‘For you see, along these little channels that the children—my children, as I think I mentioned—keep sweet and open, there might troop back into the village—Fairyland. Not merely a foolish fairyland of make-believe and dragons and princesses imprisoned in animals, but a fairyland the whole world needs—the sympathy of sweet endeavour, love, gentleness and sacrifice for others. The stars would bring it— starlight don’t you see? One might weave starlight in and out everywhere—use it as the symbol of sympathy—and—er—so on—-’
Rogers again lost the clue. Another strangely familiar picture, and then another, flashed gorgeously before his inner vision; his mind raced after them, yet never caught them up. They were most curiously familiar. Then, suddenly, he came back and heard his cousin still talking. It was like a subtle plagiarism. Too subtle altogether, indeed, it was for him. He could only stare and listen in amazement.
But the recital grew more and more involved. Perhaps, alone in his work-room, Daddy could unwumble it consistently. He certainly could not tell it. The thread went lost among a dozen other things. The interfering sun had melted it all down in dew and spider gossamer and fairy cotton. …
‘I must go down and work,’ he said at length, rising and fumbling with the door handle. He seemed disappointed a little. He had given out his ideas so freely, perhaps too freely. Rogers divined he had not sympathised enough. His manner had been shamefully absent-minded. The absent-mindedness was really the highest possible praise, but the author did not seem to realise it.
‘It’s glorious, my dear fellow, glorious,’ Rogers added emphatically. ‘You’ve got a big idea, and you can write it too. You will.’ He said it with conviction. ‘You touch my heart as you tell it. I congratulate you. Really I do.’
There was no mistaking the sincerity of his words and tone. The other came back a step into the room again. He stroked his beard and felt the crisp, hard crumb. He picked it out, examining it without surprise. It was no unfamiliar thing, perhaps; at any rate, it was an excuse to lower his eyes. Shyness returned upon him.
‘Thank you,’ he said gently; ‘I’m glad you think so. You see, I sometimes feel—perhaps—my work has rather suffered from—been a little deficient in—the human touch. One must reach people’s hearts if one wants big sales. So few have brains. Not that I care for money, or could ever write for money, for that brings its own punishment in loss of inspiration. But of course, with a family to support. … I have a family, you see.’ He raised his eyes and looked out into the sunshine. ‘Well, anyhow, I’ve begun this thing. I shall send it in short form to the X. Review. It may attract attention there. And later I can expand it into a volume.’ He hesitated, examined the crumb closely again, tossed it away, and looked up at his cousin suddenly full in the face. The high enthusiasm flamed back into his eyes again. ‘Bring the world back to Fairyland, you see!’ he concluded with vehemence, ‘eh?’
‘Glorious!’ Surely thought ran about the world like coloured flame, if this was true.
The author turned towards the door. He opened it, then stopped on the threshold and looked round like a person who has lost his way.
‘I forgot,’ he added, ‘I forgot another thing, one of the chief almost. It’s this: there must be a Leader—who shall bring it back. Without the Guide, Interpreter, Pioneer, how shall the world listen or understand, even the little world of Bourcelles?’
‘Of course, yes—some big figure—like a priest or prophet, you mean?
A sort of Chairman, President, eh?’
‘Yes,’ was the reply, while the eyes flashed fires that almost recaptured forgotten dreams, ‘but hardly in the way you mean, perhaps. A very simple figure, I mean, unconscious of its mighty role. Some one with endless stores of love and sympathy and compassion that have never found an outlet yet, but gone on accumulating and accumulating unexpressed.’
‘I see, yes.’ Though he really did not ‘see’ a bit. ‘But who is there like that here? You’ll have to invent him.’ He remembered his own thought that some principal role was vacant in his Children’s Fairy Play. How queer it all was! He stared. ‘Who is there?’ he repeated.
‘No one—now. I shall bring her, though.’
‘Her!’ exclaimed Rogers with surprise. ‘You mean a woman?’
‘A childless woman,’ came the soft reply. ‘A woman with a million children—all unborn.’ But Rogers did not see the expression of the face. His cousin was on the landing. The door closed softly on the words. The steps went fumbling down the stairs, and presently he heard the door below close too. The key was turned in it.
