“We shouldn’t start like this.”
“Maybe we should end like this thing,” Jess said with a laugh.
“Cheeky,” Cory said.
“It’s one of my many amazing personality traits.”
“One amongst many for sure. So how was your day?”
The two began to walk their bikes up the embarcadero heading north to the golden gate bridge. The wind blew gently from across the bay onto the two women while the sun heated their skin. Joggers ran by while the trolley took tourists from the south part of the pier north towards the golden gate bridge.
“My day, my day,” Jess said. She looked up and saw a seagull gliding, easily drifting in the air. “It was hard.”
“Why?”
“I’ve just been so busy.”
“Oh, with what? The show? Feminist Controller?”
“That and the game. It’s taking a long time to get the game going and the woman I work with, Erin, she’s great but well she can smoke too much pot sometimes.”
“I know what that’s like,” Cory said with a laugh.
“You smoke pot?”
“No, well sometimes, but working in film down in LA means that I end up dealing with all sorts of interesting personalities. A lot of the people can be a bit drifty. You know that I make film right?”
“You said you were from LA. Everyone from LA is in the movies.”
“Well you know just making sure that you know that I M-A-K-E movies,” Cory said with a laugh. “Anyways what’s with your coworker?”
“I just wish it was easier for her to focus.”
“Maybe give her some Adderall,” Cory said.
It was Jess time to laugh. “I’m not a drug dealer. I’m her boss.”
“Oh! That’s why my films haven’t gone off as well as I’d like. Either people are too stoned or too hyped up on Adderall… speaking of mood altering have you been seeing anyone?”
Jess hesitated for a moment. “I guess I’ve just been a bit busy,” she said leaning on her old crutch.
“Too busy for love?”
“Well, you know the Feminst Controller, the game, it’s been a lot. Plus a lot of the people that I meet they aren’t my type.”
“People like guys?”
“Umm… I mean like people.”
“You don’t like the other people in tech,” Cory said pointing at a white man rolling by them on a Segway. He wore a fanny pack that was probably supposed to be ironic but looked just ugly, a polo shirt, and khakis along with “bare foot” shoes that separated out the toes. “He looks like a catch, if only we can catch up to him.”
Jess laughed. “I think he’s too far ahead of us at this point, much too far.”
“Oh well, so sad. We’ll have to settle for each other,” Cory said. She took Jess’ hand and gave it a slight squeeze. The tingling returned to Jess. She hadn’t been this close to a woman before. The two had chatted a lot over the last few months since they’d met, exchanged emails, and texts, and pictures. They made each other laugh and there was something, something, but Jess didn’t know how she felt about it. She let Cory hold her hand though and after a moment she squeezed back.
“I don’t think it would be settling,” Jess said. “A lot of the men in tech are either married or just too sexist. It can tough fighting off a bunch of Reddit neckbeards and a lot of the apps.. well I’m just not finding the right match.”
“Have you dated women before,” Cory asked. Her voice tightened at the end of her question.
“Hmmm…”
“It’s okay if you haven’t you know, but it’s definitely okay if you have,” Cory said. She squeezed Jess’ hand again. The sun was slowly beginning to set on the two young woman and they’d arrived at Chrissy Fields. The boats along the pier bobbed on the water and were tinted orange under the light of the setting star. “Look! A seal,” Cory exclaimed. One of the large seals had dove off the pier and was shooting its way across the bay.
“They’re beautiful. I like the way they seem to glide so easily through everything.”
“Yeah. It looks great. If only we could all swim so effortlessly through life,” Cory said. “Listen I know this, whatever this is, can be hard, and might be confusing, but if I don’t well…”
Cory took her hands to Jess’ face. She held it for a moment and then kissed her. There lips touched and the tingling in Jess turned into an electric shock. The bolt of energy shook her but then she began to settle into the kiss feeling the lightness of Cory’s lips, the way her tongue slowly reached into her mouth, searching for her.
