“Stop acting like you’re heading to the firing squad,” Renee called from the living room, and I rolled my eyes.
She knew me too well.
I found her sitting on the couch, her feet propped up on the coffee table, her chemistry book open on her lap. Her eyebrows arched when I walked in, and she patted the spot beside her.
I sank down onto the couch, and she closed her book. “So, first of all, sorry about that,” Renee said, jerking her thumb in the direction of my bedroom.
I felt my face flush.
“And second, what the hell is going on?” Renee asked, getting straight to the point.
I couldn’t really tell if she was angry, but I saw her obvious concern.
“What happened to I’m never going back there again? What happened to that woman who realized how destructive a relationship with Maxx was? How do you go from I won’t let him in my life again to hopping into bed with him? I’m a little confused.” Renee frowned and looked exasperated.
“I guess we’re both doing things that surprise us,” I countered. Renee flushed, her eyes narrowing slightly.
“If this is about what you saw . . . Just because I chose to do something stupid doesn’t mean you can,” she argued.
“This has nothing to do with that, Renee. God! It’s just . . . things feel different.”
Renee snorted in disbelief, and I straightened my back defensively, knowing how ridiculous I sounded.
“Okay, I know how that sounds. I also know that it looks like I’m just another silly girl allowing herself to be led around by her vagina,” I grumbled.
“From what I just walked in on, I’d say that was an accurate description,” Renee agreed.
“I’m going into this with my eyes open this time. No more head in the sand, living in denial. I promise. I know I was adamant about keeping Maxx out of my life, but what if my head is wrong and my heart is right? I don’t want to find myself five years from now wondering what if I had given him another chance. What if this was my time to be happy. Finally! ”
“Okay, I understand that. I really do, but have you even thought about what this will mean for your chances of getting back into the counseling program? What will you tell Dr. Lowell the next time she asks how things are going? Will you just come out and say, Well, you know that guy I’m supposed to stay away from? Well, we’re bumping uglies again. Ain’t love grand? ” Renee’s hardened sarcasm surprised me. I hadn’t expected her to be so bitter.
I reached out for the Department of Education catalogue that still lay on the coffee table. “Yeah, I’ve already thought about that,” I said, holding it up.
“Is that why you’re talking about changing your major? I was joking when I suggested that in the coffee shop. I had no idea it was the truth!” Renee looked stricken.
“Yes and no, I guess. I just think that I went forward with counseling to fix something broken inside of me. That’s a really selfish reason for wanting to help other people. And, yeah, being with Maxx is a huge ethical violation. One that if I was dedicated to my chosen career, I wouldn’t be making.” I dropped the booklet back onto the table.
“But that’s not really the point of all this, is it? Because you can’t be this pissed about Maxx. Sure, I get that you’re disappointed and worried, but you seem pretty freaking angry.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
Renee’s shoulders had sagged, her mouth turning down. “I guess I just wanted one of us to be strong enough to keep on walking.”
Her words hit me straight in the heart, and I wanted to ask her more about what had happened with Devon. It was obvious it was weighing heavily on her. But just as I was about to broach the subject, Maxx came out of my bedroom. He stood out in the hallway and watched us uncertainly.
Renee looked up at him, her face unreadable. She got to her feet. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Aubrey. I don’t want to watch you fall apart all over again,” she said firmly before walking past Maxx and into her bedroom, the door closing with a slam.
“I’m guessing that didn’t go as well as you’d hoped,” Maxx deduced, coming into the living room and sitting beside me on the couch.
“I have a feeling that had to do more with her than with me. But she’s right about one thing, Maxx. I won’t fall apart over you again. I can’t let myself. You’ve ruined me once already.”
Maxx pulled me in close, his arms wrapping around me, his forehead resting against my neck.
“Losing you almost killed me, Aubrey. I won’t willingly go through that pain ever again. I can promise you that,” he murmured before kissing me softly but thoroughly.
His words rang in my head, not entirely assuaging the anxiety in my gut.
I won’t willingly go through that pain ever again.
One thing I had learned from Maxx was that when it came to his addiction, nothing was willing. It was always beyond his control.
“Can I see you later?” Maxx’s voice was like velvet in my ear. I gripped my phone tightly in my hand. I wanted to see Maxx. So much. But there were things I had to do first.
Namely, talk to Brooks.
I hadn’t seen my friend in a week. His schedule was hectic, and it had given me time to think about how I would give him the news about Maxx and me.
So when Brooks had called last night and asked to hang out, I knew I couldn’t put him off. I wouldn’t avoid him, and I wouldn’t keep secrets. That’s what the old Aubrey would have done.
I had agreed that we could get together, feeling empowered by the need to be honest. Things with Renee were strained, and I only hoped Brooks would be more understanding. I couldn’t expect him to be okay with my decision to give Maxx another chance; I only hoped our friendship was stronger than his disapproval.
“I can’t tonight. I told Brooks we’d hang out.”
“That’s fine, I’m wiped anyway. I’m still trying to find another job now that the stable doesn’t need me anymore. I really wish I could find something that didn’t involve animal shit or fry grease,” he said, sounding a little defeated.
