I’d completely forgotten about the pie. “Um, sure.”
I felt Evan’s eyes on me as I moved into the kitchen. Norma was smiling happily as she turned her attention to him. “Evan, sweetie, could you come into the kitchen as well?”
It wasn’t my first time in Norma’s kitchen, but it felt so much smaller this time. Evan and I stood awkwardly, waiting for instructions from Norma. She handed me the pie I had made and smiled. “Why don’t you give Evan a slice?” she said with a wink.
“Norma, I’m not sure–”
She grabbed two more pies and sailed from the room, looking nothing like a woman in her eighties. Apparently, match-making gave her an envious amount of energy.
“That woman gets weirder every day,” Evan said, watching her go.
“There’s a method to her madness.” I set the pie on the kitchen island. “She knows that I baked this pie for you. She just doesn’t know that you probably don’t want it now.”
Evan gave me a surprised look. “You baked me a pie?”
“Not just any pie.” I nudged the pie toward him. “It’s your mom’s apple pie.”
His eyes darted from me to the pie, back to me again. “You baked my mom’s apple pie for me?”
“Sure.” I shrugged. “When she taught me, I’m pretty sure she assumed I’d be baking it for you all the time. It felt like the right thing to do.”
“Noelle…” Evan’s eyes flashed with pain and longing. “Thank you.”
I smiled. “Don’t thank me yet. You haven’t tried it.” I dug through the drawers until I found a fork. After cutting a piece and putting it on a plate, I handed it to him. “It’s been twelve years since I’m made one of these. I apologize if it’s terrible.”
Evan forked a small piece and took a tentative bite. The smile that spread over his face was the best possible reward. “It’s perfect, Elle. It tastes just like her pie.”
“Good to know I can still do something right,” I said, fidgeting with a loose thread on my sleeve.
“Elle.” Evan set his fork down. “Staying away from you is never going to work.”
“What?” I gave my head a small shake, certain that I had misheard him.
He leaned over the counter until I had no choice but to look right into his eyes. “We have a lot to work through, Elle. Some of it is going to hurt, but we can’t keep those things buried just because it’s easier.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Evan. I’ve never wanted that.” I didn’t look away, even when Norma entered the room.
“Oh goodness. I’ve interrupted a moment.” She feigned embarrassment as she shuffled to the counter to pick up more pies. “Please, don’t stop talking on my account.”
“We wouldn’t dream of it,” Evan said, grinning as he shook his head. “You should try this pie, Aunt Norma. It tastes just like Mom’s.”
“That’s wonderful!” Norma gave me a secret smile. “You know the story behind that pie, don’t you?”
I nodded. “Hearing the story was the condition to getting the recipe.”
When Evan and I were first living together, his parents had come to visit us at Thanksgiving. His mom and I had made the meal and she had told me about the first time she made a Thanksgiving dinner for Evan’s dad. The culmination of the story was the apple pie. According to the story, Evan’s dad had never liked pie until he tried a bite of her pie. Also, according to his mother, Evan was born exactly nine months later.
Norma had shuffled out of the room, leaving us alone again. Evan was studying me without speaking.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Ev. Nothing has changed. I still have two kids to worry about.” I glanced toward the dining room to further emphasize my point.
“I think you’re using those kids as an excuse.” Evan picked up his plate. “I’m a man of my word. I told you’d I wait and I will. But if the only reason you’re waiting is because you’re scared this isn’t going to work, then we’re both going to be waiting forever.”
Just as he was about to leave the room, I rushed over and grabbed his hand. “The kids don’t wake up until 7. If you wanted to come by for coffee in the morning, maybe we could start to get to know each other again.”
“My days start early, Elle. I’m usually working by 6,” he said.
“I’ll have the coffee ready by 5.” I was well aware of Evan’s schedule. He didn’t know it, but I spent every morning drinking my coffee at the window while I watched him work. “The front door will be unlocked. If you really do want to try, let yourself in. If you don’t show up, I’ll understand.”
I moved past him, letting my body brush lightly against his in the narrow passageway into the dining room. I felt him suck in a breath when our bodies touched. I didn’t have to look at his face to know that he’d be in my kitchen the next morning.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Twelve Years Ago
I finished packing my last sweater and zipped the bag shut. Evan was in the other room, pacing. I’d just told him that I was leaving and I wouldn’t be back. He had looked stunned, but I didn’t know how any of this could come as a surprise. Things had been bad between us for a long time.
Seven months earlier, I’d found out I was a few weeks pregnant. A few days after that, Evan was badly injured during a game. He’d needed three surgeries and was in the hospital for a month. When he finally came home, he could hardly move. The only thing that got him out of bed was his physical therapy.
At first, he’d been in good spirits. He was convinced that he would make a miraculous recovery even though the doctors had said he would never play hockey again. After two months of rehab, his progress had been slower than he hoped. He became moody and self-medicated with alcohol. I lost the baby not long after that and Evan shut down completely. He refused to talk about it and was even more reticent to discuss our future.
