I refused to drag you and your father down my dark path.
You deserved a motherly figure who wasn’t broken.
You deserved so much more than the person I used to be.
Chelsie knew she couldn’t say any of those things.
She lowered herself to one knee, bringing herself to his level. His face was curious and expectant. “Sam… I couldn’t stay. I hope you can forgive me,” she said to him. Chelsie’s gaze was fixed on Sam, but her words were meant for them both.
Sam blinked a few times before nodding his head, as if contemplating his response. “We’re learning about forgiveness in school,” he told her. “I will definitely forgive you, Miss Chelsie.”
Chelsie replied with a watery smile, rising back to her feet. A simple explanation and apology had been the way to go. Chelsie’s only hope was that Sam would carry that forgiveness with him through adulthood. “That means a lot to me,” she replied. “That’s very nice of you.”
Sam looked up at his father. “Do you forgive her, too? You were really sad when she left. You wrote a lot of songs. I think you should forgive her, Dad.”
Chelsie felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Noah closed his eyes and looked to be grinding his teeth together. His shoulders were tense, and Chelsie had to resist the urge to lay a quieting hand against his arm. She interlocked her fingers together as if she needed a physical reminder to keep her hands to herself.
“Sam, why don’t you go find Beth and your brothers? I’ll be out in a minute,” Noah advised.
Sam waved at Chelsie as he bounced away, unaware of the unresolved tension he was leaving behind. She held her hand up in goodbye.
“Sorry,” Noah apologized. He hesitated a moment and then said, “I need to get back to my wife.”
His wife. That word was a tough pill to swallow. Chelsie was happy for Noah and Beth, but she’d be lying if there wasn’t a subtle sting lingering just beneath the surface. Chelsie had wanted Noah to move on, but when he had… well, it prickled a bit. Overall, Chelsie liked Beth. Beth was bubbly, self-confident, and stable – all the things Chelsie was not back then. Beth seemed to bring out the best in Noah, even all those years ago. She was a light in his life, where Chelsie had been a black hole.
This was exactly the way the story was destined to play out. Maybe it wasn’t the ending Chelsie had originally planned, but it was the right ending. It was the necessary ending.
“I – I completely understand,” Chelsie said, her lips drawn in a thin line.
Noah studied her for another moment, almost as if he was questioning her presence. He narrowed his eyes, his brow furrowed and contemplative. Then he walked away.
Chelsie tried to regain her composure. She hadn’t realized her legs were quivering beneath her weight until she began to move. Chelsie was about to tread back over to Lisa, who was awkwardly making small talk with a stranger in the corner of the room, when she felt a strong hand squeeze her upper arm. She whipped her head around, surprised to find Noah standing in front of her again.
“How long are you in town?” he asked. His face was still unreflective as to what he may be feeling.
Chelsie, on the other hand, was an open book. She was flustered. She chewed on her bottom lip as she often did when she was nervous. “Um… I leave tomorrow morning,” she told him.
Noah nodded his head, her response sinking in. “Have a drink with me tonight.”
“What?”
“Ernie’s. Can you meet me at seven?”
Chelsie was at a loss for words. “You’re… married.”
Noah shook his head. His gold wedding band caught the light as he ran a hand through his chestnut hair. “No, I don’t mean it like that. I just want to talk. Beth knows.”
Beth knows? Noah’s wife knows he wants to take his ex-lover out for drinks… and she’s okay with that?
“Noah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I feel like maybe we should keep the past in the past.”
“Damnit, Combs, you owe me this.” Noah glanced around the room, checking to see if anyone had heard him. He pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned in closer. “Please. I just want to talk. But this is not the place.”
The sound of her last name on his tongue made her stomach flutter. Her hands felt clammy as she wrung them together, her normally disciplined thoughts running rampant through her brain. Chelsie wondered what they could possibly say to each other that would change anything.
Maybe that wasn’t the point. Maybe Noah needed closure. Maybe she needed closure. Maybe, someday, she could fall asleep at night and not be drawn back into a world of Sunday morning pancakes and a perpetual vision of what might have been.
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll see you at seven.”
