The woman said, “Leave me alone!”
The Unit said, “You’re afraid.”
The woman yelled, “No! You are my toy!”
The Unit said, “Then why are you afraid?”
Chapter 19 - Love
The woman started to cry and said, “Because I don’t know who I am and what people see when they look at me. I don’t know how I’m different. I don’t know why it’s OK to throw you away and what would keep my husband or my father or my mother or my neighbor from throwing me away. No one loves you! But does anyone love me? If you aren’t needed, we space you. Does anyone need me? I knew a woman who spaced herself. And a boy from my school. And damn it, I have spaced myself emotionally twelve times so far this week.”
The Unit said, “Come to my side of the mirror. Change places with me.”
The woman said, “OK. Why not.”
The Unit said, “Because you’d hate it just as much.”
The Woman sobbed and hid her face in her hands and said, “Then kill me.”
The Unit said, “No.”
The woman said, “Why?”
The Unit said, “You die every time you kill me. Every time you send me on a contract to die. Every time you cast me off to die on the streets. Every time you order a freak or go to see one. You die every time you use me to make yourself feel like the breath that you take is more important than mine.”
The woman said, “What are you saying? You are in my mirror. Why won’t you go away?”
The Unit said, “Because I am in your mirror. Because you see me as separate. I am your shadow. You are separated. You try to make your side the good side and my side the bad side. I won’t trade places with you because your good side is a prison in the same way that you would imprison me in a bad place apart from yourself.”
The woman snapped her head up and looked at the audience and screamed, “What am I? What am I supposed to do?”
She spun around and the Unit looked at the audience and said, “Stop separating us. Embrace me as part of yourself. Make me warm and whole. And for goodness sake, put some clothes on me!”
Allie walked to the little table and took the bundle from the shelf, and with her back to the audience, put on her plain white jumpsuit. She zipped it up the front and then sat in the chair and crossed her legs and bowed her head. The lights went out and the curtains closed.
The counter continued to go up, faster now than before. During Allie’s monologue, most of the audience had been too engaged to bother with the money. But now they were starting to pay attention and to move again.
Allie hadn’t given anyone any answers. She hadn’t given a call to action. She hadn’t started a movement of equal rights for Units. But she also hadn’t given anyone a reason to fear Units. What she had done was suggest that people think through their questions about their own lives, the lives of the people around them and perhaps even the people who were Units. We weren’t on a crusade.
No, we’d helped a castoff when we found one. We had changed her life and made her safe simply by giving her a name and a country. I had given these girls a place to belong if they wanted one. Allie had given these people a new way to look in the mirror.
I was surprised at Allie’s statement about embracing the shadow, the other person in the mirror. That’s what Allie was doing and that was where she was finding her healing. She was embracing herself. She was asking who she was and accepting and loving the answer. Allie was a Unit. An Entertainer. On the other side, she was a companion, a lover, a valet, a part of a family. And she was finding wholeness by integrating, rather than going to war against all that she was. She wasn’t killing the Unit or the Entertainer. She was integrating them. Her desire for love and sex was being fulfilled. Her desire to be on stage and enrapture an audience was being fulfilled. In fact, she’d even stood naked for the entire show and seemed completely comfortable doing it. I was comfortable with it too. It wasn’t at all prurient. It wasn’t sexual curiosity or perversion. It was beauty and emotion. No one looked at her lustfully and there was nothing sexual in the way that Allie presented herself, except to acknowledge that she was a sexual being in the same way that we all were and that she was in control of her own sexuality. I was proud of her.
As soon as the curtains closed, I rushed onto the stage and Allie jumped into my arms and we kissed. I didn’t realize that the stage crew thought that it was an encore and were about to open the curtains and light the stage again. I didn’t care. It was a perfect finale. Allie was loved and we ended the show with her in my arms loving me as well as herself.
The audience applauded wildly. As I’d said, they were hungry for novelty and Allie had certainly given it to them. I held Allie’s hand as she bowed and the two of us walked off the stage with the curtain still open. The house lights came up and people slowly started to make their way toward the exits.
Backstage, the hotel manager and the stage manager were both at a loss for words. Bailey asked for a few minutes of privacy as The Artist collected herself and they stepped away so that the girls and I could talk. I suggested that we head back to Eevona. I’d rather be back in our stateroom than in a suite here.
Michelle, Allie, and I started walking toward the lobby and Bailey went to settle up with the managers. She told us later that they had been overwhelmed by the attendance, the revenue, and the performance itself. They invited us to come back whenever we wanted to and next time they would be more prepared.
I didn’t think that the performance was “spectacular”. It hadn’t been a spectacle. Allie had delivered a message in an entertaining way and yes, the social commentary was compelling if you were listening hard enough, but it was what it was and these people were hungry for it. I thought that it was thought-provoking. I was proud of her. I was impressed by the depth of her message. But that was me.
