Are you as scared as I am?
You should be.
Yours cruelly,
Unknown Seonder
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Where I’ll Do It–15
Hey Joe—
Did I hurt your precious little feelings, scolding you in that last email?
I know I was firm. But you needed a firm talking to.
Stop being so sensitive. Just because you didn’t like the lecture doesn’t mean you’re allowed to ignore me.
Remember our deal? I email you, and you email me back.
If you don’t email me back, I can’t be responsible for what happens to sweet, innocent, Baby Bella.
I hope you get the message. Reply, or live with the consequences.
Life is consequences, Joe. It’s all about living with decisions.
Even if the decisions are forced.
Sometimes others can force us to do things. Sometimes we force ourselves to do things that we don’t want to do.
Do you understand urges? Compulsions?
Are you on any prescription medication?
I am. A bunch.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. A mental illness is a physical thing. Like a burst appendix. Or a broken leg that Daddy keeps breaking over and over again, because you’re naughty.
Gotta say, though, it’s tough to take a lot of pills every day. Sometimes multiple times a day.
I don’t like how they make me feel.
I don’t like how much they cost.
And sometimes I forget to take them.
Which is bad. Because when I forget, bad things happen.
My brain gets all mixed up. Sort of like I’m dreaming, but at the same time I’m hyper alert and paying attention to every detail. I mean like EVERY detail. Like I can stare at someone and see the blood flowing under their skin, even the tiniest veins and capillaries. Like squiggly red snakes. And I can hear it pump. Not soft, like a snake moves, but loud like big elephant stomps.
Sometimes the blood talks to me.
I know, that sounds crazy, right?
But it says it wants to be free.
Think about that. About being blood, trapped inside a body, going around and around over and over.
Wouldn’t you want to escape?
Shouldn’t I help the blood escape?
Where are my meds? Did I forget to pick them up at the pharmacy again?
My parole officer is gonna be real mad…
PUZZLE #15
Watt instead of what
Plane instead of plain
Flew instead of flue
Rain instead of rein
Boar instead of bore
Seed instead of cede
Berry instead of bury
The difference is what you need.
Like it or not, poetry is dead.
There is still a need for it. At least there is musically. A lyricist is a kind of poet.
But the days of unadorned ee cummings, of fog on cat’s feet and mermaids singing each to each and raging against the dying of the light and starving hysterical naked best minds destroyed—those days are over.
But I find comfort in my puzzle poems. Brain teasing nursery rhymes with hidden meanings.
The sad truth is, poems don’t matter to anyone but the poet.
You die with them.
That said, let’s get back to the puzzle.
SPOILER ALERT!
The answer has a salinity of about 3.5%.
Think you’ve figured it out?
If not, don’t you pout.
Because you can still get it.
Even though you’ll regret it…
Yours in eternal rhyme,
Unknowwn Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
Dear US—
I see your points.
But if you really want to be BFFs, it’s a two-way street.
Threatening to hurt someone, especially a child, isn’t something friends do.
From your emails, I get the idea that you’ve been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship with your father.
My advice is for you to be careful you don’t do the same things that your father did.
I’m impressed by the creativity and thought that goes into your puzzles. And as far as your writing goes, you certainly have talent.
Your buddy,
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Where I’ll Do It–16
Dear my buddy Joe—
So you realized vinegar wasn’t working, and decided to try honey?
Do you actually think you can pretend to like me and I’ll be so impressed that the bestselling self-pubbed asshole is making an effort that I give up my wicked ways and accept Jesus as my lord and savior?
Eat shit, Konrath.
For our entire relationship, you’ve been trying to manipulate me. First, by being a jerk. Now, by playing nice.
You still haven’t learned how this works.
I send you puzzles. You try to get the few brains cells you have to work hard enough to solve them.
I send you email. You do me the courtesy of responding.
I call you an asshole. You reply with, “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”
You can’t play me. You can’t figure me out. And you certainly can’t change me with your pathetic appeals to friendship.
Do you understand the rules yet? Or am I going to visit my neighbor with a roll of cling wrap, and shut that wailing baby up for good?
Now stay on point and answer the following question.
Is a picture worth a thousand words?
More than a thousand?
Less?
When I was in school, and had to write an essay that was a thousand words, it seemed like it would take me the rest of my life.
Remember the days before computers? Before a word processing program could instantly tell you how many words you’ve written, and you had to count by hand?
Not that I’m bad at counting. One time, when I poured boiling hot grease in a nest of baby birds, Daddy made me count all the grains of rice in a one-pound box.