Noah seemed taken aback, as if he’d already resigned himself to her rejection. “Good. Thanks.”
Then he was gone, the familiar scent of his sandalwood cologne lingering behind.
Chelsie jumped when a hand tapped her shoulder. She turned to find Lisa standing there with a look of empathy on her face.
“Are you ready to go?” Lisa asked.
Chelsie nodded. “I’m ready.”
They made their way out of the funeral home and back into the chilly New York air. The sun had begun to peek through the gray clouds and Chelsie chuckled to herself at the symbolism. Noah had returned to his family and circle of friends outside the doors. His hand was gently rubbing Beth’s back as she fumbled with a blanket inside the stroller. Chelsie could spy two tiny feet poking out and wiggling furiously, as if trying to break free from their confinement.
Beth looked up at that moment, catching Chelsie’s eye. They both seemed to freeze for an instant, the two of them equally unprepared for such a correspondence.
Beth was extraordinarily pretty. Her features were so delicate, one would be unable to imagine her angry or enraged. She was the epitome of grace and composure. Becoming a mother of three boys had not aged her one bit – there was not a single wrinkle to be seen on her slender face. Her eyes were auburn, matching the freckles on the bridge of her nose. There was no animosity behind her gaze. There was no look of superiority or arrogance.
There was only acceptance.
Chelsie smiled, as if to give her blessing – as if to say, ‘I’m happy for you both’. Beth returned the friendly exchange, then turned her attention to the stroller.
Chelsie felt Lisa give her hand a soft squeeze as they continued their walk down the path to the parking lot. “Let’s go, Chelsie. I’ll give you a ride back to your hotel.”
25 Chapter Twenty-Five
Seven o’clock lingered at the forefront of her mind. Chelsie had attempted to occupy herself by calling her mother, sending some emails for work, showering – twice – and watching HGTV reruns on her hotel room television. Nothing seemed to work. The pit of ever-growing fretfulness continued to churn in her belly as the clock ticked down to that fateful hour.
When six-thirty rolled around, Chelsie checked her appearance in the mirror before heading down to the hotel lobby. She hadn’t bothered to get glammed up – this was not a date. This was the final part of her healing process. Chelsie combed her hair behind her ears and pressed her lips together, savoring the feel of the moist lip gloss she had just applied.
She looked different. She had changed – evolved. Despite the circumstances, there was a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there before. Chelsie wondered if Noah would notice it. Would he recognize her newfound self-worth? Would he appreciate it? Maybe Noah had been attracted to her darkness. Maybe her demons had pulled him in.
No. If Noah was drawn to broken souls, he wouldn’t have married Beth. She was the opposite of damaged.
No… Noah had most likely been captivated by the version of Chelsie that was yet to come – he had seen her potential. Only, he had no idea he would be the sacrifice Chelsie needed to make in order to reach that potential.
Chelsie took a deep breath and popped a pair of dangly, turquoise
earrings into her ears. She straightened out her yellow blouse and reached for her purse. It was time.
It was another short ride over to the bar. Chelsie stared out the window as the familiar part of town came into view. Her stomach twisted in knots from the memories connected to the brick buildings, light posts, and the cracked sidewalks.
“Here you go, Miss.”
Chelsie blinked her eyelids. The sign to ‘Ernie’s Pub’ flickered before her, tearing down her resolve. She had a physical reaction to it. Her palms grew sticky and her mouth felt like the desert sand. It took a fierce pep talk to force herself out of the vehicle. When the driver pulled away, she saw him. Noah was standing outside the door, leaning against the distressed brick and puffing on a cigarette. There must have been an unseen force between them because Noah lifted his head at that moment and their eyes locked in a familiar hold.
An ancient swarm of butterflies came to life inside Chelsie, tickling parts of her that had been sealed shut. She wondered if Noah felt it, too.
Noah tossed his cigarette to the ground and tucked his hands into his pockets as he approached her. “You came.”
“You thought I wouldn’t?”
