by Karey White
He felt sure of that. It felt as natural to think of Celia in his life tomorrow as it did to think that the sun would come up the next morning or that Aunt Nancy would have black licorice in her purse. Silas liked her. This felt right to him, and he almost couldn’t remember the loneliness he had felt for most of his life.
He didn’t tell Celia the way he was feeling. He didn’t want to scare her off with a hasty declaration, so he’d take it slow and let her feelings catch up to his.
They held hands as they walked to the front door. The light was on inside, and through an open window, they could hear the judges on a dancing show talking.
“Want to sit out here a few minutes?” Silas motioned to the swing on the other side of the porch.
Celia grinned. “Still not ready to call it a night?”
Silas held the swing still as she sat down and pulled her legs up on the seat beside her. “Maybe we should have kept driving.”
“We could have driven on to Portland next,” Celia said.
“I hear they have a good ice cream p-place there.”
“Got a craving for some vanilla now?” Celia asked.
“I’ll let you choose for m-me next time so you’ll have nothing to criticize.” Silas put his arm around her and she rested her hand on his leg. He reached over with his other hand and played with her fingers.
“If the only thing I can find to criticize is your ice cream choices, you’re doing all right. Besides, I’m teasing, not criticizing.” It was an effort to keep her breathing even as she watched their hands.
“Today was a good day,” Silas said.
“Almost perfect.”
Silas tilted his head away and looked at Celia. “Almost?”
She jostled him with her elbow. “If we say it was perfect, we’ve got nothing to look forward to. We’ll just be looking back and talking about today.”
“Hmm. I like that answer.”
They sat quietly on the swing, their movement slow and hypnotizing as Silas gently pushed off with his foot. Inside the house the host announced that Jaz and Miguel would perform a waltz, and a song began playing. The melody floated out the window and danced across the porch.
“You might think the breeze is blowing just to make you colder, but darling don’t you know that breeze is saying, man, just hold her. You might think the moon is glowing just to light the skies, but you’d be wrong ’cause girl that moon is there to light your eyes.”
It was almost embarrassing how romantic the song was, and it reminded Silas of dancing with Celia a few weeks ago. It surprised him how much his feelings had changed. That night all he’d wanted was to gather enough courage to ask her to dance. Now he was a man thinking about a future with a woman who made him comfortable while lighting a fire in him. Not long ago, he had refused to look too far down the road because when he did, all he saw was an older, lonelier version of himself. Now he saw so much more. It was like she’d taken his black and white life and painted it with bright colors.
Aunt Nancy turned off the television, and the patch of living room light that had lit the far end of the porch disappeared. Earl Murphy’s dog barked wildly for a couple of minutes—probably chasing a squirrel or a skunk—until Earl came out and called the dog inside.
Silas shifted in the swing so he was facing Celia. Her face looked soft in the pale glow of the porch light. When she looked back at him, he didn’t look away. Instead he held her gaze and moved closer until both of them shut their eyes at the same moment that their lips met. Her lips were soft and sweet and he let the kiss linger for several seconds. When he began to pull away, Celia moved her hand to his jaw and pulled him close, kissing him back. It was as if the gesture opened Silas’s soul and he suddenly felt a longing for things he hadn’t allowed himself to want. There, with his eyes closed, their lips moving together, a world of possibilities flourished. He felt brave and strong and worthy.
He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, wanting to erase any distance between them, wanting the closeness to fuse them together so tightly, neither of them would ever again have to face the world alone.
He smiled to himself when Celia finally went inside and he walked back to his Jeep. If he had been falling for her before, today had sent him crashing down the hill like a skier in an avalanche.
Celia closed the door and gently turned the lock. The room was dark except for a glow from the porch light outside and the bathroom light down the hall. Nancy had gone to bed. Had she known Celia and Silas were outside? She felt her face redden as she thought of Nancy peeking through the curtains to see them kissing in the swing.
She leaned against the door and listened as the sound of Silas’s Jeep faded away down the lane. She smiled and touched her just-kissed lips. Was it only this morning she had sat on the rock watching the water and wishing Silas would hold her hand. It had taken every speck of her courage to put her arm through his. Like an airplane taking off, the day felt like it had picked up speed, carrying her faster and faster toward the feelings she felt tonight.
Silas. She couldn’t even think of his name without feeling like an embarrassing cliché. Her heart melted, her knees were weak, her pulse raced. He wasn’t like any man she had ever met. He didn’t bluster or brag. His actions weren’t meant to impress. He quietly moved through his life, responsible and kind. He cared for his aunt and he worked hard.
After what Damien had done to her, Celia had thought she’d never trust another man, but without even knowing Celia needed her faith restored, Silas had shown her how different a man could be.
As Celia fell asleep, her mind drifted to the last few minutes of the drive to Eugene. At that moment—after sharing so many details about their pasts—Celia had wanted to tell him about the baby. He was so gentle, so wonderful, surely he would understand and not hold it against her. She imagined what his reaction would be. His kind eyes would recognize her pain and he would pull her into his arms. He would tell her he was sorry for what she had gone through, and he would promise to help her get through whatever was to come. He would hold her hand while she chose who should raise the child and he would let her cry on his shoulder when her heart was breaking.
