by Shyla Colt
“So this mess we hear around town about you dating the wrong kind of man is just gossip?” Daddy’s asks.
I glance at the ceiling and sigh. This is one thing I will never miss about life in a small town. Everyone knew everyone’s business.
“Some might look down on Jagger. He rides a motorcycle and belongs to a motorcycle club. They own quite a few business in San Mateo and the surrounding areas. Bars and Grills, Pawn shops, small places like that.” I decide to leave out the Strip Club and the Medical Marijuana Dispensary.
“You don’t think it’s a bit too soon to have a gentleman caller?” my father asks.
“I did. We were friends first. We liked to go to different local restaurants together. Then we found we enjoyed our time together so much we branched out to doing other things like hiking or going to amusement parks. Before we knew it, we were dating. I thought about waiting, because like you said, it seemed soon. Then I thought about how all the worries, caution, and proper etiquette did nothing to save me from Brooks. Tragedy comes for us all regardless of how many rules we follow. I trust Jagger as much as I can trust anyone these days. We have fun, and he treats me well. It’s new, and we’re still figuring things out. That’s why I haven’t mentioned him yet. That’s all I have to say about the topic really.”
My mother frowns but holds her tongue when Daddy shoots her a look. He’s always been a fan of allowing me to make my own decisions.
“That’s good enough for us. I knew James was a windbag. He and that sharp-tongued Harpie of his, have been doing everything they can to paint their over indulged murderous son of a bitch son into a better light. If they had told the brat no and tanned his hide a few times growing up, he wouldn’t be this way.”
My jaw drops. A godly man, I can count the number of times I’ve heard my daddy cuss.
“Daddy! Virgil,” My mother and I chime.
“A man has his limits too,” he mumbles, standing from the table. “I’m going to enjoy a smoke on the front porch before I call it a night.”
“I think I’m going to get ready for bed too. All that driving has tuckered me out.”
“Okay, baby, sweet dreams and we’ll see you in the morning.”
I kiss her cheek on the way to my room. My phone vibrates. I pull it from my pocket and frown. It’s a California number I don’t recognize it. Maybe Jagger is calling from the club?
“Hello?”
“Mrs. Birling?”
“Yes,” I say trying to place the smooth alto.
“This is Detective Russel.”
“Oh, God. Did you get him?” I ask. Excitement and fear slam together to make a gravity altering cocktail. I stumble in the hallway and lean against the wall. My body trembles and my legs weaken. I dig my heels in and balance my weight to remain standing.
“No, Ma’am. We’ve received an anonymous tip. He was allegedly spotted in San Diego. We think maybe he’d been hiding in Mexico and crossed back over to the United States.”
“Oh, My God.”
“We can send an officer by your home if you’d like.”
“Um. No. I’m not there. I’m actually on vacation in Tennessee.”
“That’s probably for the best. This could be a wild goose chase, but I always prefer to be safe rather than sorry, so I wanted to warn you to be extra cautious. I’ll have some men patrol in your area to keep an eye on your place. I also want you to contact me when you return.”
“Yes, Sir,” I whisper steel trying to recover from the blow.
“I’m sorry this wasn’t better news.”
Me too.
“Thank you, Detective. I appreciate you keeping me in the loop.” The older man with graying black hair, kind brown eyes that had seen too much, and a relatively fit frame had been a godsend. I truly felt he wanted to catch Brooks. I hang up, shell-shocked and on edge. I was certain he’d be as far away as possible by now. Has he been lurking in town this entire time? Was he stalking me? I stumble into my room like a zombie as the panic sets in. Closing the door behind myself, I slid to the floor, and place my spinning head between my knees as I struggle to breathe around the massive weight sitting on my chest. I clench and unclench my fists as I battle the familiar tightening and heat flashes going off in my body.
