The kids must have been feeding the ducks because I remember having a bag of birdseed in my hand and Rosie spilling it on the grass then laughing as she ran away from the ducks who came to eat it. But from then on it gets sketchy. Rachel asked if I was okay as I looked really hot and sweaty all of a sudden, so I went to sit down on a bench. But that’s when my memory stops. Apparently, according to the nurses, I feinted and Rachel called an ambulance to bring me here.
When I came to in the ambulance, I remember the lovely paramedic kept telling me that my friend had taken my daughter to her house and that I wasn’t to worry as Rachel would contact my husband to let him know what was going on. I bet Rosie’s having a great time with Callum actually; they’ll have thought the ambulance debacle was a huge adventure! I know Rachel will give her tea and even put her to bed for me if needs be.
I hate hospitals with a passion. That chemical smell and the constant noise is nauseating and makes me feel ill rather than better. I must try and remember what the doctor just told me. If I can get this right in my own head now, I’ll be able to tell Ric properly: he said that they knew from me feinting and my high temperature that I must have an infection and when they went to look at my notes, the clear conclusion was that it must be coming from my uterus. It would appear that sometimes, after a miscarriage, some of the pregnancy tissue is retained and then becomes infected. What was the procedure called that they’re going to take me down for later? A ‘D and C’ or something, which will clear out my womb. When she comes over, I’m going to ask the nurse more about that because I couldn’t really take any more in when the doctor was talking; that’s as far as I got. I’m so tired.
I’m sure Ric will listen and remember everything for me when he gets here. I’ll get the nurse to try ringing him again. I know they said Rachel would be trying too but I’d have thought he’d be hear by now. Unless he’s had to pop to the suppliers this afternoon; sometimes his signal is dodgy over that way. Ah, well, I’m sure he’ll be over as soon as he hears. I’ll have to get him to bring me some better clothes in than this. It’s so embarrassing lying here in these old jeans and my fleece. It didn’t seem so scruffy for the park but a hospital’s different. Mind you, not many of my clothes are new or smart these days; there’s always something better to spend money on. I might need a nightie bringing in too if they do take me down to surgery.
Here’s the nurse now. I’ll ask her all my questions ...
SHANNON
Okay. Think, Shannon, think. You need like a plan or somethin’. But what? I can’t talk to me friends ’cos they’ve all logged off and gone to bed, even Sian who’s usually on till eleven when her mam tells her to switch off. What was it old Howden told me? If I’m feelin’ mega stressed out and got too much goin’ on in my ’ead, I could write it down. I got bollocked for laughin’ at ’im when he said it but he’s alright really, so it’s worth a try. I got one ’o them secret diaries from when I was like nine or somethin’. That’ll do ..
‘Dear diary
Today started out really good cos I got flowers off Rhys for valentines day or I thought I did I was well chuffed and couldn’t stop thinking about him all day even when Evan Jones kept staring at me in Isolation I even decided we probably would do it tonight me and Rhys that is not me and Evan LOL
When I met him at the shops after he finished at the garage he looked totally fit in his overalls but he was more quiet than normal and funny with me he said he never sent flowers to me and wanted to find out who did so he could smash his face in
I said I didn’t know and he said I must know cos people don’t just send you flowers for no reason he said it must be someone from school and that’s what his mates had always said would happen if he went out with a Year 11
I managed to convince him I didn’t know who they was from and that I didn’t fancy any of the boys in my year cos they’re all like total geeks and freaks
We was finally making up if you know what I mean ;) We was probably going to end up going down the park and doing it but my phone went it was Mum she said she needed me home straight away to bath Jack and put him to bed FFS I mean talk about timing but I’ll do anything for my little man he’s my number 1 so I kissed Rhys and went home
Before I even got in the front door I could hear them shouting and screaming at each other I went in and they stopped for a bit Rob just looked at the floor and mum said Jack was watching telly so could I take him up for his bath that’s when I knew it was too bad to ask what it was about cos they went into the kitchen and shut the door
Anyway I took my little man up stairs and ran his bath I made it really bubbly and put all his favourite bath toys in just how he likes it I got him stripped and we sang twinkle twinkle about 20 times while he had a nice play I got him some clean pjs on cos I don’t think mum has changed them for about two weeks the scruff and then he got a story for me to read I still couldn’t hear much from down stairs so I got Jack’s dummy and tucked him into bed
When I was coming down the stairs Rob shouted at me “And you may as well come and hear this Shannon” so I went into the kitchen
Mum started telling me how Rob has been seeing this slapper from the chippy called Suzie the one with the orange tan apparently it was her who sent Rob the flowers this morning not Rhys sending them to me :( and then later on a card arrived and when mum asked Rob he didn’t deny any of it
So the stupid cow was like begging the twonk to stay and finish with the fake bake and I was like Mum, have some self respect and chuck him out
That’s when it got really bad and he said it he said that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for me. Me? LMFAO what did I do? Make him go and shag the greasy chippy tart? Make her do something stupid like send cards and flowers to our house? FFS Apparently if it wasn’t for me being trouble and getting into bother at school and get this, taking too long in the bathroom in the morning FFS then my mum would be happier and easier to live with and he wouldn’t have to go and look elsewhere (too much info BTW)
So he was ranting on and Mum was crying then he said that if she really wanted him to stay then I’d have to go go where I asked him but he said he didn’t care and he’d had enough of me and it was me or him
The worst bit of it all was that Mum didn’t say a word she just kept crying even when I looked at her and begged her to pick me so I came up to my room
Well that’s it if she even has to think about it for a second that’s not good enough for me I’m off
I could go to Gran’s but she’s dead old and would want me in bed by like 8 and her spare room smells a bit funny and I don’t think she’d ever give me any money for going out what with being on her pension and all and she lives the other side of town so I’d have to get a bus to see Rhys’
That’s it! It worked! Thanks Howden, you old bugger. I’ve got a plan now. Writin’ it down did the trick. I’m going to go and live at Rhys’s house. He’s got like five brothers an’ sisters or somethin’ so one more won’t be a problem. His twin brother has his girlfriend over to stay all the time, Rhys says. I’ll text him in the morning. Best get some sleep now then ’cos I bet those two won’t hear Jack in the morning and it’ll be muggins ’ere who has to get up for ’is bottle.
