“Hotels?” I filled in for her.
Aubrey shook her head. “Yeah. It’s very Holiday Inn.” She chuckled and then cleared her throat as if catching herself doing something she wasn’t supposed to.
“So, how’s school going?” I asked, trying to think of something to say that was safe. More important, I wanted to see her smile again. I wanted us to find our way back to that laid-back easiness that had let me fall in love with her so fast and so hard.
Aubrey snorted, her eyes narrowing. “Is that really why you wanted me to come out here? To ask me about school?” I was taken aback by her anger. I had expected it, but I was still surprised by its ferocity.
“No. I just wanted—”
“You want to talk about the weather? Would that make this whole thing less awkward? What the hell are we supposed to talk about? How about the way you fucked up the last few months of my life? Or would you like to tell me how horrible I am for leaving you? Because I can assure you that any guilt trip you lay on isn’t nearly as bad as the one I’ve laid on myself,” she hissed, and I had to sit back in my chair. Her words were like bullets and they hit swift and sure.
“I get that we’ve got a lot to talk about. We don’t have a whole lot of time to get into all that,” I said calmly. I clenched my teeth and tried to rein in the frustration that I felt bubbling to the surface.
This isn’t how I wanted this to go at all.
Aubrey slammed her hands down on the plastic table with enough force to knock the ugly fake flower arrangement on its side. Neither of us moved to catch it as it rolled off the surface and fell to the ground.
“I can’t do this with you anymore, Maxx. I tangled myself up in knots over you! You took what I gave you and threw it back in my face. You lied! To my face! Over and over again! But it tore me apart to walk away from you! Yet I did. Because I knew that if I stayed you’d kill us both! But here you are, pulling me right back in! And here I am letting you!”
I held my hands up in a placating gesture. “Whoa, Aubrey, hang on a sec.” I was thrown off balance by her vehemence. There were a lot of bottled-up issues coming to the surface that I had been in no way prepared to hear.
Waking up in that hospital, alone, had been rough. Rougher in some ways than the withdrawals. But I was here, wasn’t I? I was making an effort. Didn’t that prove that I had taken her ultimatum seriously?
“I get that you’re upset with me. But I wanted you to see me. To see what I was doing here,” I said softly, looking around me, noticing that we were making quite a spectacle among the other patients.
Impulsively I reached out and grabbed one of Aubrey’s hands and held it tightly. I dug my fingers into her skin as though that would make her listen to me. To hear me. “I wanted you to see that I took your words to heart. That I am trying!”
Aubrey’s face softened for a moment and I felt her hand slacken beneath mine. Our eyes met and clung to each other and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was finally getting through to her. But then her mouth set into a firm line and she yanked her hand away. “It takes more than a thirty-day stint in rehab to prove anything, Maxx.”
I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. I didn’t know what the hell to do. I was so used to being able to talk myself out of anything. Even Aubrey, I was ashamed to admit, had always been easy to manipulate. And although I loved her more than was good for either of us, I had used that skill on her one too many times before.
“That doesn’t change anything,” she hissed, lowering her voice so as to not be overheard. She sighed and covered her face with her hands. She looked tired. Exhausted, really. And I knew I had done that to her.
When I had practically begged her to come and see me I had only really thought about how great it would be for her to see this new, changed man. That then she could let down her guard. I had been angling for my way back in. But looking at her now I knew I didn’t have a right to be let back in. At least not yet. I had a lot of proving to do.
I reached out again, unable to help myself, and gently laid my hand on her arm. She tensed, but finally dropped her hands from her face. Her eyes were wet and I hated myself all over again.
“I want you to get better. I really do. I wanted you to stop using. I wanted you to want to stop. Not for me. Not for your brother. But for you. This is amazing, Maxx. You being here.” She waved her hand around her to indicate the facility where I had been begrudgingly living for the last three weeks. “But it’s only the first step. You get that, right?”