My brain is too crowded. I cover my mouth to hide the sobs that escape between gasps for air. Just like that he’s stolen my peace. The very thought of him anywhere near me sends me into meltdown mode. No one can know. I refuse to let him ruin this for Whitney. I focus on counting as I wrestle with my breathing. I can do this. I have to. Inhale. Exhale. There’s enough air. I can breathe. I struggle through the episode and rush to my bag to erase the signs of the break with eye drops and make-up wipes. A few more days and Whitney will be settled in, and I’ll have the entire drive home to agonize. I ignore Dr. Adam’s voice in my head, telling me bottling things up only leads to more problems down the road. I have to function. That’s the only thing on my mind right now. I place a hand onto my queasy stomach. I wonder once more what his plan for me was. Would he have hidden my body, or told the police I had an accident? And to what ends? What had he expected to gain? Is he coming back to finish the job? I remind myself it was a tip. They turn out to be hearsay more times than not, right? Silence is my only answer.
***
I thought I was prepared for this day, but I was dead wrong. I hesitate inside the cheery dorm room. The mirror has been hung, the desk is organized, and the bed has been made with the cute black and white polka dot bedding and accent pillows. Her clothes have been put away in her drawer, and every inch of the space has been cleaned to my specifications.
The only thing left to do is leave her here to wait for her roommate to arrive. My stomach clenches. My daughter is starting her first year of college at the college of William and on the other side of the country in Williamsburg, Virginia on a full ride. I’m proud, sad, and scared to not be a phone call away. After all the drama in San Diego, I understand her need for distance, but it’s been a tough pill to swallow.
I turn to her. “So this is see you later.”
Her lower lip trembles. “Hey, no tears, sweetie. You’re going to slay this year, and I am always a phone call away.”
She nods her head. “I know. I just. I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’m going to miss you too,” I say as we huge tightly. Staying will prolong the painful experience for both of us. I hug until she lets go, and I step back, swiping at my eyes. “I think I sprang a leak.
“Must be a contagious virus,” she agrees. The week we’ve shared was our long goodbye. Being on the road with my baby was a much-needed girl’s vacation. We bonded and expelled the demons we’d both been holding too close to our chest.
I sniff. “Okay, I’m actually leaving this time. I love you, and I’m so proud of you.”
“Love you too Mama.”
I kiss her forehead and step back. Walking out of the room is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I dig my fingernails into my palms and keep my smile pasted on my lips. I make it inside the car before I break down. I rest my head against the steering wheel, start the car up and crank the AC. I don’t have to be hot and miserable. I call the one person who’ll make me feel better.
“Is she settled?” Jagger says.
“Yes.” I choke on my tears.
“Aww, B. You okay?”
“I will be. I’m happy for her. I really am. But oh my God, am I going to miss her.”
“I’ll make sure you’re plenty occupied.”
The sexually charged sentence makes me laugh, despite myself. “You’re awful.”
“Awfully smart. Yeah, I am. Listen, I’ll call you, later on, tonight. Right now I’m at work.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, never be sorry for needing me.”
His words melt me like chocolate in th
e sun. He doesn’t even have to try. I used to think it was game. A repertoire he’d learned to use on women. After seeing him with the Kings. I know it’s not true. Cheered by my daily dose of Jagger, I pull myself together. A nagging voice says I should talk about the possible sighting, but I slap a piece of duct tape on her mouth and shove her in a trunk. She can come out when I get back home and have a session with Dr. Adams.
Chapter Eight
Freeze
“Girl, just go check on the stock in the back,” I bark at Tinley. She’s catching hell from me. I’m in a shit mood, and her hovering has my close to the edge. I know she wants to do well here. Dixie Rose left some big shoes to fill, but I’m not about to be micromanaged by a child. The twenty-two-year-old might be great with numbers and have years of experience, but if she doesn’t learn how to work with me, she’s going to get her feelings hurt.