SARAH
Look at me! I think I look happier. Unless these toilet mirrors are like the flattering, slimming ones they have in some of the clothes shops which make my mammoth size twenty two body look like an almost respectable size eighteen, and they put roses in your cheeks, whiten your teeth and widen your smile. Where’s my lipstick in this mess of a handbag? I must tidy it up when I get home. There it is. That makes an even better picture. Mirror mirror on the wall ...
I’m so thrilled Tim reacted the way he did today. Although I’m quite surprised how quickly he came around to the idea of us being content without children. It was almost like a relief to him too. Maybe he never really wanted kids in the first place. Now there’s a worrying thought. Did I push him into it, I wonder?
No, he always seemed so excited when we talked about it and planned our future. And he was never reluctant on the practical side of trying either! Perhaps he was just keeping me happy; that’s Tim all over. Oh, I don’t know. I think we do need to talk some more when he gets back from the stag weekend but I’m satisfied he’s alright with it all for now and it’s a weight off my mind knowing I’ve told him how I feel.
I bet he’s thinking of how to spend the ‘Baby Pot’ too. I’ll have to watch out for deliveries of new golf clubs and that fancy computer he’s always going on about. I’d best get a holiday booked soon before it’s all spent up! I quite fancy Barbados, this year, splash out on a real bit of luxury. One of the doctors at work says it’s amazing. Our grown up world is something to really look forward to, how ever we spend our money and time. Even just lazy weekends reading the newspapers and pub lunches in the countryside seem attractive when there’s no underlying wish that it could be different. I must remember to pray for our new future at church on Sunday.
And that meal was fabulous. I could eat my prawn starter all over again and that chocolate fudge cake was to die for. I’m glad Tim’s driving so I can finish that bottle of wine before he drops me back at home. There is something to be said for peaceful child-free restaurants too. We’d probably have ended up in fast food outlets every weekend with children; fine dining would have become a distant memory.
I can’t believe it has taken me so long to realise what my priorities are in life. The world expects every married couple to produce offspring and when they don’t, they feel like a failure. We are not failures; we are fully satisfied human beings with a wonderful relationship and successful careers. Why should I care what the world wants when all I want is a quiet life, with my husband, enjoying the fruits of our labour? I had become so wrapped up in my baby tunnel that I couldn’t see this truth.
I will keep my promise to lose weight though. And I’m going to be serious about it this time. No more take aways, no more chocolate or crisps and I’m going to go to the gym with a better attitude. Victoria Beckham doesn’t look that good without a little hard work and sacrifice. Pretending I was eating well and being half hearted about exercise was just getting me down. This is where my downward spiral stops.
Right. Tim’s going to wonder what on Earth I’ve been doing in here for so long. I’m glad there was no-one else in here; they’d’ve thought I was bonkers too, putting my lippy on three times and admiring at myself in the mirror. Nothing wrong with a little but of daydreaming now and again. Anyway, Tim said he was going to ask for the bill. That’ll leave just enough time to finish the wine and then Tim’ll drop me back at home on his way to the airport.
ME
Oh how I enjoyed that! Once the disorientation has settled, rejoining the human race is actually quite sublime. In my timeless, weightless, shapeless state I had forgotten what it is to be alive. To be real again and to feel again, floods me with desire to be reborn.
To feel Vicky’s clothes against her skin reignited my sensations. The cool, silky material enveloped her body and every fibre seemed to tease her nerve endings as she moved throughout the evening.
