“I know I can’t control everything.” Anger edged his voice.
Spent, she couldn’t afford to invest any more emotion in this relationship. It hurt already so much to think she wouldn’t see him again. But what would happen if they continued and these problems couldn’t be resolved? “Besides my job, you and I don’t see eye to eye on having a family.”
“And there are our religious beliefs.”
“Yes,” she murmured, even though she wasn’t sure that was as much an issue as before. “So I think we should go to the wedding tomorrow separately.”
“Cut our losses?” The steel thread continued to run through his words.
“Yes.”
“I agree.” He strode toward the steps.
For a few seconds Becca wanted to go after him and beg him to try and work out their differences. All couples had them. But then she remembered her own fear when Quinn was Escalante’s target and realized she was as guilty as Quinn for worrying about losing a loved one. Her father’s death had thrown her life into turmoil and was still, after all these years, ruling how she approached relationships. Stunned by that realization, she watched Quinn pull out of her driveway and drive away from her for the last time.
The heaviness in her chest seemed to explode outward, causing her to grasp the column next to the steps to steady herself. The ache in her shoulder from the sudden movement only reinforced her conviction that if she felt this bad now, she could imagine how awful it would be after investing more time in their relationship.
Yep, much better to cut her losses now rather than later, she thought, shoving herself away from the column and heading to her front door.
Quinn drove a block away from Becca’s without really seeing the street before him. Pulling over to the curb, he turned off his truck before he had an accident. Gripping the steering wheel, he stared out the windshield, again not really seeing what was before him. All he could focus on was the terrible ache in his chest that was spreading.
You might talk to someone about your guilt over Maggie’s death.
Becca’s words haunted him. He hadn’t told another soul about what had happened right before Maggie’s death. Why Becca? Why now?
Lord, I’m lost. What do I do?
Talk to someone. The advice lingered in his thoughts. The impulse to turn his truck around and go back to Becca’s and talk to her about it made his hands tremble. He grasped the steering wheel even tighter.
No, he couldn’t. She had ended it with him.
Then who?
A name came to mind, and Quinn quickly started the engine. Twenty minutes later he rode the elevator up to his younger brother’s high-rise apartment, praying he was home from the rehearsal dinner. Brendan, Chloe and her children had left earlier than he and Becca. When Quinn rang the bell, he breathed a sigh of relief when he immediately heard the door being unlocked.
Surprise flitted across Brendan’s features. “What brings you here so late?” He studied Quinn’s face. “What’s wrong? Mom? Dad?”
Pushing past his brother, Quinn entered and made his way to a brown leather couch, collapsing onto it. “Mom and Dad are fine. It’s over between Becca and me.”
Brendan’s green gaze honed in on Quinn. “What happened?”
“Ever since she was shot, I’ve been pulling back from her. I tried not to, but all I could think about was Maggie dying on the job and then Becca coming so close to doing the same. An inch or two lower and she would have died.”
“But she didn’t.”
Quinn plunged both hands through his hair. “What about next time? This past week I haven’t been able to sleep, thinking about all the possibilities.”
“What about them? Do you worry about me every time I go on the job?”
Quinn shook his head. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Are you using what happened to Maggie to keep a woman at arm’s length?” Brendan sat in a chair, leaning forward. “Are you afraid to put your heart on the line again?”
Quinn surged to his feet, his arms stiff at his sides. “I want to get married. I want a family.”
“Whoa, there.” Brendan held up his palms. “You’re saying one thing and meaning something else.” He came to his feet and met Quinn’s gaze. “Death is part of life. We don’t get to choose when it happens. All we can do is live the best life possible with the time given us. If you keep throwing roadblocks up between you and a woman, you won’t get married and have that family you want so much.”
“But—”
“I know you love me and care what happens to me, so ask yourself why you don’t spend sleepless nights fretting about my hide and yet you do worry about Becca. You haven’t known her a long time. So what makes her so special?”
I care—too much, Quinn thought, striding toward the door.
“Quinn?”
He glanced back at Brendan. “Yeah?”
“When did you stop putting your trust in the Lord?”
ELEVEN
“Becca, you ask some good questions. There’s nothing wrong with questioning the Lord. But in your questioning, you need to search for answers, too. Our faith grows that way.” Pastor Gabriel sat in a chair across from Becca in his office at the church.
“I’ve lost touch with the Bible. Do you have any Bible study classes?”
“We’re actually starting a new one in a few weeks. You’re welcome to join it. We’ll be examining the four Gospels. It’ll meet on Sunday afternoons.”
She uncrossed her legs and rose. “That sounds perfect. I don’t usually work on Sundays, so I should be able to make most of the classes.”
Pastor Gabriel came to his feet. “I’m glad you’ve decided to join us. I’m here to answer any of your questions.”
“I appreciate it.” Becca shook his hand, then left his office.
Out in the hall she paused, splaying her palm over her heart. She felt lighter, freer. This felt so right, as though she had come home when she had entered the church this morning and met with Pastor Gabriel. She’d been up most the night wavering between her intense, painful emotions tied up with Quinn and this budding excitement that she had returned to the fold and only good things were in store for her spiritually.
