by Eve Vaughn
“I’m so sorry, Matthias.” Chris patted him on the shoulder. “I sympathize with what you’re going through. When I saw you with Esther, you were so happy and I was glad for you because you’d been through a lot. But from what you’re saying, so did Esther. I respect you for not telling me everything about Esther because you want to protect her privacy, but when I saw her run out of the office, she looked crushed. Whatever it was that she told you, couldn’t have been easy for her either. And so far all I’ve heard from your lips was me, this and me that. Maybe Esther was right to keep her secret from you.”
One of the traits that Matthias liked about his friend was his honesty. He could always count on Chris to tell him the truth. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that while you’re busy being hurt about whatever it is she did or kept from you, it’s obvious she’d hurting too. Remember how it felt three years ago when she left and how you lived your life those subsequent years? If you truly love her, you have to ask yourself this question: is your hurt feelings more important than being with her?”
Matthias couldn’t argue with that logic. He hung his head in shame.
“I know it hurts, but love isn’t always easy. It hasn’t been all flowers and light with Tiffany either but I love that woman and I’d rather weather any storm with her by my side than live without her. I suspect you feel the same way about Esther. “
Matthias leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh. “I really fucked up.”
“Then fix it. And go get your woman.”
~~~~~~
“Sweetheart, it’s going to be all right. I’m sure you miss interpreted his reaction.” Fiona stroked Esther’s head which lay in her lap.
Esther had been devastated after her encounter with Matthias. She figured he wouldn’t want her after he knew that she could never give him what he wanted, but Esther hadn’t been prepared to be so forcefully ejected out of his life. She’d been such a wreck by the time she arrived home that she threw herself on the bed and cried her eyes out.
Though she’d been determined to keep Matthias from finding out about her infertility, part of her did hold out hope that it wouldn’t matter to him. And maybe it was that hope that had kept her from telling him in the first place because she was too scared to know for sure.
Matthias had been so furious. He hated her and there was nothing she could do about it. She was angry when she’d told him about losing the baby but now she realized how callous the delivery had been. Maybe he had the right to know from the beginning but she’d been too big of a coward.
Fiona had called and when Esther answered her phone, she couldn’t pull herself together to sound normal on the phone. Hearing Fiona’s compassionate on the other end of the line sent her into another round of body-shaking sobs. Fiona had rushed over to Esther’s apartment. Though her friend was a huge comfort, Esther’s heart was breaking and there was nothing she could do about it.
“He meant it. You should have seen the look on his face. Matthias just looked at me like I was lower than dirt on the ground.”
“It doesn’t sound like the man who dropped by the shop all those days just to catch a glance at you. The man was head-over-heels in love with you.”
Esther sniffed. “The operative word is was.”
“Honey, I know. I’m so sorry that happened to you. To go through all of that and then to lose something so many women hold dear. I know it hurts but not being able to have children doesn’t define you. I want you to know that no matter what happens from here, you are worthy to be loved. I’ve bought this up before but I think maybe it’s time that you seek professional help.”
“Maybe you’re right. I’m such a mess”
Fiona leaned down and kissed her on the head. “It may be hard at first but each day, things will get better and you’ll come through this stronger than ever.”
“Thank you, Fiona. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come into my life.”
“Don’t thank me. We’re friends and friends look out for each other.”
Just then there was a knock on her door. Esther raised her head. She made a mental note to contact the rental office about people getting in without buzzing the security door.
“I’ll get that for you, dear,” Fiona volunteered.
Esther sat up so that Fiona could answer the door.
Fiona gasped when she saw who it was through the peephole.
“Who is it?” Esther asked.
“It’s Matthias.”
Chapter Seventeen
“Should I answer the door?” Fiona asked.
Esther wasn’t prepared to see Matthias tonight or at all. She thought when he kicked her out of his building that was it. If she didn’t let him in, she’d just be avoiding the inevitable and she was tired of running
“Yes, let him in.” She stood up and smooth her hand over her crinkled blouse and slacks that she hadn’t changed out of since she’d arrived home.
“Fiona, is Esther here?”
“She is. Come in.”
Matthias hesitantly walked in, his arms full with the box of items Esther had left at the office. His eyes locked with hers. “Esther,” he whispered her name.
“Matthias.”
“Well, it looks like you two have a lot to talk about, so I’m going to head out, but if you need me, Esther, give me a call, okay?”
Esther nodded.
Fiona walked over to her and gave her a hug, then she turned to Matthias. “You two need to listen to each other because you won’t be able to work this out if you don’t communicate.
“I know, and I really want to…work things out that is.” He spoke to Fiona but his eyes never left Esther.
Fiona looked at them both. “Okay, then. Have a good night.” Fiona quietly exited, leaving Esther alone with Matthias.