“Stop, stop,” Jess said. And Cory did. Cory looked away from Jess. Afraid that she’d done something wrong, that her impulse had ruined everything. “I’m not saying no, I’m just saying not right now. I just am too unsure of things right now.”
“I understand. We’ve just been talking for a long time, I thought that there was something there,” Cory said.
“There might be. I just, I’m just confused.”
“It’s okay. I’ll be there for you if you need me.”
“Thanks Cory, thanks,” Jess said. She squeezed Cory’s hand and the two watched in silence as the sun dipped below the horizon.
3.
“Soo….” Pilar said.
“So? Why do we always need to get burritos,” Jess said.
“Because they are delicious, because we’re hungry and this is the mission. We could eat at one of those foo foo places but are we foo foo people. But tell me… sooo….” Pilar said. She nudged her friend who was leaning against the wall of the burrito shop in the heart of the mission. It was late and Pilar had come into the city for a drink, or a date, or a show, or whatever it was that Pilar did. Jess and Cory had parted ways shortly after the kiss. Jess wasn’t mad at Cory. In a lot of ways Jess had wanted Cory to kiss her but she just didn’t know how to articulate the language of her desire.
“It was fine. Perfectly normal. We rode our bikes to the pier. We walked around and we talked,” Jess told Pilar.
“Just talked?”
“Mostly just talked.”
“Anything else? Girl! Give. Me. The. Gossip,” Pilar said.
“She kissed me.”
“Did you kiss her back?”
“Yes. No. It was sudden.”
“So you’ll do it again,” Pilar said with a laugh.
“I’m not sure,” Jess replied. She looked down at her burrito. She wasn’t hungry. She didn’t know why she’d ordered it. “It’s confusing there’s a lot going on with me right now. Maybe though, maybe.”
“Like maybe you’re going to eat that burrito.”
“No I’m going to eat the burrito,” Jess said taking a big bite out of the cylinder of rice, beans, avocado, cheese and sour cream. “Oh did I tell you about that new video game that’s getting a lot of press? There is some new game out where you literally run around collecting women in bikinis, then there is a fucking torture scene!”
“Are you going to do something about it,” Pilar asked. “You should. I mean you might get more neckbeards rattling your cage but fuck them you know.”
“Yeah. I’ll do another bit about it tonight. Want to help me put together an award winning Internet feminist rant,” Jess said. A small bean fell out of her mouth as she talked with her mouth open.
“Only if you can keep all the rice and beans in your mouth and not spit when you eat,” Pilar said. “Sometimes girl. Get. It. Together.” Pilar laughed. “Anyways maybe doing this video with you will be a good time for you to have a good think about Cory,” Pilar said. She picked up the bean with a napkin and set it to the side.
After their late night dinner was done the two friends went to Jess’ place and filmed a short segment about the sexist video game. The project went off well although it took a few tries to get the video correct as Pilar shook and bounced the camera during the filming however the short piece’s script was a masterpiece. Pilar had helped Jess pen it. Their collaborative work made the piece strong.
“Thanks for all the help,” Jess said.
“It’s no problem. I’m glad to have done it. You think it will get a good reception?”
“I don’t know. I’m actually a bit worried. Some of the Youtube comments are really serious. I’m sort of thinking of quitting the Feminist Controller because of it.”
“You’re gonna let the neckbeards get you,” Pilar said.
“Hey, you’re not the one being harassed online. It can be scary. I don’t know these people and what they want. Well I know what they want, they want me to stop and also to die,” Jess said.
“You are exaggerating. It’s a bunch of keyboard warriors. You could probably destroy them with just your gaze.”
“I don’t know,” Jess said with a shrug. “I like the project but it can be hard. You know. There’s more to it than just the youtube comments.”
“Well, I want to keep going. You’re strong you’re tough but really you should do what you need and want to do,” Pilar said. She hugged her friend and squeezed her tightly. “I know you’re busy and this extra stress can be a lot. You have to take care of yourself first.”