All she needed to do was find the right time to tell him. She’d figure that out another time. She didn’t want to dream about hard things tonight. She turned over and looked at the sliver of moon through the bedroom window. Tonight she wanted to dream about swings and love songs and almost perfect kisses.
“Adam needs to see you before you head out today.” Jean worked the front desk at the Deschutes Ranger Station. “He’s in his office.”
Silas knocked on the frame of Adam’s open door. Adam, who was on the phone, motioned for Silas to come in and take a seat.
“Silas just got here, so I’ll fill him in,” Adam said into the phone. “He worked a few fires with First Strike last year, so he knows their protocol. Good luck up there.”
Adam hung up the phone and turned to Silas. “How soon can you have things arranged to leave for a few days?”
Silas’s heart fell. He’d never minded overnight assignments before—Aunt Nancy didn’t mind taking care of Winston—but now it meant leaving Celia. “What’s happening?”
“We’ve got a fire up at China Hat. First Strike is on their way there, but we need you there. I want to say it’s only a day or two, but it’s been so dry, I’m worried.”
Silas put aside his disappointment. “I can be out of here in an hour.”
“Good. I want to get this thing put out as fast as possible. I hope we don’t get hit as hard as some forests. Salmon-Challis is battling four fires this morning.”
“Is it Carlos’s team or M-Manny’s?”
“You’ve got Carlos on this one.” Silas nodded and stood. “Be careful out there.”
Aunt Nancy was sitting on the front porch drinking a cup of coffee when he drove by, so he stopped.
“Can I b-bring Winston over for a couple of days? There’s a fire at China Hat.”
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Aunt Nancy met him at the steps. “Oh Silas, I was hoping you wouldn’t get sent out this summer.”
Silas laughed. “They didn’t send m-me to training so I could stay home and watch the fires on the news.”
“I know. But I hate it.”
“Is Celia here?”
“She’s back in the garden. Trying to beat the heat.”
“Thanks.” Silas kissed her cheek and jogged back to the pickup.
“Be careful. And call me when you’re headed back.”
Silas saluted and headed down the lane. Celia pulled a hoe beside a row of zucchini, clearing the shallow irrigation trench. At the sound of the pickup, she turned toward the lane. Silas pulled onto the grassy shoulder and turned off the engine.
Celia smiled as he walked toward her, and another surge of disappointment coursed through him. The last few days since their marathon date had been so different. He had worried things would be awkward after that day, the spell broken. But the next day had been just as easy, just as thrilling. If anything, the electricity had sparked stronger. Celia filled his thoughts. He couldn’t wait to see her and when he was with her, he couldn’t wait to touch her. He loved his aunt, but he found himself counting down the minutes until she’d go to bed or until he and Celia could politely go for a walk so he could kiss her again.
“What are you doing home?” Celia asked when he got closer.
“There’s a fire at China Hat. I m-might be gone a few days.”
“Where’s China Hat?”
“It’s a couple hours away.”
“You’ll be fighting the fire?”
Silas nodded and took the hoe out of her hands and let it fall by their feet. “I wanted to see you b-before I leave.”
Celia put her arms around his waist and they pulled each other close. “Is it dangerous?”
“Sometimes, but I’ll b-be careful. We’ll go to Wild Rose when I get back.”
“Please be safe.” Celia’s voice sounded strained.
Silas put his hands on each side of her neck. “Of course, I will. Don’t look so serious.” He rubbed his thumb along her jaw and smiled at her. “It’s not a b-big deal. I’m trained for this. And I won’t be gone long.”
Celia smiled but it didn’t erase the worried expression. Silas pulled her close again. “I’ll miss you.” He said it slowly, not wanting to stutter over the words. Then he leaned down and kissed her. It was difficult to pull away, but he knew the sooner they got the fire put out, the sooner he could come home, and coming home was sweeter now than it had ever been.
A crushing weight settled on Celia’s heart as she watched Silas walk back to his work pickup. She tried not to picture him out there fighting a fire, flames all around him. She said a silent prayer that he’d return safely. “And please let it be soon,” she added aloud.
Of course she hated that he was leaving, but she was also disappointed about the change in plans. Tonight had been the night. They had planned to go to Bend for dinner at a Thai restaurant Silas liked, and Celia had decided this would be the night she would tell him about the baby.
Instinctively, she put her hand on her growing abdomen. There was no denying it was growing and she had wanted to tell Silas before the appointment she had scheduled the following day.
Doctor Vernon had a friend who was an adoption attorney. When Celia explained it was difficult to get to Bend, he had arranged for Mr. Walker to meet with her at the clinic. In Celia’s daydreams, she had pictured Silas offering to accompany her to the appointment, but now he would be at China Peak or China Bonnet or wherever it was they were sending him.
She dug the hoe in deeper, taking out her disappointment on the soil. When she accidentally cut off a long, flowering stock of squash plant, she felt ashamed. She had no right to feel angry. Yes, Silas would be gone for a few days and her plans to tell him were delayed, but how could she feel anything but joy right now. Silas had come to see her before he left. It was obvious he was developing strong feelings for her. They had seen each other every day since their drive to Eugene and he was attentive and affectionate.