Evan had gotten into college on a full athletic scholarship. If he couldn’t play hockey again, he would lose that scholarship. That meant he’d either have to drop out of school or get a job. It also meant that the future he had planned where he played professional hockey while I stayed home in a beautiful house and raised our children was nothing more than an impossible dream.
Whenever I tried to make Evan talk, he became angry. I couldn’t take the mood swings any longer. I couldn’t walk around on eggshells, hoping I wouldn’t say something that might set him off. I still loved him with all my heart, but I loved myself, too.
“That’s the last of it,” I said, joining him in the living room. “I left my new address on the counter in the kitchen. If you find anything I forgot, you can mail it to me.”
“Noelle, please don’t do this.” He had so much pain in his eyes that I couldn’t resist the urge to put my arms around him. He responded instantly, holding me in the tightest embrace I’d ever felt. “I love you so much.”
“I know you do,” I said, just barely holding back a sob. “But I have to go. This isn’t working. We’re just making each other miserable, Evan. I want you to be happy again.”
“I’ll never be happy without you in my life,” he said with complete conviction.
I pushed him away gently. “You will, Ev. I know you will.”
He walked me down to my car and put my bag in the trunk. Even when I was breaking his heart, Evan couldn’t stop himself from being a good guy. “Drive safe,” he said, opening my door for me.
“I will.” I reached up, touching his cheek one last time. “Take care of yourself, Evan Gray. You are the best human being I’ve ever known.”
I was sobbing uncontrollably as I pulled away. Once Evan and our apartment were out of sight in the rearview mirror, I pulled over and cried for an hour. Every party of me hurt and the thought of living a life without Evan seemed impossible. Somehow, I made it to New Orleans.
I received a small package in the mail a week later. It was from Evan and he’d scribbled a note saying that I’d left a couple things behind. When I dumped the contents on the table,
my heart twisted in my chest. He’d mailed me the ring, the one that I had purposefully left behind. Since he’d been the one to give it to me when we were fifteen, I thought it should be his. He clearly disagreed. The other item was his, but it’s presence in my new home felt right. It was one of his shirts, the same one that I’d worn to bed almost every night for the last three years.
I kept both of those items for twelve years because even though I’d left Evan, I never wanted to forget him, and I would always love him.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
E van was already in my kitchen when I came down the stairs at 4:45. The sun wasn’t up yet and he hadn’t turned on a light, but I could make out his silhouette at the kitchen table. I could also smell the coffee.
“Why didn’t you turn on a light?” I asked, as if it was perfectly normal to have Evan sitting in my kitchen. There was enough light that I could make my way to the table. He’d already filled two mugs with coffee.
“I did while I was making the coffee. I like sitting quietly in the dark before work.” He stood as I approached and pulled out a chair for me.
We sat across from each other, nursing our coffees and talking quietly. Something had changed the day before when we’d finally been completely honest with each other. It was like a weight had been lifted.
“The moving truck should be here soon,” I said toward the end of our time. Evan needed to get to work soon. We’d already blown past his usual 6:00 start time. “It will be nice for the kids to finally have the rest of their things.”
“Do you need any help?” Evan asked.
“No, the movers will handle it.” I smiled. “Thanks for the offer, though.”
“I should get going,” Evan said for the tenth time. We both looked out the window. The sun was rising beautifully in the sky and a light flurry was falling. “Same time tomorrow?”
I nodded. “I look forward to it.” Evan got up and reached for the empty mugs. I waved him away. “I’ll take care of it. Have a good day.”
He put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently, giving me a look that spoke volumes. We’d both needed that time together. The pain that I’d caused him the previous day had been healed. We were finally moving forward.
“Have a good day, Elle. See you tomorrow.”
I ended up seeing Evan about a dozen more times that day. I was bouncing in and out of the house as I directed the movers. Evan was busy working, loading trees onto cars and interacting with customers, but occasionally we would lock gazes. Each time, he would smile warmly at me and my heart would flutter happily.
Once the movers were finished, we had a lot of unpacking to do. We hadn’t brought a lot of furniture, but the kids had a ton of clothes and toys. Madison also had an impressive book collection. A lot of their things had been in storage for the last year because we didn’t have enough room in my condo for all their things.
“I bet it feels good to have everything in your own room,” I said as I helped Madison put away her clothes.
“Yeah, I guess.” Madison had been abnormally quiet all day. She was acting like she had back in New Orleans.
“Are you feeling okay, Mad? You haven’t grilled me about my personal life even once today.” I wasn’t disappointed about that, but I was worried about her.
She shrugged. “It’s kind of weird to see some of this stuff again.” She was looking at a framed photograph of her family. “When we were in the condo, I kind of tricked myself into believing that we were just there for an extended visit and we’d eventually go back home. It was easy to do that with most of my stuff not there.” Madison looked around the room, her eyes filled with tears. “I can’t lie to myself anymore. They aren’t coming back and I’m never going home.”
“Oh, Mad.” My heart ached for her. I remembered feeling that exact same way not that long ago. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this place will feel like home eventually. And I know how much you miss your mom and dad. I can’t do anything to take that pain away for you. I miss them, too. All the time.”