Lord, I need help with the rest of my life.
Now if she could just forget Quinn and get the rest of her life in order. She realized she was committing herself to seeing him every week at church, but Pastor Gabriel was an inspiration. She would have to make sure to attend the service Quinn didn’t, at least until her emotions were locked away so tightly that the sight of him wouldn’t affect her. Right? When would that be?
A year? Ten?
The hardest thing she’d done was tell him she couldn’t see him anymore. She didn’t see how it would work between them. If he couldn’t accept her for who she was, then it wasn’t going to work.
A commotion in the foyer drew her attention. She walked down the corridor and spied Jessica with Amy and Isabella. “What are you all doing here?”
Jessica whirled around, surprise widening her eyes. “I could ask you the same question. Staking out your seat for the wedding early?”
“Ha! No, I was even considering not coming.”
“Becca, you hafta come.” Amy padded over to her, staring up at her. “Please. I want you to see me. I’ve got a new dress.”
Becca knelt in front of the little girl. “You’re going to be the prettiest flower girl there is.”
“I can be yours. I’ll know what to do. Mommy and me are gonna practice now so—” Amy glanced back at Jessica “—so I don’t make a mistake.”
“You’ll be great. If I ever get married, you can be my flower girl,” Becca said around the lump that lodged in her throat. The chances of that happening anytime in the near future were slim to none.
“Will you come? You can sit with us.” Amy tapped the toe of her black patent-leather shoe on the tile floor. “I’m breakin’ these.”
Becca chuckled and straightened. “I’ll be he
re for your big debut.”
Amy scrunched up her brow. “De—boo?”
“Grand entrance.”
The child’s expression brightened.
“I think that’s a great suggestion, Amy. Becca, why don’t you come with us? With all that’s happening I could use an extra pair of hands, especially with Sam and Amy participating in the wedding party.”
“Aren’t you going to leave the twins in the nursery during the ceremony?”
“Yes, but that’s only for an hour or so.”
“I think I’ve just been conned into babysitting.”
Jessica tsked. “Now, what are good friends for? To help out in emergencies.”
“And this is an emergency? You’ll have tons of family around to help.”
“I know, but you’re like family to Sam and me.”
“You don’t have to say another word. I’d love to help you with your children. You know I adore them.”
“You should have some of your own.”
“Jessica, don’t go there,” Becca said with a mock warning because this was a subject that Jessica had brought up on more than one occasion, especially after she’d had the twins. She thought everyone should be a mother.
“Will you do me another favor?” Jessica jiggled Isabella from one arm to the other. “Will you hold her while I walk Amy through what she’s going to do?”
“Sure. Where’s Dario?”
“He’s at home with Sam.”
Jessica passed the baby to Becca, then took her eldest daughter’s hand and led her into the sanctuary. Becca followed behind the pair, rocking Isabella up and down in her arms. Isabella laughed and fingered Becca’s face. Her distinctive baby-powder scent prodded memories of holding her siblings when they were little. She could remember cradling Caitlin to her and telling her she would protect her forever, that she would always love her. That overpowering feeling of completeness engulfed her again while holding Isabella. It stunned her and left her shaken.
She’d held babies before, but never with this sensation that, like walking into the church, she had come home. If Jessica hadn’t been busy parading Amy down the center aisle, she would have thrust the baby back into her mother’s arms and fled. Had Quinn done this to her? Had he sparked a latent desire to be a mother? She’d been one—well, a surrogate one for her sister and brother. She didn’t want her own kids. Did she?
Yes, she’d relished raising her siblings. The school functions, the ball games, the homework, the weekend camping trips, the picnics in the mountains. They had shown her the positive side to life when often all she saw as a police officer was the negative.
Could she be a mother—carrying her own baby inside her for nine months and giving birth? She shook the question from her mind and centered her full attention on what Jessica and Amy were doing. The second she gave Isabella back, the feeling would be gone and she would be back on track—finishing her degree, working, building her life without children. If she needed a baby fix, she could always turn to one of her friends and hold theirs.
“Thanks, Becca.” Jessica in front of her with her arms open.
Becca blinked and quickly relinquished Isabella to her mother. But when her arms were empty, she felt empty. She pushed the feeling down. Breaking up with Quinn was causing her to be extra emotional. Once she was back in her regular routine everything would return to normal.
Becca moved away. “I need to leave if I’m going to be back here in time for the wedding.” She glanced around the church already set up with beautiful orchids.
Had she lost her chance at something like this? She was afraid that after knowing Quinn, no one would live up to him. Tears threatened. She spun on her heel and fled the sanctuary before Jessica asked her why her eyes glistened.
Becca carried Isabella while Jessica held Dario, both of them making their way toward the nursery. Sam had Amy in tow. At least, sort of, Becca thought with a smile. The little girl danced around in her pale-pink dress with glitter and stars in her hair.
