CHAPTER SIX
BIRSKY & ZAPP
"A charitable sucker like Jonas Eschenbach, of Cordova, Ohio, is alwaysa close buyer, Barney," said Louis Birsky to his partner, Barnett Zapp,as they sat in their show-room one morning in April. "For every dollarhe gives to an orphan asylum _oder_ a hospital, understand me, he beatsAdelstern down two on his prices; and supposing Adelstern does sell himevery season, for example, eight thousand dollars, Barney--what is it?"
"Sure, I know, Louis," Barnett Zapp retorted satirically. "The dawgsays the grapes ain't ripe because he couldn't reach 'em already."
Birsky shrugged his shoulders.
"For that matter, Barney," he said, "if the dawg could reach 'em _oder_not, y'understand, it wouldn't make no difference, Barney, because adawg don't eat grapes anyhow. He eats meat, Barney; and, furthermore,Barney, if you think it's _bekovet_ one partner calls the other partnera dawg, y'understand, go ahead and do so, Barney."
"I ain't calling you a dawg, Louis," Zapp protested.
"Ain't you?" Louis rejoined. "All right, Barney, then I must be gettingdeaf all of a sudden; but whether you are calling me a dawg _oder_ not,Barney, I ain't looking to sell no goods to Jonas Eschenbach. On accounteven if he would buy at our price, y'understand, then he wants us weshould _schnoder_ for this orphan asylum a hundred dollars and for thatorphan asylum another hundred, understand me--till we don't get noprofit left at all."
"That's all right, Louis," Barney said. "It don't do no harm that afeller should give to charity oncet in a while, even if it would be toplease a customer."
"I wouldn't argue with you, Barney," Louis agreed, "but another thing,Barney: the feller is crazy about baseball, understand me, which everytime he is coming down here in August to buy his fall and winter line,Adelstern must got to waste a couple weeks going on baseball games_mit_ him."
"Well, anyhow, Louis, Adelstern don't seem so anxious to get rid ofhim," Zapp said. "Only yesterday I seen him lunching with Eschenbachover in Hammersmith's, y'understand; and the way Adelstern is spreadinghimself _mit_ broiled squabs and 'sparagus and hafterward a pint oftchampanyer to finish, understand me, it don't look like he is losingout on Eschenbach."
"That's all right, Barney," Birsky declared as he rose to his feet;"some people wastes money and some people wastes time, and if you ain'tgot no objections, Barney, I would take a look into the cutting roomand see how Golnik is getting on with them 1855's. We must positivelygot to ship them goods to Feigenbaum before the end of next week;because you know as well as I do, Barney, with a crank like Feigenbaumwe couldn't take no chances. He is coming in here this morning yet, andthe first thing he wants to know is how about them 1855's."
As he started for the door, however, he was interrupted by JacobGolnik, who comported himself in a manner so apologetic as to bewell-nigh cringing.
"Mr. Birsky," he said, "could I speak a few words something to you?"
"What's the matter, Golnik?" exclaimed Birsky. "Did you spoil them1855's on us?"
Ordinarily the condescension that marks the relations between adesigner and his employer is exerted wholly by the designer; and thealarm with which Birsky viewed his designer's servility was immediatelycommunicated to Zapp.
"I told you that silk was too good for them garments, Birsky," Zappcried.
"What d'ye mean, you told me the silk was too good?" Birsky shouted. "Isays right along giving silk like that in a garment which sells foreight dollars is a crime, Zapp; and----"
"_Aber_ I ain't touched the silk yet," Golnik interrupted; "so what isthe use you are disturbing yourself, Mr. Birsky? I am coming to see youabout something else again, entirely different already."
Birsky grew suddenly calm.
"So, Golnik," he said, "you are coming here to see us about somethingelse again! Well, before you begin, Golnik, let me tell you you stand aswell chance to gouge us for more money. We would positively stand onour contract with you, Golnik; and even if it would be our busiestseason, Golnik, we----"
"What are you talking nonsense, Mr. Birsky?" Golnik broke in. "I ain'tcoming here to ask money for myself, Mr. Birsky; and, furthermore, Mr.Birsky, you must got to understand that nowadays is a difference matteralready from conditions in the cloak and suit trade ten years ago.Nowadays an employer must got to take some little benevolence in theinterests of his employees, understand me, which when me and JosephBogin and I. Kanef gets together with the operators and formed theMutual Aid Society Employees of Birsky & Zapp, understand me, we doneit as much out of consideration by you, Mr. Birsky, as by us."
Birsky exchanged disquieting glances with his partner.
"Sit down, Golnik," he said, "and tell me what is all this _Verruecktheit_."
"_Verruecktheit_!" Golnik cried indignantly. "What d'ye mean,_Verruecktheit_, Mr. Birsky? This here is something which a big concernlike H. Dexter Adelstern is taking up, and you would see that otherpeople gets in it, too. These here mutual aid societies is somethingwhich it not only benefits the employees but also the employers, Mr.Birsky."
"You already said that before, Golnik," Birsky interrupted; "and if youthink we are paying you you should make speeches round here, Golnik,let me tell you, Golnik, that Feigenbaum would be in our place anyminute now; and if we couldn't show him we are going ahead on them1855's, understand me, the first thing you know he would go to work andcancel the order on us."
"That may be, Mr. Birsky," Golnik went on, "_aber_ this here propositionwhich I am putting up to you is a whole lot more important to you asFeigenbaum's order."
Birsky opened his mouth to enunciate a vigorous protest, but Golnikforestalled him by pounding a sample table with his fist in a gesturehe had observed only the night before at a lodge meeting of theI.O.M.A. "Yes, Mr. Birsky," he shouted, "if you would want to do awaywith strikes and loafing in your shop, understand me, now is yourchance, Mr. Birsky; because if an operator is got on deposit with hisemployers ten dollars even, he ain't going to be in such a hurry thathe should strike _oder_ get fired."
"Got on deposit ten dollars?" Zapp inquired. "How does our operatorscome to got with us a deposit of ten dollars, Golnik?"
"It's a very simple thing, Mr. Zapp," Golnik explained: "From the firstfive weeks' wages of every one of your hundred operators you deduct onedollar a week and keep it in the bank. That makes five hundreddollars."
Zapp nodded.
"Then after that you deduct only twenty-five cents a week," Golnik wenton; "_aber_, at the end of five weeks only, the operator's got tendollars to his credit--and right there you got 'em where they wouldn'trisk getting fired by loafing or striking."
"_Aber_, if we deduct one dollar a week from a hundred operators forfive weeks, Golnik," Zapp commented, "that makes only five hundreddollars, or five dollars to each operator--ain't it?"
"Sure, I know," Golnik replied; "_aber_ you and Mr. Birsky donateyourselves to the mutual aid society five hundred dollars, and----"
"What!" Birsky shrieked. "Zapp and me donate five hundred dollars toyour rotten society!"
"Huh-huh," Golnik asserted weakly, and Zapp grew purple with rage.
"What do you think we are, Golnik," he demanded, "millionaires _oder_crazy in the head? We got enough to do with our money without we shouldmake a present to a lot of low-life bums five hundred dollars."
"Well, then, for a start," Golnik said, "make it three hundred andfifty dollars."
"We wouldn't give three hundred and fifty buttons, Golnik!" Birskydeclared savagely. "If you want to be a mutual aid society, Golnik,nobody stops you, _aber_ we wouldn't deduct nothing and we wouldn'tdonate nothing; so if it's all the same to you, Golnik, you should goahead on them 1855's and make an end here."
Having thus closed the interview, Louis Birsky turned his back on thedisgruntled Golnik, who stood hesitatingly for a brief interval.
"You don't want a little time to think it over maybe?" he suggested.