“What if I grow up and lose Tommy? Just like how you lost your parents and then your brother? What if I end up alone like you?” The tears started falling down her cheeks.
“But I’m not alone, honey. I have you and Tommy.” I finally understood why she’d been so adamant about forcing me back together with Evan. She needed to see me with someone not because she was worried about me, but because she was seeing herself reflected in me. “Our family has had enough sadness. Nothing is going to happen to you or Tommy. I promise.”
I knew it was a promise I couldn’t keep and she knew it, too. Still, she smiled. “I saw Evan leave our house this morning,” she said coyly.
“You what?” I sucked in a breath. “How?”
“I couldn’t sleep so I got up to see the sunrise. I was looking out my window when he strolled out our front door.” Her smile grew. “Did he spend the night?”
“No! Definitely not.” I knew I was blushing.
“You don’t have to be so defensive. You’re an adult, Aunt Noelle. You’re allowed to have sex.” She said it so casually, like it was something her and I discussed all the time.
I had no idea what to say. I sank onto her bed and picked up her stuffed teddy bear. “Mad, even adults shouldn’t be so casual about sex. And Evan only stopped by this morning for coffee. He did not spend the night, nor will he spend the night any time in the foreseeable future.”
“You and Evan used to live together, didn’t you?” Madison asked. I nodded. “But you weren’t married?”
“No.” I braced myself for what was coming next.
“Why not?”
It was a valid question. I didn’t have a good response. “The timing wasn’t right,” I said. “We were both very young.”
“But you loved each other,” she said, sitting next to me. “Evan is still in love with you. I can see it in his eyes. Why won’t you give him another chance?”
“I am,” I said, smiling slightly. “We’re going slow this time.”
“Hence the coffee?” she guessed.
I laughed. “Yes, exactly.”
“Coffee isn’t a very romantic date,” she said with a frown.
“Romance is just a small part of being in love, Mad. You’ll understand that someday.” I remembered what it was like to be her age and believe that love was flowers and kisses and sweet love notes. Love was so much more than all those things. “When you turn thirty and are finally allowed to date, you’ll see.”
“Thirty?” Madison exclaimed. “Even Dad said I could start dating when I turned 16.”
“Your dad was a pushover,” I said. “I haven’t heard any noise from Tommy’s room in the last ten minutes. I better go check on him.”
“He’s probably just playing his video game,” Madison said with an eye roll.
Surprisingly, Tommy had unpacked most of his boxes. I helped him put everything in drawers and on shelves and then went to my own room to unpack the few boxes of things I’d actually kept. Most of my stuff had been donated in New Orleans because I’d needed to make room in the condo for the kids.
The three of us were exhausted by dinnertime and we were all in bed at 8:00. I slept like a champ and bounced out of bed at 4:30, anxious to see Evan. He must have had the same idea, because he came through the front door right when I came downstairs.
“You’re early,” I said, turning on the light to get the coffee started. “I was going to have everything ready for us.”
“Sorry.” He grinned sheepishly. “I just really wanted to see you.”
“Don’t be sorry about that,” I said, adding water to the coffee maker.
Evan came over to the counter, hesitating before leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Is that what I think it is?” he asked when he noticed the shirt I was wearing.
“It’s held up pretty good over the last twelve years,” I said. I finished scooping the grounds and hit the start button. “It stopped smelling like you a long time ago, though
.”
“Is that a bad thing?” he asked uncertainly.
“A very bad thing,” I confirmed.
He shrugged. “I’ve got plenty of shirts, Elle. I’d be happy to donate an extra smelly one to you.”
“Ew, way to make it sound gross.” I laughed before looking down at the shirt. “Maybe we could just think of a creative way to make this shirt smell like you again.”
“I’m sure we could make that happen, but not over coffee.” He stepped back. “This is your arrangement, remember?”
“I do.” I frowned. “It’s more important than ever. Madison asked me if you and I are having sex.”
Evan’s eyes flew open wide. “She what?”
“She saw you sneaking out yesterday morning and assumed we’d had an adult sleepover.” I gave him a pointed look. “Maybe now you can understand why I’m trying to be extra-cautious around them?”
“Maybe I need to leave through the backdoor,” he said, nodding.
I turned back to the coffee and focused on pouring it into two mugs. “Mad is a snoop. She’d still know.”
“What did you tell her?” Evan asked nervously.
“I told her we are taking things slow.” I turned around to hand him a mug. “She said that our coffee dates aren’t very romantic.”
“That’s only because she’s never had coffee with someone she was in love with,” Evan said with an easy smile.
“And if I have it my way, she won’t do that for at least ten more years.” I headed to the table and took my usual seat.
Evan slid into the chair across from me. “It’s Saturday.”
“You are so smart,” I teased.
“Saturdays are my skating days. Did you give anymore thought to my offer?” he became very focused on blowing on his coffee.
“About Tommy?” I hadn’t forgotten his offer, but I hadn’t given it a lot of thought either. We’d been so busy the last couple of days that I hadn’t given much thought to anything. “I’ll see if he’s up for it this morning. He might be tired from all the unpacking yesterday. That kid has a ton of toys.”
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