I need space and calm. She acts like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. That came straight from B’s country ass. I miss my woman enough to admit I need to ask for a permanent transfer. Now that I have something soft and sweet to hold onto and spend myself in, I’m not keen to be leaving it for months at a time unless I have to. It’s been a long week and a half, and I get to see her tonight as soon as we close. Which is why I have Tinley restocking.
“Shit! We got two coming in hot and armed, Freeze,” the Prospect, Slick manning the surveillance cries.
“Tinley lock the room down, and don’t you dare come out,” I bark. I trust her to lock the door and remain behind the bullet proof glass as I remove the gun I have a conceal and carry license for. I knew this day would come. I run toward the front. Some stupid motherfucker is about to test us. A loud pow explodes in the space. They have a shotgun. The first set of doors is breached. I brace myself against the wall in their blind spot. There’s a reason why we have the hallway that leads in from the first doors.
I hope Motley, the Prospect at the door was wearing vest. I see the first man come into view and I aim for the head. A sound like a rotten melon hitting the ground fills the space and blood and gray matter splatter against the wall. His partner shoots off a shot and I throw myself away as the bullet takes a chunk out of the wall. I roll and regroup, shooting out a kneecap. He screams as he hits the floor. Slick rushes over, kicks him down and plants a boot on his chest. “Give me a reason to send you to hell with your friend over there.”
I stand, aim my gun at the ground and walk over to the man at the start of the hallway. It should be a given that he’s dead, but I’ve seen people Lazarus before. I kneel and check his neck for a pulse. Dead. I hurry outside to find Motley dissertated, bleeding from the head, bound and gagged.
“You okay, brother?” I tuck the gun back in my holster, kneel and untie him. I have him loose when the sound of sirens reach us, and the flashing blueberries and cherries light the block. It’s going to be a long ass night. The entire block is shut down as they pour in with an ambulance, a coroner, and CSI.
“Headshot?” the corner asks.
“He had body armor and a shotgun. Would you risk it? I had no way of knowing if they were packing slugs or birdshot.”
The man nods. “This is a good point.”
“I’m the owner of this shop. I need to get inside. Stone Mathers. Yeah, I got my ID, and once I show it to you, I want inside.”
A few moments later, he’s entering the room scanning the area.
“She’s fine. She was re-stocking when it happened. So she put the room into lock down mode. A detective is speaking with her in the office, but it’s pretty cut and dry, and it was all recorded.” I shrug. Even if they want to pin this on us, they can’t. It was self-defense.
He pats my shoulder. “You did good, brother.”
“Thanks, P.”
The detective steps out with tapes in hand. “Alright. It looks like we have all we need and then some. If you’ll stop by tomorrow to have your official statements taken, we’ll get this all wrapped up.”
I stick my hand out. “Thank you, Detective Russel.”
“I call it how I see it. It’s pretty clear what happened here. It’s not the first time folks have tried for fast cash and got more than they bargained, for.”
“Are you the owner?” he asks Stone.
“Yes, sir.”
“Let’s talk and walk. I have a lot of paperwork to do on this one.”
I peer outside and groan as the clunky white news van pulls up. I close my eyes and rub my temples. The long night is getting longer by the second.
“How long do you think this will take to fix?” I ask as midnight rolls around and the place is finally empty.
“With our money, I’ll have us back here in no more than three days tops.”
“Jagger?” I glance up stunned to see a ragged, Blanche hovering by the caution tape.
“Blanche, what are you doing here?”
“It was on the news, and you didn’t answer you phone. I was so worried. I had to do something.”
I glance at Stone.
“Go, all’s done that needs to be. I’m going to make sure Tinley arrives home okay.”
I bet you will.
“Alright. Thanks.”
I walk out of the gaping hole the Prospects will board with plywood once Stone gives the order and duck under the tape.
She cups my face, “Are you okay?”
I cover them with my hands and nod. “I’m whole, B.”
“I haven’t been that terrified in a long time. I thought about what I’d do if you were gone.” She shakes her head.
“But I’m not going anywhere.”
Her body shakes.