“I uh, brought back the stuff you left behind.” Matthias sounded awkward and unsure of himself for the first time since she’d met him.
“Thanks.”
“Regardless of what you think of me, I don’t want you to miss out of an opportunity to create your makeup line. As I stated earlier, Jennifer wouldn’t have made an offer if she didn’t think you deserved it. Maybe I was wrong for setting things up the way I did, but I just wanted to help you.”
When all was said and done, Esther couldn’t be angry with him for that. She was certain his gesture had come from good intentions. “Thank you. I’ll the offer some thought. You can put the box in the corner and I’ll take care of it later.”
Matthias did as she instructed.
“Do you…would you like something to drink?”
“No thank you.” He rubbed the back of his head seeming hesitant. “Look Esther, the way I blew up today was unacceptable. I won’t make any excuses. I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “No, don’t apologize. You have every right to be angry. I wasn’t honest with you from the beginning of our relationship and now this. I would understand if you never wanted to talk to me again.”
“But here’s the thing Esther, not only do I want to talk to you. I still want us to be together. I love you and nothing will change that.”
Tears flooded her eyes but she fought them back. “How can you love me when I’m such a mess? I’m not even a whole woman.”
“Don’t say that about yourself. Being able to have a child doesn’t make you any less of a woman. There are lots of women who have infertility issues and some who choose not to have children at all. Do you think any of them are less than? Esther, I didn’t fall in love with you for your ability to reproduce. I fell in love with you because of your beauty, and I’m not talking about your appearance.” Matthias moved closer until he was only inches away from her. He touched the spot where her heart was located. “Here. You have an inner beauty that radiates like nothing I’ve ever seen. The fact that you still keep going and dreaming despite what you’ve suffered through is a feat in itself. I love your smile and the way you care about other
people. I love the joy you express from even the simplest pleasures in life. You make me want to be a better man. You inspire me.”
She swiped at the trail of tears running down her cheeks. “I’m so tired of crying,” she groaned.
“It’s okay to cry. Let it out if you have to.”
On cue, a dam of emotion burst forth and Esther cried harder than she’d ever had before. Matthias took her in his embrace and held her tight as he stroked the back of her head.
“It’s okay, babe. I’m here for you. Cry all you want.”
He rocked her back and forth in his arms and she accepted the warmth and comfort he provided as her body shook with sobs.
By the time she finished her nose was running and her eyes felt swollen. Esther pulled away from him. “I’m sorry. I must look like a big mess.”
“You look beautiful to me.”
“You’re always saying that.”
“Because I mean it.”
“Let me get a tissue. I’ll be back.” Esther walked to the bathroom to blow her nose. When she looked at herself in the mirror she looked an even bigger disaster than she originally thought. Since she hadn’t cleaned off her makeup when she got home, it was smeared all over her face. She looked like a raccoon on meth. She blew her nose and washed her face before heading back to the living room.
Matthias was on the couch. She paused for a moment to look at him. He said the right things but could she give him a chance? How did she know that he wouldn’t change his mind after a while and realize he made a mistake being with her?
“Come join me.” He patted the empty space on the sofa.
Esther sat down putting as much distance between them as possible because she couldn’t concentrate properly with him so close. “Matthias, I’m sorry for not telling you about losing the baby. When we met, I was on the shot because Mike wasn’t interested in having children. He wanted to be catered to 24-7, so he didn’t want the competition. I guess enough time passed since I left him that my birth control wore off. Getting pregnant had been the last thing on my mind, especially since we always used condoms, except that one time.”
“It only takes one time.”
“Yes, I know. When I lost the baby, I didn’t know what was happening to me. The pain was so intense. But when I woke up and found out that I’d miscarried, I wanted to die. I knew Mike would probably kill me once I was released from the hospital and I welcomed it. I wanted to die because I’d lost something so precious, something you and I made together with love, something we could never recreate. It tore me apart. So when I was waiting for Mike to pick me up from the hospital, he never came. The police returned and told me that he’d been killed by a drunk driver on his way to the hospital. I was angry because I felt that I’d been cheated of the death that I desperately wanted. I think that may have been the lowest point in my life. Despite all the abuse and mental anguish, I suffered at the hands of Mike and my parents, losing the baby was the worst experience of my life. I didn’t want to burden you with the fact that I could no longer give you want you wanted. A family. I thought if I pushed you away, you could find someone else and be happy even though it broke my heart.”
Matthias scooted over and grasped her chin. “I’d be happiest with you. Esther, I can’t apologize enough for the way I overreacted at the office. I was so angry and hurt because you had so little faith in me as a person to think that something like not being able to have children would affect how I feel about you. It was also a mixture of me feel helpless and angry at myself for not being able to be there for you when you lost our child. I can’t imagine how devastating that must have been for you. I should have been more understanding. But that still doesn’t excuse it.”
