Cara and I heard the whole thing. It’s pretty quiet around here.
Then you know how alone I feel right now.
You have me, Char.
All of my anger and insecurities came bubbling to the surface as he attempted to hug me. As I pushed him away, I could see the hurt in his eyes but I couldn’t stop. I needed air. My world had been a lie and I had no idea who I could trust.
Would you just leave me alone?
What?
I need to be alone right now. I just want to breathe and exist without wondering who I can trust.
Don’t push me away, Char. When someone hurts you, you automatically push everyone else away. I’m not the one who lied to you.
No, but you will lie eventually. Maybe not today but you will.
Ezra shook his head impatiently and looked out at the water of the pond colored by the ever-darkening sunset.
You can’t push me away every time someone else hurts you. That’s not fair to either of us.
Oh, so you can put up with jerks like Wyatt but not with someone like me?
What are you talking about?
In every relationship you have, you never tell them how you really feel. Wyatt annoys you but you still encourage his behavior. And let’s not even mention your dad!
No, let’s mention my dad. What about him?
Both Ezra and I were heated by now, my fists clenched by my sides while his remained in his pockets.
He controls everything about your life! Your career, your school, the sport you play, even your hair cut!
My dad is only trying to do what’s best for me.
What’s best for you? You hate him so much that you didn’t want to go home this summer!
What does this have to do with anything, Char?
You can be best friends with someone but hate their guts behind their back. So how do I know how you really feel about me?
Ezra pulled his hands from his pockets and pushed them roughly through his hair. Then, he threw them up in the air as if surrendering the fight.
That’s all it takes to rebuild those walls I worked so hard to tear down, huh? I don’t even have to be the one who hurts you.
You only get hurt when you let people close, Ezra. It’s just easier to be independent.
Fine. Have it your way, Char. But just know, it gets lonely behind those walls. And I’m not tearing them down again.
I never wanted you to tear them down anyway.
My anger had calmed to bitterness as I turned away from his broken expression. The gentle roll of the water was the antithesis of how I felt on the inside as I watched the pink and orange of the sunset’s reflection intermingle.
The adrenaline from the conversation with my parents had worn off and I collapsed onto my knees at the water’s edge. My sobs could be heard over the crickets and frogs who had made the pond their home.
When there were no more tears to be shed and the sun had disappeared behind the horizon, I turned to look for Ezra. But he was gone.
Thirty-Four
My knees were damp from kneeling on the ground as I stood up from the edge of the pond. In the distance, I could see the silhouette of someone walking toward me, the flashlight in their hand bobbing up and down with each step.
Cara?
Yes, it’s me. Your dad didn’t think you would want to talk to him so I came to get you. How are you doing, baby girl?
Ezra told me you both overheard the conversation so how do you think I’m doing? All along I thought I could trust my dad but he’s as much of a monster as my mom.
Your father is not a monster. People do stupid things when they’re hurt. Just like you’ve done tonight with Ezra.
I shook my head and began walking toward the house with her.
He’ll lie to me eventually just like everyone else has. I can’t trust anyone. Except maybe you, Cara.
Lottie, no one is perfect. Did I ever tell you about how my husband died?
You said it was a car crash.
In the dim light from the house, I could see Cara’s dark eyes look off into the distance, memories of her husband running through her mind.
Yes. But I never told you that I was the reason he was driving that day. It was during a tough time when we were both frustrated over our inability to have children. We had a huge fight and I told him to leave. If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t be dead.
Cara’s voice was shaking as she continued on with her story. We had reached the yard just outside the back door and I watched as Cara switched the flashlight off.
What I am trying to say, Lottie, is that I pushed away the person I loved most in the world when I was hurt… and now I’ll never get him back. If I could go back, I would have said sorry and held him close. You never know how long you have on this earth, Lottie. Don’t waste your life pushing people away.
Every person I’ve ever let close has only lied to me or left without a word. How am I supposed to forget that?
You don’t. Because love isn’t about forgetting. It’s about loving the person, mistakes and all.
I nodded my head, a single tear running down my cheek as I looked through the screen door into the lighted dining room. From where we stood, I could see my dad pacing between the dining table and the kitchen. When I looked back at Cara, she smiled and nodded toward the house.
Go.
Thank you, Cara.
The screen door creaked as I stepped inside the door. My dad’s head shot up, his eyes red from tears shed while I was away. There was no sign of my mom, Mason, or Ezra.
Lottie, I’m so sorry. I know I messed up and I never told you the truth. I was afraid. Anxiety and depression nearly destroyed your mother and it tore our family apart. I thought it was best for you to stay with me away from her but all along, I was terrified to lose you, too.
I stood shaking as my father uncharacteristically poured his soul out to me. When I thought I had shed every tear possible, more began to gather in my eyes as he spoke.
Blood or not, I should have fought for your brother, should’ve called or visited. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping you in the dark but I didn’t realize how that would make you feel. The loss of your mom and brother and the fear of losing you made me desperate and stupid. And I understand if you feel you can’t trust me now, sis.
