Cross Stroke

by Elizabeth Hartey

I don’t stop when Nikki greets me. I run up the stairs and collapse on to my bed.

  I don’t even try to hold back the flood of tears. How could he? After everything, how could he? My heart feels like it’s cracking open. This can’t be happening again, not with Dak.

  “Oh shit. What did the asshole do now?” Nikki is standing in my doorway shaking her head.

  “Nikki, how could he?” I sob. Before she can say another word, a loud knock rattles the front door.

  “Don’t…l-let…h-him in,” I hiccup between the sputtered words. I will not let this break me again. “I don’t want to see him, ever.” My heartbreak quickly morphs to anger.

  Another knock, even louder and more frenzied, shakes the door.

  “I got this,” Nikki says and heads down the stairs.

  “What did you do, asshole?” she snarls when she opens the door.

  “Nothing, Nikki. It’s a misunderstanding. Let me in.” Dak’s demanding voice floats up the stairs and my heart clenches in pain.

  “A misunderstanding. Yeah, I heard that one before. No way, hockey boy. She doesn’t want to see you.”

  “Nikki, I swear to God if you don’t move out of the way I’m going to—”

  “You’re going to what? Come on, douchebag. Let’s go. I’ve been dying to kick the shit out of one of you hockey sluts for a while now.”

  “Come on, Nikki. Let me in. I need to see her. I need to tell her…something.” I can hear the anguished plea in Dak’s voice. It almost makes my traitorous body want to run down the stairs and throw itself into his arms.

  After everything he said about it being just him and me, he didn’t even have the decency to tell me our time together was over before going back to Bri. And why would he end it exactly the same way Sean did, on this night of all nights? How could he be so cruel? Maybe he’s been seeing Bri all along. Just one big lie…again.

  “Go away, Dak. She doesn’t want to see you,” Nikki tells him again.

  “But we’re supposed to go to Newport for Christmas break tomorrow,” Dak insists.

  Shit. I forgot about that. My parents were looking forward to meeting Dak. I don’t know how I’m going to explain to them I did it again, allowed another lying, deceptive, snake into my heart. My mom will want to move in here to watch over me 24/7 after she finds out I made the same stupid mistakes.

  “You should’ve thought about that before you did whatever the fuck you did. Goodbye, Dakota.” My heart slams against my ribs when I hear the front door slam closed.

  “Merry Christmas,” I whisper.

  ***

  Dak

  I fucked up big time. I know it wasn’t my fault Bri ambushed me in my room. What was my fault was not telling Trace how much I love her before it happened. If she knew how I feel she might’ve given me a chance to explain. I should have told her she’s my sunrise, my sunset, my air, my water. She’s become my universe. Now she won’t even take my calls.

  I texted her about a thousand times over Christmas break with no response. I can’t even believe she was ever mine to lose, but I miss her so much my heart hurts. How do I breathe without my air or survive without my sunshine?

  “Dakota, open the door, honey.”

  “It’s open, Mom. You can come in.” I’m stretched out on my bed staring at the ceiling when my mom sits on the edge of the bed next to me.

  “Why don’t you come down and eat something, sweetheart? You’ve been in this room all week. Todd called. They’re going to Sunday River tomorrow. He thought you might like to go.” She brushes the hair out of my eyes the way she used to when I was little. “Heaven’s going. You should go and make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble. You know your sister.” She chuckles. I know she’s trying to make me feel better, but I can’t think about going to the slopes. The last time I was there I was with Trace. God, I miss her.

  “I don’t think so, Mom. I’m not in the mood for snowboarding.”

  “Dak?”

  “Yeah, Mom?”

  “What happened between you and Tracey?”

  “Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Okay, but…are you in love with her?”

  “Mom.”

  “Fine. We don’t have to talk about it. All I’m going to say is, if you love her…truly love her…don’t lose her. Fight for her, baby. I saw the way she looked at you when she was here. The girl is head over heels, as your dad would say. And we were so thrilled to see you smiling and happy again. Don’t give up on her.” She stands and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

  “Mom?” I call to her before she leaves.