"Think it over!" Louis bellowed. "What d'ye mean, think it over? If youstop some one which he is trying to pick
your pocket, Golnik, would youthink it over and let him pick it, Golnik? What for an idee!"
He snorted so indignantly that he brought on a fit of coughing, in themidst of which Golnik escaped, while the bulky figure of One-eyeFeigenbaum approached from the elevator.
"What's the matter, boys?" he said as with his remaining eye hesurveyed the retreating figure of Jacob Golnik. "Do you got troublewith your designer again?"
Birsky shrugged his shoulders.
"Who ain't got trouble _mit_ a designer, Mr. Feigenbaum?" he asked."And the better the designer, y'understand, the more you got trouble_mit_ him. Actually, Mr. Feigenbaum, you wouldn't believe the nervethat feller Golnik is got it. If we wouldn't sit on him all the time,understand me, he tries to run our business for us. Nothing is too muchthat he asks us we should do for him."
Feigenbaum pawed the air with his right hand and sat down ponderously.
"You ain't got nothing on me, Birsky," he said. "Honestly, if you wouldbe running a drygoods store--and especially a chain of drygoods storeslike I got it, understand me--every saleswoman acts like a designer,only worser yet. Do you know what is the latest craze with them girls?"
He emitted a tremulous sigh before answering his own rhetoricalquestion.
"Welfare work!" he continued. "Restrooms and lunchrooms, _mit_ atrained nurse and _Gott weiss was noch_! Did you ever hear the like,Birsky?--I should go to work and give them girls a restroom! I says toMiss McGivney, my store superintendent in Cordova, I says: 'If thegirls wants to rest,' I says, 'they should go home,' I says. 'Here wepay 'em to work, not to rest,' I says."
He paused for breath and wiped away an indignant moisture from hisforehead.
"In my Bridgetown store they ain't kicking at all," he went on; "_aber_in my Cordova store--that's different again. There I got that_meshugganeh_ Eschenbach to deal with; which, considering the monkeybusiness which goes on in that feller's place, y'understand, it's awonder to me that they got any time to attend to business at all. Twopeople he's got working for him there--a man and a woman--which doesnothing but look after this here welfare _Naerrischkeit_."
"Go away!" Birsky exclaimed. "You don't say so!"
"The man used to was a _Spieler_ from baseball," Feigenbaum continued;"and him and Eschenbach fixes up a ball team from the clerks anddelivery-wagon drivers, which they could lick even a lot of loaferswhich makes a business of baseball already."
Birsky waggled his head from side to side and made incoherent soundsthrough his nose by way of expressing his sympathy.
"And yet," Feigenbaum continued, "with all Eschenbach's craziness aboutbaseball and charities, Birsky, he does a big business there inCordova, which I wish I could say the same. Honestly, Birsky, such amean lot of salespeople which I got it in Cordova, y'understand, youwouldn't believe at all. They are all the time at doggerheads with me."
"It's the same thing with us here, Mr. Feigenbaum," Birsky said. "Why,would you believe it, Mr. Feigenbaum, just before you come in,understand me, Golnik is trying to hold us up we should donate fivehundred dollars for an employees' mutual benefit society!"
Henry Feigenbaum pursed his lips as he listened to Birsky.
"I hope," he said in harsh tones, "you turned 'em down, Birsky."
Birsky nodded.
"I bet yer I did," he replied fervently, "like a shot already."
"Because," Feigenbaum continued, "if any concern which I am dealingwith starts any such foolishness as that, Birsky, I wouldn't buy fromthem a dollar's worth more goods so long as I live--and that's allthere is to it."
"We ain't got no such idee in our head at all," Zapp assured him almosttearfully. "Why, if you would hear the way we jumped on Golnik forsuggesting it even, you wouldn't think the feller would work for us anymore."
"I'm glad to know it," Feigenbaum said. "Us business men has got tostick together, Zapp, and keep charity where it belongs, understand me;otherwise we wouldn't know whether we are running businesses _oder_hospitals _mit_ lodgeroom annexes, the way them employees' aidsocieties is springing up."
He rose to his feet and took off his hat and coat, preparatory to goingover Birsky & Zapp's sample line.
"What we want in towns like Bridgetown and Cordova is less charitiesand more asphalt pavements," he declared. "Every time a feller comes inthe store, Birsky, I couldn't tell whether he is a collector for ahospital _oder_ a wagon shop. My delivery system costs me a fortune forrepairs already, the pavements is so rotten."
Zapp clucked his tongue sympathetically.
"If it ain't one thing it's another," he said; "so, if you're ready tolook over the rest of our line, Mr. Feigenbaum, I could assure you thefirst operator which he is going into a mutual aid society here getsfired on the spot, Mr. Feigenbaum. We would start showing you thesehere washable poplins, which is genuine bargains at one seventy-fiveapiece."
* * * * *
When Louis Birsky seated himself in Hammersmith's restaurant at oneo'clock that afternoon his appetite had been sharpened by atwo-thousand dollar order from Henry Feigenbaum, who that noon haddeparted for his home in western Pennsylvania. Hence Louis attacked adish of _gefuellte Rinderbrust_ with so much ardour that he failed tonotice the presence at an adjoining table of Jonas Eschenbach, thephilanthropic drygoods merchant; and it was not until Louis had soppedup the last drop of gravy and leaned back in voluptuous contemplationof ordering his dessert that the strident tones of Charles Finkman,senior member of Finkman & Maisener, attracted his attention.
"Why, how do you do, Mr. Eschenbach?" Finkman cried. "What brings youto New York?"
"I got to do some additional spring buying the same like every otherdrygoods merchant," Eschenbach replied. "You've no idee what elegantweather we got it out on the Lakes this spring. Spring styles wasselling like hot cakes in March already; and our store employees'association held a picnic the first Sunday in April which we beat thetar out of a nine from a furniture factory--five to four in aten-inning game."
"Is that a fact?" Finkman said. "_Aber_ how does it come that you arelunching alone, Mr. Eschenbach?"
"Adelstern was coming with me," Eschenbach replied, "but at the lastminute he had to attend the weekly luncheon of his cutting staff. It'swonderful the way that feller has got his workpeople organized, Mr.Finkman! He's a very enlightened merchant, with a lot of very fineidees for the welfare of his employees. And you can well believe it,Mr. Finkman, goods made under such ideel conditions are very attractiveto me. I've been a customer of Adelstern's for many years now; andsometimes, if he ain't got exactly what I am looking for, I take thenext best thing from him. I believe in encouraging idees likeAdelstern's--especially when he is got a very nifty little ball team inhis society, too."
If there was one quality above all others upon which Charles Finkmanprided himself it was his philanthropy; and as a philanthropist heyielded precedence to nobody. Indeed, his name graced the title pagesof as many institutional reports as there were orphan asylums,hospitals, and homes appurtenant to his religious community within theboundaries of Greater New York; for both he and his partner had longsince discovered that as an advertising medium the annual report of ahospital is superior to an entire year's issue of a trade journal, andthe cost is distinctly lower. The idea that philanthropy among one'sown employees could promote sales had never occurred to him, however,and it came as a distinct shock that he had so long neglected thisphase of salesmanship.
"Why, I never thought that any concern in the cloak and suit businesswas doing such things." Finkman continued; and his tones voiced hischagrin at the discovery of Adelstern's philanthropic innovation. "Iknew that drygoods stores like yours, Mr. Eschenbach, they got a lot ofenlightened idees, but I never knew nobody which is doing such thingsin the cloak and suit trade."
At this juncture Louis Birsky abandoned his plans for a Saint Honoretart, with Vienna coffee and cream. Instead he conceived a bold strokeof salesmanship, and he turned immediately to Finkman.