‘A childless woman!’ The phrase rang on long after he had gone. What an extraordinary idea! ‘Bring her here’ indeed! Could his cousin mean that some such woman might read his story and come to claim the position, play the vacant role? No, nothing so literal surely. The idea was preposterous. He had heard it said that imaginative folk, writers, painters, musicians, all had a touch of lunacy in them somewhere. He shrugged his shoulders. And what a job it must be, too, the writing of a book! He had never realised it before. A real book, then, meant putting one’s heart into sentences, telling one’s inmost secrets, confessing one’s own ideals with fire and lust and passion. That was the difference perhaps between literature and mere facile invention. His cousin had never dared do this before; shyness prevented; his intellect wove pretty patterns that had no heat of life in them. But now he had discovered a big idea, true as the sun, and able, like the sun, to warm thousands of readers, all ready for it without knowing it. …
Rogers sat on thinking in the bright spring sunshine, smoking one cigarette after another. For the idea his cousin had wumbled over so fubsily had touched his heart, and for a long time he was puzzled to find the reason. But at length he found it. In that startling phrase ‘a childless woman’ lay the clue. A childless woman was like a vessel with a cargo of exquisite flowers that could never make a port. Sweetening every wind, she yet never comes to land. No harbour welcomes her. She sails endless seas, charged with her freight of undelivered beauty; the waves devour her glory, her pain, her lovely secret all unconfessed. To bring such a woman into port, even imaginatively in a story, or subconsciously in an inner life, was fulfilment of a big, fine, wholesome yearning, sacred in a way, too.
‘By George!’ he said aloud. He felt strange, great life pour through him. He had made a discovery … in his heart … deep, deep down.
Something in himself, so long buried it was scarcely recognisable, stirred out of sight and tried to rise. Some flower of his youth that time had hardened, dried, yet never killed, moved gently towards blossoming. It shone. It was still hard a little, like a crystal, glistening down there among shadows that had gathered with the years. And then it suddenly melted, running in a tiny thread of gold among his thoughts into that quiet sea which so rarely in a man may dare the relief of tears. It was a tiny yellow flower, like a daisy that had forgotten to close at night, so that some stray starbeam changed its whiteness into gold.
Forgotten passion, and yearning long denied, stirred in him with that phrase. His cousin’s children doubtless had prepared the way. A faded Dream peered softly into his eyes across the barriers of the years. For every woman in the world was a mother, and a childless woman was the grandest, biggest mother of them all. And he had longed for children of his own; he, too, had remained a childless father. A vanished face gazed up into his own. Two vessels, making the same fair harbour, had lost their way, yet still sailed, perhaps, the empty seas. Yet the face he did not quite recognise. The eyes, instead of blue, were amber. …
And did this explain a little the spell that caught him in this Jura village, perhaps? Were these children, weaving a network so cunningly about his feet, merely scouts and pilots? Was his love for the world of suffering folk, after all, but his love for a wife and children of his own transmuted into wider channels? Denied the little garden he once had planned for it, did it seek to turn the whole big world into a garden? Suppression was impossible; like murder, it mus
t out. A bit of it had even flamed a passage into work and patents and ‘City’ life. For love is life, and life is ever and everywhere one. He thought and thought and thought. A man begins by loving himself; then, losing himself, he loves a woman; next, that love spreads itself over a still bigger field, and he loves his family, his wife and children, and their families again in turn. But, that expression denied, his love inevitably, irrepressibly seeking an outlet, finds it in a Cause, a Race, a Nation, perhaps in the entire world. The world becomes his ‘neighbour.’ It was a great Fairy Story. …
Again his thoughts returned to that one singular sentence … and he realised what his cousin meant. Only a childless Mother, some woman charged to the brim with this power of loving to which ordinary expression had been denied, could fill the vacant role in his great Children’s Play. No man could do it. He and his cousin were mere ‘supers’ on this stage. His cousin would invent her for his story. He would make her come. His passion would create her. That was what he meant.