“Man, you’re really freaked aren’t you?”
She tilts her head back and meets my gaze. “I’m going to say something, and you don’t have to say it back. I just. I need you to know. Life’s insane, and I can’t have something happen to one of us and you not know that I love you.”
My tongue sticks to the roof of my tongue, and I stare down at the woman who’s dropped the equivalent of an A-bomb on me. I’ve never said those words to another human that I can recall or had them say them to me. I stumble back from her. Her face falls.
“No. No. Don’t do that. I just.” I run my hand through my hairs.
“You’re tired, you’ve been through a lot, and it’s late. I don’t expect anything from you, Jagger. There’s no right or wrong response. I-I’m sorry if I freaked you out. This admission was for me.”
“I don’t. You can’t just say that and expect me to.” It’s like my brain is short circuiting. I take a step toward her and a step back. I want to hold her and go for a long ride at the same time. I need to think.
“I didn’t think it would upset you.”
“I. I don’t know what I am. You know my past.” I grit my teeth. “No one’s every said that to me that I can remember.”
Her eyes widen.
“I’m sorry, B. I just. I need to go.” I want to slam my hand into a wall and destroy things. I don’t want to set her off with my rage.
She nods her head sadly, and I spin on my heel, only to turn back. “Let me walk to your car.”
“I can get there just fine on my own.” Her edgy tone scraps my raw nerves.
“Now ain’t the time, B.” I grab her arm and steer her toward the SUV I see a few blocks down.
“The time to what? Have emotions, Freeze.”
The use of my road name infuriates me.
“Freeze? I do one thing you don’t like, and you’re already taking back what you said.”
“No, I’m not. You’re turning into someone I don’t know right before my eyes.”
“I told you this would happen.”
She shakes her head. “Only if you let it. You’re choosing to run. I’m not casting you out, or demanding what you’re not ready to give
.”
“Right. Like you aren’t upset.”
“That your answer is to run from our first disagreement? Yeah, that pisses me off.”
“I’m not running.”
“Then what are you doing?”
“Clearing my head, so I don’t ruin everything.”
“Oh,” she whispers. “Why didn’t you just say that?”
I want to shake her. “Didn’t I?”
“No, you said you had to go like I’ve suddenly become a leper.”
“Fuck. See. I can’t even do this right—”
“Hey, we both agreed we were learning here.”
Her voice is soft again, the way it usually is with me. We reach her car, and I kiss her forehead.
“I’ll call you tomorrow. Or should I say later on today?”
“You’d better.”
The minute she climbs into the seat, I slam the door and back away. She pulls away from the curb and I all but run to my bike. I’d never thought about this part. Telling her, I love her would put my head on the chopping block. Remaining silent hurt her. Despite her saying otherwise. This is my last wall. I don’t get tired of her ever. I want to be around her constantly, and it scares the piss out of me. If I give her this, there will be nothing to anchor me or keep me from completely falling. I don’t know what that will look or feel like.
I start the bike and pull out, letting the road and the rumble sooth me. I’m still wondering what she wants with me. She’s got money, a degree, a family who loves her. She might not have a ton of friends, but the one I met is the kind people rarely find even once in their lifetime. So what is she doing with me? How can she love me? What I want and what I’m willing to accept and believe are at war. I was never enough for anyone else growing up. Can I be right for her? I earn my keep with the club. I keep everyone safe. I understand my place with them and why we work.
Blanche is uncharted territory, and that unsettles me. When she threw the l-word down it took away my control of the situation. I hit the highway and let the wind blow away the memories of rejections. Blanche had nothing to do with those people, and if I let them keep me from her, they win. I’m not big on losing. Fuck. I sent home the woman who left her house at midnight to make sure I was okay. I’m bad at this, but I’m smart enough to know I screwed up. How the hell am I going to make this up? I pull off on the next exit, find A Walmart and pull into a parking space. I do what everyone does when they don’t know something. I ask Google.