Never before had I seen my father so broken and vulnerable as he stood waiting for my reaction. I was no longer angry but imagining a life without my dad, never getting to hug him again or smell the musk of his cologne in the morning.
Suddenly, I couldn’t hold back any longer as I ran over to my father, throwing my arms around his waist and burying my face into his shirt. I felt the desperate grasp of his hands on my back as he fell down to his knees, tears escaping his eyes.
As my dad knelt on the ground, he held me in his lap, crying as he kissed the top of my head. Over and over again, I heard the deep rumble of his voice against my ear as he muttered the same words: “I’m so sorry, baby.”
Outside the screen door, I could hear the booms of fireworks lighting up the sky. In one night, my entire life had changed but the world outside was still in celebration of our freedom. In a way, my family gained freedom tonight, freedom from ten years of lies and secrets. Only some freedoms didn’t end in celebrating.
*****
When my father and I had finished crying on the floor of the kitchen, we sat at the dining table for hours as he answered any and all questions I had about our family.
Cara came inside after the fireworks were done, quietly dismissing herself to the back of the house.
So, what does this mean for us now, Dad?
It means whatever you want it to mean. Reese left her phone number if you want to talk. Said it was totally your choice.
I think I should talk to her. We all made mistakes and she’s trying to do the right thing now.
My dad nodded, accepting the choice I made to speak with my mom again. His hand was cupped over mine on the table and his roug
h thumb rubbed the top of my hand.
And what about Mason?
I told him that he’d always be my son and that if he wanted a dad, I was here. He wasn’t sure at the time what he wanted to do.
I glanced at the time on the clock in the kitchen and realized it was nearly midnight. Exhaustion had begun to set in and my bed was calling my name.
If it’s okay with you, Dad, I’m going to bed.
That’s fine, sis. I love you.
Love you, Dad.
As I walked down the hall toward my room, I caught sight of Ezra’s door. My heart sank as I remembered our last conversation. I couldn’t sleep without apologizing to him but as I repeatedly knocked on his door, there was no answer.
As I peeked inside, the light from the hall illuminated the empty bed. Throwing open the door, there was no sign of him or his belongings anywhere in the room.
When I ran back through the kitchen, I found Cara and my dad at the dining table hand in hand. They looked up quickly as I stopped in front of them, my eyes wide in disbelief.
Where’s Ezra?
The two exchanged meaningful looks before my dad nodded for Cara to answer my question.
When he came back from the pond, he said he was leaving. He packed his belongings, thanked us for our hospitality, and drove away. We thought you knew.
I ran back to my room and grabbed my phone from my pillow, dialing Ezra’s number. Over and over again, I tried to call him but there was no answer.
When I woke up the next morning with my phone plastered to the side of my face, I lay in disbelief at the night before. My fingers stroked the keys of my phone as I dared to listen to the voicemails Ezra had left me during spring break.
In my anger, I refused to listen to them months ago but now I craved to hear his voice.
Char, please answer. I need to talk to you.
Listen, I know you’re mad but I can explain. Just call me back.
Charlotte, please. I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you. This can’t be the end. Call me back.
Char, do you remember when we first met? I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. My whole life, I felt like I was only going through the motions to live up to my dad’s expectations. But there was nothing fake about you. You were so real and I felt like me for the first time. Not the me that my dad or my friends want me to be, but the me I want to be.
Hey, Char. I’ll see you tomorrow at school. I hope you’ll listen to my side of the story. I promise never to lie to you.
My chest felt empty as I listened to Ezra’s voice on the messages. I missed him so much and it was all my fault for pushing him away when he had done nothing wrong.
I dialed his number but only received voicemail again. But this time, I didn’t hang up before leaving a message.
Hey, Ezra. It’s Charlotte. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for pushing you away. You were only trying to be there for me and I let my issues come between us. I totally understand if you don’t want to talk to me. I just miss you, Ezra.
Over the last month of summer break, I called Ezra at least half a dozen more times. And every time, he ignored my call.
After calling my mom, she and Mason came back to the house to talk with my dad and me. When they arrived, the room was completely silent. Having mentioned leaving to give us privacy, Cara appeared from the bedrooms with her purse in hand.
But before she could leave out the back door, my mom called her into the room. My dad and I both tensed as Cara walked into the living room and cautiously met eye contact with my mother.
I didn’t catch your name.
Cara.
My name is Reese, Charlotte’s mother.
Yes, it’s nice to meet you.
I’d love it if you would stay and sit with us, Cara.
Oh, no. I want to give you all some privacy as a family. It’s no problem at all.
You cared for my daughter when I didn’t. You are a part of this family and have a right to be here. I also want to thank you for all you’ve done for Henry and Charlotte.
As I watched their encounter, I shot a glance over at my father who looked surprised by my mom’s attitude toward Cara. He slid over on the couch, creating a spot for her to sit between me and him.
Reese is right, Cara. You are a part of the family and I would love for you to join us.
Cara’s eyes were misty as she nodded, sitting her purse on the coffee table and accepting the offered seat on the couch. My dad grabbed her hand, kissing the back of it before returning his attention to the conversation.
