short.
“I’m taking you out tonight. I think it’s time to get you drunk and to have those normal college experiences all the kids are talking about.” Brooks let me go and I took a step back.
“Uh . . . I don’t know . . .” I began, but Brooks cut me off.
“Just sit back and enjoy the ride, Aubrey.”
I involuntarily shuddered at his words. Sitting back and enjoying the ride is what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. But he was right. What could it hurt?
“Sure. Why not?” I said, shrugging.
“Wow. Your enthusiasm is contagious,” he joked, rolling his eyes.
I playfully punched his shoulder. Maybe he was ri
ght and I just needed a good night out to forget about everything.
“When should I be ready for our night of wild and crazy shenanigans?” I asked, walking through the door Brooks held open for me. Our shoulders brushed and I felt a strange mixture of hesitance and pleasure.
Not because it was Brooks touching me. It had nothing to do with that. It was more about the fact that anyone was touching me. My body missed even the casual touches of intimacy.
I realized that I hadn’t done myself any favors by living an isolated life.
Brooks walked close beside me, his arm rubbing against mine as we moved. And I allowed it.
“I’ll be by around eight thirty. Get ready to have some fun, Aubrey. I’ll pull a good time out of you if it’s the last thing I do,” Brooks threatened good-naturedly, and I couldn’t help but smile. It felt good. I felt good.
What a concept.
“Wow, going out on a school night? What’s come over you?” Renee joked as I pulled a conservative sweater dress out of the back of my closet. It was cute, with a slightly scooped neck and fitted sleeves. It fell midthigh and was a flattering purple.
Before thinking too much about it, I grabbed my knee-high boots and lacy tights to wear beneath my dress. I didn’t get dressed up often, but I was in the mood to look pretty.
“Yeah, Brooks convinced me to go out,” I said, stripping down to my underwear and bra and then sliding the dress over my head. Renee didn’t bat an eye. We had been living together long enough that modesty had lost its place in our relationship a while ago.
Renee gave me a smile. “That’s good, Aubrey. I haven’t always been Brooks’s biggest fan. His collection of button-down shirts kind of gives me hives. But he’s been a good friend to you. And who knows, maybe you’ll find someone to get a little wild with.”
I nearly choked.
“What?” I shrieked.
Renee held her hands up and laughed at my expression. “Jeez, calm down, Aubrey. I’m just saying that you’ve been tied up in knots for a long time now. Something simple might be good for you.”
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