Rogers smiled to himself, moving away from the window where the sunshine grew too fierce for comfort. What a funny business it all was, to be sure! And how curiously every one’s thinking had intermingled! The children had somehow divined his own imaginings in that Crayfield garden; their father had stolen the lot for his story. It was most extraordinary. And then he remembered Minks, and all his lunatic theories about thought and thought-pictures. The garden scene at Crayfield came back vividly, the one at Charing Cross, in the orchard, too, with the old Vicar, when they had talked beneath the stars. Who among them all was the original sponsor? And which of them had set the ball a-rolling? It was stranger than the story of creation. … It was the story of creation.
Yet he did not puzzle very long. Actors in a play are never puzzled; it is the bewildered audience who ask questions. And Henry Rogers was on the stage. The gauzy curtain hung between him and the outside point of view. He was already deeply involved in Fairyland. … His feet were in the Net of Stars. … He was a prisoner.
And that woman he had once dreamed might mother his own children— where was she? Until a few years ago he had still expected, hoped to meet her. One day they would come together. She waited somewhere. It was only recently he had let the dream slip finally from him, abandoned with many another personal ambition.
Idly he picked up a pencil, and before he was aware of it the words ran into lines. It seemed as though his cousin’s mood, thought, inspiration, worked through him.
Upon what flowering shore,
‘Neath what blue skies
She stands and waits,
It is not mine to know;
Only I know that shore is fair,
Those skies are blue.
Her voice I may not hear,
Nor see her eyes,
Yet there are times
When in the wind she speaks.
When stars and flowers
Tell me of her eyes.
When rivers chant her name.
If ever signs were sure,
I know she waits;
If not, what means this sweetness in the wind,
The singing in the rain, the love in flowers?
What mean these whispers in the air,
This calling from the hills and from the sea?
These tendernesses of the Day and Night?
Unless she waits!
What in the world was this absurd sweetness running in his veins?
He laughed a little. A slight flush, too, came and went its way. The tip of the pencil snapped as he pressed too heavily on it. He had drawn it through the doggerel with impatience, for he suddenly realised that he had told a deep, deep secret to the paper. It had stammered its way out before he was aware of it. This was youth and boyhood strong upon him, the moods of Crayfield that he had set long ago on one side—deliberately. The mood that wrote the Song of the Blue Eyes had returned, waking after a sleep of a quarter of a century.
‘What rubbish!’ he exclaimed; ‘I shall be an author next!’ He tore it up and, rolling the pieces into a ball, played catch with it. ‘What waste of energy! Six months ago that energy would have gone into something useful, a patent—perhaps an improvement in the mechanism of—of—’ he hesitated, then finished the sentence with a sigh of yearning and another passing flush—’a perambulator!’
He tossed it out of the window and, laughing, leaned out to watch it fall. It bounced upon a head of tousled hair beneath, then flew off sideways in the wind and rattled away faintly among the vines. The head was his cousin’s.
‘What are you up to?’ cried the author, looking up. ‘I’m not a waste- paper basket.’ There was a cigarette ash in his beard.
‘Sending you ideas, he answered. ‘I’m coming myself now. Look out!’ He was in high spirits again. He believed in that Fairy Princess.
‘All right; I’ve put you in already. Everybody will wonder who
Cousinenry is. …’ The untidy head of hair popped in again.
‘Hark!’ cried Rogers, trying to look round the corner of the house. He edged himself out at a dangerous angle. His ears had caught another sound. There was music in the air.
CHAPTER XIX
..................
THE SWEET SPRING WINDS CAME laughing down the street, bearing a voice that mingled with their music.
Daddy! Daddy! vite; il y a un paquet!’ sounded in a child’s excited cry. ‘It arrives this afternoon. It’s got the Edinburgh postmark. Here is the notice. C’est enorme!’
The figure of Jimbo shot round the corner, dancing into view. He waved a bit of yellow paper in his hand. A curious pang tore its way into the big man’s heart as he saw him—a curious, deep, searching pain that yet left joy all along its trail. Positively moisture dimmed his eyes a second.
But Jimbo belonged to some one else.
Daddy’s wumbled head projected instantly again from the window beneath.
‘A box?’ he asked, equally excited. ‘A box from Scotland? Why, we had one only last month. Bless their hearts! How little they know what help and happiness. … ‘The rest of the sentence disappeared with the head; and a moment later Jimbo was heard scampering up the stairs. Both men went out to meet him.