"What are you talking nonsen
se, Mr. Finkman?" he said. "We ourselvesgot in our place already an employees' mutual aid society, which ourdesigner, Jacob Golnik, is president of it--and all the operatorsbelong yet."
It cannot truthfully be said that Finkman received this informationwith any degree of enthusiasm; and perhaps, to a person of less ruggedsensibilities than Louis Birsky, Finkman's manner might have seemed atrifle chilly as he searched his mind for a sufficiently discouragingrejoinder.
"Of course, Birsky," he growled at last, "when I says I didn't know anyconcerns in the cloak and suit business which is got a mutual aidsociety, understand me, I ain't counting small concerns."
"Sure, I know," Birsky replied cheerfully; "but I am telling you,Finkman, that we got such a mutual aid society, which, if you arecalling a hundred operators a small concern, Finkman, you got awful bigidees, Finkman, and that's all I got to say."
Eschenbach smiled amiably by way of smoothing things over.
"Have your hundred operators formed a mutual aid society, Mr. ----"
"My name is Mr. Birsky," Louis said, rising from his chair; and,without further encouragement, he seated himself at Eschenbach's table,"of Birsky & Zapp; and we not only got a hundred operators, Mr.Eschenbach, but our cutting-room staff and our office staff also joinsthe society."
"You don't tell me," Eschenbach commented. "And how do you find itworks?"
"W-e-e-ll, I tell yer," Birsky commenced, "of course we ourselves gotto donate already five hundred dollars to start the thing, Mr.Eschenbach."
While he made this startling declaration he gazed steadily at Finkman,who was moving his head in a slow and skeptic nodding, as one who says:"_Yow! Ich glaub's._"
"Five hundred dollars it costs us only to-day yet, Mr. Eschenbach,"Birsky went on, clearing his throat pompously; "but certainly, Mr.Eschenbach, in the end it pays us."
"How do you make that out?" Finkman demanded gruffly.
"Why, the money remains on deposit with a bank," Birsky explained, "andevery week for five weeks we deduct from the operators' wages also onedollar a week, which we put with the five hundred we are giving."
Finkman continued to nod more briskly in a manner that proclaimed: "Isee the whole thing now."
"So that at the end of five weeks," Birsky went on, "every operator isgot coming to him ten dollars."
Finkman snorted cynically.
"Coming to him!" he said with satirical emphasis.
"Coming to him," Birsky retorted, "that's what I said, Finkman; and thewhole idee is very fine for us as well as for them."
"I should say so," Finkman commented; "because at the end of five weeksyou got in bank a thousand dollars which you ain't paying no intereston to nobody."
"With us, a thousand dollars don't figure so much as like with somepeople, Finkman," Birsky retorted; "and our idee is that if we shouldkeep the money on deposit it's like a security that our operatorswouldn't strike on us so easy. Furthermore, Finkman, if you aredoubting our good faith, understand me, let me say that Mr. Eschenbachis welcome he should come round to my place to-morrow morning yet and Iwould show him everything is open and aboveboard, like a lodgealready."
"Why, I should be delighted to see how this thing works with you, Mr.Birsky," Eschenbach said. "I suppose you know what an interest I amtaking in welfare work of this description."
"I think he had a sort of an idee of it," Finkman interrupted, "when hebutts in here."
Again Eschenbach smiled beneficently on the rival manufacturers in aneffort to preserve the peace.
"I should like to have some other details from your plan, Mr. Birsky,"he said. "How do you propose to spend this money?"
Birsky drew back his chair from the table.
"It's a long story, Mr. Eschenbach," he replied; "and if it's all thesame to you I would tell you the whole thing round at my placeto-morrow morning."
He rose to his feet and, searching in his waistcoat pocket, produced acard that he laid on the table in front of Eschenbach.
"Here is our card, Mr. Eschenbach," he said, "and I hope we could lookfor you at eleven o'clock, say."
"Make it half-past ten, Mr. Birsky," Eschenbach replied as he extendedhis hand in farewell. "Will you join me there, Mr. Finkman?"
Finkman nodded sulkily.
"I will if I got the time, Mr. Eschenbach," he said; "_aber_ don't relyon me too much."
A malicious smile spread itself over Birsky's face as he started toleave.
"Me and my partner is going to feel terrible disappointed if you don'tshow up, Finkman," he declared; and with this parting shot he hurriedback to his place of business.
"Say, Barney," he said after he had removed his hat, "ain't itsurprising what a back number a feller like Charles Finkman is?"
"We should be such back numbers as Finkman & Maisener, Louis," Barneycommented dryly, "with a rating two hundred thousand to three hundredthousand, first credit."
"Even so," Louis commented, "the feller surprises me--he is such aniggeramus. Actually, Barney, he says he never knew that a singlegarment manufacturer in the city of New York is got in his shop one ofthem there mutual aid affairs. 'Why, Mr. Finkman,' I says, 'weourselves got such a mutual aid society,' I says; and right awayEschenbach says he would come round here to-morrow morning and see howthe thing works. So you should tell Kanef he should fix over them racksto show up well them changeable taffetas. Also, Barney, you should tellKanef to put them serges and the other stickers back of the piecegoods; and----"
At this point Barney raised a protesting hand.
"One moment, Louis," he cried. "What d'ye mean Eschenbach comesto-morrow?"
"Why, Eschenbach is interested in our mutual aid society; and----"
"Our mutual aid society!" Barney cried. "What are you talking about,our mutual aid society?"
"Well, then, Golnik's mutual aid society," Louis continued.
"Golnik's mutual aid society!" exclaimed Zapp. "Golnik ain't got nomutual aid society no more, Birsky. I told him after you are gone tolunch, Birsky, that if him _oder_ anybody else round here even so muchas mentions such a thing to us again we would fire 'em right out ofhere, contracts _oder_ no contracts."
Birsky sat down in a chair and gazed mournfully at his partner.
"You told him that, Zapp?" he said.
"I certainly did," Zapp replied. "What do you think I would tell himafter the way Feigenbaum takes on so?"
Birsky nodded his head slowly.
"That's the way it goes, Zapp," he said. "I am sitting there inHammersmith's half an hour already, scheming how we should getEschenbach round here so he should look over our line--which I didn'thardly eat nothing at all, understand me--and you go to work and knockaway the ground from under my toes already!"
"What d'ye mean, I am knocking away the ground from under your toes?"Zapp cried indignantly. "What has Golnik's mutual aid society got to do_mit_ your toes, Birsky--_oder_ Eschenbach, neither?"
"It's got a whole lot to do with it," Birsky declared. "It's goteverything to do with it; in fact, Barney, if it wouldn't be that I amtelling Eschenbach we got a mutual aid society here he wouldn't comeround here at all."
"That's all right," Zapp said. "He ain't in the mutual aid societybusiness--he's in the drygoods business, Louis; and so soon as weshowed him them changeable taffetas at eight dollars he would quickforget all about mutual aid societies."
Birsky shook his head emphatically.
"That's where you make a big mistake, Barney," he replied; andforthwith he unfolded to Zapp a circumstantial narrative of hisencounter with Eschenbach and Finkman at Hammersmith's cafe.
"So you see, Barney," he continued, "if we are ever going to dobusiness _mit_ Eschenbach, understand me, for a start the mutual aidsociety is everything and the changeable taffetas don't figure at all."
"But I thought you are saying this morning you wouldn't want to dobusiness _mit_ Eschenbach," Zapp protested.
"This morning was something else again," Birsky said. "This morning Iwas busy getting through _mit_ Feigenbaum, whic
h if I got a bird in onehand, Barney, I ain't trying to hold two in the other."
