He made a noise in the back of his throat, and then he was kissing me.
He was healing me.
He was giving me my future.
And I walked toward it happily and for the first time in a long time . . . with hope.
chapter
thirty
maxx
going to North Carolina with Aubrey had seemed like such a good idea.
But what I was left with in the end was a reminder of who I really was at my roots. In my dark, twisted heart.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Blake, her sister’s ex. He was a conceited little punk with an arm full of track marks and teeth rotting from meth use. He was obviously the worst kind of druggie. The forsaken kind. The type with no future.
I had looked at Blake Fields and seen myself.
The person I had been for a long time.
Aubrey had looked at him with so much disgust, and in that moment I didn’t see a whole lot of difference between him and me.
And I hated myself all over again.
Aubrey left her parents’ house happier than I had ever seen her. We talked the whole way home, but I couldn’t get rid of the heavy weight in my chest.
The fear that I’d lose her. That she’d wake up one morning and remember that I was just like Blake. A sad, sorry loser.
I took Aubrey’s bag as we walked up the steps to my apartment. The bass from my neighbor’s stereo was blasting. I unlocked the door and turned on the light.
Aubrey dropped onto the couch and stretched her arms above her head. “I’m exhausted,” she said with a yawn.
I joined her on the sofa and pulled her into my arms. It still amazed me how easily she fit against my body, like we were two pieces of the same puzzle. Yeah, it was cheesy as hell, but true.
“You seem happy,” I observed, kissing the top of her head.
Aubrey pulled back and looked up at me. “I am, Maxx. I really am. I feel like finally, after all this time, things are falling into place. Don’t you feel it?”
No, I didn’t. But damn, I wanted to.
I woke up every morning with my stomach a knot of anxiety as my mind drifted to drugs. To bills. To a thousand ways I could fail.
But looking in Aubrey’s blue eyes, shining and bright, I could believe that she was right. That maybe we were finally getting to where we needed to be.
I stood up and grabbed her hand, pulling her to her feet. “Whoa, what are you doing?” she asked with a lopsided grin.
I kissed her mouth, hard, and then practically dragged her down the hallway to my bedroom.
Once inside, I didn’t bother to turn on the lights. I was too frantic for her. I made quick work of our clothes and soon had her naked on the bed underneath me. I looked down at her in the shadowed darkness and felt, for a moment, exactly what she had been talking about.
I felt myself coming together. I quickly put on a condom and buried myself deep inside her. There were times when I made love to Aubrey that I couldn’t get deep enough. No matter how much I touched her, it was never enough.
Aubrey arched her back, and I lifted her hips as I glided in and out of her body. I leaned over and kissed a trail from her belly button to her breasts. I loved her body. I loved the way she made me feel like I was the only person in the world. To Aubrey Duncan, I mattered.
“Oh, God, Maxx!” Aubrey moaned loudly. Her flushed skin was hot to the touch and drove me mad. I slammed into her over and over again until I felt the moment that I could finally let go.
And I did.
Afterward, as the sweat dried and I lazily kissed her fingers, I thought that just maybe, everything would be okay. I felt optimistic about finding a job and making money. That I’d be able to provide for the woman I loved. That we’d make a life together.
I ran my hand down her back, listening to her soft breaths, and felt such an intense love I thought I’d strangle on it.
“I love you, Maxx,” she murmured against my skin, placing soft kisses on my chest.
“We’ll be together forever, right?” I asked a little desperately, holding her tight against me. I needed her reassurance. Needed it more than air.
Aubrey propped her chin on my chest and looked up at me through thick lashes framing hooded eyes. Her smile was tired but content. “Forever, Maxx. We’ll be together forever,” she promised before lying back down.
I stared up at my ceiling for a while after that, lost in half-crazy thoughts.
My heart clenched painfully and the optimism I had been feeling dwindled away.
“When did you come and clean my apartment?” I asked her suddenly.
Aubrey rolled off me and onto her back, her hair fanning across the pillow. She rolled her head to the side and looked at me with a bemused expression. “When did I clean your apartment?”
I reached out to trace a line between her breasts, flattening my palm over her stomach. I thought about putting a life inside of her. Of branding her in a way that was life altering and permanent.
I had never thought about being a father before. But with Aubrey I thought about it a lot. Of getting married and buying a house. Filling it with children.
What sort of father would I be?
How would I ever be able to provide for a family when I couldn’t get more than a minimum-wage job?
“When I was in rehab you came by. You cleaned my apartment, didn’t you?” I wasn’t sure why I was pushing to know. Maybe I just needed a reminder that if Aubrey was willing to take the risk to be with me, then she loved me in spite of everything I had put her through. And I needed to take some risks of my own.
Aubrey stretched her hand out and ran her fingers up my side, making me squirm. “Yes, I came by. I was a wreck, Maxx. I had lost you. I had been suspended from the counseling program. It was a dark, dark time for me. But somehow I ended up here. And you know what?”
I grabbed ahold of her hand and pulled her close. “What?”