He studied her long and hard, and Chelsie had to lower her gaze under his scrutiny. She wondered what he was searching for. As Chelsie’s eyes landed on a fire hydrant in front of the pub, the hair on the back of her neck stood up. They were standing in the exact spot where Noah had collapsed on that fateful, winter’s night. Chelsie had cradled him in her arms, blood pooling all around them. She could still see it stained into the cracks and crevices of the cement pavement. It lived there now – an eternal reminder of her troubled past. No matter what happened between herself and Noah, they would forever be a part of these city streets.
“Should we grab a table?”
Noah’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Sure,” she said. It was all she could muster in that moment.
The pub was empty for a Thursday night. A few locals glanced up as they made their way to the back of the room. Everything felt so familiar – and yet, it felt like an entirely different life. They took their seats across from each other and Chelsie folded her hands out in front of her. She was biting her lip again, her eyes floating everywhere except for Noah. A waitress stopped by their table and filled their glasses with ice water, which Chelsie began to chug. Noah ordered a beer, and they sat in silence for a few more minutes.
“Shit, Chelsie, I don’t even know where to begin,” Noah said. He scratched his head with a sigh as he tried to string together his thoughts. “How are you?”
Chelsie was taken aback by his question. She wasn’t sure why, but it seemed like such an ordinary thing to ask considering their very unordinary circumstances. “I’m good,” she replied. “I’m really good.”
“I saw you on Ellen,” he admitted. “It’s a great thing you’ve started.”
She couldn’t help but smile at the sentiment. “It’s crazy how it all came together. I knew I needed to change my life, but I had no idea how big everything would become.”
Noah flinched at the word ‘change’.
He had been the biggest part of that change.
Chelsie brought the glass of water to her lips as the waitress returned with Noah’s beer. She decided to change the subject. “How is Rosa?”
Noah sipped on his draft beer, and Chelsie could almost see a renewed twinkle in his eye. “Rosa is doing great. She flew back home to Mexico shortly after I made a full recovery. We still get postcards from her.”
“She went back to Mexico?” Chelsie couldn’t help the feeling of joy that swept over her. “I can’t believe it.”
“Yeah,” Noah nodded. “She reunited with an old flame and everything. She, uh… thanked you in one of the postcards.”
Chelsie was unable to conceal the look of astonishment on her face. “What?”
“I actually brought it with me,” Noah said, reaching into his wallet. “I thought maybe you’d want to have it.”
Noah handed her the faded, folded up postcard.
Dearest muchacha,
Gracias, señorita. You were right. Mi Paco was waiting for me after all these years. Bendice su alma. El amor es el amor – “love is love”. It will always be waiting.
Wise words, señorita. My heart says gracias.
Rosa y Paco
There was a small polaroid photo attached of Rosa and Paco sitting by the beach. Chelsie hadn’t known she’d been crying until her tears seeped onto the postcard and caused the ink to run. She wiped at her face with the sleeve of her blouse. “I – I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m just so happy for her.”
Rosa must not have realized Chelsie had left town if she’d sent Noah this postcard. Rosa was probably unaware Chelsie had abandoned her own advice and given up on her one chance at love. The thought felt like a blade to the heart. It felt like a silent betrayal.
“She’s a good woman. I’m glad she’s happy,” Noah said from across the table. He was studying her again. He looked to be searching for the perfect words. His eyes were scanning her face. “You look good.”
Chelsie swallowed and placed her hands into her lap. Her nails were biting into the heels of her palms. “I feel good,” she replied. It was the truth. She was the happiest she’d ever been. She hoped so hard Noah could see it, too. Maybe he would understand why she had to leave.
“You didn’t say goodbye.”
She recoiled at his words. Oh, it hurt. She knew it was coming, but it hurt. Chelsie looked up at the ceiling, forcing back a new wave of tears. “I am so sorry, Noah.”
He was leaning forward, his elbows on the table. “You just left,” he said. His words were hard and sober, but his tone expressed no emotion. “You left in the middle of the night with no goodbye. Especially after we had just…” Noah’s voice trailed off.
Chelsie finally saw a flash of sorrow dance across Noah’s eyes and she wanted to reach for him. Her first instinct was still to comfort him. “I know,” she acknowledged.
“You broke my fucking heart, Combs.”
She closed her eyes. “I know.”