"That's all right, Louis," Zapp replied, "if you think when you bookedFeigenbaum's order that you got a bird in one hand, Louis, you betterwait till the goods is shipped and paid for. Otherwise, Louis, ifFeigenbaum hears you are monkeying round _mit_ mutual aid societies hewould go to work and cancel the order on us, and you could kissyourself good-bye with his business."
"_Schmooes_, Barney!" Birsky protested. "How is Feigenbaum, which he issafe in Bridgetown, going to find out what is going on in our shop? Wecould be running here a dozen mutual aid societies, understand me, forall that one-eyed _Rosher_ hears of it."
Zapp shrugged his shoulders.
"All right, Louis," he said; "if you want to fix up mutual aidsocieties round here go ahead and do so--only one thing I got to tellyou, Louis: you should fix it up that some one else as Golnik should bepresident, understand me, because a designer like Golnik is enoughstuck on himself without he should be president of a mutual aidsociety. Treasurer is good enough for him."
Birsky received the suggestion with a satirical smile.
"You got a real head for business, Zapp, I must say," he said, "whenyou are going to make a feller like Golnik treasurer."
"Well, then, we could make Golnik secretary, and Kanef, the shippingclerk, treasurer," Zapp suggested. "The feller's got rich relations inthe herring business."
"I don't care a snap if the feller's relations own all the herringbusiness in the world, Zapp," Birsky continued. "This afternoon yet wewould go to work and get up this here mutual aid society, _mit_ JacobGolnik president and I. Kanef vice-president."
"And who would be treasurer then?" Zapp asked meekly; whereat LouisBirsky slapped his chest.
"I would be treasurer," he announced; "and for a twenty dollar bill wewould get Henry D. Feldman he should fix up the by-laws, which youcould take it from me, Zapp, if there's any honour coming to Golnikafter me and Feldman gets through, understand me, the feller is easyflattered, Zapp--and that's all I got to say."
* * * * *
It was not until after five o'clock that Birsky returned from Feldman'soffice with the typewritten constitution and by-laws of a voluntaryassociation entitled the Mutual Aid Society Employees of Birsky & Zapp.Moreover, under the advice of counsel, he had transferred from thefirm's balance in the Kosciusko Bank the sum of five hundred dollars toa new account denominated L. Birsky, Treasurer; and the omission of theconjunction "as" before the word "Treasurer" was all that prevented thefunds so deposited from becoming the property of the mutual aidsociety. In short, everything was in readiness for the reception ofJonas Eschenbach the following morning except the trifling detail ofnotifying Jacob Golnik and the hundred operators that their mutual aidsociety had come into being; and as soon as Birsky had removed his hatand coat he hastened into the cutting room and beckoned to Golnik.
"Golnik," he said, "_kommen Sie mal h'rein_ for a minute." Golniklooked up from a pile of cloth and waved his hand reassuringly.
"It's all right, Mr. Birsky," he said. "I thought the matter overalready; and you and your partner is right, Mr. Birsky. This heremutual aid society is nix, Mr. Birsky. Why should I take from my salarya dollar a week for five weeks, understand me, while a lot of old_Schnorrers_ like them pressers in there is liable to die on us anyminute, y'understand, and right away we got to pay out a death benefitfor forty or fifty dollars?"
"What are you talking about a death benefit?" Birsky exclaimed. "Whyshould you got death benefits in a mutual aid society? A mutual aidsociety, which if you got any idee about the English language at all,Golnik, means a society which the members helps each other, Golnik; andif a member goes to work and dies, Golnik, he couldn't help nobody nomore. In a mutual aid society, Golnik, if a member dies he is dead,understand me, and all he gets out is what he puts in less his share ofwhat it costs to run the society."
Golnik laid down his shears and gazed earnestly at his employer.
"I never thought that way about it before," he said; "but, anyhow, Mr.Birsky, _Gott soll hueten_ such a feller shouldn't die sudden,understand me, then we got to pay him a sick benefit yet five dollars aweek; and the least such a _Schlemiel_ lingers on us is ten weeks,which you could see for yourself, Mr. Birsky, where do I get off?"
"Well, you would be anyhow president, Golnik--ain't it?" Birsky said.
"Sure, I know, Mr. Birsky," Golnik continued; "but what is the _Kunst_a feller should be president, understand me, if I got to pay every weekmy good money for a lot of operators which they _fress_ from picklesand fish, understand me, till they are black in the face _mit_ theindigestion, y'understand, while me I never got so much as a headacheeven? So I guess you are right, after all, Mr. Birsky. A feller whichhe is such a big fool that he joins one of them there mutual aidsocieties deserves he should get fired right out of here."
"_Aber_, Golnik," Birsky protested, "me and Zapp has changed our mindsalready and we are agreeable we should have such a society, which youwould be president and Kanef vice-president."
There was a note of anxiety in Birsky's voice that caused Golnik tohesitate before replying, and he immediately conjectured that Birsky'sreconsideration of the mutual aid society plan had been made on groundsnot entirely altruistic.
"Well," he said at length, "of course if you and Mr. Zapp is changedyour minds, Mr. Birsky, I couldn't kick; _aber_, if it's all the sameto you, you should please leave me out of it."
"What d'ye mean, leave you out of it?" Birsky cried. "When we would gothere an employees' mutual aid society, Golnik, who would be presidentfrom it if the designer wouldn't, Golnik?"
Golnik gave an excellent imitation of a disinterested onlooker as heshrugged his shoulders in reply.
"What's the matter with Kanef, Mr. Birsky?" he asked.
"Kanef is a shipping clerk only, Golnik," Birsky replied; "and you knowas well as I do, Golnik, a shipping clerk is got so much influence withthe operators like nothing at all. Besides, Golnik, we already got yourname in as president, which, if we would change it now, right away weare out twenty dollars we paid Henry D. Feldman this afternoon heshould draw up the papers for us."
"So!" Golnik exclaimed. "Feldman draws up the papers!"
"Sure he did," Birsky said; "which, if we started this thing, Golnik,we want to do it right."
Golnik nodded.
"And he would do it right, too, Mr. Birsky," he commented; "which,judging from the contract he is drawing up between you and me lastDecember, an elegant chance them operators is got in such a society."
Birsky patted his designer confidentially on the shoulder.
"What do you care, Golnik?" he said. "You ain't an operator--andbesides, Golnik, I couldn't stand here and argue with you all night; soI tell you what I would do, Golnik: come in this here society aspresident and we wouldn't deduct nothing from your wages at all, andyou would be a member in good standing, anyhow."
Golnik shook his head slowly, whereat Birsky continued his confidentialpatting.
"And so long as the society lasts, Golnik," he said, "we ourselveswould pay you two dollars a week to boot."
"And I am also to get sick benefits?" Golnik asked.
"You would get just so much sick benefits as anybody else in thesociety," Birsky replied, "because you could leave that point to me,Golnik, which I forgot to told you, Golnik, that I am the treasurer; soyou should please be so good and break it to Bogin and Kanef and theoperators. We want to get through with this thing."
For the remainder of the afternoon, therefore, the business premises ofBirsky & Zapp were given over to speechmaking on the part of Birsky andGolnik; and when at the conclusion of his fervid oration Golnikexhibited to the hundred operators the passbook of L. Birsky,Treasurer, the enthusiasm it evoked lost nothing by the omission of theconjunctive adverb "as." Indeed, resolutions were passed and spreadupon the minutes of such a laudatory character that, until the arrivalof Jonas Eschenbach the following morning, there persi
sted in bothBirsky and Zapp a genuine glow of virtue.
"Why, how do you do, Mr. Eschenbach?" Louis cried, as Eschenbachcuddled his hand in a warm, fat grasp. "This is my partner, Mr. Zapp."
"Ain't it a fine weather?" Barney remarked after he had undergone thehandclasp of philanthropy.