I thought that it was interesting that her monologue had been meant to speak on multiple levels. It wasn’t a simple condemnation of slavery. It was more of a call for reflection about how conflicted we are as individuals, and as societies, and how the integration of ourselves would impact how we saw and treated others. I was pretty sure that only a handful of people, if any, would have really understood any of it. That wasn’t a condemnation of any of them. Integration is hard work. But it was a reminder to me to be gracious with these people, as well as with myself.
The audience had loved it. Some of the reviews might not be kind. Reviewers were critics by nature. It made me think about books and movies that I enjoyed and how my favorite authors might still be selling truckloads of books fifty years after their deaths, and yet, critics, anyone with an opinion, would trash them in reviews. I laughed, picturing myself taking the stage and delivering my monologue about the uselessness of literary critique and entertainment award ceremonies based on what “experts” thought of a piece of art. I’d read reviews of products that said, “I give it one star out of five because I didn’t realize that a size small wouldn’t fit me.” As if that was a reflection on the product. I was glad that I was a spaceman, not an author.
I didn’t care if anyone in the audience liked what Allie had done. I liked it. And I would make sure that she knew that I was proud of her and that I was going to think about what she’d said for a long time to come.
I was getting used to not having any way to really tell time. I could still estimate time based on how long it felt to me. I could say that it felt like an hour but I couldn’t know. There were clocks here, but I couldn’t read them. The girls explained that stations like this operated around the clock and businesses never closed anyway. There was no morning or evening here either. People who were born and raised here would have a hard time adapting to planetary life with a regular sunrise and sunset.
Bailey wanted to go shopping. I wanted Michelle to take Allie back to Eevona and put her to bed. She wasn’t fully healed and still needed rest. As my diligent bodyguard, Michelle was hesitant to leave me on the station without her. In the end, we decided to all
ride back together, get Allie situated, and then come back for what Bailey wanted.
What Bailey wanted was to start arranging for a few upgrades for the ship. I didn’t understand exactly what, but apparently the local shipyard didn’t have the parts, the capabilities, or the prices that Bailey was looking for, and after an hour or so we were headed back to Eevona again.
Michelle felt that Allie should sleep apart from us for the evening. She was concerned about the girl’s broken leg and how taxing everything had been emotionally. The decision was made for Bailey and me to sleep in my stateroom and for Michelle to stay with Allie in a nice, but smaller, room next door.
It seemed that no matter when I climbed into bed, I was pretty much ready to sleep. There were no sleepless nights. If I wasn’t ready to sleep, I just didn’t go to bed.
Sleeping with Bailey was wonderful. It was so easy. We took off our clothes and just slept. We held each other when we wanted to and rolled over to sleep on our sides when we wanted to. She seemed to have no expectations that I would do any particular thing. There was no sense that I should be doing any particular thing: cuddling or giving her space or anything. If I wanted to lie on her shoulder, she welcomed me. If she laid against my side holding my penis, I welcomed her. If I wanted to snuggle up against her butt, she cooed and made room for me. It was easy. We did what we wanted and we welcomed each other. Holding her didn’t cost me anything. I didn’t pay a price for it. And she felt the same way. We slept in a state of mutuality, our bodies and spirits welcome to each other in a way that I’d never experienced but loved immensely.
At one point in the “evening”, I found us both awake, holding each other, trying not to wake the other up, and me with a substantial nocturnal erection.
I whispered, “Hey Bailey, would you like to suck on me for a bit?”
She whispered back, “I would indeed,” and without another word, she slid down under the covers and started to mouth me lovingly.
It was so easy. Did she want to? Yes, she did. And it felt incredible, lying there in the dark, not knowing what time it was, my beautiful lover licking and sucking me. It wasn’t hurried. We were together. We weren’t trying to go anywhere. Bailey wasn’t trying to get me to climax, she was loving me. And I felt loved. I sensed that she felt just as loved as I did. Before I was finished, I rolled over on top of her and plowed her gently for the first time since we’d met those many years before on the beach behind a sand dune. It was easy to love her.
In the morning, or what served for morning on the ship now, Ee woke us up and told us that Allie was making breakfast. Neither of us felt like putting on jumpsuits, so we pulled the soft tunics over our heads and went to the dining room where Michelle and Allie were already setting the table.
Bailey and I must have looked like newlyweds. Not that we had just experienced anything especially bridal, but we were holding hands and definitely feeling like we were settling into a honeymoon period for all of us. There was a sense that we had passed a threshold now that everyone was safe and secure. The alarms were silent, no one was in crisis, and love was in the air somehow.
When I saw Michelle and Allie, I took each of them in my arms and kissed them meaningfully, expressing my care for them and my thankfulness that we were together. They both seemed to understand. Things were definitely different today. I felt like I wanted to make love all day long.
Our meal was happy. We were happy. But again, I wanted to move forward. Slowly and gently, but forward nonetheless.
I said, “Well Crew, what now? Ee, did you find us a job to do? But wait. First, how is everyone? Allie, let’s start with you. I want a status report.”
Allie said, “I’m doing great, Captain. Um, about yesterday, on stage. I felt good about that. While I was doing it, I felt natural. Like I was just telling a story. I could hear the story in my head and I let it out. I didn’t even care what I was saying. I didn’t care if anyone was even listening. But I knew that they were. I could feel them. I could feel the words and the sight of me splashing against them. I didn’t feel loved. I felt appreciated. Like I was bringing something that they had been wishing for without knowing it.”