There were 30,194.
Sometimes I count things just for fun. Like my games.
I have 2563 games. Board games, card games, puzzles, video games, and so on.
I don’t play many of them anymore. Since Nicky went away.
I miss Nicky.
My living room has wood floors, and there are 648 slats.
I have 58 utensils in my utensil drawer.
I have 6 knives in the knife rack. The rack holds 7 knives, but I had to get rid of one.
I have 3 televisions, 2 laptops, 0 telephones, 16 hammers (I like hammers), 4 pairs of shoes, and 2 bodies in my attic.
They used to drip. But I put some plastic down.
Do you like to count, Joe?
Would you like to try a counting puzzle?
Take a good look at this picture.
PUZZLE #16
Add up all the dice.
Simple, right?
Well, maybe not simple.
The trick to counting is to be able to know what you’ve already counted, so you don’t count it twice.
What are you reading this on? Your computer? A tablet? Your phone?
I suggest you take a black marker, and cross out the numbers you’ve counted by writing on the screen.
If you do that, post a picture on your website. That would be funny.
Do I even need to give a hint for this one?
Okay. Here’s a hint for you.
Are you ready?
Here it comes…
SPOILER ALERT!
Have you tried counting?
I’m laughing right now, Joe. Maybe it’s a medication thing. Maybe it’s insanity. But I think that’s pretty funny.
Yes, I did say insanity.
Did you think that insane people don’t know they’re in
sane?
Here’s an analogy maybe you’ll understand. You’re going on vacation to some island resort, which you probably do all the time with all that fat ebook money you’re pulling in, and when you get to the hotel you realize you don’t have a swimsuit.
That’s what being crazy feels like. You know something is missing. You know it is important. And you blame yourself for not having it.
So the only thing you can do is run on the beach, stark naked, cutting everyone you see with that seventh knife you brought from the knife rack. Then you bury it in the sand so the sand crabs eat the DNA.
Maybe I should put some sand crabs in my attic.
Besties,
Unknowm Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
Your puzzle tricked me, until I figured out exactly what you were asking for.
Good one.
I hope you tell me more about Nicky. He seems fascinating.
Also, you mentioned Timmy in one of your earlier emails. Is he real? I’d like to hear more about him and his earaches.
Best,
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Where I’ll Do It–17
Dear Nicky—
I miss you so much and I’m so so sorry for what I did and I hope you forgive me because we had something special you were like a brother to me and now you’re gone and it’s all my fault.
PUZZLE #17
ASPARAGUS
BITTERSWEET
CANARY
DANDELION
DENIM
EGGPLANT
MANATEE
SALMON
TIMBERWOLF
TUMBLEWEED
You love puzzles right Nicky so tell me how the above are all related tell me what they are and then you’ll solve it and if you need a hint I’ll give you a hint right here.
SPOILER ALERT!
You’re looking for a seven-letter word, ending in s.
Sorry sorry sorry Nicky I’m so sorry sorry sorry.
Sorry,
Unknown Sendey
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
Hey US—
You okay? That last email, you addressed it to Nicky.
It was an extremely clever puzzle, and I needed Google to figure out what all the words had in common. Even then I still needed the hints on your website.
Well done, sir.
Hope you’re doing well.
All best,
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Where I’ll Do It–18
Joe—
Did you ever accidentally hit send on an email before you were finished editing it?
That’s what I did.
I was trying to be funny, to make a joke, and then I sent it before I could fix it.
I’m fine. Really.
Don’t bring it up again.
Besides, you’ve got enough to worry about.
I have a question for a hotshot writer such as yourself. How do you deal with all of the negative reviews of your work?
I mean, you’ve literally had THOUSANDS of bad reviews.
How do you deal? Do you get depressed? Maybe drink too much? Eat too much?
Are you taking medication for it?
I wouldn’t blame you if you did. Here’s an online review that a fan did of one of your books. It was so blunt that I just had to share it and turn it into a puzzle.
“This book was awful, and so disgusting that Konrath should be put in jail. The guy don’t have a thimble full of talent. I got real mad that I wasted my time reading this dumb book. It takes place in Indiana, and is full of stupid characters, graphic violence, a dumb plot, and real bad writing. I’m sorry I took a chance on it. If I had to sum up the book in one short line, it would be ‘this sucks’.”
I know what you’re thinking, Joe. That I wrote the review. And that maybe you can trace it to me.
I encourage you to stop thinking. You’re good at not thinking.
Worry less about who wrote it, and more about what it is trying to say.