The little boy was breathless with excitement, yet the spirit of the man of affairs worked strongly in him. He deliberately suppressed hysterics. He spoke calmly as might be, both hands in his trouser- pockets beneath the blouse of blue cotton that stuck out like a ballet skirt all round. The belt had slipped down. His eyes were never still. He pulled one hand out, holding the crumpled paper up for inspection.
‘It’s a paquet,’ he said, ‘comme ca.‘ He used French and English mixed, putting the latter in for his cousin’s benefit. He had little considerate ways like that. It’s coming from Scotland, et puis ca pese soixante-quinze kilos. Oh, it’s big. It’s enormous. The last one weighed,’ he hesitated, forgetful, ‘much, much less,’ he finished. He paused, looking like a man who has solved a problem by stating it.
‘One hundred and fifty pounds,’ exclaimed his father, just as eager as the boy. ‘Let me look,’ and he held his hand out for the advice from the railway. ‘What can be in it?’
‘Something for everybody,’ said Jimbo decidedly. ‘All the village knows it. It will come by the two o’clock train from Bale, you know.’ He gave up the paper unwillingly. It was his badge of office. ‘That’s the paper about it,’ he added again.
Daddy read out slowly the advice of consignment, with dates and weights and address of sender and recipient, while Jimbo corrected the least mistake. He knew it absolutely by heart.
‘There’ll be dresses and boots for the girls this time,’ he announced, ‘and something big enough for Mother to wear, too. You can tell—-’
‘How can you tell?’ asked Daddy, laughing slyly, immensely pleased about it all.
‘Oh, by the weight of the paquet, comme ca,’ was the reply. ‘It weighs 75 kilos. That means there must be something for Mummy in it.’
The author turned
towards his cousin, hiding his smile. ‘It’s a box of clothes,’ he explained, ‘from my cousins in Scotland, Lady X you know, and her family. Things they give away—usually to their maids and what-not. Awfully good of them, isn’t it? They pay the carriage too,’ he added. It was an immense relief to him.
‘Things they can’t wear,’ put in Jimbo, ‘but very good things— suits, blouses, shirts, collars, boots, gloves, and—oh, toute sorte de choses comme ca.’
‘Isn’t it nice of ‘em,’ repeated Daddy. It made life easier for him— ever so much easier. ‘A family like that has such heaps of things. And they always pay the freight. It saves me a pretty penny I can tell you. Why, I haven’t bought the girls a dress for two years or more. And Edward’s dressed like a lord, I tell you,’ referring to his eldest boy now at an expensive tutor’s. ‘You can understand the excitement when a box arrives. We call it the Magic Box.’
Rogers understood. It had puzzled him before why the children’s clothes, Daddy’s and Mummy’s as well for that matter, were such an incongruous assortment of village or peasant wear, and smart, well-cut garments that bore so obviously the London mark.
‘They’re very rich indeed,’ said Jimbo. ‘They have a motor car. These are the only things that don’t fit them. There’s not much for me usually; I’m too little yet. But there’s lots for the girls and the others.’ And ‘the others,’ it appeared, included the Widow Jequier, the Postmaster and his wife, the carpenter’s family, and more than one household in the village who knew the use and value of every centimetre of ribbon. Even the retired governesses got their share. No shred or patch was ever thrown away as useless. The assortment of cast-off clothing furnished Sunday Bests to half the village for weeks to come. A consignment of bullion could not have given half the pleasure and delight that the arrival of a box produced.
But midi was ringing, and dejeuner had to be eaten first. Like a meal upon the stage, no one ate sincerely; they made a brave pretence, but the excitement was too great for hunger. Every one was in the secret—the Postmaster (he might get another hat out of it for himself) had let it out with a characteristic phrase: ‘Il y a un paquet pour la famille anglaise!’ Yet all feigned ignorance. The children exchanged mysterious glances, and afterwards the governesses hung about the Post Office, simulating the purchase of stamps at two o’clock. But every one watched Daddy’s movements, for he it was who would say the significant words.
The Algernon Blackwood Collection Page 82