He couldn’t bring himself to go back there, couldn’t face any of them, not even Riley. He made a small fire and sat by it for a long time, watching the flames, and when the dark came, he found a few dry logs and made the fire large enough to sleep next to, lay down on the grass, and closed his eyes, hoping he could just sleep, dreamlessly. And after a while, his mind finally stopped running through all the memories of his father and the years that followed, and everything seemed blurry and soft. Lancer’s gray eyes looking at him with sadness in them, and then anger, Riley’s face, with all the hurt in it when he asked him if he’d walk away back in Waller, and then a different kind of hurt when he held the gun against his head, forcing him to kneel. And Trina’s small body on the grass not moving, eyes closed, and her soft, amber eyes spilling tears, her necklace burning his hand, and he slept, feeling the burn in his hand get larger, feeling the searing pain of it.
Lancer’s concerned face greeted him when he opened his eyes. He was lying in a puddle, completely soaked, the fire just making smoke, making him choke. He jumped up, trying to remember if it rained last night, trying to figure out why he was wet, and why his hand was hurting so badly. Lancer walked away from him to where the grass didn’t seem wet and was digging through a medkit.
“You need to come over here, Brody, and give me that hand.”
He finally looked at it, the middle of his palm all red, swollen. He remembered something burning it last night, Trina’s necklace…. He must have dropped his hand on an ember while he was asleep.
Lancer had him sit next to him. He watched him spray something green from a tiny bottle into the bowl of water, and set it in front of him. “Put your hand in. It’ll hurt for a bit at first, but you’ll feel a lot better afterward.”
He did, and after a few minutes, he didn’t feel it burn as much anymore.
Lancer was watching him, waiting for him to say something, but he didn’t want to talk to him, to anybody. He didn’t mean to hurt himself like this, but he didn’t think anyone would believe him, so there was no point in telling them. They could think what they wanted of him. It didn’t matter. He put his head down, and closed his eyes, feeling the pain in his hand come and go in waves, hoping this didn’t take too much longer.
“All right, Brody. Don’t talk. It doesn’t change anything. But you better hope you can use your hand by the time we have to leave for Crylo, or you can’t come,” he said and went back to digging through the kit, pulling out another spray bottle, gauze bandages, a pair of small, sharp scissors and a bottle of antiseptic. He stuck the scissors into the bottle, and handed him a small towel, telling him to dry his hand.
He did, feeling the burning come back, slowly at first, but getting more and more painful by the second.
Lancer reached for his hand, looking at him, eyes soft. “I have to cut some of the dead skin off, or it’ll get infected. I’m sorry.”
He nodded and gritted his teeth, keeping his eyes down, not wanting to see what Lancer was doing. “Why are you doing this, and not Ella?”
Lancer ignored him, just kept at what he was doing with his hand, spraying it now with something that felt ice cold against his skin, and then wrapping it with gauze.
He flinched when he tightened the bandage, couldn’t help it. “Sorry,” he whispered, but Lancer didn’t even look at him. He seemed angry at him, his face tense. He watched him put all the stuff back into the medkit, dump the water on the remnants of the fire, making it hiss, and turn back toward the city.
He stood up and screamed angrily at the man’s back: “I know you think I did this to myself, but I swear I didn’t mean to do it. I wasn’t trying to hurt myself. It was a bloody accident.”
Lancer stopped and slowly turned around, looking at his face. “I don’t believe you, Brody. I want to, but I just don’t,” he said and then turned abruptly and walked away, not once glancing back.
He knew he wouldn’t believe him, knew it beforehand, that’s why he didn’t want to talk about it, but it still hurt.
He wasn’t ready to go back after that, so he stayed where he was, putting burn marks into the targets with his stunner. He did it for a long time, long enough to remember that he hadn’t eaten since yesterday, long enough for his hand to hurt unbearably again. He felt her before he heard anything, and there she was, standing in the clearing, looking at him, Lancer towering behind her. Her eyes were rimmed with red, face flushed. He made this girl cry again.