Esther gripped his by the forearms and tearfully pleaded. “Think about this for a minute. Even if we gave this thing between us a shot, we may be happy for a little while but then you’d want to have a son to play catch with or a daughter to spoil rotten. You’ll see other people with children and come to resent me and that resentment would eventually turn to hate. You’re an honorable man, so you might even stay with me, but you’d always feel this contempt toward me and I don’t think I can bear that.”
“Right now, children are the furthest thing from my mind. And if ever got the itch to be a father, that’s what adoption is for.”
“But you’d want children of your own.”
“Any child I adopt would be my own. Having a biological connection with your children isn’t what makes you a father, if that was the case, my Dad wouldn’t have found it so easy to walk out on me and my mother. When or if we decide to have children, I don’t care where they come from as long as you’re they’re mother.”
Esther burst into tears again. She’d lost track of how many times she’d cried today. Matthias held her against him and rocked her back and forth. “Baby, why are you crying?”
“Because I’m going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream. I love you so much, Matthias. I’m just so scared that one day you’ll wake up and find me lacking somehow. As much as I’ve tried to tell myself that what my parents and Mike did to me wasn’t my fault, in the back of my mind, I sometimes wonder if there’s something unlovable about me.”
He cupped the sides of her face with his hands. “Babe, your parents, and Mike were psychopaths. What they did to you was criminal. Never think that you aren’t loved because you are. I love you, and Fiona loves you. Most people who come into contact with you have nothing but nice things to say about you. Your business involves working closely with people, do you think you’d be the success you are if people didn’t like you? I know you’re upset with me for going behind your back and setting that meeting up with Jennifer, but like said before, I’m a businessman and I did some research on you before I put this idea in motion. I talked to some of your previous clients and no one had a bad thing to say about you. They spoke of your professionalism, your compassion, and your kindness. That doesn’t sound like someone unworthy of being loved to me.” Matthias brushed a stray tear from her cheek.
“You did all of that for me?”
“Admittedly I initiated the process because I needed another way into your life, but like I said, if you weren’t good at what you do, I would have chosen another path.”
“So I really did earn that contract on my own?”
He nodded with a smile. “You really did.”
“Thank you for believing in me. And I’m sorry for getting upset at you for trying to help. You see, because of what I went through with Mike, I used makeup to mask the scars and bruises but then along the way, I got really good at it and I started experimenting with it for fun. I’m quite talented with is actually and it gave me a sense of pride when I’d get compliments on my makeup. It made me feel beautiful when on the inside I was a mess. After Mike died, and I needed to make a way for myself, makeup was my savior. That’s why I was so defensive about what you did.”
“You don’t have to explain that to me. I understand. I feel the same way about my firm. Imagine being fresh out of college and then you’re basically handed a multi-million dollar company to run. I floundered a bit at first but I really got a handle on things after a while. But I didn’t have the passion to run it because I didn’t build in. Even though my ex-wife set out to sabotage the business in order to wrest control away for herself, a part of me was actually relieved. It gave me an out. I was able to form L & J with Chris and trust me if someone tried to take that away from me, I’d fight tooth and nail.”
“Do you ever think about your ex?” Esther wondered.
Matthias shook his head. “Not anymore. When the divorce was fresh, I did wonder about her. Last I checked, she was fighting off a hostile takeover of the company but that’s what she wanted. I used to feel resentful toward her but now I’m just grateful.”
“Grateful? Why? After what she did?”
“If she hadn’t stabbed me in the back, we might still be together and then I wouldn’t have met you. I love you Esther, more
than life itself. I found that I can live without you and I’m sure you can live without me too, but I don’t want to because you’re my first thought when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. You make me want to be a better man.”
Esther’s heart swelled within her chest. She loved this man so much but did she dare give them a chance when every time she thought she found happiness it was snatched away from her. “Matthias, I believe you when you say you love me, but I’m so broken. I’m a mess. I still have night terrors. I open my eyes and I’m drenched in sweat. When I see men who remind me of Mike, I have panic attacks. I can’t even step foot in a church because of the trauma my parents put me through. I have to do all my praying in private. I can’t have you take on the burden of my idiosyncrasies.”
“Sweetheart, if you’re trying to scare me off, it’s not working. I want to be there for you through the good and the bad. If we have to go counseling together then so be it. Just let me love you, Esther. Say you’ll be mine because I’m already yours. I was yours from the second I laid eyes on you.”
Esther looked into Matthias’s eyes and there was only one thing she saw. Love. That was when she knew she that no matter how scared she was to let him in after all she’d been through, Esther was even more frightened to live without him. In the moment, Esther realized she was tired of being scared. There would be no more running away from him because the only place she ever wanted to run to, was in Matthias’s arms.
Epilogue