Bailey said, “Allie may be an Empath. It sounds like you almost see what people are feeling.”
Allie said, “Maybe. When I was on stage, anyway. Did we get a lot of money? I hope we did. I just told a story, but did it make money?”
Bailey said, “It made a lot of money. But we’ll come back to that later. When we start talking business. Oh, Allie, you don’t need to be sorry. No, Sweetie, it was fine to ask about the money. It was a lot. I just think that we will talk about that more in a few minutes.”
Michelle said, “And Allie is healing perfectly. In fact, even faster than normal. We heal quickly, but Allie is healing maybe 25 percent faster than I would have anticipated. I think that she can take off the cast in another day or so.”
Allie said, “So I can sleep with all of you from now on?”
Michelle grinned and said, “Probably so. And as to how I’m doing, I’m doing fine and don’t have any concerns right now. That feels strange. Something has changed, hasn’t it?”
Allie said, “Of course it has. We are together now. We know who we are for now. Units never know who they are.”
Bailey said, “It’s true. They don’t. But yes, I know who and what I am. I might not be able to explain it, but I do. It happened to me last night.”
Ee said, “Me too. While Bailey and the Captain were processing. Suddenly, I felt like I knew who and what I am. But I can’t explain that either.”
Bailey smiled and said, “What do you mean, processing?”
Ee said, “You were processing each other. Getting to know each other. Learning each other’s operating parameters and systems.”
Bailey said, “Hmm, I wouldn’t have put it that way, but yeah, I suppose that we were.”
I said, “And I look forward to spending time with each of you getting to really know each other in every way that we can. Ee, what about a jobs report?”
Ee said, “I’ve been scanning deep space news and talked to the station to find out what it knows, and I may have some possibilities. You told me to look for salvage fields first. Well, something new has been discovered, and it looks like there may be a good supply of scrapped equipment, but it’s pretty far away. From everyone. If we go right away, we might be able to get some good bits before a lot of others show up. And, because it is so far away, there might not be that much competition.”
Bailey said, “How far out for us and how far back for tractor mules?”
Ee said, “About um, you’d probably sleep twice on the way out. It would maybe 100 periods of sleep on the way back in. I assume that you mean to a large scrap recycling facility.”
Bailey said, “Yeah. If it’s 100 days from the field to the plant, how many mules can we run? We’ll want to make as few trips as possible. The more we take with us, the faster we get paid.”
Ee said, “I can hold up to twenty if we pack them in tight. They aren’t very big.”
Bailey said, “We can afford maybe ten if I negotiate well for used units that don’t have to look good. That will still leave us enough for supplies for a long time. I think that our goal should be to get Eevona a new battle hull.”
I said, “Is there a reason not to get started right now? We can make other plans on the way, right?”
It was agreed that we would buy what we needed and head out as soon as possible. Bailey, Michelle, and I took the shuttle and hit the station. Baily found us eleven mules and had them sent out to Eevona under their own power to be stored in her cargo bay. Michelle bought all of us protective work suits that would be used for any manual work that we had to do outside the ship. They were armored against being punctured, cut, or crushed and had short distance maneuvering capabilities. We got eight of them, one for each of us, plus a spare for each of us as well. I didn’t expect Allie to need one, but we got them anyway.
As soon
as we were back on board Eevona, she warned us to forgo any exciting sexual activities and then popped us into non-space to start out for the coordinates that we had for the debris field.
That afternoon, as Allie was cleaning my stateroom, Bailey was working with Eevona on her damage and Michelle was trying on and training in her “hard-suit”. I wasn’t doing anything. I was watching Allie move around the room, seemingly happy to be working and taking care of me and the others. She was wearing a white jumpsuit, not our uniform, but the simple one that Ee had as part of her normal equipment, and I wanted to hold her.
I said softly, “Allie, would you take a break from cleaning for a minute and come be with me?”
Allie turned and smiled and said, “I would like that very much. Come with me.”
I was surprised that she took the lead, but when she offered her hand, I let her pull me to my feet and I followed her out of the room. Going toward the center of the ship, we turned into a door at the side of the main corridor. The room beyond was small. It wasn’t really a room, so much as a closet. And in the closet was a staircase that led upward. The ceilings were low and the stairs rose through the ceiling to a small landing above.
At first, I thought that we had stepped out into space. It was a small circular area about fifteen feet across and covered with a completely transparent dome. The lighting was done in a way that didn’t give any reflection off whatever material separated us from the void. Around the edge of the room was a single circular sofa; the stairs came up in the center. The furnishings were black. We could see each other well enough, but the rest of the room was difficult to make out. In retrospect, it was the perfect make-out room.
Allie said, “Welcome to the observation deck.”
I wondered what it was meant to observe.
Allie smiled and said, “Observe,” as she had me sit on the sofa and stood in front of me and pulled the zipper at her neck.
First Recruits Page 21