He walked up to her and kissed her softly on her forehead, not caring that Lancer was there.
“I didn’t mean to do it, Laurel. It was an accident. I must have dropped my hand on an ember when I was asleep. Lancer doesn’t believe me, and I don’t blame him for it. I asked him to get even with me yesterday, only he wouldn’t do it. So he thinks I hurt myself because he wouldn’t do it to me. But I didn’t, Laurel, I swear I didn’t.” He could see tears collecting in her eyes.
She dropped her head, hiding and he couldn’t take it. He reached for her, but she just shook her head at him and ran back toward the city, not saying anything to Lancer, not looking back.
Brody felt anger burning a hole in his chest, making him want to hit something, but he couldn’t even do that with his hand the way it was and Lancer watching him.
Lancer didn’t move, didn’t say anything, just stood still and silent between the trees, putting him on edge. He didn’t know what he could possibly say to him or to anyone. None of them would believe him. He just had to find a way of making them not afraid for him now.
He walked over to Lancer. “Would it make it easier for all of you to just tie my hands? That’s what Riley did to me before when nobody trusted me not to hurt myself, so I’m used to having the bloody band around my wrists. Do it, if you feel you need to.” He put his hands out in front of him, waiting, but Lancer shook his head, took a quick step to him, and wrapped his arms around him hard, pressing him close to his chest, not letting him move.
He fought him with everything he had, trying to get away from him, squirming under his arms, his hand hurting worse than anything, but Lancer held on, not budging, not letting him move at all.
“Please, let go of me,” he hissed at him from between clenched teeth.
“No.”
He felt his eyes burn, everything in him breaking, and he didn’t want to break in front of this man, but he couldn’t fight him, and he couldn’t hold in the tears or the sobs that followed, couldn’t hold any of it in anymore.
Lancer didn’t say anything, just held him, letting him cry, letting him hide his face in his chest, and after a while, he felt his arms loosen around him, so he stepped back and turned away from him, hating him. “Please, leave, Lancer,” he spat at him.
“I can’t do that, Brody. I’ve seen worse things, you know…. So have you. And for what it’s worth, I do believe you. I don’t think you’d lie to her, don’t think you can lie to Laurel. Please, stop hiding from me. It makes it hard to talk to you.”
He made himself turn around and look at him.
“We’re even now, you and I. Something tells me this hurt you worse than anything I could have done to you before. I am sorry for that. I don’t think any less of you for it if it matters, and you’ll just have to trust me on that.”
He felt himself blush, couldn’t help it.
Lancer put his hand on his shoulder, his voice soft when he spoke. “I truly am sorry for making you uncomfortable, Brody. Please stop beating yourself up for this, of all things. It doesn’t make you weak, just human.”
He put his head down, trying to get himself under control, and Lancer turned away from him, letting him be for a while; long enough for him to not be so angry at him anymore.
“I hate to do this to you, but you need to let me walk you back. I don’t want to force you, but you can’t stay here, hiding from everybody,” Lancer said.
The man was right. He had to go back, had to eat something, and maybe ask Stan to try to find him some pain pills for his hand, which was h
urting unbearably now. He nodded and followed him out of the clearing. They walked in silence, Lancer lost to his own thoughts.
They were already in the elevator when he finally said what he needed to say to him, what he knew he had the right to know, needed to know. “I lied to you earlier. I don’t know if I can pull the trigger on him if it comes to that. Don’t know if I can do it, I’m sorry.”
Lancer put his arm around him, squeezing hard into his shoulder. “I know. I don’t know if I could either. We’ll make sure you don’t have to either way. I’ll go into the lab with your boys instead of you and you’ll deal with setting up the explosions and keep the girls safe. We’ll make it work.”
Nobody in the room asked him anything, ignoring his bandaged hand, not wanting to pry. Laurel wasn’t there. Drake brought him a thermos of broth and waited until he was done with it, his hand on his shoulder, squeezing it, not saying anything. It seemed nobody knew what to say to him, and he couldn’t take being in that room after that. He found Laurel after a little while in the tiny room she was using, sitting on her cot, head on her knees. He leaned against the door, feeling like he was intruding, not trusting himself to be too close to her, not wanting to make her cry again.
