by Anna Antonia
Relenting, she answered, “Because he called me, Emma, worried out of his mind about you.”
“He called. Here?”
“Yes.”
Shock roiled through me. “How did he get your number?” I mumbled, dazed and a little worried that everything I had done to make our break as clean as possible was going to be for naught.
“I don’t know. He said that he had been trying to get a hold of you all day but that he couldn’t get through.” She crossed her arms. “I was embarrassed to tell him you had never mentioned him or that you were even dating.”
I couldn’t help but duck my head a bit. “I’m sorry.”
“He must not be that important since you hadn’t said a word about him.”
My heartbeat skipped. “That’s not true! He’s the first and only person I’ve ever loved. I still love him and always will. I may not have told you about him, but please don’t think that Gabriel’s not important to me.”
She pushed off the wall and sat across from me. “I didn’t think that. Gabriel’s the one who said it.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. He sounded pretty crushed about it, Em.”
I paled. My free hand shook as it swiped across my mouth. The damn nausea was back again. I hadn’t eaten all day and barely finished two bottles of water. Love was becoming a sickness for sure. The obvious cure was to go back to Gabriel, but I couldn’t. Not as long as Lucas was willing to take it to the end.
Maybe I left too early. Maybe I should’ve stayed with Gabriel so he could fight it out with his uncle…
The wheels of my faulty reasoning fell off.
And then he’d lose everything that he’s ever worked for. Nothing would’ve changed except how much Gabriel would pay for ever knowing me. I’ve already gone over this. There was no other way.
I wanted to cry. How could something that was so good, so right, end up being so wrong?
I replayed the words my mother shared and the nausea grew ever stronger. All I seemed to do was hurt my love. He didn’t deserve that but, my God I really didn’t deserve him at all.
“I wasn’t trying to hide him from you. I was actually planning on introducing him to you really soon because Gabriel means…everything…to me. Everything.”
She reached out and touched my hand. “Then why are you here? What’s happened between you two?”
“I’ve…” I blew out a cleansing breath. “I left him.”
“I know but why?”
I opened my mouth and closed it. My gaze bounced around the room and the air around me grew hot. A fine sheen of perspiration broke out on my forehead. I really didn’t feel good. I needed to at least drink something. “It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got nothing but time, darling.” Her tiny grin coupled with the words she’d say before my bedtime whenever I thought I was getting too long in whatever I was sharing, made me want to weep.
I didn’t though. I stuffed my emotions down, doing myself proud when my voice didn’t waver even as the telling got rough. Finally, I reached the end. “And so, if I stay in the picture Gabriel’s uncle will take everything away from him. I had to go so I did.”
A frown creased her brow as she nodded slowly. “But Emma, how do you know that even matters to Gabriel?”
How could she ask me that? She of all people should know how the rich lived. “Of course, it matters to Gabriel! He’s a billionaire who’s never known what it’d be like to be broke and down to his last dollar! I won’t let that happen to him, Mom.”
“But didn’t he say he already had his own money? That he didn’t need the company’s money to stay afloat?”
Shaking my head, I implored, “Mom, there’s more to it than that!”
As always, she remained cool and unruffled. “I know why you’re saying what you’re saying. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“How?” I didn’t mean to snap my question but my patience was stretched thin. Although it was only late afternoon, I wanted to go into my former room, which was now a guest room, and sleep for years. I didn’t want to think about this anymore, of how much I was going to hurt him…of how much it would hurt me when he finally saw I’d done the right thing.
“Between what you’ve shared and by talking to him on the phone, Gabriel doesn’t sound like the kind of man who’s afraid of rough times. He loves you. You love him. How can there be anything more important than that?”
I sighed and shook my head, so tired I could barely keep my thoughts straight. Jumping up, I grabbed a cup out of the cabinet and filled it with tap water before coming back to the table. “You and I both know that love isn’t enough. I had to do this for him, Mom, and I’m going to have to live with it for the rest of my life.”
“No, I get why you did what you did, Emma. I’m just saying that you didn’t even bother to ask Gabriel what he wanted. You just assumed you were doing the right thing.”
“It is the right thing.”
“Not if you did it without even talking to him.”
My fingers suddenly itched for my phone. I wanted to call Gabriel, to hear his voice telling me everything was going to be okay.
Damnit. Not even a full day yet and my will was already eroding faster than I could shore it up.
“Mom, he wouldn’t have listened to reason. He would’ve stayed with me and then what? What would happen when he realized he’d given up everything for me and I wasn’t worth it?”
“Of course, you’re worth it.”
I brushed my hair off my face and looked away. “You’re only saying that because you’re my mother.”
My gruff reply didn’t sway her. “All those things you talk about Gabriel giving up—what if they don’t mean anything to him?”
“They do, Mom.” I bit my lip and then swallowed hard. “You should see how he spends money. He buys places like they’re disposable. He never looks at the prices of things when it comes to cars, clothes, books, things like that. He’s probably never even gone into a used bookstore. Anything used for him would be a book that’s come up for auction.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Em, but so? You’re two people from different financial backgrounds, sure, but you’re still people.”