"I bet yer it's a fine weather," Eschenbach said. "Such a fine weatheris important for people which is running sick-benefit societies."
"_Warum_ sick-benefit societies, Mr. Eschenbach?"
"Well," Eschenbach replied, "I take it that in a sick-benefit societythe health of the members is paramount."
"Sure, it is," Barney agreed. "You couldn't expect otherwise, Mr.Eschenbach, from the _Machshovos_ them fellers eats for theirlunch--herring and pickles _mit_ beer."
"I am not speaking from the food they eat," Eschenbach continued;"_aber_, in bad weather, Mr. Zapp, you must got to expect that acertain proportion of your members would be laid up with coldsalready."
Zapp waved his hand carelessly.
"For that matter," he said, "we told them fellers the sick-benefitsociety wouldn't fall for no colds _oder_ indigestion, which both of'em comes from the stummick."
"May be that's a wise plan, Mr. Zapp," Eschenbach continued; "but thebest way a feller should keep himself he shouldn't take no colds _oder_indigestion is from athaletics."
"That's where you make a big mistake, Mr. Eschenbach," said Zapp, whohad served an apprenticeship in the underwear business. "Even in thehottest weather I am wearing a long-sleeve undershirt and regularlength pants, and I never got at all so much as a little _Magensaeure_."
"I don't doubt your word for a minute, Mr. Zapp," Eschenbach went on;"but it ain't what you wear which is counting so much, y'understand--it'swhat you do. Now you take them operators of yours, Mr. Zapp, and ifthey would play once in a while a game of baseball, _verstehst dumich_--especially this time of the year, Mr. Zapp--their healthimproves something wonderful."
"Baseball!" Birsky exclaimed. "And when do you suppose our operatorsgets time to _spiel_ baseball, Mr. Eschenbach?"
"They got plenty time, Mr. Birsky," Eschenbach replied. "For instance,in Adelstern's shop, Mr. Birsky, every lunch-hour they got theoperators practising on the roof; while on Sundays yet they play insome vacant lots which Adelstern gets left on his hands from boom timesalready, up in the Bronix somewheres."
"_Aber_ we got stuck _mit_ only improved property," Birsky protested,"on Ammerman Avenue, a five-story, twelve-room house _mit_ stores,which we bought from Finkman at the end of the boom times already, andwhich we couldn't give it away free for nothing even; and what for abaseball game could you play it on the roof of a new-law house on a lotthirty-three by ninety-nine?"
"Such objection is nothing, Mr. Birsky," Eschenbach rejoined, "becausefor five dollars a month the landlord here lets you use the rooflunch-hours; and for a start I would get Adelstern he should lend youhis lots. Later you could get others, Mr. Birsky, because Mr. Adelsternain't the only one which gets stuck from boom times _mit_ Bronix lotsalready. I bet yer there is hundreds of real-estate speculators whichstands willing to hire vacant lots for baseball Sundays, and theywouldn't charge you more as a couple dollars, neither."
"Well," Birsky said, handing his visitor a cigar, "maybe you are right,Mr. Eschenbach; but, anyhow, Mr. Eschenbach, we got here an elegantline of popular-price goods which I should like for you to give a lookat."
"I got plenty time to look at your line, Mr. Birsky," Eschenbachassured him. "I would be in town several days yet already; and before Igo, Mr. Birsky, I would like to see it if Adelstern's idees would workout here."
"_Aber_ we are running our society on our own idees, Mr. Eschenbach,"Zapp said.
"Quite right, too," Eschenbach agreed; "but I don't mind telling you,Mr. Birsky, that Adelstern's baseball team is originally my idee, Mr.Birsky--and if you don't mind, Mr. Birsky, I would like to look overyour employees and see if I couldn't pick out nine good men."
"For my part," Birsky said, rising to his feet, "you could pick outtwenty, Mr. Eschenbach."
Forthwith they proceeded to the rear of the loft, where the hundred oddmembers of the mutual aid society were engaged in the manifoldemployments of a cloak and suit factory, and the smiles and nods withwhich they greeted their treasurer rekindled in Birsky and Zapp theglow of virtue that to some degree had abated at Eschenbach's refusalto examine their sample line.
"You see, Mr. Eschenbach," Birsky said proudly, "what a good feelingthe operators has for us. And you wouldn't believe how it shows in thework, too, Mr. Eschenbach. Our goods is elegant made up."
"I don't doubt it," Eschenbach said. "Which of your operators do youconsider is the strongest, Mr. Zapp?"
"Well," Zapp replied, pointing to a broad-shouldered giant whose longblack beard swept his torso to the waist, "that feller over there, bythe name Tzvee Margoninsky, is strong like a bull, Mr. Eschenbach. Lastweek he moves for us the safe from the show-room to the office like itwould be an empty packing-case already."
Eschenbach shook his head and smiled.
"_Mit_ one arm already," he declared, "a feller could better playbaseball as _mit_ such a beard. What we must got to do is to pick outonly fellers which looks more up to date."
"Go ahead and use your own judgment, Mr. Eschenbach," said Birsky; andthereat Jonas Eschenbach immediately selected three long-armedoperators for outfielders. In less than half an hour he had secured theremainder of the team, including as pitcher I. Kanef, the shippingclerk.
"I seen worser material, Mr. Birsky," Eschenbach said after he hadreturned to the showroom; "so, if you would get these fellers up atAdelstern's lots on Northeastern Boulevard and Pelham Parkway on Sundaymorning at ten o'clock, Mr. Birsky, I'll show 'em a little somethingabout the game, understand me. Then on Monday morning I should be veryglad to look over your sample line."
"_Aber_, Mr. Eschenbach," Birsky cried, "why not look at it now?"
Eschenbach smiled enigmatically as he clasped Birsky's hand infarewell.
"Because, in the first place," he said, "I got an appointment downtown,Mr. Birsky; and, in the second place, lots of things could happenbefore Monday."
"You shouldn't worry yourself, Mr. Eschenbach," Birsky protested, "themfellers would be up there all right."
"If we got to pay 'em overtime even," Zapp added as he conductedEschenbach into the elevator, "union rates."
* * * * *
When Jonas Eschenbach arrived at Adelstern's vacant lots the followingSunday morning he was more than delighted with the size and enthusiasmof the gathering that awaited him. Practically all the members ofBirsky & Zapp's working force were assembled, surging andgesticulating, round a little group composed of Birsky, Zapp, andGolnik.
"Did you ever hear the like, Mr. Eschenbach?" Birsky exclaimed as thephilanthropist elbowed his way through the crowd. "The feller don'tknow the first thing about the game, understand me, and he kicks yetthat he wants to be pitcher!"
Golnik flapped the air with his right hand.
"Never mind I don't know nothing about the game!" he declared. "Notonly I am president of the society, but I am the designer in yourplace--ain't it? And if you think it's _bekovet_ you are giving this_Aleer_ to Kanef, which he is only a shipping clerk, understand me, Ithink differencely."
"But what is the honour about being a pitcher?" Eschenbach protested."There's a whole lot of pitchers which they couldn't sign their nameseven."
"That's all right, too," Golnik declared. "Might I don't know nothingabout this here baseball, Mr. Eschenbach, but I could read in thepapers, understand me; and an up-to-date, high-grade pitcher is gettinghis ten thousand a year yet."
"_Schmooes_, ten thousand a year!" exclaimed Eschenbach. "What does apitcher amount to anyway? Supposing a pitcher gets fresh with theumpire, _verstehst du mich_, and the umpire orders the pitcher heshould get off the field, y'understand--he dassent give him no backtalk nor nothing. He must got to go, _verstehst du_, because inbaseball t
he pitcher is nothing and the umpire everything."
"Umpire?" Golnik replied. "What is that--an umpire?"
