“It was just for fun—it was pretend.” I shook my head back and forth. “I don’t need that to be happy.”
“There’s something funny about human beings. It’s easy to believe that the next step is the only one you need. Ask a man who sitting on the street corner next to a cardboard box what he needs and he’ll probably tell you he just wants food—or maybe booze. Give him that and his needs will change. He’ll want a warm jacket or maybe a soft place to sleep. Once the needs are met, the wants start to gnaw at you.” Angelina nodded. “That’s when happy people do awful things. They cheat on their spouses, steal a little money from their employer because it’s just a drop in the bucket, or even chase those dark fantasies they swore they would never act on.”
“You must not know as much about me as you think if you believe I would ever do something like that.” My sickness started to settle once the alcohol gave me a little liquid courage.
“You’re right. You wouldn’t—not right now. Your needs are still unfulfilled. You need love. Once that need is fulfilled, your wants will come back. You’ll ask Nate to give you a few smacks on your ass when you’re having sex. You’ll try to figure out how to get him to spank you because you’ve played out the fantasy in your head. It’ll gnaw at you. You might even be content with ignoring the fantasy forever, just because you’re in love, but it’ll never go away.” She shrugged and shook her head. “I’m offering you a way to have the best of both worlds—love and fantasy—at the same time.”
“That wouldn’t be fair to Nate. He came all this way because he wanted to pursue me.” I drained what was left of my vodka. “No, I couldn’t do that to him.”
“You’d rather build a life on a lie, instead?” She quickly shook her head. “That isn’t fair to him either.”
“I need some time to think.” I stood and stared at her for a moment. “You’re the devil, you know that, right?”
“I’m just trying to help you. Take the time you need and come back to me once you figure that out.” Angelina stood and motioned towards the door.
My head was pounding when I left Angelina’s suite. The chaos in my head had turned into a dull ache that tried to stab me from the inside out. My relationship with Nate was never going to have a chance to get off the ground. It was squashed before we even had a chance to figure out if it could become more than one night of bliss. I walked into Angelina’s suite ready to fight for it, but after I left, I felt nothing but defeat. I wished I had never gotten on that website or exposed those secrets. It seemed safe at the time, but Angelina really meant it when she said she left no stone unturned. I felt the dull ache getting stronger when I got to my car. I slammed the door shut and tears began to stream down my face.
“Harmony?” I heard a voice and when I turned my head, I saw Nate peering through the passenger window.
“Nate? Oh my god!” I quickly wiped away my tears as he opened the door. “What are you doing here?”
“Waiting for you.” He sat down and looked over at me. “Angelina did a number on you, huh?”
“Is it that obvious?” I exhaled sharply. “She’s the freaking devil in a designer dress.”
“I thought that once too.” He nodded and smiled. “She tears you open and digs until she finds something to latch onto—things you never wanted the world to see.”
“Let’s run away.” I looked over at him. “Let’s leave Bakersfield right now and never look back. Just you and me.”
“There’s a part of me that wants that, I really do.” He leaned forward to kiss me on the forehead. “It took Angelina months to break open my shell. Even when I told her about you, she still wasn’t convinced that you were anything more than a moment from the past that could never be reclaimed.”
“What did it take to break your shell?” I blinked a couple of times and stared at him.
“Honesty—honesty with myself.” He shrugged and sighed. “Even now, I find myself trying to retreat back into it. That man wouldn’t let you crank up this car and drive away. He would take the wheel and drive you himself.”
“Do it.” I leaned back from the steering wheel.
“That’s the same man who was once a stupid boy. The one that ran from Bakersfield when he saw how happy you were because you had a date with Jimmy Adams. That isn’t who I am anymore. Angelina told me that our road to each other is not a straight line. It’s a forked path and the only way we can ever get to the end of it, is if you walk every road.” He reached over and took my hand. “If you truly believe that there is a future for us, you have to trust Angelina like I do. Even if it scares you.”
“It scares me a lot…” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes again. “I don’t think it would be very fair to you if I did what she has suggested.”
“Don’t worry about what I want. Focus on yourself. That’s what I had to do to see the path that I was meant to take. Bakersfield was always my destination because the ghosts from my past haunted me. It wasn’t just you I was running from all those years ago.” Nate squeezed my hand. “Dry your eyes and walk into the abyss. I’ll be waiting on the other side with my arms wide open when you’re ready.”
Nate gave me a hug and then he was gone. I waited until I saw his motorcycle drive away. He must have known the conversation with Angelina wouldn’t go well. He had to know she would reveal something that shook me to the core. I started to understand more about the unique relationship he had with her. She didn’t just bring him back to Bakersfield. She guided him there for a specific purpose. It wasn’t just about me or our perfect ending. Perhaps we would get it when the smoke cleared, but before that happened, I had to tear apart the shell that hid my dark desires from the world. I got out of my car and slowly walked back to Angelina’s suite.
“What’s his name?” I stared at Angelina when she opened the door. “The man behind the screen.”