And it wasn’t only that there was attraction. Sure, he was eager to kiss her, but he was also kind and spoke of things they would do in the future. It didn’t feel like this was a quick crush that would soon evaporate, and instead of being frustrated that he was leaving, she should feel grateful and excited that he had become part of her life.
She finished the row then turned on the water and watched it flood the channel she had furrowed. When the pickup passed down the lane again, she waved at Silas. Then, unable to stop herself, she blew him a kiss.
“You look nice,” Nancy said when Celia came into the kitchen. “You must be working today.”
“Yeah. And next week I’ll be working every day. Ellis is flying to South Carolina on Sunday.”
“He said you sold another big painting.”
Celia grinned. “I didn’t really do anything. All I did was point out how great the colors were and how it was a perfect example of abstract realism. Don’t tell anyone, but I don’t even know if that’s a real term. It just sounded good.” Nancy laughed. “Any word from Silas?” Celia sounded worried.
“No. I don’t usually hear from him until he’s on his way back. They have a lot going on when they’re fighting fires and they don’t usually have phone service. I’m sure Jean will call if there’s a problem.”
Celia nodded. “I guess I’ll see you this afternoon.”
It was sweet to see Celia worrying about Silas. The poor girl had asked so many questions the night before, Nancy had felt like she was teaching Fighting Forest Fires 101. Maybe they should go to a movie tonight to give them both a distraction.
Nancy hurried to the front door to run the idea by Celia before she left. Before she could call her name, she realized Celia had turned right and was walking away from the gallery. Come to think of it, it was a little early for her to be going to work. Nancy wondered where she might be going, but then chastised herself. Celia was an adult. If she wanted to stop by the bakery or visit a friend, that was her business.
She would call her at the gallery later and ask her about the movie.
“Mr. Walker isn’t here yet,” Lacy said when Celia arrived at the clinic. “Dr. Vernon said to have you meet in his office.” Lacy led Celia down the hall and motioned for her to take a seat. “Are you doing okay?”
Celia nodded. “I’m fine. Thank you.”
“Let me know if you need anything.” Lacy pulled the door almost shut.
On the wall opposite Dr. Vernon’s diplomas and certificates hung a painting of a forest. For the thousandth time, Celia thought about Silas out there fighting a forest fire. In her mind, she pictured him with flames shooting high in the air all around him. She hoped reality was safer than her imagination.
“You must be Celia.” A tall reed of a man stepped through the door, his hand extended. His appearance was the exact opposite of Dr. Vernon, and Celia thought it might be amusing to see them standing side by side. Celia stood to shake his hand. “Sorry I’m late. I had an appointment in Redmond that took a little longer than I expected.”
He settled himself in the chair beside Celia, opened his briefcase, and put a few folders on the front of Dr. Vernon’s desk. Then he turned to Celia, clapped his hands as if he were breaking a huddle and turned his full attention to her.
“I don’t know much about your case—doctor patient privilege and all—so I need to ask some basic questions to get us started. Some of these might be sensitive, but we need to establish exactly what we’re dealing with here.”
Celia was glad Mr. Walker was forgoing small talk. “Of course.”
“Dr. Vernon said you’ve moved from Illinois?” He looked up to see Celia nod. “Good. I’ve looked over Illinois case law and called a colleague from Champaign to find out the paternity laws there. Should you decide to place your child for adoption, we don’t want any father coming along and crying foul.”
Celia tried to rein in her panic. She didn’t like thinking about Damien at all, but thinking he might have the right to say what should happen to this baby was too much to fathom.
Mr. Walker continued. “Were you married to the father?”
Celia flinched. “No.”
Mr. Walker wrote something on his paper and continued speaking without looking up. “Do you know the identity of the father?”
He may not have meant to, but the question made Celia feel sick, like she was on a trashy talk show and the host was trying to establish paternity from among a row of sleazy frat boys.
“I know his first name. And I would recognize him if I saw him in a lineup.”
Mr. Walker looked surprised then his expression softened. “Dr. Vernon said there were extenuating circumstances here, but he couldn’t give me details. I’m under the same privacy privilege, and I’m here to help you.”
“Okay.” Celia’s hands ached from clasping them so tightly. She forced them apart and rested them loosely on her lap.
“Celia, were you the victim of a rape?”
The words hung in the air for several seconds before Celia trusted her voice to speak, and then it was barely a whisper. “I was.”
“Did you report the crime to the authorities?”
“No. I packed my things and moved. I didn’t know I was pregnant.”
“Under the circumstances, most of these questions are irrelevant.” Mr. Walker gently closed the folder he had been writing in and placed it on the desk. “I’m sorry. Questions can sound so harsh and unfeeling. Please know I’m here to help you, whatever you decide to do, and you’ll get no judgment from me.”
Celia nodded and clasped her hands together again.
“Let me explain a little about how the adoption process works then you can ask me any questions you might have.”