by J S Grey
“I don’t want to talk about this, Lisa.” I turn back to the table, placing my elbows on the surface and resting my forehead onto my fists.
“Well fucking tough!” she barks. “We are going to talk about it because it’s been three fucking years Niall.”
I grind my teeth together, not wanting to snap at her, but also very aware that she is in my apartment, above my bar, shouting at her boss.
“Listen, I know you miss him, you’re going to miss him for the rest of your life. I miss him too.” She reaches across and rests her hand on my arm. “But do you think you are honouring him by doing this?”
I turn to look at her, my anger simmering under the surface. “Doing what?” I snap.
“By not living? By just existing in this space? By not letting yourself love again?” She regards me sadly, tears welling in her eyes. “Is that what he wanted for you?”
I don’t want to answer because I want the answer to be an absolute yes. I want Malachi to expect me to pine for him for the rest of my life, to never look at another man, and to die just waiting for him to rescue me from this life, just like he’d rescued me from my old life.
But that wouldn’t be the Malachi that I loved, that everyone loved. He was kind and generous to a fault, he would sacrifice everything if only just to make me smile for a moment.
I shake my head at her, a tear falling free and landing on my arm.
“I had a long conversation with him, you know, about you.”
I jerk my head up and wipe my cheek with the back of my hand. “Who, Blake?”
“No, silly boy,” she chides, “Malachi. A couple of months before the accident.”
I stare at her waiting for her to continue. Malachi was not the type of person to be speaking behind my back without a very valid fucking reason. “What about?”
“About this, actually.” She smiles, and my brain is so fucking lost. I don’t know whether I’m losing my mind or she is. “Do you remember early in the year when Mal caught that fucker of a flu?”
Remember it? That was one of the worst moments of my life. He had started off just feeling really drained and coughing a lot, until one night when he came downstairs to help me close up. I’d been locking the doors and came back to the bar to find him collapsed on one of the chairs. He’d been rushed to the hospital. The doctors had told us he had a severe chest infection and would need to stay in hospital to receive fluids and antibiotics because they believed a bacterial infection caused it. I’d been beside myself with panic, but he had convinced me to go home to take a shower, rest, and bring him back some stuff from the apartment. I’d left Lisa there with him, watching over him when I wasn't able to.
“Yeah, it was horrible,” I say grimly.
“You’d gone back to the apartment,” Lisa starts, rubbing her hands together on the table. “You hadn’t been gone five minutes when Mal started getting intense pains in his chest. He was terrified, he thought he was having a heart attack. We called for a doctor, but they assured him it was just the pain from the chest infection and that he would be ok in a couple of days. It scared him, though.”
“He never said anything,” I whisper, shocked.
“Yeah, he swore me to secrecy,” she laughs. “He said that if you caught wind of him having any chest pains, you would likely stop him from cooking a full Irish breakfast every weekend. He said you used to constantly bitch that black pudding is just fat.”
I chuckle weakly. “Because it is, pig’s blood, fat, and gristle.” I shudder.
“Well anyway, when the doctors left I told him not to worry, that he would be fine and that I’d help you guys for as long as you needed me because I love you guys.” I put my hand over hers to stop her wringing her fingers. “He said that the scare had got him thinking about you.”
“About me?”
“Yeah, like if something ever happened to him, who would look after you.”
“Lisa, I don’t know if you have seen me recently but I’m a pretty big boy. I don’t need anyone to look after me.”
She shrugs and continues. “Niall, you were his. He wanted to look after you, and he wanted to make sure that there would be someone to look after you when he was gone. I just volunteered.”
My heart somehow constricts and fills at the same time. I was so lucky to have Lisa as my friend.
“Mal made some requests and a wish.” She went over to her bag which she had left on the counter and pulled out a sheet of paper. She comes back to the table and hands it to me.
“What’s this?” I ask, holding the small square of paper in my open palm.
“It’s from Mal, he told me to give it to you when the time was right.” She reaches across and squeezes my arm. “I think that’s now. I’m going to go start opening up downstairs. You take your time.” She gives my arm one last squeeze and leaves the apartment.
My heart is racing, I’m not ready for this. What I hold in my hand is the last time Malachi will ever speak to me. I never thought I’d get to hear him speak to me again, but that's what this is, the last thing Mal will ever say to me. I grab my tea from the table and move to the small window seat, overlooking the street below. Taking a seat, I open the letter.
The Letter
Hi honey,
So, hopefully, one day, Lisa will pass this letter back to both of us when we are all old and knocking back tequila shots at our bar, recounting the good old days and swapping stories about our grandkids.
That’s what I hope; if you’re reading this and I’m not by your side, then it means I’ve passed. Just know, that is the only reason I would ever leave you. Niall, you are everything to me, and I need you to know that there has not been a single day in all the time we have been together that I’ve ever regretted.
I want you to know that I am so sorry that I asked you all those years ago to come out to your parents. If I had even an inkling that things might have gone down the way they did… Well, no, I can’t say I would have asked you not to tell them because that might have meant we never got to have our life together, and I can never wish for that. They couldn’t have known what they were losing when they lost you, because you're the best person I know.