Maxx never complained about money, but I knew he was stressed about it. I knew he was barely getting by, but I didn’t know how to help him.
I hated to admit that I wondered whether he would go back to the club. Whether he would slide back into a world of quick cash and easy drugs.
I wanted to trust that he wouldn’t. He had sworn that was behind him. But that was what he knew. And I worried when I saw the tension on his face as a result of his struggles. And then I hated myself for worrying.
“You’ll find something,” I said brightly, though I, too, wondered what his possibilities were.
“Yeah, I just hope it’s sooner rather than later,” Maxx muttered, and I could hear his exhausted sigh.
“Have you thought about calling around to other galleries to see if they’d be interested in seeing some of your work?” I suggested.
Maxx had told me about Mr. Randall at the Bellview Gallery in town. I knew it was embarrassing to admit how much he had messed up such a great opportunity.
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s such a great idea,” Maxx said shortly.
“But you’re so talented—”
“Aubrey, please, just drop it.” His voice sharpened, and I knew it was a touchy subject.
“Have you called to set up your intake for counseling at the addictions center?” I asked, bringing up yet another topic I knew he was uncomfortable talking about. Maxx had mentioned that he was supposed to follow an outpatient treatment plan after his stint in rehab. It was a condition of his probation, now that he was no longer attending the group on campus.
“Not yet. I’ll do that tomorrow,” Maxx said, sounding testy.
“It’s important, Maxx,” I told him, not backing off, though trying not to sound like a self-important nag either.
“Yeah, well, so is finding a job so that I don’t end up homeless,” he snapped, and I tried not to get pissed by his attitude.
He’s stressed.
Give the guy a break, I thought.
Maxx let out a sigh.
“I know you’re only trying to help. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t bite your head off for looking out for me. I just don’t want you to start worrying about me. I’ll figure something out. Though I have to admit money’s tight. Bills have to get paid,” Maxx remarked.
Maxx’s candor was both a surprise and a relief. The fact that he was talking about these things with me was a big deal. I was so used to him keeping me in the dark. I had always felt like the last person to know what was going on in his life. I had been ignorant of so much that hearing him speak openly left me unsure of how to respond. This was new, uncharted territory for both of us, and it would take some getting used to.
“I get it. And I shouldn’t be hassling you about the counseling. I’ve got to trust you to do what has to be done,” I said.
Trust.
There was that word again.
“How’s that going?” Maxx asked.
“How’s what going?”
“Trusting me?” Maxx responded quietly.
“I’m getting there,” I answered, reciprocating his honesty with some of my own.
“I suppose that’s all I can really hope for,” Maxx said, and I wished I could give him more than that. But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“So, what are you and this Brooks guy going to do, and should I be jealous?” Maxx asked lightly, clearly changing the subject in an effort to dispel the sudden tension that had arisen between us.
Even though he was trying to be funny, there was an element of seriousness to his question. I had never told Maxx about my past with Brooks. But I also knew that Maxx was insecure. About himself. About me. About our unstable relationship.
And now that I was with a new Maxx, one who didn’t try to disillusion me with false confidence, I was more aware than ever of how unsure he was about everything. And particularly about me.
“He’s just a friend, Maxx,” I assured him.
“You must think I’m such a fucking pussy.” Maxx chuckled in that self-deprecating way of his that was very new and a little off-putting.
I didn’t like to admit that I sort of missed the cocksure guy with the swagger who acted as though he owned the world. But that person had been a result of the drugs. They were the reason he had felt so untouchable. It made me angry with myself for missing any part of that person he used to be.
But I couldn’t help it.
Because that was the guy I had fallen in love with first.
No matter how destructive he was, I had been drawn to his insanity.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded. “Brooks and I have been friends for years. He helped me a lot, after—” I stopped abruptly.
“After you left me,” Maxx filled in, and I thought I could hear a trace of bitterness.
“After you almost died,” I volleyed back, not able to stop myself from setting him straight.
“Yeah, after I almost died,” Maxx agreed, the resentment leaking out of his voice to be replaced with a dull wretchedness.
“Maxx.” I said his name softly, reassuringly.
“It’s fine . . . I’m fine,” he said, and I knew he was trying to sound convincing.
I wasn’t sure how much I believed him. Though I was trying.
“I just want to see Brooks to tell him about us. I owe it to him. I won’t hide it. Not this time,” I said.
“Because this time is different,” Maxx finished.
I smiled, even though he couldn’t see me.
“Because this time is different.”
chapter
twenty-five
aubrey
“take this stuff before I drop it,” Brooks huffed, shoving bags of Indian food into my hands after I opened the door to his knock.
“Well, hello to you, too,” I said, kicking the door closed and following my friend into the kitchen.
“What is all this stuff?” I asked, indicating the bags Brooks was dropping onto the table.
“Instead of watching a movie, I brought over my PS4. I have the new racing game, and I thought you’d be down to get your ass handed to you,” he joked.
