Her eyes and soul took in the words of comfort.
She looked down at her stomach and saw a bump moving beneath her skin. An elbow? A foot. She pushed it down and the child pressed back.
When she first found out she was pregnant she wanted to flush this child from her system. She was angry with God for visiting this on her. This child was a result of an invasion, an attack, and she knew she could never look at it without thinking of Dustin and that horrible night. But she couldn't do it. So she decided to carry this child to term.
Make plans to give this baby up for adoption.
And once it was gone, maybe then she could forget.
Chapter 8
Lucas hoped Summer would come out for an early morning walk the same time as last time. He had adjusted his run so he might see her. Despite her reaction yesterday, he wanted to build on the connection they shared.
Last night felt like a revelation. When he kissed Summer and held her close, she hadn’t turned him away initially. He knew something was building between them, and even though his future was like a haze, he was willing to deal with the here and now and see where things would go.
Misty trotted along beside him, her tongue hanging out, a happy companion.
“You're worn out too?” Lucas asked, slowing down. Snow blanketed the road, but he still had enough traction to run. Though he couldn’t run as fast as he usually did in this cold, he still worked up a decent sweat. And the cold air was refreshing compared to the relentless heat he’d endured the past few years.
Misty’s ears suddenly perked up, and she ran ahead of him, barking. Right on time he saw Summer walking around the trees at the end of the driveway.
She wore a fuzzy toque and chunky mittens. But her padded coat was unbuttoned from the top of her stomach down. Which made him wonder if the baby got cold, or if she did. Or both. He would have liked to ask, but Summer didn’t seem to want to talk about her pregnancy.
“Hey there,” he said waving to her as he came close. “Out for a walk again?” As if he didn’t know.
She gave him a careful look then glanced away. He thought of what she had said last night, about not being able to keep the baby. He wanted to ask her more questions, but after kissing her yesterday, he felt like he had to take things slow. If he truly wanted to see where this was going, he had to follow her lead.
“I imagine Glenda is sleeping?” he said, taking another stab at conversation.
Summer nodded.
“And how did you sleep?” he pressed.
She gave him a wry smile. “You seem rather interested in such a mundane activity.”
“Not so mundane for me,” he said with a shrug. “And I suppose for you either. I imagine being as far along as you are in your pregnancy makes getting a good night's rest difficult.”
Her almost physical withdrawal made him question his strategy of being straightforward.
After what she tossed out at him last night, he wondered if he could ignore the bump in her belly, ignore the fact that she was pregnant with a baby she was determined to give up, or if he should simply act normal about it.
He chose normal mostly because with his own injury he felt more comfortable with people who flat-out asked what happened as opposed to people who would look at it and then away, as if repulsed or disturbed by what they saw.
“It is awkward,” she said finally, her voice quiet, reserved. She hunched her shoulders against another burst of wind that swirled the freshly fallen snow around them. “And what about you? While we’re on this scintillating topic, how did you sleep?”
“The usual. Like a baby. Up for an hour, asleep for an hour.” As soon as the words popped out, he wished he could take them back, but she was chuckling at his comment, so maybe he was being overly sensitive.
“Is it because of your experiences overseas?” she asked, looking sidelong at him, her expression curious.
“Yeah. For sure. You don’t sleep real well, because you’re always on alert. I drank so many caffeinated drinks to stay awake at night. Popped so many caffeine pills just to keep my eyes from drifting shut, my body doesn’t know how to sleep normally anymore.”
They walked in silence, Misty trotting ahead of them, her tail wagging, tongue out. It was a strangely domestic moment. The kind of moment he used to dream about when he and Summer were dating.
But would it have happened as often as he thought if they had gotten married and he had stayed in the military? How often would he have been home to do this?
He thought back to the times his own father was deployed and Glenda would come and stay with them. Family times were few and far between and, at times, fraught with a kind of restless tension he now understood because of his own experiences making the shift from battlefield to home.
“Do you have bad dreams?” Again, she spoke quietly, as if trying to find her way through this conversation.
“Sometimes, but not as much as before. Being back here helps.”
“Are you happy to be here?”
He tried not to read anything more into her question than mere curiosity. But he still wanted to address it.
“Yeah. I think I am.”
“It probably helps that you’ve made some measure of peace with your grandmother.”
“That’s a very diplomatic way to say we’ve made a few awkward steps in the right direction.”
“I’m glad for both of you. I know she expressed so many regrets to me as I’ve worked with her.”
Lucas let her comment settle. Despite reconciling with his grandmother, he still struggled with a sorrow that he hadn’t been a priority to her.
“You seem hesitant yet,” she continued, picking up on his reticence.
He waited a beat, searching for the right words. “Unfortunately, I’ve struggled for so many years with bitterness and anger toward her. That doesn’t go away in one conversation.”
“Do you think it will over time?”