“His name is Devlin, and he’s very eager to meet you.” She smiled and pulled the door open.
8
Devlin
Four years ago
“I can’t do this.” The woman on her knees in front of me shook her head back and forth. “This isn’t what I wanted—I’m sorry.”
“You wanted to be punished.” I draped the leather whip across her shoulder and let it linger there for a moment. “You said you needed it.”
“I thought I did.” She stood and pulled at the cuffs. “Please let me go—green!”
“Of course.” I recognized her safeword and immediately removed the leather cuffs from her wrists. “I’m sorry this wasn’t what you were looking for.”
“I’m sorry I wasted your time.” She grabbed her dress and started putting it back on.
I poured some Scotch into a glass and lit a cigarette once she was gone. She wasn’t the first so-called submissive to get cold feet when she walked into my playroom. It seemed to be getting more frequent as the culture that was once talked about in whispers started making headline news. Every bored housewife and lonely woman that bought a naughty book suddenly found themselves fantasizing about a strong dominant man. They let the fantasy bring them to my door, but once they realized it was more than just a sexual thrill they could masturbate to, they wanted out. I understood, but it didn’t make the ordeal any less frustrating for me. The older Doms I talked to online told stories about a simpler time when the only submissive women that sought them out understood what they wanted ahead of time.
It’s just my luck that I came to terms with my dominant side around the time that Fifty Shades became popular. I’m surrounded by a generation of women too weak to submit.
My twenties were wasted chasing a concept I didn’t quite understand. I hadn’t yet come to terms with my nature. I liked rough sex. I thought that was what gave me my thrill. I found myself attracted to damaged girls with lots of baggage because they were the ones that liked to be treated like a piece of meat in the bedroom. I never pursued any sort of long term relationship because I didn’t want to repair them. They were beautiful the wa
y they were.
It wasn’t until I met a woman into pain on a whole different level that I fully embraced the inner Dom begging to be unleashed. She wasn’t looking for anything real. I became her escape valve when she needed a release and over the course of our time together, I learned a lot about myself as well. She pushed for pain and torment that went further than what I enjoyed. It was the first time I saw my own limitations and began to understand what I truly craved.
Two years ago
MasterDom4u: Hello pet, it is good to see you again.
SubmissiveCindy21: Hello Master. I’m glad you’re online.
MasterDom4u: Why? Is something troubling you?
SubmissiveCindy21: Yes sir.
MasterDom4u: Tell me what it is, Cindy. You know you can be honest with me. In fact, I demand it.
I doubted her name was really Cindy. Most of the submissive girls I met online used fake names. Whatever her name was, she seemed to be exactly what I was looking for in a submissive. She was pure, innocent, and still trying to figure out her place in the world. She didn’t want to be submissive because she read about it in a book. It was something innate that she didn’t entirely understand. We had spent nearly a year talking about it, and over that time, I had grown fond of her. She never asked for fidelity, nor did she expect it, but she was the only person I talked to online. I hoped that she would one day consider meeting me in real life just so we could explore her hidden fantasies together.
MasterDom4u: Answer me. You know I don’t like to be kept waiting.
SubmissiveCindy21: I’m sorry, sir. I just had a rough day and I needed someone to talk to.
MasterDom4u: What made it so bad?
SubmissiveCindy21: I had a date. It didn’t go well.
MasterDom4u: A date? I didn’t realize you were seeing anyone.
SubmissiveCindy21: I’m not. I met someone a couple of days ago and he asked me out. I thought he was nice, but…
MasterDom4u: Did he hurt you!?
SubmissiveCindy21: No, not really. He just didn’t seem very interested after he got to know me a little better.
MasterDom4u: I see. Why do you think that is?
SubmissiveCindy21: I don’t know. It’s the story of my life. Everyone gets tired of me except you.
MasterDom4u: Because I care about you. I have to know that you’re safe.
SubmissiveCindy21: I’m safe. It’s hard not to be when everyone ignores you.
MasterDom4u: I never ignore you.
SubmissiveCindy21: I mean—people I know.
MasterDom4u: You don’t know me?
SubmissiveCindy21: Not as much as I would like to.
MasterDom4u: Do you want to change that?
SubmissiveCindy21: Maybe…
It was always a maybe with her. I had never even seen her face. The only picture she had ever given me was a silhouette view that barely showed the outline of her beautiful curves. I asked for more, but she was too shy. I could have demanded it and even utilized my position as her online Dom to persuade her, but I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. Keeping her comfortable was integral to our ongoing arrangement. She had to mature at her own pace, and I had learned to be patient. My days of dealing with pretend-submissive women had soured my perspective. Cindy, or whatever her name was, seemed like the perfect submissive for me to teach and train. I kept hoping that the next day would be the one that finally helped her move past her fears and trust me enough to give it serious consideration.
One year ago
MasterDom4u: Hello? It’s been a couple of days since you’ve been online. Are you still there?