"The umpire is a kind of a foreman," Eschenbach continued, "only biggeryet--which if you would be umpire, that's an honour; _aber_ a pitcheris nothing."
Here he winked furtively at Louis Birsky.
"And I says to Mr. Birsky only the other day," he went on, "I says, 'Wemust make the designer the umpire,' I says; 'because such an _Aleer_really belongs to the designer.' _Aber_ if you are so stuck on beingpitcher, understand me, we would make you the pitcher, and the shippingclerk will be the umpire."
Golnik shrugged his shoulders.
"It don't make no difference to me one way or the other," he said; "soI am content I should be the umpire."
"_Schon gut!_" Eschenbach cried as he laid down a heavy valise he hadbrought with him. "And now, boys, let's get busy."
He opened the valise and produced a catcher's mask and mitt, a bat, andthree balls.
"Here, you!" he said, throwing one of the balls to Kanef.
During the discussion with Golnik, Kanef had maintained the bent andsubmissive attitude becoming in a shipping clerk toward his superior;but when Eschenbach flung the ball at him he straightened upimmediately and, to the surprise and delight of the philanthropist, hecaught it readily with one hand.
"Well, well!" Eschenbach exclaimed. "I see you played ball already."
"Used to was shortstop with the Scammel Field Club," Kanef murmured."We was champeens of the Eighth Ward."
"Good!" Eschenbach cried. "Might we would got another ballplayer here?"
"Sure," Kanef replied, pointing to a short, thick-set presser who stoodgrinning among the spectators. "That feller there, by the name MaxCroplin, he plays second base already."
"You don't say so!" Eschenbach exclaimed. "Well, supposing Max Croplincatches and you pitch, understand me, and I would go on the bat andgive them fellers here a sample play already."
He threw the mask and mitt to Croplin, who proceeded to put them onamid the murmured plaudits of his fellow workmen, while Eschenbachseized the bat and planted himself firmly over the home plate.Meantime, Kanef proceeded to the pitcher's box and, wiping his righthand in the dirt, he struck a professional attitude that madeEschenbach fairly beam with delight.
"Play ball!" the philanthropist yelled, and Kanef swung his arm in theregular approved style.
The next moment the ball flew from his hand and, describing anoutcurve, grazed the tangent point of Eschenbach's waist-line into theoutstretched palm of Max Croplin.
"Strike one!" Eschenbach shouted. "You should please remember this is asample play only, and 'tain't necessary you should send 'em so fast."
Kanef nodded, while Croplin returned the ball; and this time Eschenbachpoised himself to knock a heaven-kissing fly.
"Play ball!" he cried again, and once more Kanef executed a pirouetteon the mound preparatory to pitching the ball. SimultaneouslyEschenbach stepped back one pace and fanned the air just as theoncoming ball took a sudden drop. A moment later it landed squarely inthe pit of his stomach, and with a smothered "Woof!" he sank to theground.
"Oo-ee!" wailed the hundred operators with one breath, while Birsky andZapp ran wildly toward the home plate.
"Mr. Eschenbach," Birsky exclaimed, "_um Gottes willen!_ What did thatloafer done to you?"
"It's all right," Eschenbach gasped, struggling to his feet. "I ain'thurted none, and in a regular game I would take my first base already."
"Well, take it here," Birsky said. "Don't mind us, Mr. Eschenbach--ormaybe you ain't got none _mit_ you."
He put his hand to his hip-pocket and drew out a pocket flask, whichEschenbach, however, waved away.
"That's expressly something which a ballplayer must never got to touchduring a game," Eschenbach cried as he dusted off his trousers with hishandkerchief and once more seized the bat. "Now, then, Mr. Pitcher," hecried, "send me a real slow one straight over the plate."
Birsky and Zapp returned to the edge of the lot, scowling savagely atKanef, who was once more engaged in wiping his hands in the dust. Thistime, however, he executed no preliminary dance steps, and Eschenbachswung his bat to such good purpose that the ball went sailing betweenthe first and second bases at the height of a short man's shoulder--or,to be exact, at the height of Jacob Golnik's right shoulder, from whichit rebounded into the left eye of Joseph Bogin, the shop foreman.
Amid the scene of confusion that ensued only Jonas Eschenbach remainedcalm.
"As clean a hit as ever I see!" he cried proudly, and strolled offtoward the excited mob that surrounded Golnik and Bogin, both of whomwere shrieking with fright and pain.
"D'ye think they're hurted bad, Mr. Eschenbach?" Zapp inquiredanxiously.
"_Schmooes_--hurt bad!" Eschenbach retorted. "Why should a little thinglike that hurt 'em bad?"
He was still intoxicated with the triumph of making what would havebeen a home run in a regular game, and his face bore a pleased smile ashe turned to Birsky.
"I says to myself when I seen that ball coming," he continued, "I wouldput that right between first and second bases, about where that shortand that big feller is standing--and that's exactly what happened."
Birsky stared at his prospective customer in shocked surprise.
"Then you done it on purpose!" he exclaimed.
"Certainly I done it on purpose," declared Eschenbach. "What do youthink it was--an accident?"
He swung his bat at a pebble that lay in his path and Birsky and Zappedged away.
"Well, if I was you, Mr. Eschenbach," Birsky said, "I wouldn't saynothing more about it to nobody. Even if you would meant it as a joke,understand me, sometimes them things turns out serious." With thisdictum he elbowed his way through the sympathetic crowd that hemmed inthe victims. "_Koosh_, Golnik!" he bellowed. "You might think youwas injured for life the way you are carrying on."
"Never mind, Mr. Birsky," Golnik whimpered, "I am hurted bad enough. IfI would be able to handle a pair of shears in six weeks already I'm alucky man." He heaved a tremulous sigh and nodded his head slowly."Little did I think," he wailed, "when I fixed up this here mutual aidsociety that I would be the first one to get the sick benefit."
Joseph Bogin ceased his agonizing rocking and turned fiercely toGolnik.
"What d'ye mean, the first one?" he demanded. "Ain't I in on the sickbenefit also? Not alone would I draw a sick benefit, Golnik, but mightI would come in for the losing-one-eye benefit, maybe, the way I amfeeling now."
"You would what?" Birsky shouted. "You would come in for nothing,Bogin! All you would come in for is losing your job, Bogin, if youdon't be careful what you are saying round here."
At this juncture Jonas Eschenbach bustled toward them and clapped hishands loudly.
"Now, then, boys," he called, "the whole team should please get out onthe field."
He pointed to a tall, simian-armed operator who stood listeningintently to the conversation between Golnik and Birsky.
"You, there," Jonas said to him, "you would play right field--and get amove on!"
The operator nodded solemnly and flipped his fingers in a deprecatorygesture.
"It don't go so quick, Mr. Eschenbach," he said, "because, speaking formyself and these other fellers here, Mr. Eschenbach, I would like toask Mr. Birsky something a question."
He paused impressively, and even Golnik ceased his moaning as theremaining members of the baseball team gathered round their spokesman.
"I would like to ask," the operator continued, "supposing _Gott sollhueten_ I am getting also _Makkas_ in this here baseball, Mr. Birsky,which I would be losing time from the shop, Mr. Birsky, what for a sickbenefit do I draw?"
Birsky grew livid with indignation.
"What for a sick benefit do you draw?" he sputtered. "A question! Youdon't draw nothing for a sick benefit." He appealed to Eschenbach, whostood close by. "An idee, Mr. Eschenbach," he said. "Did y'ever hearthe like we should pay a sick benefit because some one gets hur
ted_spieling_ from baseball already? The first thing you know, Mr.Eschenbach, we would be called upon we should pay a benefit that afeller breaks his fingers leading two aces and the ten of trumps, ormelding a round trip and a hundred aces, understand me; because, if afeller behaves like a loafer, y'understand, he could injure himselfjust so much in pinochle as in baseball."