PUZZLE #18
There are six sentences in the above paragraph, and each sentence contains one reference. Once you figure out what it is referring to, take the first letter of each of those seven words, put them in reverse alphabetical order, and that’s your answer.
So there’s a deeper meaning here, other than your book is lousy. Stop thinking about yourself for two seconds, okay?
Focus on the puzzle.
Did you forget why you’re doing this?
I’m going to murder someone. If you don’t stop me, their death will be on your head.
Need a clue?
SPOILER ALERT!
Of course it’s a game. Haven’t you figured that out yet?
Nicky would have really enjoyed this.
Wait… did I ever tell you what happened to Nicky?
I don’t think I have.
And I don’t think I’m ready yet.
But I will. Soon.
You work on the puzzle. I’ll work on summoning up my nerve.
Wistfully,
Unnknown Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
Since you asked, I don’t read my reviews. All opinions are valid, and I’m grateful to be reviewed by anyone, even if it is negative. If a reader didn’t like one of my books, that’s my fault for failing them. But there isn’t much I can do at that point. It’s like closing the barn door after the cow has already left.
All I can do is keep trying my best and try to be a good person.
It’s all any of us can do, right?
Hope you’re okay.
Best,
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: Where I’ll Do It–19
Joe—
I liked you better when you were being a dick.
How are those kid gloves you’re wearing? So tight they are cutting off circulation to your tiny brain?
I want you to be you when you write me. Not walking on tippy-toes, in constant fear you’ll incur my wrath.
I lived like that. Trust me, you wouldn’t like it.
So instead of trying to warm fuzzy me to death with your saccharin concern and empty platitudes, just man up and be real.
And, I gotta say, constantly having to correct you on your tone is becoming weary. We have a game to play.
So let’s play it.
Do you enjoy the holidays, Joe? That wonderful time of year where everyone beats each other up over giving and getting gifts?
You could probably guess that I didn’t like the holidays much when I was a kid. But one of my fondest memories was when Nicky and I went to a nursing home for Thanksgiving to visit a few of the elderly who didn’t have families.
That was my first time.
I’m not talking about sex, Joe. Either with Nicky, or with any of the old folks.
I’m talking about gently taking out an IV, softly pinching an oxygen tube, and watching, with eyes bright and wide, as some ancient hag went from barely living to entirely dead.
It was my gift to her. And my gift to myself.
Speaking of gifts, there are sure a lot of gifts given in the famous song “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.
Do you know how many gifts are actually given? Let’s call that number “Z”.
PUZZLE #19
Now solve this equation:
Z + Maids a Milking x Golden Rings (Ladies Dancing ÷ French Hens)3 =
I’m guessing, by your liberal arts career, that you weren’t big on STEM. By that, of course, I mean science, technology, engineering, and math.
So you’re probably struggling with the above equation. Here’s a hint.
SPOILER ALERT!
Remember your PEMDAS!
You’ll no doubt ha
ve to look that up.
People like you are the reason the US is falling behind to the rest of the world when it comes to innovation. Other countries are curing diseases and solving the problems of humanity, and morons like you are writing schlocky stories that bring down the collective IQ.
Maybe you should add some puzzles to your books, Joe. Give your readers a little bit of mental stimulation to go along with the well-worn plots and drawn-out clichés and uninspired character tropes.
But wait… what is this I see on www.jakonrath.com/stop-murder.php?
It looks like you actually have started releasing books with puzzles.
My puzzles.
I see you’re selling our correspondences as ebooks.
How industrious of you.
I should demand half the profits. Hell, I should demand all the profits. This is my work, not yours.
You’re very lucky I don’t care about money or recognition.
Very, very lucky.
I have to wonder, though. What sort of reader would spend money on this sort of thing?
All readers, is my hope.
You’ve been drawn into this game. And watching my website hits, you certainly aren’t the only one.
Why not make a few bucks?
It’s the American way. If people like something, monetize it.
Personally, I’d charge a lot more than you’re charging. Some of these puzzles took me a very long time to create. Plus the website, and the videos…
When I think of everything I put into this endeavor, I wonder why I didn’t just write a book instead.
Yours in capitalism,
Anknown Sender
From: Joe Konrath
To: Unknown Sender
US—
I’d be happy to split the book profits with you. Just give me your name and address and I’ll write you a check and mail it today.
Joe
From: Unknown Sender
To: JA Konrath
Subject: where i’ll do it–20
joe—
cute. sure, i’ll send you my paypal, and then wait for the fbi to show up at my door.
STOP A MURDER - WHERE (Mystery Puzzle Book 2) Page 2