I could see the pleasant surprise in Cara’s eyes as she looked down at his hand holding hers. She must have believed she would no longer be needed with my mom back but it was obvious my dad still chose her.
Mason, now back to his friendly and outgoing self, introduced himself to Cara with a handshake. For two hours, the five of us sat talking over our past and future as a family.
It would take a long time to rebuild the trust but we all agreed it was worth working toward. Mason voiced his desire for Dad to be in his life, regardless of relation, and my dad readily accepted.
At the end of our time together, Cara, Dad, and Mom stepped outside while Mason lingered in the living room with me.
Charlotte, I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you this year. I should not have harassed you or your boyfriend.
We’ve all done stupid things. I forgive you.
Thanks, Lot-… I mean, Charlotte.
You can call me Lottie, Mason. I promise I won’t hit you.
He chuckled as he nudged my arm playfully, standing to join the others outside.
Yeah, it was tough explaining the black eye to Mom when I got home. Even tougher admitting it was my five-foot five-inch little sister who gave it to me.
Hey, mighty things come in small packages.
Yes, they do. Where is that boyfriend of yours anyway? With how close you both were, I figured he’d be here the whole summer.
Um, well, we’ve sort of hit a rough patch. It’s my fault.
Well, you should apologize to him. He seemed crazy about you, always protecting and supporting you.
Yeah, he’s really a good guy.
Mason nodded before awkwardly extending his arms for a hug. He was my sweet, goofy brother again. I smiled as I stepped forward and accepted his hug, feeling his long arms squeeze me tight.
Outside, my mom was hugging Cara, murmuring in her ear and smiling. It all felt so surreal. Even my eight-year-old self still hopeful of her mother coming back would have never believed any of this was possible.
As I stood watching my new family interact, I heard Cara’s words from months before echo in my head.
I think life gives you second chances. Some people only have one love that lasts a lifetime and others are given another chance. But if you shut yourself off from others, you risk losing any and all opportunities that may come your way.
Thirty-Five
The smell of funnel cakes and popcorn wafted through the air as I searched for my friends. Cara and my dad dropped me off at the college merely an hour before, helping me with my luggage before driving away hand in hand. Only this time, there was a ring on Cara’s left hand and a permanent smile on both their faces.
Hurriedly, I unpacked before the annual block party began. Sophie’s belongings had been casually thrown to her side of the room but she was nowhere to be seen. And neither was Nathan.
As I walked through the activities in the courtyard, I spotted Nathan and Sophie at the ring toss booth. She held cotton candy in her hand while Nathan skillfully tossed the rings onto the bottles. Even from a distance, I could hear her cheering him on.
Closer, I could see that Nathan had cut his hair short, most likely for football season and Sophie’s was straightened down her back. It was no surprise she wore a breathtaking summer dress with strappy sandals, stealing the attention of nearly every guy passing by.
Sophie!
Charlotte! Oh my gosh! I missed you so mu
ch, girl! Come here!
Sophie ran toward me with her arms stretched wide, Nathan following behind with his prize of a stuffed duck. When Sophie was done shaking me, Nathan offered his usual side hug and pat on the back.
I glanced back at the booth they had just left, hoping to find Ezra in their company. I heard someone call Nathan’s name before he turned and began talking with another football player. Sophie eyed me and smiled, poking my arm playfully.
Who are you looking for, Char? Ezra?
Maybe. Have you heard from him lately?
Heard from him? His family is the talk of the town. Turns out his dad has a drinking problem. When Ezra came home, his dad entered a rehab facility. His sister came home for it and everything.
Oh, wow.
Deep down, I knew Ezra’s arrival was no coincidence to his father’s admittance to rehab. Maybe something positive came out of our fight after all.
Yeah, he just got here a couple of hours ago. He should be down any minute now.
Oh, okay. So how was your summer?
Well, my sisters totally messed up my room when I was gone but it didn’t matter because I spent most of the summer with Nathan. He introduced me to his parents, Char! And they liked me!
Aww, congrats, Soph. That’s great.
Sophie danced sassily in her own kind of celebration and stopped as soon as Nathan glanced at her. He laughed as she stood looking guilty, having been caught in the midst of her goofy dance.
So, what’ s going on with you and Ezra then? Shouldn’t his girlfriend know what’s going on in his life?
Well, it’s kind of a long story.
That’s fine. We have plenty of time to talk about it, roomie.
She winked at me before something caught her eye behind me. With a saucy wiggle of her eyebrows, Sophie nodded for me to look.
When I turned around, I saw Ezra standing in a group of students I didn’t recognize with Mason in their midst. They seemed deep in conversation, their focus broken when Mason noticed me. He waved and smiled before shaking Ezra’s hand and walking away.
What are you waiting on, Char? Go get him.
I felt Sophie’s hand push me toward him as he stepped away from the group of students. Ezra’s eyes met mine as we stood several feet apart. He looked happy. His hair had been cut again, taming his waves, and his eyes popped with the blue color of his shirt. It was hard to read his mood as we stepped closer to one another in greeting.
The Walls We Built Page 19