  “Yes, sweetheart?”

  “Thanks.”

  “Follow your heart, baby boy.” She smiles and closes the door behind her.

  Follow my heart. Fight for her. How, if she won’t talk to me or take a call from me? I know Mom’s right, though. I may be able to live without Trace in my life, but I don’t want to. I need to get her back.

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-FOUR

  Tracey

  This may be the first Christmas ever I’m looking forward to getting back to classes. Having nothing to do over the break, I can’t stop thinking about Dak. I miss him so much. Even though he crushed my heart in almost the same way Sean did. I can’t help thinking it must be me. Beyond having the faulty ability to choose the right guy, what’s wrong with me that I’m not enough for the man I love?

  Sitting on our front porch in Newport, taking in the view of the churning ocean, the thoughts of Dak swirl through my head like the lacy snowflakes swirling through the air.

  Dak would love this. I wonder what Dak’s doing now? I wonder if Dak is with Bri?

  It’s crazy how he became such a big part of my life in such a short time. Ugh. How did I let this happen? What happened to my Snow White plans?

  “Hey, honey. Sloane and I are headed out to a spinning class. Why don’t you come with us?”

  My family has fawned all over me the whole break because after telling them about Dak, they’re certain I’m going to slip back into self-destructive mode. I keep telling them they don’t need to worry, because that’s never going to happen again. I’m a different person than I was a few years ago.

  I’m all grown up and realize how valuable my life is with everything going for me and a bright future. I’m my own woman. I don’t need a guy to complete me. Yada, yada, yada. All the right platitudes keep swimming around in my head. I shouldn’t be flippant, because they’re more than platitudes. They’re my truths now. Nevertheless, I’m aching for Dak. I fell in love with him, and even though he crushed me with his dishonesty, I can’t just turn it off. But I know I need to. It’s the reason I deleted all his texts without reading them and haven’t answered any of his calls.

  “No thanks, Mom. I promised Dad we could play a one on one on the pond.”

  And I do not have the energy to keep up with you and Sloane in your spinning competition.

  “Okay, sweetie. See you in a bit. Don’t forget we’re going into town tonight for a nice dinner before you leave for school tomorrow. Make sure you take a shower and comb your hair.” She bends and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

  “I will, Mom. Don’t worry.”

  Um, I might have let myself go a little since coming home. Everything will be okay, though. I’ll get it together and be fine…eventually.

  ***

  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

  When I pull into my driveway on the Saturday before classes start again, I can’t miss the white sheet hanging across Dak’s front porch. The huge black letters on it read, “Sweet babe, in thy face soft desires I can TRACE.”

  He’s ridiculous. So why are there butterflies flitting around my insides?

  “OMG, girl! He’s quoting William Blake for you! Be still my heart!” Alex squeals when I walk through the door.

  “Hmmph. How do you know it’s not there for Bri?”

  “Bri? Oh please. Who would woo Bri with poetry when she’d open her legs
for a Chai Latte or even a plain old coffee for that matter?”

  He’s bad, but I can’t keep from smiling.

  “Hey, girl. We missed you,” Nikki calls from the kitchen. “I’m making dinner. You hungry?” She comes in the living room and we say hello with a shared hug.

  “Starving, as usual.”

  “Hey sorry about that.” She flicks her chin toward Dak’s house. “Dak kept bugging me, asking me if I had talked to you and when you were coming back. I finally caved and told him you would be back today and they hung the sheet thing this morning.”

  “They?”

  “Yeah. I couple of the other he-men over there helped him,’ Alex chimes in. “It’s not like I was spying on them or anything. I happened to be in the kitchen when they were hanging it. I saw them through the window, stretching up to reach the top of the porch and flashing all those lovely, chiseled abs.” Alex sighs and waves his hand in front of his face.

  “Well it’s ridiculous and he needs to take it down,” I say in an annoyed tone.

  He’s quoting poetry for me?