I was nervous about talking to Brooks. He had always been very vocal with his Maxx-is-a-druggie-loser opinions. And they had only grown louder after Maxx had ended up in the hospital and I had ended up in front of a disciplinary panel.
Considering he had been the one to help me put together the pieces after I had fallen apart, how could I even begin to expect him to be okay with me not only forgiving but reuniting with the guy who had almost destroyed me?
But Brooks was in a good mood, which was a plus. I only hoped it made him less likely to hate me when I finally told him.
“Sounds great And I see you even went to my favorite Indian place,” I pointed out, opening one of the cartons of steaming rice.
“Of course. Like I’d ever come here empty-handed. I know better,” he said.
I snorted and grabbed a samosa from another carton.
“So, I have some big news,” Brooks announced, grinning.
My mouth was full, so I waved a hand for him to continue.
“I got into LU’s graduate program. So that means you’re stuck with me next year, babe.” Brooks grinned, and I felt a sinking in my stomach.
He looked so happy. And for a moment, I wished I could rewind to that less-complicated time when it was just Brooks and me, eating chips on my couch and watching horrible B movies. Before there was a Maxx.
I found myself wanting the easy simplicity he offered, just by being who he was.
“Maxx and I are back together,” I said without preamble. I hadn’t meant to say it like that, but the truth was burning a hole on my tongue. The words sort of tumbled out like vomit.
Way to be smooth, Aubrey.
Brooks blinked and frowned as though he hadn’t heard me correctly. “Excuse me?”
I took a deep breath and blew it out noisily. “Just don’t hate me, please. I don’t think I can take another round of Brooks Hamlin’s icy disapproval,” I said.
Brooks sat down on one of the kitchen chairs and looked at me as though I had sprouted an additional head. “Did you seriously just tell me that you’re with Maxx again? The guy you got kicked out of the counseling program for? The guy who loved his drugs more than I love shitty movies? That Maxx?” he asked, his voice turning hard and brittle.
I sat down across from him at the table. I started to pick at my nails in nervousness, but promptly stopped.
“He’s trying to change,” I started, but Brooks’s disbelieving laughter stopped me.
“Oh my God! Will you listen to yourself ? I swear I feel like I’m stuck in a goddamned time warp! Or at least a really bad Lifetime movie. Weren’t we having this conversation only a couple of months ago? Seriously?” Brooks laughed again, but his eyes told me there was nothing funny about the situation.
“Look, I’m telling you because you’re my friend and after everything that happened before . . . I didn’t want to lie to you.”
“Oh wow! Don’t I feel special!” Brooks sneered. “Do you want me to give you a round of applause for jumping back into bed with the guy who ruined you once already? How about I pat you on the back and say Way to go for making the same mistake twice, buddy! ”
I started to fume. I couldn’t help it. Brooks’s condescending moral superiority had always pushed my buttons.
“Give me some fucking credit, Brooks! I’m not going into this blind! I know what it looks like to you! I know you think I’m a fool. But I’m not. I’m not going to pretend that he doesn’t have problems. Because he does . . . in spades. But so do I. I’m a damn mess! I’m a big ol’ jumbled pile of issues! Love isn’t conditional. Or at least the real kind isn’t. What kind of person would I be if I expected him to accept me for my faults but I won’t accept his? I know what happened before. I know what I’m putting on the line by loving him, but it is what it is. So either accept it or don’t, I don’t really give a shi
t!” I yelled, my anger taking over.
“You’re on academic suspension, Aubrey!” Brooks smacked the surface of the table with his palm, the sound echoing around the kitchen.
“I know! And I’ll tell Dr. Lowell, and we’ll see what happens. But maybe the counseling program’s not what I’m supposed to be doing,” I said with a shrug.
Brooks looked stunned. “What are you talking about? You’ve wanted to be an addictions counselor for as long as I’ve known you! Don’t you see how messed up it is that you’re thinking about throwing all of that away over some guy . . .”
“No, Brooks! This has nothing to do with Maxx! I came to LU thinking I could make things right after Jayme’s death. I think . . . maybe I went into my major for the wrong reasons.”
Brooks rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands as though he had a headache. “I just don’t even know what to say to that.”
Well, this was going just about how I expected it to. Though I had hoped I’d be wrong.
Brooks dropped his hands and looked at me, his eyes sad. “What do you want from me, Aubrey?” he asked tiredly. “My blessing? Because I can’t do that. Not after I saw the way he hurt you. Not after watching you turn yourself inside out over him.”
He grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. The physical contact shocked me. “I know you think this is what you want. That you have this amazing, epic love. But you don’t. What you have, what you’ve always had, is an unhealthy obsessive dependence. You feed off the worst of each other. You deserve so much more than that,” Brooks said, his words sounding more like a plea.
What he said had been true . . . once.
He painted a picture of the Maxx and Aubrey we had been months ago. Not the Maxx and Aubrey we were trying to be now.
But how could I fault him for calling it like he saw it?
“I understand that you can’t accept it, Brooks. I just hope you’ll still be my friend.” I was probably being incredibly selfish, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing him again.
“Why does it matter if you have me in your life when you have him?” Brooks spat out, rather immaturely.
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