If I’m gone I’m going to need you to do a few things for me:
First thing - If the bar is not the place for you anymore, then just sell. I know you came around to the idea of living in New York because it’s what I wanted, but if it's not your passion, then find what that new passion is and don’t let anything or anyone stop you.
Secondly - You have to find your sister. I know you’re afraid that your parents will have warped her mind and she won’t want to see you, but I see you missing her every day. You need her. Promise me.
Thirdly - Give yourself a break. You’re always so responsible, looking after me, the bar, Lisa and our friends. Give yourself a chance to be silly and free. I think you might enjoy it.
Fourth - Once a week, eat a massive greasy breakfast. I feel so guilty tucking into my fry-up while you sit there with a banana and yogurt. It’s just not natural.
You’re going to be back soon with my things so I’ll sign off here. I have a wish that I need you to make come true.
Fall in Love.
Please, I need to know you’re not alone in the world. I want you to love and be loved. Love with all your heart, the way I love you, and the way I know you love me.
I’ll always be a part of you, the same way I know I’ll take a piece of you with me.
Be safe, be happy, and please don’t forget me.
Your Malachi xxx
Chapter Five
Blake
There are places in New York where you feel most at home. For some people, it’s their apartments, the park, a coffee shop, a store. For me, it's the roof of my apartment building. Completely bare, except for the fans and air conditioning units and a single lawn chair that I’d dragged up here a few months ago when I’d moved in.
At dusk, like it is now, the lingering heat from the last rays of s
unlight warms my skin and gives me an all-over tingle that I can’t explain. The smell from the surrounding buildings’ roof gardens infuses the air with a slight perfume without being overwhelming. It’s the perfect place for me to write new songs or just play riffs on my guitar.
I’d moved in with a friend from back home in Boston rather than take up the offers of the guys in the band to crash in their spare rooms. Cinder Faith had recently been picked up by a local small-time record label who had promised us big things. They’d had us in a recording studio every weekday morning for weeks writing and recording new material. I loved my little slice of paradise away from the rest of the band.
This evening however, I’m finding it difficult to think of any music to play. It's like the inspiration has been ripped from me, leaving me only with a hollow in my chest that apparently whiskey can’t fill. I’d tried. It didn’t work.
Ever since I’d walked into Malachi’s Place, Niall had caught my attention. His tall frame stacked with hard muscle, the material of his t-shirts so tight they look like they might tear from him like the Hulk. His silky hair falling across his face, getting in his eyes at times, so that he would be forced to blow the strands away so he could see. There’d been nights when I’d sat at the bar and had to dig my fingers into my thighs to stop myself from reaching across and running my hands through that hair.
But there was a sadness in his eyes, an emptiness that I just wanted to help make disappear. I’d watch him flirt with customers, both men and women, in a friendly way. Never with me, though. He would keep himself distant from me. Sure we would shoot the shit, but he would never have that relaxed, easygoing banter that he would have with everyone else, and it made me fucking insane.
I lost my heart to Niall many moons ago, and I had come to accept the fact that he would never be mine. Then last night happened and I finally got a taste of him, a taste of what we could have.
And just like that, it’s been all ripped away. That old saying ‘better to have loved and lost’ is a crock of shit. I still have the taste of Niall in my mouth and I can’t see a time when I won’t want that again.
I sit down in the lawn chair, my guitar across my chest as I pluck lazily at the strings. The night air is filled with the sounds of the city, soothing me.
“That’s not one I’ve ever heard you play before.”
I jump out of the chair like my ass is on fire. Like I've summoned him here, Niall stands just a few feet away. Holy shit. I have to fight the urge to run to him, to tear all those fucking tight well-fitted clothes from him. To finally get a taste of him as he did me.
“What are you doing here? How did you get up here?” I asked in quick succession, not really caring either way, only giving a shit that he is actually here in front of me. That has to be a good sign, right?
“Your roommate let me in and told me where you’d be. I hope that’s ok?” He looks so nervous like I might ask him to get out. Kind of like he did to me, but I’d known what the issue was there, and I hadn’t been overly surprised.
“Yeah, it’s ok, you’re welcome here anytime.”
He smiles at me and nods his head.
“So yeah, I might have been a bit of a dick to you last night,” he says after a quiet minute. I start to say something, but he holds his hands up to let me know he isn’t finished. “No, I was, it’s been difficult for me, since Malachi died, to get close to anyone. So I haven’t. At all.”
“What do you mean you haven’t…?” I gesture with my hand for him to continue.
“No one since Malachi.” He shakes his head.
“But you’re always flirting with those guys at the bar,” I say, grinding my teeth a bit, hating the thought of him flirting with anyone who isn’t me.
He laughs. “Why are you growling?” His eyes are alight with amusement.
“I’m not!” I bite out.
“You are,” he chuckles, “You’re still doing it.”
I hang my head a little, caught in the act. “I don’t like it when you flirt with other guys. It pisses me off,” I bite out through clenched teeth. I feel a smile fighting its way onto my lips as I see the adorable flush creeping up his neck.
“You don’t, huh?”