My senses, once fully awake, became intoxicated when Sarah devoured her lunch. Sweet followed savoury, rough combined with smooth and sent me to forgotten heights of ecstasy. Never before had I appreciated a full culinary experience, from the first flavours detected by the taste buds on our tongues to the divine feeling of satisfaction at the pit of the stomach.
Now on a mission to experience these basic human functions, I tuned into the smells around me. Although Nell despised it, I absorbed the smell of that hospital with a thirst that could not be quenched. Disinfectant pervades, in its attempt to triumph over the others but a keen nose can detect all sorts of other odours in such a place. Bodily excretions are in abundance there: blood, vomit, sweat, urine, faeces. No-one wants to see them or smell them or even admit that they exist but we all know that without them, we could not function as human beings.
I even found great pleasure in listening to Shannon’s parents arguing. Of course, my great sadness lay with the innocent plight of the girl and her brother. However, to hear two people so passionate about their point of view that their voices battle for supremacy and invade the silence of all those around them, makes a mark on the world. To heighten the emotions of another human being is to let them know that they are not alone, that they are eternally intertwined with others in the race.
As if sensing all of the things that these women were experiencing wasn’t enough, I began to feel their emotions. When Vicky was preparing to ask Dan to marry her, she had several failed attempts. Every time she thought about pausing the party to make the announcement, I felt a rush of adrenaline through her veins and the way it seemed to stop at her pounding heart. When she finally found the courage to see it through, the anticipation of what would happen next was almost too much to bare. Her lips trembled with every word she uttered and her voice altered as her mouth dried. Here I was, perching on the edge of a life changing moment.
Of course these women haven’t all had such excitement in their lives today. When Shannon’s mother stood by her husband rather than her daughter, the rejection felt almost physical, as if someone had driven a knife into to the poor girl’s heart. She is so confused as she enters the adult world and as such, is unable to voice her fears to anyone.
Nell’s pain is equally difficult to experience. The wall with which she surrounds herself is impenetrable by others which makes her grief stifling, as it bounces back, unable to escape beyond her self-made barrier. At times, I felt that this overload was sufficient to knock me right back out of Nell’s body.
Sarah has travelled an emotional journey of late and her disappointment and feelings of failure have been uplifted by her sudden optimism and hope for the future. She is strong in her faith and believes that her god will provide guidance. I have felt this strength and it is inspiring. To see the best in our lives and to find joy in despair is to step out of a dark hole and run towards the sunrise.
What I still find fascinating about all of these women, however, are their priorities. They value things that were so much less precious to me in former lives. Whether it be a wardrobe full of clothes, or pointless electronic devices, they seem to define themselves and their happiness by what they have and what they own. Vicky spends her life trying to impress the world around her with what she wears and with the interior of her house; Nell’s unhappiness is exacerbated because she cannot afford to do either of these things. Sarah feels her life will be enhanced by spending her money and Shannon most certainly would not be able to function without her laptop or mobile telephone. In my uncertain state, one thing I do know, is that no-one really finds their happiness this greedy, gathering of belongings and material wealth. As I struggle to understand them, I recall the last days of someone I used to be, someone who’s needs were so much more basic ...
JIYA
The months leading up to my end were, as I remember, pleasant enough. Despite our circumstances, my memories are filled with sunshine and laughter. Earlier that year, Pitaa had finally decided to allow us go to school and my sisters and I could not have been more delighted. Maataa had asked him before but every time he had said there was no virtue in educating us. What would we learn from school that would equip us for the rest of our lives? How to be a good wife and look after the children? No, he would say, they shall stay at home and help here.
But then the lady from the Garden School came to visit. She had been going around lots of houses in Dharmapur, telling families about a new opportunity for their children.
“Pah!” Pitaa exclaimed sarcastically, “If it’s as good as the anganwadi, we’ll all be eternally grateful!”
I remembered the previous year when well-dressed people would come to the feeding points and dole out ladles of gruel to me and my sisters as we stood, holding out our tin pots on the hot, dusty street. At first, it was every day. They fed only the c
hildren but I could see the relief in Maataa’s eyes when we returned with full bellies and she knew that some of us, at least, would not go to sleep hungry that night. One day, we waited in vain, just to return home with shining but unused pots. They did return after that but no-one could predict when and on the occasions they did, the gruel became less and less. Someone in the town told Pitaa that the workers were selling the food for profit in more affluent areas of Bhopal.
“And don’t even speak to me about the ration cards!” Pitaa broke my day dream, “The government has no idea what life is like for us.”
“No, sir,” the lady spoke softly, “This will be different; it’s not like the government schools. The government will not be involved. The Garden School is entirely charitable and organised through the goodwill and generous donations of our kind benefactors. Your children will be provided with the kind of skills that will help them in whatever job they choose to do when they are older. We will even liaise with employers to ensure that older children are able to combine school with work.”
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