I let out a ragged laugh. Knowing what she knew and living how she’d lived on the periphery of rich people, how could she still be so nonchalant? My mother’s attitude wasn’t new to me, but it never failed to surprise me. “When it comes to this we’re people who might as well be from different planets. It’s better that we end things now before things get too deep.”
It’s already there.
“Too deep.” My mom tapped her fingers against the tabletop. “Emma, this is the same one from prom, isn’t it?”
I closed my eyes and nodded. “Wasn’t that hard to figure out, huh?”
“I recognized his name and I remember when he came over that one time. You did the same thing then that you’re doing now except it’s worse this time.”
“Yeah?” I mumbled, too heartsick to deny the truth.
“Yeah. You didn’t want to end things with him then and you definitely don’t want to do it now.”
“No, I don’t want to. But I’m going to do it anyways.”
“Emma—”
“Mom, I’ve thought about this backwards and forwards, trying to come up with a solution that would let me keep Gabriel. There isn’t one. Not as long as Lucas is against us.”
“He might change his mind.”
I appreciated her optimism. That was my mom—always hoping for the best even though her feet were firmly grounded in reality. “That’s not going to happen. Lucas even saw me off this morning, pleased as punch that I was doing the ‘sensible’ thing and saving him the trouble of running me off.”
“And you didn’t mind giving him the satisfaction?”
“I minded it so much I threatened to kill him.”
“Seriously?” She raised one brow. “Wow. I’m impressed, Em.”
An unwanted smile t
ugged at my lips. “Thanks.”
Our shared moment of humor faded when she said, “I wish there can be another way.”
Me too.
I cleared my throat and studied the table. “There’s not. So I have to go forward like always, right?”
“And what about your heart? What’s going to happen to it?”
“I’ll survive.”
“I know you’ll survive, Em, but shouldn’t life be more than that?”
“We both know life can be hard for people like us. We do what we need to.”
“To be strong. To move forward. To never let anyone get us down.”
“Right.” Now she was remembering the lessons she’d taught me directly and indirectly. Good.
“And your feelings?”
“I’ll get over it. I always do.”
If I thought I’d get further recognition of praise from her, I was wrong. Instead, my mom looked at me with such a sad expression in her eyes. “You’re so strong, the strongest woman I’ve ever known, but you’re paying a high price for that strength. You’ve always been afraid of your feelings, Emma, and still are. I wish you wouldn’t be. Life can be different. You don’t always have to battle the world.”
My mother’s softly spoken words were like a hit to my stomach. I could barely breathe.
Don’t you think I wish for the same thing? Don’t you think I wish I could just be selfish with my love and just focus on what I want from Gabriel? But I can’t.
I. Just. Can’t.
Life was a battle. A perpetual war within one’s self between what was right and what was wrong. Being selfish was wrong. Loving someone, no matter how good it felt, was wrong if it ended up hurting that person.
I was doomed to be this way.
“Look at that. I left my task unfinished. I can’t have that.” I stood up and hurriedly finished sweeping up and tossing the dirt into the garbage. After putting up the broom and dustpan, I turned back to my mom.
Sitting there in her jean shorts and t-shirt, ponytail up high on her head, she looked so young. Definitely not old enough to have me for a daughter. I wished my visit wasn’t filled my own angst and drama. She didn’t need the headache and today I was nothing but trouble.
“Emma, you can talk to me.”
Somehow, I managed a smile. “I appreciate everything you’re saying to me, Mom, honestly but I made my decision. I won’t back down.”
“I hope it’s the right choice then.”
“It has to be.”
“So you’re not going to call him and tell him you’re okay?”
She really wasn’t giving up. “No.”
“A text then?”
My mother was never this pushy. Gabriel must’ve charmed her like a bird out of a thorny tree. I almost smiled, imagining it, and not blaming my mother one bit. Refusing Gabriel would be like ignoring the sun on a beautiful spring day—impossible.
All I had ahead of me was an endless winter. I swallowed my grief. I’d made the decision to walk away already. Complaining about it would diminish who I had done it for.
Still, it was hard to be that selfless girl when all I really wanted was the man I loved.
“I’m tired. Do you mind if I go lie down?”
Disappointment colored her eyes but thankfully she didn’t say anything else about my beautifully golden ex-lover. “No, you know I don’t mind. I don’t have to work tonight so I can make dinner if you want.”
“Sure.” I managed a wan smile. “I’ll go to the grocery store after my nap.”
My mother shook her head and stood up. “I can buy the groceries, Missy. Don’t worry about it.”
It was what she always said since I started working as a teen and offered to help pay my share around the house. “I don’t want to put you out, Mom. Really.”
“I know you don’t. You never did. I wish I’d paid more attention about that and made you speak up more often. Maybe things would be different now, huh?”