I pulled my hand away, hating to hear the words of the counselors being echoed from her mouth. “Yeah, I get that,” I said sharply, annoyed that we were back to this.
Aubrey grabbed my hand and squeezed before dropping it and pulling away. That momentary physical contact left me buzzing.
“Five minutes, everyone!” Stacey called out to those of us still sitting in the garden.
Crap. We had wasted almost an hour of not really saying anything. There was still so much I needed to tell her. I felt panicked. Scared that this was it. The only chance I had to say how much I loved her and how I was trying to change. For her.
“I finish up here in a week, Aubrey. I’m coming back to school. I’m hoping to finish up my degree if they let me. And then, who knows. Landon’s going off to college in the fall and I have to figure out how to help him. But I’m going to do things legit this time. I’m not going to fuck up again,” I said quickly, trying to get it all out while I still had a chance.
Aubrey was shaking her head, as if to stop me, but I ignored her.
“I want to know if you’ll let me see you. When I’m back. If just maybe you would give me the chance to show you that things will be different.”
I didn’t know much. I was an ignorant fool in so many goddamned ways. I had always thought I was so freaking smart. But at the end of the day, I didn’t really know a thing. I didn’t know how to make a relationship work. I didn’t know what it took to make a woman like Aubrey happy. I didn’t know how to be someone who wasn’t messed up and ruined.
But I did know one thing. That I loved this woman in front of me in a way that I would never be able to love anyone else. It was a deep-in-my-bones, drowning-in-it sort of love. It was desperate. It was obliteration. It was total anarchy in my heart. It was mine. It was all that I had.
Aubrey got to her feet, slinging her purse over her shoulder. She didn’t answer me. I had laid my soul at her feet and she didn’t say a fucking word.
I stood, too, and stared at her, not really believing that this was how our time together was ending. That after three weeks of thinking about nothing else, here we were, going our separate ways like strangers.
“That’s it, then?” I asked her almost bitterly. I wanted to freaking cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake Aubrey and demand that she reciprocate my wild, out-of-control feelings.
But then I saw the tears start to slip down her face, and I knew that I wasn’t alone in any of this. I reached out to catch them with my finger. I brought the pad of my thumb to my mouth and tasted her salty pain.
“I don’t know, Maxx. I just don’t know,” she said, her broken words piercing my gut.
“Just don’t turn me away when I show up at your door. Don’t tell me to leave when all I want is to talk. I have to know that when I leave here, I’ll have something to come home to. Because I promise you, I won’t give up on us. I can’t.”
I was fighting dirty. It’s what I did. But I needed to know there was something for me out there. It was the only way I’d make it through any of this.
“That’s not fair. You’re not being fair!” she shouted, and then cast an embarrassed look around, realizing how loud she had been.
“This was a mistake. I’ve got to go. Good luck, Maxx. I mean that. Really,” she said, pushing past me and heading toward the side gate that led out to the parking lot.
Then she was gone.
And I was left with nothing.
Again.
cha
pter
ten
aubrey
idiot!
What in the heck was wrong with me? Why did I continue to give him that sort of power over me? Why couldn’t I ever say no to him?
Well, I’d just have to learn to. Because Maxx planned to come back and I needed to prepare myself for how I was going to handle that.
I had already learned how easy it was for me to fall back into that place where Maxx mattered. When I saw his face again I could see how much he wanted me. And I felt it—the thrill. The excitement. The overwhelming desire.
In that moment I had wanted him to want me. When I had dressed that day before going to see him, I had taken the time to pick out a skirt that I knew was flattering. I had chosen a shirt he had complimented me on before. I had made sure my hair was perfect and my makeup subtle but pretty. God, what was wrong with me that I was drawn back into the web of his manipulation and emotional games once again?
I had come home angry and determined. It would be all too easy for him to suck me back in.