“I’m sorry, Laurel…. Sorry for scaring you like that, for taking off. I needed to do it. I’m okay now, I promise, I really am.”
She was up and running to him, wrapping her soft hands around his neck, and then pulling his face to hers, kissing him, not saying anything, and he let her kiss him, and then let her walk him to her cot, and make him lie down on it. She curled up next to him, her head on his chest, eyes soft, watching him, and he knew she believed him, and that she didn’t think any less of him for any of it, and it felt good knowing that. And he hoped he could learn to let go of the guilt for his father and for what he did to Maxton, and Riley, and the guilt for making this girl cry. He loved this girl, as afraid as he was of saying it, even to himself, and suddenly he felt he owed it to her to tell her, that she needed to know.
“I don’t want to scare you or anything, but I need you to know something… I am pretty sure I love you,” he whispered quickly, in a rush. He felt her head lift, and closed his eyes, feeling afraid; afraid of what she might say or the look on her face. “Please, don’t say anything,” he whispered, and her lips were on his, and after a while, he looked at her again, and her eyes were full of water, making him ache.
He didn’t mean to make her sad by saying it, only somehow he did anyway. “I’m sorry, Laurel. Please don’t….”
She smiled at him, tears still in her eyes, and shook her head at him softly, stopping him. “You’re an idiot. You need to learn that not everything you do to people hurts them. I’m not sad, Brody. I’m the opposite of that… I think I’ve been waiting for you to say it for weeks, and then I didn’t think you ever would. I’m pretty sure I’ve loved you since I met you.”
She put her head back on his chest, and he hugged her to him with everything he had, not letting go even when he felt that she was asleep, breathing softly, not ever wanting to let go.
12
Portraits
Drake, June 9, 2236, Reston
“Take a walk with me, Lancer.”
The man got up without a word and followed him.
He took him down to the street, and then toward the little houses with the pretty tiled roofs and all the window boxes, Lancer not rushing him, not saying anything. The man had the patience of a saint. They walked for a long time, long enough for him to think through what he needed to talk to him about. He spotted a bench he liked, old and wooden, something they’d have in Waller. It was the first thing he saw here that didn’t seem new in all the wrong ways. He sat, nodding to Lancer to join him. “I know we haven’t talked much, at all really. I don’t tend to talk unless I have to. I need to ask something of you. I’ve been thinking of how to for days, and I just have to at this point. I don’t expect you to be okay with it either. I won’t hold it against you if you’re not, is what I’m saying.”
Lancer nodded, not averting his eyes.
“Okay then. These kids…. If something happens to me, I need to know that they will be all right. That they’ll have somebody. I know you don’t owe them anything, but I don’t think you have any place to go either, and they trust you.”
Lancer stood, looking at him strangely. “I’ll do everything I can to make sure you come back whole from this, for these kids, for Ella, I can promise you that. But I’m not having this conversation,” he said, turned away from him, and started to walk back to the tower, head down.
Drake ran after him, grabbed him roughly by his arm, and spun him around. “I didn’t ask you to do that. I asked you to not abandon the kids if I don’t make it. It’s a simple request. If you can’t or don’t want to, tell me. I don’t need to know why or anything. I just need to know.”
“I’ll take care of them if I have to, Drake. If they let me. You have my word,” he said quietly and stuck his hand out.
He shook it, but Lancer kept holding on, not letting him go, his grip harder than he expected. “It seems most everybody here has a death wish or something… I don’t know why that is. I need to know that you’ll do everything you can to come back whole, that you won’t risk yourself if you don’t have to.”
He smiled at him, couldn’t help it. “You don’t know me very well, Lancer. I’m not one of them soldier boys. I am basically a coward, and I have every intention of coming back. I don’t have any kind of a death wish is what I’m saying.”
They walked back in silence, Lancer looking straight ahead.