"_Schon gut_, Mr. Birsky," the operator continued amid the approvingmurmurs of his fellow players, "that's all I want to know."
As they moved off in the direction of the West Farms subway station,Golnik's resentment, which for the time had rendered him speechless,gave way to profanity.
"So," he cried, choking with indignation, "I was acting like a loafer,was I? And that's how I got hurted!"
Here he contorted his face and clapped his hand to his injured shoulderin response to a slight twinge of pain; and for at least two minutes heclosed his eyes and gasped heavily in a manner that suggested theagonies of death by the rack and thumbscrews.
"You will hear from me later, gentlemen," he said at last, "and fromBogin also, which we wouldn't take no part of your sick benefit."
He fell back exhausted against the outstretched arm of a beardedoperator; and thus supported, he seized Bogin's elbow and started toleave the lot, with the halting steps of Nathan the Wise in the lastact of that sterling drama, as performed by the principal tragedian ofthe Canal Street Theatre.
"And you would see, Mr. Birsky," he concluded, "that we got plentywitnesses, which if we wouldn't get from you and Mr. Eschenbach at thevery least two thousand dollars, understand me, there ain't no lawyersworth the name in this city!"
Three minutes later there remained in Adelstern's lot only two ofBirsky & Zapp's employees--namely, the pitcher and the catcher ofEschenbach's team; and they were snapping the ball back and forth in amanner that caused Eschenbach's eyes to gleam with admiration.
"_Nu_, Mr. Eschenbach," Birsky croaked at last, "I guess we are upagainst it for fair, because not only we would lose our designer andshop foreman, y'understand, but them fellers would sue us sure."
Eschenbach waved his hands airily.
"My worries!" he said. "We would talk all about that to-morrowafternoon in your store."
Again he seized the bat and swung it at a pebble.
"But, anyhow," he concluded, "there's still five of us left, Mr.Birsky; so you and Zapp get out on right and left field and we'll seewhat we can do."
He crossed over to the home plate and pounded the earth with the end ofhis bat.
"All right, boys," he called. "Play ball!"
* * * * *
Louis Birsky limped wearily from the cutting room, where he had beenbusy since seven o'clock exercising the functions of his absentdesigner.
"Oo-ee!" he exclaimed as he reached the firm's office. "I am stiff likeI would got the rheumatism already."
Barney Zapp sat at his desk, with a pile of newly opened mail in frontof him, and he scowled darkly at his partner, who sank groaning intothe nearest chair.
"I give you my word, Barney," Birsky went on, "if that old _Rosher_would of kept us a minute longer throwing that _verfluechte Bobky_round, understand me--never mind he wouldn't come in here and buy a bigorder from us this morning--I would of wrung his neck for him. Whatdoes he think we are, anyway--children?"
Zapp only grunted in reply. He was nursing a badly strained wrist asthe result of two hours' fielding for Jonas Eschenbach; and thushandicapped he had been performing the duties of Joseph Bogin, the shopforeman, who only that morning had sent by his wife a formal noteaddressed to Birsky & Zapp. It had been written under the advice ofcounsel and it announced Bogin's inability to come to work by reason ofinjuries received through the agency of Birsky & Zapp, and concludedwith the notice that an indemnity was claimed from the funds of themutual aid society, "without waiving any other proceedings that thesaid Joseph Bogin might deem necessary to protect his interests in thematter."
"_Nu_, Zapp," Birsky said after Zapp had shown him Bogin's note, "youcouldn't prevent a crook like Bogin suing you if he wants to, understandme; and I bet yer when Eschenbach comes in here this afternoon he wouldbuy from us such a bill of goods that Bogin's and Golnik's claimswouldn't be a bucket of water in the ocean."
For answer to this optimistic prophecy Zapp emitted a short andmirthless laugh, while he handed to his partner another letter, whichread as follows:
HOTEL PRINCE CLARENCE,--_Sunday night_.
FRIEND BIRSKY: As I told you Saturday, lots of things might happen before Monday, which they did happen; so that I cannot look over your sample line on account I am obliged to leave for Cordova right away. Please excuse me; and, with best wishes for the success of your society, I am
Yours truly,
JONAS ESCHENBACH.
P.S. I will be back in New York a free man not later than next week at the latest, and the first thing I will call at your place. We will talk over then the society and what happens with your designer yesterday, which I do not anticipate he will make you any trouble--and the other man, neither.
J. E.
"Well," Birsky commented as he returned the letter to Zapp, "what ofit?"
"What of it!" Zapp exclaimed. "You are reading such a letter and youask me what of it?"
"Sure," Birsky replied; "I says what of it and I mean what of it! Is itsuch a terrible thing if we got to wait till next week beforeEschenbach gives us the order, Zapp?"
"If he gives us the order next week!" Zapp retorted, "because, from theway he says nothing about giving us an order _oder_ looking over oursample line, Birsky, I got my doubts."
"_Schmooes_, you got your doubts!" Birsky cried. "The feller says asplain as daylight----" Here he seized the letter to refresh his memory."He says," Birsky continued: "'P.S. I will be back in New York a freeman not later than next week at the latest, and the first thing I willcall at your place.' Ain't that enough for you?"
Zapp shrugged his shoulders in a non-committal fashion.
"I would wait till next week first," he said, "before I wouldcongratulate myself on that order."
Birsky rose painfully to his feet.
"You could do as you like, Zapp," he said, "but for me I ain't worryingabout things not happening until they don't, Zapp; so, if any one wantsme for anything I would be over in Hammersmith's for the nexthalf-hour."
Ten minutes later he sat at his favourite table in Hammersmith's cafe;and, pending the arrival of an order which included _Kreploch_ soup andsome _eingedaempftes Kalbflieisch_, he gazed about him at the lunch-hourcrowd. Nor was his appetite diminished by the spectacle of H. DexterAdelstern and Finkman engaged in earnest conversation at an adjoiningtable, and he could not forbear a triumphant smile as he attacked hisplate of soup. He had barely swallowed the first spoonful, however,when Adelstern and Finkman caught sight of him and they immediatelyrose from their seats and came over to his table.
"Why, how do you do, Mr. Birsky?" Adelstern cried. "I hear you had agreat game of baseball yesterday."
Birsky nodded almost proudly.
"You hear correct," he said. "Our mutual aid society must got to thankyou, Mr. Adelstern, for the use of your Bronix lots."
"Don't mention it," Adelstern replied; "in fact, you are welcome to use'em whenever you want to, Mr. Birsky."
He winked furtively at Finkman, who forthwith broke into theconversation.
"Might he would buy 'em from you, maybe, Adelstern," he suggested, "andadd 'em to his other holdings on Ammerman Avenue!"
Birsky felt that he could afford to laugh at this sally of Finkman's,and he did so rather mirthlessly.
"Why don't you buy 'em, Finkman?" he suggested. "From the way you aretalking here the other day to Mr. Eschenbach, you would need 'em foryour mutual aid society which you are making a bluff at getting up."
"I ain't making no bluffs at nothing, Birsky," Finkman replied,"because, _Gott sei dank_, I don't got to steal other people's ideesto get busin
ess."
"Do you think I am stealing Adelstern's idee of this here mutual aidsociety, Finkman?" Birsky demanded, abandoning his soup and glaring athis competitor.
"We don't think nothing, Birsky," Adelstern said; "because, whether youstole it _oder_ you didn't stole it, Birsky, you are welcome to it. Andif you would send round to my place this afternoon yet I would giveyou, free for nothing, a lot of bats and balls and other _Bobkies_ justso good as new, which I ain't got no use for no more."