Near the door to the nursery a woman with straight black hair and large dark-brown eyes greeted the children as they came in. She offered Jessica and Becca a smile and took Dario from Jessica.
“He’s adorable. I’m Mercedes Cortez and your children will be in good hands. Don’t worry.” She placed Jessica’s son on the floor in front of a big stuffed bear he immediately grabbed.
“That’s Dario and this is his twin sister, Isabella,” Jessica said while Becca settled Isabella next to her brother. “I want to thank you for doing this.”
“I owe Michael Vance for being so good to my parents. He’s the best employer. Besides, I love kids. And my assistant is Donita at school.”
Becca stepped away from Jessica and Mercedes and surveyed the children already in the large nursery. Manuel walked around carrying a truck. Elijah Dawson, the reverend’s son, held a bottle filled with juice. Sofia Vance, Sam’s niece, slept in the crib and Sean Montgomery, Adam’s son, sat in a high chair eating pieces of a banana. Another couple Becca recognized as Dr. Robert Fletcher and his wife, Pamela, brought in their toddler.
The nursery would be full before too long. Seeing all the children surrounding her made her arms ache. Becca had the sudden urge to scoop Isabella back up into her embrace and hug her to her chest, never letting the baby go. She didn’t understand it, but she couldn’t shake the empty feeling boring into her as she walked away from the room with Jessica.
Boy, did she need to get back to work. She’d been off for ten days and the inactivity had driven her crazy. That could be the only explanation, she decided as she emerged into the large church foyer where people were waiting to sign the guest book. Susan Dawson and Emily Vance manned the table where the book was, welcoming the guests as they penned their names.
Jessica and Becca fell into line. Soft organ music drifted from the sanctuary. Love songs, Becca noted wistfully. Out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of Quinn approaching his mother. With him dressed in a tuxedo again, his appearance brought to mind the scene on the porch the night before. He said something to Fiona, started to turn away, paused and twisted around to stare at her across the foyer.
The sensation of time coming to a standstill inundated her and the rest of the people faded from her consciousness. All she saw was Quinn, appearing incredibly handsome with a pinched look about his mouth and a tiredness in his gaze. From lack of sleep—like her? When she’d told him it was probably for the best that they didn’t see each other, he hadn’t protested. He had accepted what she had said and left her to ache silently at her loss.
His mother saying something to Quinn jerked his attention away. Becca used that moment to murmur to Jessica, “I’m going on in and getting us a seat. I’ll sign the book later.”
“Get a seat close to the front. I need to be near if Amy needs me.”
Becca had almost made it to the doors into the sanctuary when a hand on her shoulder stopped her. She didn’t need to see who it belonged to. She knew Quinn’s touch. She wasn’t sure she would ever forget it.
“You look beautiful, Becca.”
His soft words washed over her in waves of yearning. His familiar aftershave swamped her, robbing her of any response.
“We may not be dating anymore, but can’t we at least be friends?”
No! She knew she couldn’t take being around him and not want to be with him.
“I mean…”
She glanced back at the troubled expression on his face. Her heart lurched.
“I don’t know what I mean. I guess it’s silly to think we can be friends. Although you and Sam dated and you’re still good friends.” He rubbed his hand along the back of his neck. “Forget I said anything.”
It had been different with Sam. She hadn’t fallen in love with him as she had with Quinn. That realization heightened the pain.
“I see you’re with Jessica.”
“Yes,” she said, finally finding her voice through the ache that encompassed her. “She needed
help with the twins since Sam’s with the wedding party.”
Any previous awkwardness melted as he said, “I saw you walking in with Isabella. You’re a natural.”
Don’t remind me! Her maternal instincts were leaking out of the box she’d locked them in. “I’ve had practice.” She needed to end their conversation before she threw herself into his embrace and didn’t care that they disagreed on some major issues. “I’d better get inside. The wedding is going to start soon.”
Quinn peered at his watch, one corner of his mouth hitching up. “Yeah, in another twenty minutes.”
“Jessica wants a good spot up front.”
“There’s a section roped off for the families.”
Okay, I need to escape you. Is that what you want to hear? “See you at the reception,” she said in parting, realizing she’d have to make a point to stay away from him afterward.
Her composure was too fragile right now to subject herself to a constant dose of Quinn Montgomery. Maybe in a year…or ten. Becca hurried inside the sanctuary, almost flying by the ushers.
Brendan stepped in front to stop her flight. “May I show you to a seat?” he asked, a smug smile on his face as though he had witnessed her talking with his brother and knew something she didn’t. “Bride’s or groom’s side?”
“How about both? Okay, I guess I have to make a decision. Groom’s side. Jessica and I are sitting together.” At that moment she was so tired of making decisions, of being the strong one.
As she walked down the aisle with her arm through Brendan’s, she thought back to the past week when Quinn would do something for her because she was recuperating. Every evening he’d had something for her to eat. He didn’t join her, but the food was always there so she didn’t have to worry about fixing something in her kitchen that wasn’t quite put together or having to go out. It had been nice to have someone looking after her even if it was from afar.
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