Did he imagine the faint note of sorrow in her voice? He glanced at her, but she was watching Misty, who was now diving into the snow, oblivious to the cold.
“I keep hearing how time is the best healer of wounds, and I guess I’ll have to count on that happening. That and God’s grace.”
She nodded her acknowledgement of his comment.
“Do you really think time can heal all wounds?” she pressed.
Again, he sensed a subtext to her question and wasn’t sure where she was going. Was she talking about their relationship, or something else?
“I think so. I think time gives perspective to some of the painful things we deal with. Sometimes the good things in our lives—the joys God gives us—can ease away that pain, replace the sorrow. I still struggle with her leaving me, not giving me a chance. It's hard to know that she could only think of herself and her pain, but I understand better why she did what she did. So it helps to know the whole story. It helps to know that she didn’t make that decision easily. It’s just new information for me, so I believe it will take time before I can meld my past emotions with my present knowledge. I know, with God’s strength, that I can find my way to truly caring for her and truly understanding her.”
“That’s comforting to know. I hope that can happen.”
He was growing more curious by the moment and, he had to admit, a bit concerned at the direction of her comments.
He stopped, laying his hand on her shoulder, turning her toward him. “Summer, I feel like while we’re talking about Glenda there’s something else going on.”
She looked down at her mittened hands, folded together. “I guess… I just…” her voice faltered. “I need to know that I can…that you can…move on after…”
He tucked his finger under her chin, needing to make eye contact, look into her eyes to see if he could discover the unspoken words, because what she was saying right now frightened him.
Was she trying to tell him it would be as difficult for her to forgive him as it had been for him to forgive his grandmother?
The thought was like a sharp twist of a knife in his soul.
“Are you talking about you and me?” he pressed, forcing himself to remain calm, to keep his voice even and measured. “Are you wondering if you can forgive me for not understanding what you went through when your brother died? Because if that’s the case, I hope you can. I pray you can.”
Despite talking about it, despite the fact that she said she had forgiven him, he also knew, based on his own experience with his grandmother, that forgiveness didn’t erase all the pain.
Though he hoped their situation would be different.
She blinked quickly as a lone tear slid down her face. Then she gave a tight nod, easing out a deep breath. “I know I can,” she whispered. “And, as much as it pains me to admit it, I know I was being selfish about trying to protect myself.”
"Please don’t say that."
Then, to his surprise she slipped her hand around his neck and pulled him close, her lips, at first, cool on his but then, as their kiss deepened, growing warmer and softer.
He held her as close as he could, his heart singing, his soul finding a measure of peace.
Finally she drew away, her lips curved in a gentle smile.
“I missed you,” he murmured, pulling off his glove, tangling his hand in her hair. “So much.” He kissed her again, his breath catching in his throat. He leaned in, raining kisses on her forehead, her cheek, drifting down to the warm intimacy of her neck.
She sighed, leaning into him, her arms wrapped around his waist.
He wanted time to stop, the world to halt its turning. To allow this uncomplicated moment to never end. He tucked her head under his chin, his hands drifting down her back.
“You’ve always been a part of my heart,” he whispered, the words torn from him. “A part of my soul.”
She said nothing to that, but clung to him, hard.
And for the first time in months, years, he felt a coming home. A settling in his soul.
* * *
Summer drew back, her eyes traveling over Lucas's face, reading his features, trying to see him through this new place they had come to. His scar reminded her of the experiences and changes he’d been through without her, but when they kissed, it was as if everything else became meaningless.
Did she dare believe things were growing between them? That they could go back to where they were?
Could she ever feel completely comfortable around him again? And, on top of that, could he forgive her if he found out everything about her and her baby? How she had truly felt about this child?
“What’s going on behind those beautiful eyes?” Lucas asked, a bemused smile on his face.
Summer realized with a gentle pang that she had never stopped loving him. Then she pulled her mittens off, tracing the scar on his face.
“Does it bother you?” he asked.
She noticed concern in his voice and wondered how self-conscious he was of it. The injury was unsightly, yes, but as she kept her attention on it, as she examined it, hoping he didn’t mind, she shook her head.
“No. It doesn’t bother me,” she said. “But I feel awful that you had to go through this. That this injury ended your dreams of being a soldier like your father.”
His eyes took on a faraway look, as if sorting through this change in his life. “I’ve had my struggles with it, that’s for sure. I’m still trying to figure out why it happened.” Then he shifted his focus back to her, a slow smile curving his lips. “But right now, I’m back here with you, so maybe it’s not so bad.”
His words both comforted and frightened her. She knew she should pull away, stop this slow movement back to their old relationship.
But the lonely part of her soul, the part that had yearned for him and missed him with an almost physical pain, wanted this again. Wanted this easy connection, this old familiar dance with someone who knew the steps.
Maybe, maybe once this baby was born—
She stopped herself from doing the one thing she had promised herself she wouldn’t do. Look too far ahead.