  The butterflies in my stomach swoon again. No. I’m too easy. He was fucking Bri, or about to!

  “I don’t know. The boy has it ba-ad for you. He’s moping all over campus, ambushing Nikki and me every time he sees us to ask about you. He’s a mess.”

  “Oh boo fucking hoo,” Nikki grumbles. “He deserves it for what he did. Let’s eat and change the subject.”

  “Yeah. Let’s change the subject before I lose my appetite,” I suggest.

  “Come on. There’s nothing that could make you lose your appetite,” Nikki teases.

  No, only the hollow in my heart from missing Dak so much.

  CHAPTER

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Dak

  We don’t have any classes together this semester so I don’t see Trace every day on campus. I catch glimpses of her every once in a while around campus or getting in and out of her car. She won’t even look at me.

  The team won the ECAC championship, which means we’ll get the automatic bid for the Frozen Four. The guys are celebrating like crazy. I can’t get into it. Nothing seems worth celebrating without Trace. I miss her laughter, her enthusiasm, her exuberance about everything, and yeah, I miss her body too. I even miss the way she beats me at everything. I just miss her.

  It’s been a month since Christmas break. The guys are sick of seeing me mope around all moony over her. Wolfe told me to, and I quote, “Stop acting like a girl. Go over there, throw her over your shoulder, carry her back here, and fuck her brains out.” He’s a fucking caveman. When I explained to him forcing myself on her could be considered rape he said, “Nah. The chick is totally in love with you, dude. You just need to remind her.”

  Caveman, like I said.

  I had a long talk with him about respecting women and their space and not going to jail. He shook his head and said, “Obviously, asshole. I didn’t mean you should force yourself on her. That’s disgusting. I’d beat the shit out of you if you did. I meant you should remind her how much she wants you and misses you. There won’t be any forcing involved.”

  Anyway, they all agreed to help me with my Win Trace Back Project. Since she won’t take my calls and I don’t know if she’s even reading my texts, I came up with the idea of the sheets, using some word play on her name. It’s fucking brilliant. She can’t miss those.

  Every few days we hang another one. After Blake I followed up on Tuesday with, Beauty is a precious TRACE that eternity causes to appear to us and that it takes away from us, by Ionessco. On Friday it was, When I TRACE at my pleasure the windings to and fro of the heavenly bodies I no longer touch Earth with my feet: I stand in the presence of Zeus himself, by Ptolemy.

  Thank goodness my crazy hippie chick mom made me read poetry and philosophy and shit when I was younger. She said it would help me grow into a more “sensitive” man all the ladies would love. That’s all she needed to say to convince me.

  This week I dipped into my music titles. First with, Lost without a TRACE, by North Road. Today we hung up Without a TRACE of Doubt in My Mind, by The Monkees. You never know where inspiration is going to come from.

  It’s Friday and the guys are setting up for our weekly party. I’m hanging in my room, trying to study. My mind keeps drifting back to Trace. If I can’t get her to soften up and talk to me using poetry what the fuck am I going to do?

  The front door opening with a crash against the wall behind it blasts me out of my thoughts. And then I hear the voice I’ve waited to hear for over a month.

  “Where is he?” she demands. Hmm, her voice isn’t exactly soft, but at least she’s here.

  “Tracey!” the guys shout. “Thank fuck.” Wolfe’s version of a prayer.

  “He’s in his room,” Dalt answers in a shaky voice. It’s incredible how that adorable girl can scare the crap out of those big macho cavemen. I think about going down to her, but decide it’s better if we talk alone in my room, so I wait for her to come up.

  “Is he alone?” she snarls in her cute as fuck angry voice.

  “Of course he’s alone. Haven’t been able to get him to look at another chick since you,” Wolfe grumbles.

  “Not that we tried to get him to look at another chick,” Batt quickly adds.

  I swear to Christ those guys are afraid of her. I chuckle to myself.

  When I hear Trace stomping up the steps, I go back to reading my notes and pretend I didn’t hear their conversation.