“No, I fucking don’t.” I put my guitar down on the lawn chair and move towards him, crowding him against a tall air conditioning unit. “I hate that you would laugh with them, touch them, and not with me.” He sucks in a breath. “Never with me.”
His hand comes up to rest against my chest. “Do you think it was easy for me? To see you with those girls. You had your mouth on then and all I wanted to do was close the fucking bar so they’d have to leave you alone.”
A wave of happiness fills my body. His hands travel up my chest and rub down my arms, gripping me by the forearms. He stops and locks eyes with me, his gaze becoming serious. “I’m not going to say this is going to be easy, but I’m willing to try if you are.”
I make an effort not to do a happy dance, instead of biting my lower lip sharply to hold back the smile that threatens to crack my face.
“One other thing Blake,” he whispers.
“Mhmm?” I ask, my mouth moving inches forward towards his.
“I don’t fucking share,” he growls.
“Thank fuck for that.” I get out before his mouth slams down against mine.
It’s like we both have a hundred hands. I quickly shuck the jacket off his shoulders before lifting the t-shirt over his head. Sex on a roof - classy? Maybe not, but that's what had to happen right now, or I would come out of my skin, and from Niall’s reaction, I would guess the same thing would happen to him.
“Get naked!” I bark out. He chuckles quietly, locking eyes with me as he unbuttons his jeans, sliding them down his thighs and kicking them off his feet along with his tan boots. He stands there in only white boxer briefs, and I feel my whole mouth fill with saliva. “Holy fuck,” I breathe as I see the impressive bulge pushing against the thin material of his shorts.
“Like what you see, baby?” he says, pushing the heel of his palm against his protruding bulge. I nod, my eyes unblinking, not able to tear my gaze away. He squeezes his cock through his shorts, and I break. I quickly strip out of my remaining clothes, standing naked in front of him. He moves towards me, licking his lips like he is making a beeline for my dick.
“Uh uh,” I say, falling to my knees in front of him, “my turn.” I shove his hand out of the way and nuzzle my nose into the crease between his thigh and his balls and inhale him in. He smells unbelievable, something I could definitely get addicted to. I run my open mouth along the outlines of his cock through his underwear, wetting the material with my tongue. He pushes his hips forward, looking for friction. Taking mercy on him I pull down his briefs and swallow his cock down my throat.
“Oh my god, oh fuck,” he moans, reaching behind himself to grip the hard metal of the air conditioning unit. I hollow out my cheeks, sucking him hard with each thrust of his hips. I move my hands around him, gripping onto two muscle globes. I slide my fingertip down the crease of his butt, and the shiver running through his body vibrates through me. “Ungh.” The sound emanates from deep in his throat; he pushes his ass back, trying to force my finger deeper into his crevice.
I pull off his dick for a second. “Don’t worry, Niall, I’m getting there. You want me in here?” I ask, tapping my fingertip against his hole.
“Oh fuck yeah, please, I need you inside me.” His hand reaches around and rests on top of mine, forcing my finger into his hole alongside his. “Oh god, that's it.” The lilt of his accent presses all my buttons. I pull back away from him and turn him round, so his body is pressed up against the cool metal surface.
“What are you doing?” he moans, craning his neck over his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, it’s just you and me, ok?” I ask, my fingertip still pressed firmly inside his hole.
He nods and then turns back around, his forehead leaning forward.
I massage the globes of
his ass with my palms, my fingertip lining the crevice in the middle. Rushing forward, I part his cheeks wide and ram my tongue into his hole. “Oh my god!” A squeal comes from him, higher-pitched than I thought he was capable of with his normal deep baritone. I chuckle for a moment before dipping my tongue back inside him. I stretch him out with my tongue and my fingers until he is panting hard and fucking my fingers with a desperate urgency.
“I need you in me now, Blake!” he shouts. “No more messing about.”
Suddenly a realisation hits me like a bucket of cold water. “I don’t have any protection with me,” I moan.
A deep growl comes from my guy as his fist punches the surface of the metal. He reaches around and grabs my hand. “I haven’t been with anyone else for years, and I had my annual physical a few months ago, I’m clean.”
I rush to pick up my trousers, fishing out my phone from the pocket and opening up my recent text messages. “I haven’t hooked with anyone in about 8 months now, but here is my text from the health clinic from a month ago, all clear.”
He grins wide, spits into his palm, and grabs my dick, massaging his saliva along the length, pulling me to him.
“Are you sure?” I ask him, my forehead resting against his back.
He pushes his ass out towards me, the head of my cock pressing against the tight muscle of his entrance. I guess that answers my question. I spit onto my fingertips, lubing his hole up a bit before pushing slowly inside him. I’m more girthy and lengthy than normal, so I know to give him time to get used to me. I continue my slow move forward when he yells in frustration and impales himself on my dick in one swift push backward.
I almost blackout with sensation overload, nothing has ever felt as good as his ass wrapped about me, tugging me deeper from the inside.
“Please, hurry,” he gasps, “I’m so close.” He reaches down to grab his cock, so I bat his hand away. His orgasms are mine to give. Leaning over him as I thrust into him hard and fast, I make a circle with my fist and let him fuck that as I fuck him.