“Can I ask what life was like for you over there? Do you want to talk about it?” Summer tucked her arm into Lucas’s, trying to keep up to his steady pace. He stood tall, shoulders squared, chin up, his stride determined. But she could tell he slowed down for her, and she appreciated the kind gesture.
Lucas was quiet a moment, and Summer chanced another look up at him.
“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand,” she said. She didn’t want to push him beyond his comfort zone, yet she was curious. She wanted to fill in the missing gaps in their lives.
“No, I’m okay with that,” he said, but the hesitant tone in his voice seemed to contradict his comment. “It’s just hard to explain some of this to someone who hasn’t been there.”
“I’m willing to listen,” Summer said.
This was followed by another beat of silence.
“Parts of it were hard,” he said finally. “Parts of it were terrifying. But I felt a measure of satisfaction with what I was doing, a real sense of purpose being there. I think what I miss the most from that time is being with my buddies. You develop a close bond with each other that, again, you don’t understand until you’ve been through intense battles, situations where you depend completely on each other.”
Summer wanted to ask more questions, but wasn’t sure where to start. What she was allowed to ask, and how far she dared go. Because she had rejected, so to speak, his choice of career, she felt she had no right to press further.
Then Lucas smiled as he looked ahead, watching Misty running back and forth ahead of them, her tail swishing steadily.
“One of my buddies had a dog back home, and he used to tell us stories about it. I was always a little jealous, because when I was with my parents we moved around too much to have a dog, and when I moved onto the Tye ranch, for some reason or another they didn’t have one either.”
“And now you do,” Summer said.
“I suppose I do,” Lucas said. “But I guess that means I’ll have to be more particular about where I live after this.”
His words sent a shiver of apprehension trickling down her spine. “What you mean, after this?” she asked, even though she knew exactly what he meant.
More silence, and Summer wondered if she had pushed too far.
“I’m not sure,” Lucas said, glancing down at her. “I feel like right now my life is in limbo. Not sure where I’m going next, not sure what I should do now.”
Summer thought of the kisses they had exchanged, the closeness she had felt with him.
It was as if they both stood at a fork in the roads of their lives, both hesitating, not sure which direction to take. Both waiting for some direction, some clear call.
“So what would make you change your mind about staying or leaving?” Summer asked, trying to make her voice sound casual. Just two friends talking. She knew they had talked about this previously but that was before they had kissed. Before he had created a yearning in her soul for what they had before. Even though she knew they had moved well beyond the “friends” stage. Like it or not, they had made some temporary recommitment to each other.
“I wish I knew exactly,” Lucas said. “Part of the problem for me is that this place was never where we were supposed to end up. My father was still active in the military when he inherited this ranch from his father. So I never saw this as a permanent home. I never stayed long enough to become attached to it. They died only a year after we got here. And then… Then I moved to the Tye ranch, and the lawyer in charge of the estate rented this place out. So I’ve never seen this as a destination, more like a stopping-over place.”
His words made Summer wonder how he saw their moments together.
“So we’ve been talking about me, what about you?” Lucas asked, changing the conversation. “What have you been working at since…since I saw you last?”
Summer shrugged, her mind flicking back over the years. “Well as you
know, I got my nursing degree,” she said. “And I got a job at a hospital in Edmonton. I worked in neonatal intensive care for a while, which had its challenges, its joys, and its rewards as well as its sorrows. Then I moved to ER, which was busy and challenging as well.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
“I did. And I guess, like you being in the military overseas, it’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been working in the same field.”
He acknowledged her comment with a slow nod. “And what about the rest of your life? Do you ever connect with any of the old friends from Rockyview?”
“Most of them have moved away,” Summer said. She told him about a few of the friends she had stayed in contact with. Told him what they were doing, and the conversation shifted to easier topics.
But even as they chatted, she sensed his unspoken question.
Who is the father of this child, and why do you have to give it up?
She pushed that question to the back of her mind, trying to stay in the moment. She was walking arm in arm with a man she thought she had cut out of her life, a man she missed with a deep abiding pain, who she never thought she’d see again.
Right now she just wanted to enjoy this moment. To take this bit of joy and hold it close, knowing she might need the memory of it sometime in the near future.
Chapter 9
“And how are things settling out for you?” Elliot asked, shifting the straw bales on the wagon parked right outside the door of the barn. “You finding your balance here?”
“Yeah. Sort of,” Lucas said, moving some of the bales Elliot had already tossed into the barn. “Still trying to decide what to do.”
“What do you mean?” Elliot looked puzzled.
Too late Lucas realized his slip. He hadn’t told anyone other than Summer that he was only here temporarily. It had been so ingrained in his mind, he assumed everyone else knew by osmosis.
“My life has been kinda tossed around.” He tried for a casual tone. “Just trying to center myself, find a good place.”
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