  “You.” She points a finger at me. “You need to stop this craziness right now.”

  The fiery little girl standing in my doorway reprimanding me is the cutest damn sight I’ve ever seen. I want to run to her and wrap my arms around her and never let her go, but I don’t want to scare her away before we get a chance to talk.

  “Hey, Trace. I missed you.” I stand up, but don’t take a step toward her.

  “I…I missed you too.” Her voice softens and she starts biting on her bottom lip.

  “Can we talk?”

  “First, promise me you’re going to stop putting up those ridiculous sheets. People are starting to give me nicknames like sheet girl and poetry girl.”

  “I heard someone call you Trasheet Hayward the other day. Thought it was pretty clever.”

  “Dak!”

  “Okay, okay. I promise.”

  “Okay then.” She’s shifting back and forth on her feet like she’s nervous. “So talk.”

  “Why don’t you close the door and have a seat?”

  “I’ll sit, but the door stays open.” She plops herself down on the edge of my bed.

  “That’s cool.” I hold back a smile. She’s so damn cute when she’s all feisty like this. I sit next to her on the edge of the bed.

  “I’m so sorry, Trace. You’ve got to know nothing happened between me and Bri. I didn’t even know she was here. She got here before me and was hiding in my bathroom or something.”

  “And?”

  “And I was lying on my bed thinking about you and she jumped on top of me. I was trying to pull her off when you came in.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay, you believe me?”

  “I suppose I have to. No guy would hang gooey poetry all over his front porch if he was fucking around with another girl.”

  When I try to pull her into my arms, she pushes me away.

  “No.” She stands up.

  “But if you believe me, please come back to me, baby. I know I was a total slut in the past, trying to use sex to numb my guilt. I don’t need or want that anymore. I only want you. I love you, Trace.” I’m trying not to beg, but if I need to, I’ll get down on my knees and beg her to take me back.

  “You…you love me?” she asks in a hushed voice and sits on the bed again.

  “So much. I should’ve told you a long time ago. I was afraid it would scare you away. I was going to tell you the night of the show. Then the shit went down with Bri and you wouldn’t see me or take my calls. I miss y
ou, baby girl. Come back to me, please.” I stand and reach for her, but she holds her hand out to stop me again.

  “Dak, listen. I was a mess over the break. Missing you, hurting, thinking about you.”

  “Oh baby…” she puts a finger over my lips to shush me the way she does. I shiver from the slight touch. My body’s aching for her.

  “I had time to think about a lot of things. I love you too, Dak.” My heart does a backflip. “But…” and then it crashes down to my stomach, “I need some time. I was a disaster for a long time before I came to Bernard. You helped me get rid of all the awful anxiety I was hanging on to. I think I helped you a little too…get over some of your guilt about Abbey. Somewhere in there, even though I tried to fight it, I fell in love with you.”

  God. I want to touch her, hold her, kiss her.

  “I fell apart a little bit again when I thought you lied to me. I don’t want to need a guy to hold me together anymore. I need some time on my own. I want to find a way to be strong all by myself without leaning on you or anyone else. I think you might need that too, find out if you can get past your guilt about Abbey without using sex to numb your feelings. I think I should take some time to find out if I can be strong by myself, before I’m strong with you, and I think you should too.”

  “How…how much time?”

  I hate this. What if needing time is just another way to say she’s done and never coming back? Although she did say she loves me. I’ll have to hang onto that and give her the time she says she needs.

  “I don’t know. Maybe weeks. Maybe months. We’ll see.”

  “I’ll wait for you, Trace. I’ll wait as long as it takes.” She leans in and brushes my lips with hers and the fissure in my heart cracks open.

  “Bye, Dakota. I love you,” she says and walks toward the door.

  “Bye, Tracey. I love you too.” She’s already gone and doesn’t hear me. I’m falling in love, am in love and she’s walking away. But I have to let her go, give her the space she says she needs. That doesn’t mean I’m done trying to find a way to win her back.