Before I could argue, my mother shooed me out of the kitchen and towards the guest room. “Sleep as long as you need, Em. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
I trudged down the short hallway and into the tiny guestroom. It still had all my furniture, but all my certificates of achievement were down along with my poster of Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken.”
My mom had gotten into following DIY decorating blogs a year or so ago and her enthusiasm really showed. The bed, dresser, and nightstand were painted cream, finally making the mismatched furniture look cohesive. The thick comforter was a soothing mix of light blues and green, making me think of the ocean. Slipping beneath the clean, sweet-smelling sheets made it so easy to fall asleep.
Not just yet…
I reached over and dug into my purse. Pulling out the phone, I held it to my chest. I couldn’t call Gabriel no matter how much I wanted to. But this I could do. This was all I could do.
FOUR
Sleep hit me hard. I slept the sleep of the dead, no dreams to glimmer and shine their way through my darkness. I didn’t want to wake up, fighting against the first stirrings of wakefulness, knowing that there wasn’t anything to look forward to once my eyes opened.
Still, I couldn’t hide away here forever. Gabriel probably already knew I was here, otherwise why call my mom? Staring at the ceiling, I wondered what I should do next. I was going to have to go into the office and give my notice. It’d be too much to think I could work for two weeks before leaving.
Which meant I had to quit.
My stomach roiled again. Med-Tech was my first job out of school. Internships aside, I didn’t have a long resume to take this kind of hit. Turning on my side, I pulled the covers over my head. I wasn’t giving myself many options.
Looking down at my hand, I unfolded my fingers. My phone lay there, black-screened and beckoning me like Pandora’s Box. With heartbeat quickening, I pushed the button and turned it on.
Only for a minute. I’ll send him a quick text and then I’ll shut it off.
Twenty-three messages and as many missed calls.
Oh, Gabriel. I’m so sorry.
Blinking rapidly, I fought and lost the battle against my tears. They rolled down my face as I texted a brief message.
Sorry. I’m okay. You don’t need to keep calling. Take care.
My fingertip hovered over the SEND icon. It was cold, way colder than I felt. I’d always been able to cut my emotions off and I needed that ability now because all I felt were blistering emotions pouring over me and through me. Tightening my mouth, I sent it to Gabriel and then shut off the phone.
I rolled over to my stomach and snatched the pillows and covered my head. I then let out an agonized scream, furious and maddened that I’d done what I’d done.
It didn’t matter that I knew it was for the best.
It didn’t matter that I knew Gabriel would be better off without me.
It didn’t matter that I knew I was doing it out of love.
All that mattered at this moment was that I’d just rubbed salt in his wounds. What was wrong with me? Why did all I ever do was cause pain to the ones I loved?
My mom was practically cut off from her family because she came home with me in her belly. An honor student who should’ve had the world at her feet was instead saddled with a baby and no support. She should’ve been a professional woman with a ton of titles after her name and maybe just starting a family of her own by now.
Instead she worked on a cleaning crew. How fair was that?
Gretchen was my only friend and yet I spoke to her a few times a year at best. I had no idea if she was seeing anyone or had been. I didn’t know if she was in love or not. I was a shitty friend for sure.
And Gabriel…
Letting out another muffled scream, I sagged beneath the weight of all I had done to wrong him. I turned away from him from the beginning, refusing to believe in him and his feelings. I slept with him and then left him, treating him like an insect that
needed to be crushed under my heel. Because of me he got mixed up in the wrong crowd and almost died.
I got up on my knees, still keeping my face buried under my pillows. All I did was hurt him. I didn’t deserve Gabriel. I never deserved Gabriel. Embry and Lucas were right. If I hadn’t crossed paths with him he’d be engaged and moving about his life peacefully.
Another shaft of pain speared me through the heart. I gagged on my tears, feeling like I was suffocating but not caring enough to stop it. I wanted the pain, deserved it like I’d deserved anything before.
Gabriel should’ve never met me. He should’ve never wasted one second of one day on me. He tried to give me the world and I rejected it.
The blackness of self-hatred oozed over me. I didn’t fight it. This I deserved for trying to take something that never could’ve belonged to me in the first place.
FIVE
I spent the night at my mom’s, listless but somehow managing to carry a conversation even if I couldn’t remember much of what I’d said. She didn’t bring up my swollen eyes and I carried the washcloth and ice on them as if it wasn’t a big deal.
As much as I would’ve loved to have taken some nighttime cold medicine to help me sleep, I didn’t want to risk the grogginess that would’ve come my way since I had to be out of the house no later than 3am.
Now impeccably dressed and groomed, I entered Obelisk Pointe and made my way up to the 29th floor. I kept my gaze impersonal yet focused, studiously ignoring the cameras and whatever eyes might be watching. The only time my façade cracked was at the beginning when Mr. Jackson and Bobby greeted me as warmly as they greeted Gabriel.
I waved and smiled, hoping they wouldn’t look too closely at my bespectacled gaze. Once in the elevator, I felt my stomach drop at the irrevocable action coming up. There could be no illusions. I was going to do great damage to my career by quitting.