“You look like you’re ready to kick some ass and take some names,” Renee commented after I had slammed through the front door and threw my purse onto the couch. I kicked off my shoes and collapsed down beside her. Renee hastily put the letter she had been reading on the coffee table before turning to me.
“I just saw Maxx,” I told her, my voice hard.
Renee pulled her legs up underneath her. “Are you serious?”
I nodded. “He called me when we were out at the bar. He asked me to go and see him. I wasn’t going to. But then—”
“You just couldn’t help yourself,” Renee interjected, sounding strangely angry.
I frowned at her response. “Well, not exactly. I just knew that if I didn’t I’d drive myself crazy wondering how he was. I figured it was the only way I could put this madness behind me once and for all.”
“Did it work?” she asked me.
I shrugged. “I hope so. I don’t feel as though I have any other option.”
“Is Maxx trying to move on as well?” Renee cocked her head to the side and regarded me.
I let out a breath and leaned my head back, closing my eyes. “I don’t think so,” I admitted softly.
“So when he gets out and comes back for you, telling you how much he’s changed, how things will be different, will you be able to walk away?” Renee asked as she passed me the bag of Hershey’s Kisses.
I wasn’t able to come up with an appropriate response, so I stuffed my face full of chocolate instead. Renee grabbed her own handful of candy. “It’s not so easy, is it?” she stated, giving me a sad sort of smile. I reached down and picked up the paper she had laid on the coffee table.
“What’s this?” I asked, smoothing it out.
“My baggage,” Renee answered, unwrapping a chocolate and popping it into her mouth.
“From Devon?” I asked, not reading the letter but instead handing it back.
Renee nodded, balling the paper up and throwing it across the room. I grabbed my roommate’s hand and got to my feet. “Let’s get out of here. Sitting around and feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t how we should spend our Sunday. We’re better than that.”
Renee grinned and squeezed my hand. “Let’s go tear some shit up.”
We laughed together, knowing that our version of tearing shit up involved a bucket of popcorn and a nauseating chick flick. But it felt good. Better than good. It felt great.
And yet, for all of my strong talk, Maxx was on my mind, and I couldn’t get rid of him.
“What is up with you? You look like you’re about to have an aneurysm,” Brooks observed, tapping my foot with his as we sat on my couch and I pretended to watch the really bad made-for-TV movie on the Syfy channel.
“Wow, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl,” I joked, rolling my eyes.
Brooks dropped a few kernels of popcorn into his mouth and looked at me thoughtfully. “Something’s up. What is it?”
I sighed. I had messed up our friendship once by lying to him, and I couldn’t afford to lose Brooks again. Especially not now, when I needed my friends’ support more than ever.
“It wasn’t my mom on the phone that night at the bar . . .” I said, grabbing the bowl of popcorn from his lap and stuffing my face. “It was Maxx,” I mumbled through a mouthful of the salty snack.
Brooks’s frown deepened and he turned back to the television. “That explains why you lied about it,” he muttered.
“Ouch,” I said, grimacing.
“Whatever, you know I’m right,” Brooks said.
“Well, it’s not like he’s the best topic of conversation between us, Brooks,” I said, turning the TV down so that he would look at me.
“Okay, and that’s probably my fault. I can be a bit . . . judgmental when it comes to Mr. I’m-such-a-badass-when-I’m-not-choking-on-my-own-vomit,” he quipped, his mouth turning down, letting me know he was trying really hard not to snap at me.
“Brooks, come on. Can’t you take off your sarcasm pants for just one freaking minute?”
“Sure, as soon as you stop losing your fucking head over a jackass who isn’t worth your time,” Brooks fumed, his choice of words shocking the hell out of me.
“I’m not losing my head, Brooks,” I replied, completely offended. I thought I was doing pretty darn well, given the situation.
Brooks let out a long, tortured breath and took the remote from my hand and turned off the television.
“That wasn’t too cool of me. Here you are, being all honest and stuff, and I’m being a jerk. Go ahead, tell me about it,” he said, turning to face me.