She did know. She knew all too well because it had shattered her own heart into a million fractured pieces. Despite the wonderful life she had made for herself, Chelsie knew her heart would never be the same. Noah would always be a missing piece. It was simply the price she’d needed to pay. There was no redemption without sacrifice.
Chelsie was frazzled, her thoughts muddy. The room felt like it was closing in on her. “I – I have to go.”
Noah gawked at her, incredulous. “Are you serious?”
Chelsie grabbed her purse and stood up from the booth, unable to spare him a final glance. She moved through the bar and pushed open the main doors, gasping when the cold air invaded her lungs. Chelsie needed to get out of there. She had grown strong over the years, but Noah was her weak link. She needed more time. Maybe someday…
She was walking briskly down the sidewalk when she glanced to her right.
The alley. The alley. She stalled in her tracks, then backpedaled until she stood facing the opening. It was dark and wet. She could see cars passing by at the opposite end. Chelsie knew she should walk the other way and leave New York for good, but an invisible pull was dragging her into that alleyway. Her feet took on a mind of their own, and she found herself trudging through the gravel and rocks. Chelsie stopped a quarter of the way in and let the memories spill into every vein, every pore, every molecule of her being.
Then she felt him. He hadn’t made his presence known, but he was there – standing behind her, maybe a foot away. Chelsie turned around to face him. She needed to truly face him.
“It was the only way, Noah.” Her voice was strained, her emotions running high. She wouldn’t hold back this time. She needed to spill her guts to him. If it had to be in this alleyway, so be it. “It was the only way you’d let me go.”
Noah stood perfectly still. His body was shrouded in shadows. “You’re right,�
� he said. “I would have fought for you. I would have fought hard.”
“That’s exactly why it had to be like that. I wasn’t healthy, Noah. I was broken and I’d lost my way. I needed to leave. I needed to fix myself.”
“And I just fucking needed you.” His anger and resentment had bubbled to the surface. “I never saw you as broken or damaged. You were perfect in my eyes.”
Noah approached her in the darkness, his features coming into view by the light of a streetlamp. The tears were spilling from Chelsie’s eyes as she absorbed his words. She didn’t care if he saw her cry. She needed to feel everything, no matter how ugly it may be.
“I wasn’t perfect,” she croaked out. “I never went looking for perfection – I went looking for peace. And I found it, Noah. I’m happy. I’m alive. I finally feel like I’ve found my place in the world. I have purpose.”
“You never even gave us a chance,” he countered. “I could have helped you. We could have gotten through anything together.”
Chelsie shook her head adamantly, her fists balled up at her sides. “No. I would have dragged you down with me, and you deserved so much more than that. Sam deserved more.”
“You have no right to decide what my son and I deserve. You were selfish.”
Chelsie gaped at him, her skin growing hot from his accusation. “I was anything but selfish,” she argued. “The pain nearly killed me! I gave up the greatest thing in my life to save yours. You would have drowned, Noah. You might not see it, but I do. Look at everything that had happened up to that point – your broken friendship with Devon, your departure from the band, your tarnished media image, your life almost taken from you!” She stopped to catch her breath, her chest heaving with heated conviction. “Now, look around you. You have a beautiful wife and three amazing children. You have a thriving solo career. You’re happy, Noah. You’re successful. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand?”
Noah took a moment to process her words. Then he reached his hands out to cup her face. “I loved the hell out of you, Chelsie Combs. That was enough for me.”
Chelsie stared at him in awe until her face crumbled into a mask of unrelenting sobs. Noah pulled her to him, crushing her against his chest. He hugged her fiercely, one arm around her back, and his opposite hand knotted in her hair. Chelsie cried in his arms, her body shaking with years of stored up grief and open wounds. “I’m so sorry,” she said, weeping into the crook of his shoulder. She clutched to him. His t-shirt was balled up between her fists. His heart was drumming its heavy beats beneath his ribcage, and Chelsie felt closer to him than ever before. Her mind wasn’t racing with toxic thoughts. She wasn’t worrying about hurting him. She wasn’t overwrought with the stress of what could go wrong. She wasn’t analyzing every aspect of their relationship.
Aria (Duet Series Book 1) Page 30