MasterDom4u: Cindy? It’s been a week. Did you set yourself to invisible or are you ignoring me?
MasterDom4u: If I did something wrong, I apologize. It’s been a month since you’ve been online. I hope you found the happiness you deserve. Goodbye.
Cindy disappeared from my life as quickly as she appeared. She had mentioned graduating from college, and I assumed that time had already passed. Her life had moved on and it seemed that whatever we had was entirely one-sided. I mourned her loss for a while, wondering what happened to her, hoping that she was okay. I even searched news articles, looking for someone her age with the name Cindy. After a month of not hearing from her, I decided that chapter of my life was over. I moved on. I found other girls online to entertain me, roleplayed with a few of them, and met a few that proved to be less interesting than they promised. None of them scratched the itch like Cindy did. None of them had her curiosity.
Present day
SubmissiveCindy21: Hello?
MasterDom4u: Cindy? Oh my god! You’re alive!
SubmissiveCindy21: Sorry, this isn’t the girl you were talking to. I’m a friend. My name is Angelina.
Is this some kind of joke?
MasterDom4u: Oh. Is Cindy okay?
SubmissiveCindy21: She’s fine. Her name isn’t Cindy, by the way. It’s Harmony.
MasterDom4u: I see. I suspected as much.
SubmissiveCindy21: Would you like to meet her?
MasterDom4u: Seriously?
SubmissiveCindy21: Yes. Give me your phone number and I’ll send you the information. She really needs to meet you in real life, Devlin.
She knows my name?
Cindy—or Harmony, it seemed—never asked for my name. I gave her permission to call me Master or Sir. She preferred the latter. I prided myself as being a man that didn’t really feel apprehension or fear. I felt both when I got a text message with a flight confirmation that contained all of my personal information. I couldn’t help but question if it was some elaborate prank or if I was being catfished. I didn’t make my final decision until the very last minute. I quickly packed a suitcase with clothes and a few essentials before rushing to the airport. If I had a chance to meet Harmony in real life, then I wasn’t going to pass it up.
“Hello, you must be Devlin.” A blonde woman walked up to me when I stepped out of the airport.
“Are you—no, you’re not Harmony.” I narrowed my eyes and stared at her.
“No, I’m Angelina. I’m the one that talked to you. Come, I have a car waiting. I’ll explain everything on the ride to Bakersfield.” She motioned to her left.
“Okay.” I nodded and followed her to the car.
Once we were inside the car, Angelina started explaining things to me. She told me about Harmony, who she really was, and the life she lived in secret—the only part of her life I really knew. She was just as young and inexperienced as she said she was, but the situation was more complicated than I realized. Angelina believed that I was one of Harmony’s many roads—paths that she had to travel before she could fully realize who she was. I wasn’t sure that I bought into her logic, but I was eager to meet Harmony. If nothing else, I wanted her to explain why she disappeared on me like she had.
I don’t think any explanation will be enough to save you from the punishment you deserve. You abandoned me. You made me worry. There will be consequences…
9
Harmony
I gave in. I gave in to Angelina’s plan and in turn, gave in to the desires that had been haunting me for a very long time. I never thought I would come face to face with them. They were supposed to stay in the virtual world where I could turn them off every night when I was done with my fantasy. Those desires were never supposed to manifest in the real world. I roleplayed with a number of online Doms before I found Devlin. I never knew the man behind the screen, but he was always there for me. I assumed he was roleplaying with a number of other girls just like me. We never discussed exclusivity or the concept of a relationship that transcended our virtual playground.
He wasn’t like the other Doms. They got upset when I refused to share pictures of my naked body, talk with them on the phone, or agree to meet in real life.
Devlin was content with my secrecy. He asked for more, just like the rest of them did, but he didn’t try to force the issue. That made me feel safer with him. I started to rely on him when I
was in college. Even if I wasn’t ready for a session, he still talked to me. I felt guilty for disappearing the way I did, but I never considered that he actually cared about me. I thought about him from time to time, but I wasn’t brave enough to engage in those kinds of discussions with my parents downstairs watching television. When that excuse wasn’t strong enough, I had work to distract me, and then my sister’s wedding on the horizon. I might not have been a bridesmaid, but I still helped my parents with their portion of the planning.
I can’t run from those desires anymore. If I want to have a future with Nate, I have to follow the outline Angelina has created.
I stared at the elevator buttons once I was inside. After a brief period of hesitation, I pushed the key card Angelina had given me into the slot and hit the button that would take me to the penthouse. Devlin was waiting for me. I knew what he looked like. I might not have shared a picture of my face with him, but he was a lot more open with me. He was definitely an attractive man, so much so that it intimidated me at times. The fear of rejection carried over, even into my virtual world. Angelina promised that she had vetted Devlin completely and was certain I would be safe with him. Her version of safe was likely more painful than mine, but I had earned anything Devlin had in store for me.
“Hello?” I stepped into the penthouse suite and tried to swallow a lump that rose up in my throat.
Chasing her Curves Page 5