“I felt better just being here. I felt at peace. How crazy is it that after everything we put each other through, I would feel safest in your home?”
I ran my thumb along the curve of her jaw, her words hurting me, though I knew she hadn’t meant for them to.
“It’s crazy, all right.”
“Maxx.” I opened my apartment door two days later to find my landlord standing on the stoop.
“Mr. Reese. Hi,” I said, opening the door wider to let him come in.
“I don’t need to come inside. I’m here to give you this,” he said, handing me an envelope.
I didn’t need to open it to know what it was.
It was my formal eviction notice.
“You’ve got thirty days to come up with the outstanding rent, or you’ll have to vacate the premises. I’ve tried to be reasonable here, son, but I’m not in the landlord business out of the kindness of my heart. I’ve got kids. I’ve got a wife. I’ve got shit to pay for. So you’ll need to cough up the cash or find somewhere else to live,” Mr. Reese said gruffly.
I opened the envelope and looked down at the overdue amount that I owed him: fifteen hundred dollars. Shit. Shit. Shit. There was no way I was going to come up with that kind of money.
I had used the rest of my paycheck from the coffee shop to pay my electric bill and to take Landon out to dinner. I had stupidly bought him the controller I had promised, refusing to think about the thousand other things I had to pay for.
Because it had made my brother happy, and that was something I wasn’t willing to pass up.
“I get it, thanks for bringing this by,” I said with sarcasm.
Mr. Reese smoothed his greasy comb-over and grimaced. “Look, you seem like a nice kid, Maxx. I hate to do it to ya, but like I said, we all have bills to pay.”
He wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know.
After Mr. Reese left I sat on my sofa feeling numb.
What was I going to do?
I was failing.
Miserably.
And worse, I
was disappearing in the process.
I had been forcing myself into becoming a changed man to the point that I was beginning to lose all sense of myself.
What the fuck was I doing?
I was in a pretty bleak place. Imminent homelessness will do that to you.
“Yo, Maxx! Open up!” Marco’s voice yelled from the other side of the door sometime later.
I thought about ignoring him. But knowing Marco, he’d just stand out there making a racket until I let him in.
Stupid bastard.
“What the hell do you want?” I barked, wrenching open the door.
Marco held his hands up. “Dude, chill out!” He shoved a wad of cash into my hands.
I looked down at it in surprise.
“Now smile, because money puts everyone in a good mood,” Marco said, pushing past me like he always did.
I stood there in the open doorway and counted the money: five hundred dollars.
“What’s this for?” I asked.
Marco rolled his eyes. “Have all those drugs addled your brain? It’s for the scouting last week. I told you I’d be bringing it by. You ready to go do it again?”
I stared down at the money in my hand. Five hundred dollars was a lot of money, but it wasn’t nearly enough. I thought about my dead-end job at the Coffee Jerk and knew that I’d never be able to survive on what I was making.
I thought about Aubrey and all her talks of our future. I thought of Landon going off to art school next year.
I needed more.
A hell of a lot more.
“Yeah, let’s go. Then can you take me to Gash’s office? I need to talk to him,” I said, grabbing my empty wallet and shoving it into my pocket.
Marco let out a little whoop. “Hell, yeah! You comin’ back to the club?”
“Just come on. We’ll talk about it later.”
“Well, if it isn’t the prodigal son,” Gash mused from behind his desk in his crappy office. I set my mouth and gave him a short nod.
Gash looked at Marco and narrowed his eyes. “You can wait in the hall. And shut the door when you leave,” he commanded.
Marco looked surprised. “But—”
“But nothin’. This is between X and me. I don’t want a fucking audience. Your ass buddy will be out in a minute.”
Marco didn’t argue. No one ever argued with Gash.
When Marco had left and shut the door, Gash pointed to one of the seats in front of his desk. “Sit,” he ordered.
I sat down in the chair. “I was glad you took my offer to scout again. You have the best eye. The last dickhead didn’t stick around for very long.” I was shocked by Gash’s praise. He wasn’t one to give it willingly.
“Yeah, well, I needed the cash.” No sense beating around the bush. I wanted to get to the point for my impromptu visit.
“So Marco tells me,” Gash said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his hands over his belly, wearing a self-satisfied smirk. He knew my weaknesses. He had made a living on exploiting people. He knew he could get me through my vices: cash, power, and drugs.
“I’m guessing that while the money you get from scouting helps some, it’s not nearly enough. Am I right?” he asked, his smirk irking me.
I cleared my throat, hardly able to believe I was groveling to this shit stain for help. I had sworn I’d never set foot in the club again. That my new life had no place for the world I used to live in.
But that was before I had been given an eviction notice. That was before I had been reminded of how impossible it would be for me to support the woman I loved in the way I wanted to.
I needed money. Desperately. I wanted to take care of the people I loved. How could I do that if I couldn’t even take care of myself?
“Do you have any jobs around the club where I could make some extra scratch? Bartending? Bouncer? I’m not picky.” I hated eating crow. I choked on it.