He stopped him a few blocks from the tower. “I have to know something, Lancer. Brody. It’s going to be the hardest on him. I know you know that. Riley told me what he did to you and that other kid, likely not all of it, but even from that…. I haven’t seen you even look at the kid with anger since. What I’m asking is… I need to know that the two of you are all right.”
Lancer looked at him strangely for a while, his face hard. “What are you really asking me? Are you asking if I’m still angry at the kid to where I’ll risk him somehow? If I’m just waiting until we get to Crylo to do that, to get back at him?” He turned away from him, hands in fists at his sides, angry. “We are done here, Drake. I’ll take care of the kids if I have to, this doesn’t change anything, but we’re done.”
He offended him somehow. He didn’t mean to, but it was obvious that he did anyway. He followed him to the building but Lancer wouldn’t look at him when they got there, just stared blankly in front of him.
He stopped the elevator, keeping his hand on the door, not letting it close, forcing Lancer to look at him. “I made you angry with me. I’m sorry for that. I’ve known those two boys their whole lives; watched them grow up, so it’s different for me. I know how they are, no matter some of the things they do, but I don’t expect you to know that or to see it in them. What Brody did… I don’t know if I’d have gotten over it if he did that to someone I cared about the way you seem to, is all. I’m sorry I asked.” And he let him be after that.
Riley met them at the elevator, looking flushed.
“Going somewhere, Riley?”
The kid nodded and got in as soon as he and Lancer stepped out, not saying a word.
Something happened then. He held the door open and slid inside just as it started to close, so there wasn’t a thing Riley could do about it. “Talk, Riley.” He leaned against the door, hand pressing the stop button.
“It’s personal, Drake. I can’t.”
He nodded to the kid. “All right. Ams personal or Brody personal?”
Riley glared at him. “What does it bloody matter? I am not talking about it to you. I need to go for a walk, and you need to let me.”
He let go of the button then, not saying anything more to him, letting him get out when the doors opened. He’ll know soon enough if it was something he needed to know.
Everyone was in the big room when he got up there, talking.
All but Brody. The kid wasn’t looking at anybody or saying anything. Brody personal then. Ella was handing out sandwiches to all of them, Brody just shaking his head at her.
He watched him for a while, and finally walked over to him and picked him up by his shirt. “We are going for a quick walk, Brody.” The kid let him take him out of the room like that, not saying anything, not even looking at him.
He took him to the comm room and sat him down in the chair, waiting, but Brody wouldn’t talk. “Riley went for a walk too, just now. He says it’s personal, wouldn’t talk to me about it. Something tells me you don’t want to talk about it either, but one of you is going to have to, or we can’t do what we need to do. Not with you two being like this. Spill it. It won’t go beyond this room.”
Brody just shook his head at him.
He pulled up a chair and sat across from him, watching him, waiting.
“I did something stupid, is all. I’ll make it right with him, as soon as he comes back, I promise, but I can’t talk to you about it, I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”
Everybody was falling apart on him. This place was getting to them. They needed to just get this over with, and maybe once they weren’t trapped here anymore, these kids would laugh again, or at least not be so damn wound up. He could see it on all of them, even the girls, the tension. He walked around the table and put his hands on Brody’s shoulders for a beat and let him be after that. He needed a break from this, from constantly worrying about all these kids.
He made himself a small thermos of tea and went out to the woods, to a trail he liked with the young birches around it. The air here was more like it was in Waller, and everything was alive, rustling greenly all around him, the light throwing soft, warm streams through the branches on the path in front of him. Everything here was soft, hazy soft. He sat under one of the new birches, drinking his tea, thinking about all these kids, and how it would be for them with Lancer if it came to that. He trusted the man not to abandon them, but he didn’t know if the kids would let him get close. They didn’t seem to let anyone get close lately, and it worried him. All the silences in the big room, their serious faces….
Alliance: The Complete Series (A Dystopian YA Box Set Books 1-5): Dystopian Sci Fi Thriller Page 43