I eyed him warily, not sure how truthful I should be. But I figured if our friendship was ever going to recover, I needed to tell him everything.
“Well, he asked me to go and see him at the rehab center where he’s been for the past few weeks . . . and I went,” I said matter-of-factly.
Brooks closed his mouth and his face went still. “You what?” he demanded.
“I went to see him on Sunday.” I threw my hands up in the air in defeat. “It was a mistake and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I guess I just thought that seeing him would help me shut the door on that part of my life. That I could be assured he was doing okay and then walk away.”
“And did you?”
“Did I what?” I asked, confused.
Brooks’s lips thinned as he answered. “Shut the door. Walk away.”
“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” I said defensively.
Brooks didn’t say anything for a really long time, though I could tell there was a lot that he wanted to say but was surprisingly holding his tongue.
“I guess, though I think that explains the staring off into space you’ve been doing,” Brooks said after a while.
“I have not been staring into space,” I argued.
Brooks only shook his head.
“So what did Maxxy boy have to say? Did he show off his healing track lines or his new and improved hypodermic needle collection?” Brooks spat out hatefully.
“Wow. What happened to not being judgmental?” I demanded, frowning.
“I just don’t want you to forget who he is, Aubrey. Or what he’s done. I have no doubt he wanted you to come and see him to prove that he’s changed. To show you he’s trying. I have no doubt he gave you a song and dance about being a better man and that he wanted another chance. Am I right?” Brooks asked, sounding both tired and bitter.
My mouth popped open, then closed again. I didn’t say anything. There was no point. Brooks was right.
Brooks shook his head, looking sad. “For such a smart girl, you really can be so damn blind about stuff.” He dropped the TV remote onto the coffee table with a clang.
“I just . . . I needed . . . closure. I needed to know that he was all right. That I could move on without worrying about how he was and what he was doing!”
“Well, now you know, Aubrey. The best thing you could have done was
to walk away from Maxx. He would have eventually dragged you down further into that hole with him.”
“You’re not saying anything I don’t already know, Brooks. God! Going to see Maxx was about me! I needed it for my peace of mind! I had turned my back on my sister and look what happened! I couldn’t live with myself if the same thing had happened to Maxx. I could never go on and live my life with that weighing on my mind!”
“Jayme was not your fault, Aubrey! Shit, it was a horrible, horrible thing that had absolutely nothing to do with you!” Brooks grabbed ahold of my shoulders, digging his fingers into my flesh. “And Maxx isn’t your fault either! You need to stop blaming yourself for things beyond your control! You couldn’t change anything. Not for Jayme and not for Maxx. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you could.”
Brooks could never understand how badly I needed to hear those words in that moment. Brooks cupped my face between his palms, his fingers warm against my wet face. His thumbs ran circles over my skin and I leaned in, needing the touch. Needing to feel the connection even if it wasn’t the one I still craved.
“You’re a good person with a big heart. I love how you want to take care of everyone. But you can’t. Some people can’t be saved. And that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.” I leaned in, my nose an inch from his. “Aubrey, you have to let go of this thing you had with Maxx.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!” I whispered.
“Okay, but you also have to let go of the guilt. You’re putting on a brave face. You’re playing the part of the girl who is moving forward. But I can see that you’ve only been willing to go halfway,” Brooks admonished gently.
“You really need to forgive yourself, Aubrey. For Jayme. For what you think happened with Maxx. For all of it. Until you do that, you’ll be stuck.”
Shit, he was right. He was so, so right.
“Stop trying to save everyone else and worry about saving yourself. Don’t you deserve that?”
I should have wanted to pull out of Brooks’s hold on my face. But I didn’t. I wanted to lean in and drink in the comfort he gave me. I wanted to lose myself in the sensation of someone else. I needed to remember what it felt like to touch someone who wasn’t Maxx. Otherwise, I was terrified I’d never be able to truly move on.
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