"What d'ye mean, you ain't got no use for 'em?" Birsky demanded. Hebegan to feel a sense of uneasiness that made nauseating the idea of_eingedaempftes Kalbfleisch_.
"Why, I mean I am giving up my mutual aid society," Adelstern replied."It's taking up too much of my time--especially now, Mr. Birsky, whenEschenbach could hang round my place all he wants to, understand me; hewouldn't give me no peace at all."
For a brief interval Birsky stared blankly at Adelstern.
"Especially now!" he exclaimed. "What are you talking about, especiallynow?"
"Why, ain't you heard?" Adelstern asked in feigned surprise.
"I ain't heard nothing," Birsky said hoarsely.
"Do you mean to told me," Finkman interrupted, "that you ain't heard ityet about Eschenbach?"
"I ain't heard nothing about Eschenbach," Birsky rejoined.
"Then read this," Finkman said, thrusting a marked copy of the _DailyCloak and Suit Review_ under Birsky's nose; and ringed in blue pencilwas the following item:
CORDOVA, OHIO--Jonas Eschenbach to Retire. Jonas Eschenbach's department store is soon to pass into new hands, and Mr. Eschenbach will take up his future residence in the city of New York. Negotiations for the purchase of his business, which have been pending for some time, were closed Saturday, and Mr. Eschenbach has been summoned from New York, where he has been staying for the last few days, to conclude the details of the transaction. The purchaser's name has not yet been disclosed.
As Louis laid down the paper he beckoned to the waiter. "Never mindthat _Kalbfleisch_," he croaked. "Bring me only a tongue sandwich and acup coffee. I got to get right back to my store."
By a quarter to six that afternoon the atmosphere of Birsky & Zapp'soffice had been sufficiently cleared to permit a relatively calmdiscussion of Eschenbach's perfidy.
"That's a _Rosher_ for you--that Eschenbach!" Birsky exclaimed for thehundredth time. "And mind you, right the way through, that crook knewhe wasn't going to give us no orders yet!
"But," he cried, "we got the crook dead to rights!"
"What d'ye mean, we got him dead to rights?" Zapp inquired listlessly.
"Don't you remember," Birsky went on, "when he hits the _Schlag_ thereyesterday, which injured Golnik and Bogin, he says to us he seen it allthe time where they was standing and he was meaning to hit 'em with theball?"
Zapp nodded.
"And don't you remember," Birsky continued, "I says to him did he doneit on purpose, and he said sure he did?"
Zapp nodded again and his listlessness began to disappear.
"Certainly, I remember," he said excitedly, "and he also says to us weshouldn't think it was an accident at all."
Birsky jumped to his feet to summon the stenographer.
"Then what's the use talking?" he cried. "We would right away write aletter to Golnik and Bogin they should come down here to-morrow and wewill help 'em out."
"_Aber_ don't you think, if we would say we would help 'em out,understand me, they would go to work and get an idee maybe we are goingto pay 'em a sick benefit yet?"
"Sick benefit nothing!" Birsky said. "With the sick benefit we arethrough already; and if it wouldn't be that the bank is closed,understand me, I would right away go over to the Kosciusko Bank andtransfer back that five hundred dollars, which I wouldn't take nochances, even if Feldman did say that without the 'as' the 'Treasurer'don't go at all."
"Do it to-morrow morning first thing," Zapp advised; "and write Golnikand Bogin they should come down here at eleven o'clock, y'understand;so that when they get here, understand me, we could show 'em if theyare going to make a claim against the mutual aid society, Birsky, theyare up against it for fair."
When the two partners arrived at their place of business the followingmorning at eight o'clock, however, their plans for the dissolution ofthe mutual aid society were temporarily forgotten when, upon enteringtheir office, they discerned the bulky figure of Henry Feigenbaumseated in Birsky's armchair.
"Honestly, boys," Feigenbaum said as he bit off the end of a cigar,"the way you are keeping me waiting here, understand me, it would ofserved you right if I would of gone right over to Adelstern's and givehim the order instead of you, y'understand; _aber_ the way Adelsterntreats Jonas Eschenbach, understand me, I would rather die as buy adollar's worth of goods from that _Rosher_."
"What d'ye mean, the way Adelstern treats Eschenbach?" Birsky asked.
"Why, just so soon as Eschenbach tells him he is going to sell out,"Feigenbaum continued, "Adelstern right away disbands his mutual aidsociety; and he also just so good as tells Eschenbach to his face,y'understand, that all this baseball business was a waste of time,understand me, and he only done it to get orders from Eschenbach! And aman like Eschenbach, which he is a philanthropist and a gentleman,understand me, takes the trouble he should give Adelstern pointersabout this here mutual aid society, which they are a blessing to bothemployers and employees, _verstehst du mich_, all I could say is thatAdelstern acts like a loafer in throwing the whole thing up justbecause Eschenbach quits!"
"_Aber_, Mr. Feigenbaum," Birsky said, while a puzzled expression cameover his face, "I thought you said when you was here last time thatEschenbach goes too far in such things."
"When I was here last," Feigenbaum replied, "was something else again;but when I left here Friday, understand me, right up till the lastminute Eschenbach says no, he wouldn't let twenty thousand of thepurchase price remain on a real-estate mortgage of the store property.When I got to Cordova Saturday morning my lawyers there says thatEschenbach stood ready to close the deal on them terms, y'understand,provided I would let the old man look after our store's employees'association, which I certainly agreed to; and so I bought his businessthere and then, and I must got to buy at least five thousand dollarsgoods before Wednesday morning for shipment by ten days already."
"You bought Eschenbach's store!" Zapp exclaimed.
Feigenbaum wriggled in Birsky's chair, which fitted him like a glove;and after he had freed himself he rose ponderously.
"_Aber_ one moment, Mr. Feigenbaum," Birsky pleaded. "Did I understoodyou to say that Eschenbach is to look after the mutual aid society inyour store?"
"I hope you ain't getting deef, Birsky," Feigenbaum replied.
"And you agreed to that?" Zapp cried.
"I certainly did," Feigenbaum said; "which, as I told you before, I amcoming to believe that this here mutual aid society business is anelegant thing already, boys. And Eschenbach tells me I should tell youthat if he don't get here by next Sunday you should warm up thatpitcher and catcher of yours, as he would sure get down to New York bythe Sunday after."
Birsky led the way to the showroom with the detached air of asomnambulist, while Zapp came stumbling after.
"And one thing I want to impress on you boys," Feigenbaum concluded:"you want to do all you can to jolly the old boy along, understand me,on account I might want to raise ten or fifteen thousand dollars fromhim for some alterations I got in mind."
* * * * *
"Zapp," Birsky cried after he had ushered Feigenbaum into the elevatorat ten minutes to eleven, "I am going right over to the Kosciusko Bankand----"
"What are you going to do?" Zapp cried in alarm, "transfer back thatfive hundred dollars after what Feigenbaum tells us?"
"Transfer nothing!" Birsky retorted. "I am going over to the KosciuskoBank, understand me, and I am going to change that account. So, whenthem _Roshoyim_ come in here, Zapp, tell 'em to wait
till I get back.By hook or by crook we must got to get 'em to come to work by to-morrowsure, the way we would be rushed here--even if we must pay 'em ahundred dollars apiece!"
Zapp nodded fervently.
"_Aber_ why must you got to go over to the bank now, Birsky?" heinsisted.
"Because I don't want to take no more chances," Birsky replied; "whichI would not only put in the 'as,' understand me, but I would write onthe bank's signature card straight up and down what the thing reallyis"--he coughed impressively to emphasize the announcement--"LouisBirsky," he said, "as Treasurer of the Mutual Aid Society Employees ofBirsky & Zapp!"
The Competitive Nephew Page 6