“Thanks, Pilar, I appreciate that.”
When Pilar had left Jess went to her bedroom. She laid down and stared at the ceiling. A lot had been going on. Pilar, the comments, the game, and Cory, Cory, Cory. She couldn’t stop thinking about her. The way her lips had felt against her own. She hadn’t experienced anything like it before. It was soft and tender but still passionate. Cory had wanted her and while she didn’t want to admit it Jess had wanted her too. She could feel it in that warm tingly feeling that had crept up on her when the two had kissed. It had been an odd sensation, something that she hadn’t felt with a woman before. She’d had some experience with men but most of the time it wasn’t that appealing to her, part of why she wrapped herself in work so much.
Jess took off her clothes and studied herself in the mirror. She liked her tan skin and the dark chocolate of her nipples. Her hips flared out nicely and her legs were strong and firm. She tried to see what Cory would see. She lay on the bed and began to play with her nipples slowly circling them with her fingers. She could feel a growing wetness between her legs as she thought about Cory kissing her again. She wished that she had said yes to Cory, that the other woman had come home with her. She leaned over to her nightstand and took out her lube. She put a small amount of lube onto her index and middle fingers and began to gently massage it around her clitoris. The little button at the top of her vagina was sensitive to her touch. Jess rubbed the inner folds of her vagina. She slid a finger between her vaginal libs to open things up then brought her fingers back and froth from her clit to her pussy hole. Just teased herself and then tried to stroke herself with one finger inside then brought a couple fingers into her cunt. She began to slide them in and out with gutso as she thought more and more of Cory kissing her, petting her, licking her pussy.
Jess began using diagonal strokes as if there was a clock over her clitoris. She stroked from the upper right of her clit to the bottom left. Then she pulled her labia together and stroked her clit through the folds of her skin.
She wanted the release of an orgasm, the best release in the world but the fun was in the build up, in thinking about Cory and her kisses, her nipples. Jess knew her orgasm was coming. She could feel it in the shaking of her legs and the way in which her skin started to flush. Jess couldn’t take it much more, she started to feel numb and alive. Everything rattled, her heart beat raced, and just didn’t know anything else. She smiled and sighed as she came thinking of Cory and the next time Cory would kiss her, touch her, and please her.
4.
The next day started with a light grey fog. The mist and dampness hung to Jess as she walked out of her apartment. Everything seemed a bit subdued. She bought a coffee at the local shop and while she was waiting she checked her phone.
The video had gotten an explosion of messages, mainly from anonymous commentators.
“What this bitch talking about,” one person wrote.
“No wonder she so mad, she ugly as shit,” another anonymous comment read.
“Make her eat the fucking red pill. Make the whore eat the red pill,” a third comment read.
The messages went along in the same vein. The only difference being one in which a commentator had dumped a bunch of text from a male impotence site and seemed to be blaming her for the writer’s lack of arousal. She shook her head and took a deep breath. She put her phone away and grabbed her coffee. The cup was warm in her hand and seemed to help burn away some of the morning mist. Her phone buzzed in her pocket.
“Hey good looking, whatcha got cooking,” the message read. It was from Cory. “I’m in your neighborhood. Want to meet up?”
Jess set her coffee down on the counter of the shop and replied. “Yeah sure. I’m at the coffee shop on 16th and Valencia. I can wait for you here.”
It didn’t take long for Cory to arrive. When she showed up she wasn’t wearing a coat. Her hair looked curlier than before and she was wearing a light sheen of lipstick. The red lips made her eyes seem brighter and Jess stared at her for a moment.
“Uh, hello,” Cory said.
“Oh. Sorry I was spacing out.”
“That’s okay,” Cory said. “Want to sit down?”
“Sure. There’s a bench outside. We can watch the techies ride their segways to work.”
“Are segways still in trend?”
“They were yesterday,” Jess said. “Remember.”
“How could I forget? I certainly couldn’t forget yesterday.”
“Truthfully neither could I.”