Gash’s smile widened.
“I’ve cut a lot of jobs lately. I’m not sure if Marco told you or not.”
I fidgeted in my seat. “Yeah, he mentioned something like that.”
“I don’t have any extra jobs like that to hand out. Particularly to someone who has proven they’re not entirely trustworthy.” Damn, he was enjoying this.
And it reminded me of how much I hated him.
“But . . .” Gash trailed off as he opened a drawer in his desk.
He pulled out a Ziploc bag and dropped it in front of me.
I didn’t touch it, even though my fingers started to itch with the desire to grab it and run. I could see the pills gleaming white under the overhead light.
“I told Marco—” I began, barely able to get the words out.
“I know what you told Marco, and I respected that. I’m just telling you the only job I have left is the one you walked away from.”
My nostrils flared, and I started to salivate.
This was a really bad idea.
I’m right here, where you left me, Maxx. I’ve missed you.
The voice taunted me just as it always had.
“No. I can’t,” I responded emphatically, proud of myself for turning down the temptation.
Gash opened the bag and pulled out a handful of pills. They were a variety of prescription narcotics, my drug of choice. He grabbed an envelope and dumped them inside, carefully licking the seam and closing it.
“You know as well as I do how much money you can make. It doesn’t have to be a regular thing, X. Just once or twice. You know, to pay off your bills. Until you can find a better job.” Gash pushed the envelope containing the pills across the desk.
“Just think about it. But not too long. I need to unload this shipment this weekend. This is some grade-A shit from California. It’ll bring top dollar, and I’d like my best people getting it out there. And X, there’s no one better than you, and we both know it.”
His flattery didn’t matter.
All I could see was the envelope containing those tiny, soul-destroying pills.
“Take ’em. Consider it your signing bonus.” Gash laughed, a horrible sound.
“I’m not saying I’ll do it,” I hedged, hearing the weakness in my ears.
“We both know that’s a fucking lie.” Gash laughed again, obviously finding my hesitance really funny.
My hand darted out and grabbed the envelope, folding it in half and shoving it into my pocket.
I got to my feet and hurried to the door.
Going there had been a really bad idea.
But I was a man out of choices. And the worst ones were starting to seem like the best ones.
“Let Marco know by Thursday. But you can keep the pills, Maxx. You look like you need them,” Gash called out as I pulled open the door.
I felt as though I had made a deal with the devil and there was no going back.
Not now.
Not ever.
chapter
thirty-one
aubrey
i love you, I texted to Maxx as I walked across campus toward the psychology building.
I love you more, he texted back only a minute later, making me smile.
Since coming back from North Carolina more than a week ago, I hadn’t been able to get over the nagging worry that something was different between us. The twinge of anxiety brought back nasty emotions I was trying hard to overcome.
Distrust being the most lethal.
The likelihood of relapse can be as high as 60 percent. Staying sober is a lifetime battle. What makes you think anything will be different?
That horrible voice taunted me with statistics and facts, reminding me of the likelihood that Maxx was indeed headed back down a dark path.
We had been back together for such a short time. I hated how quickly our respite had faded.
Suspicion was poisonous. It tainted everything.
I had experienced it once before, and I had sworn when I decided to try with Maxx again that it was a fixation I wasn’t willing to reacquaint myself with.
Truthfully, Maxx had done nothing to warrant my wariness. He continued to work at the Coffee Jerk and look for other employment options. I hadn’t seen anything to make me think he was using again.
So why the twinges of apprehension when we were together? I had convinced myself that my instinct was impaired. I needed to learn to trust him. To not question everything he said and did. But forgetting our painful past was hard.
Particularly as I headed to Dr. Lowell’s office for my weekly progress meeting. I hadn’t yet told her about Maxx, but I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
Today might very well change the rest of my life.
“Hi, Aubrey! Have a seat.” Dr. Lowell waved her hand at me and I walked inside, dropping my bag onto the floor.
I handed her my signed slip from Dr. Jones, my Boundaries and Ethics professor.
Dr. Lowell checked it off and put it in my file on her desk. She crossed her hands over the folder and gave me a smile.
“I went to visit my parents a couple of weekends ago.” I don’t know why I felt the need to tell her this. Only that she had always been such an easy person to confide in. “I feel like we’ve been able to deal with Jayme’s death and move forward as a family. Finally.”
Dr. Lowell’s smile broadened. “That’s wonderful, Aubrey. I’m seeing a lot of positive steps forward for you, which pleases me immensely. I think we are definitely able to start talking about next semester and how to reestablish your place in the program.”
This was it. My moment of truth. I froze momentarily, unable to say anything.
Dr. Lowell looked proud, an expression I hadn’t seen on her face directed at me in a while. She was handing me back the keys to my chosen kingdom. I had proven myself in her eyes, and she was willing to take me back into the fold.
But I couldn’t enjoy the victory, because it was laced with lies.
“Why did you want to be a counselor, Dr. Lowell?” I asked her. She looked startled by my question.
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