Cory leaned away from Jess. “Is that a good or a bad thing?”
“It’s well. It’s a good thing. I’m sorry if it’s taking me a while. I don’t want to give you mixed messages. I like you. It’s just well there’s a lot going on with me right now.”
“I understand. I can wait. You’re important to me. I haven’t felt like this before,” Cory said. She took Jess hand and squeezed it. In return Jess leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. A warm flush brightened up Cory’s face. “You’re gonna get me too hot and bothered, maybe we should change the subject? So I saw the new video. How are you feeling about it?”
“The video itself went well. The comments though…”
“Yeah… I saw them,” Cory said. She put her arm around Jess and Jess leaned into her. “I’m sorry. Maybe it’s stopped though?”
“I don’t know.” Jess took out her phone and brought up the video. She scrolled to the comments. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
“What,” Cory said. She looked over at Jess phone. “Oh shit. You got doxxed.”
The most recent of comments had put Jess’ home address into the Youtube comments along with a brief but poignant message, “I can’t be held responsible for what happens next.” The implication was clear, anything that could happen might happen.
“I can’t go home. I can’t go home,” Jess said. Her breathing grew ragged. “Fuck.”
“It’s gonna be okay, You can stay at my hotel. It’s not a big deal. We can contact the police.”
“The police? They don’t do shit.”
“We should try, maybe they can figure something out.”
“I’ll try but fuck. I can’t go home.”
“Let’s contact Youtube as well. Try to get the comment deleted.”
“It’s probably been spammed onto Reddit or something already. I’m so fucked.”
“It’s just internet neckbeards.”
“Yeah but some of these guys, you don’t know.”
“You’re right. I don’t know but we can do this,” Cory said. She took Jess’ hand in hers and squeezed it. “It will be okay.”
“Okay, okay. Fuck.” Small tears were beginning to form in the corner of her eye. How could she explain how she felt. She’d just been exposed, more than exposed, threatened, made bare. Jess breathing started coming short and she worried that she might be on the
verge of a panic attack.
“Do you need anything from your house? I can go get it, maybe bring a friend.”
“I don’t want you to risk yourself to get into my place so I can get some more underwear.” Jess groaned and looked down at the ground. The coffee in her hand was getting cold.
“Maybe I’ll buy you some new undies then,” Cory said with a laugh. She poked at Jess. “New underwear is a good thing. Plus I’ll pay for it. Cheer up. Things will be okay.”
“I just want to lay down.”
“We can do that. Let’s go back to my hotel room and we’ll call the cops from there. I’ll start looking up information on doxing. When we get there.”
“Okay.”
The two walked in silence to the BART station two blocks away. The world around Jess seemed unaware of her current situation. The pain and exposure that she felt was hers and hers alone. She felt at once isolated and at the same time very public. Her sense of personal space was destroyed. She called Erin and told her that something had come up, Jess wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell her about the doxxing or not just yet, and that Erin should keep working on some of the gameplay aspects.
The BART ride to Union square was short and within a half an hour of learning about the doxxing Jess and Cory were safely in the hotel room. The room was nice and spacious. Cory had obviously splurged. There was only a single king sized bed with what seemed like a million pillows.
“Should I order room service?”
“Yes please.”
“What do you want?”
“Pizza,” Jess said. “It’s my favorite guilty pleasure.”
“Okay one pizza coming up. Maybe let’s watch something. I’ll get some champagne too. There’s nothing better to soothe the soul than champs and pizza.”
Jess laughed. “Yeah nothing.” She fell onto the bed and buried her face into the pillows.
Twenty minutes later the piping hot pizza and a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon had arrived. Cory opened the bottle with a satisfying pop. Some of the fizzy liquid spilled out.
“Oh no,” Cory said. She took the bottle to her lips and lapped at the carbonation. “We don’t want to waste a single drop.” She grabbed two glasses and poured one for Jess who had come to life with the smell of pizza and the pop of the bottle.
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