by Karey White
The doorbell rang and Silas sprang up to answer it. After he had given candy to four teenagers dressed as ninja turtles, he closed the door and leaned against it, the bowl of candy hugged against him, his gaze on Celia. “I took the job in Washington b-because I thought you were p-pregnant with an ex’s b-baby. I thought you were keeping secrets from me and it about killed m-me. I knew if I saw you, I’d want to stay even if there was an ex. When I got b-back and found out you were going to tell m-me, I wanted to fight for you.” Silas laughed bitterly. “I thought I was fighting someone you had loved. I didn’t know. I’m s-s-sorry.” His stuttering told her how flustered he was.
Celia stood and took the bowl of candy from his arms and put it on the entry table. “I saw you leave. I was walking home from church and I saw the Jeep coming down the lane. I was so excited you were home. I started running to meet you and you turned the other way and left. Nancy told me later that day that you had left for Washington. I hadn’t seen you for three weeks, and you didn’t even come to say goodbye.”
Silas took Celia’s hands in his. “I didn’t see you.”
Celia linked her fingers with his. “I decided while you were gone that I couldn’t let you break my heart. I’ve been disappointed so many times and I have to gear myself up for probably the worst heartbreak of my life when I give up this baby. If I let you break my heart, too, I might never recover.”
Silas slowly lowered his head toward Celia. When she didn’t turn away, he kissed her gently. His hand came up and touched her cheek. “I’m not going to break your heart.”
“Please don’t say that unless you’re sure.”
Silas kissed her again, as if he were trying to make up for the last four kiss-less months. “I’m sure,” he said against her neck.
Celia tried to pull him closer but when the baby bumped up against Silas’s stomach, they both started laughing. “I guess we have a chaperone.”
“He can’t stop me from this,” Silas said and kissed her again.
Wind whistled through the attic and rattled the back screen door.
“Sounds like winter’s here,” Nancy said as she handed Celia the last of the dinner dishes.
Celia finished loading the dishwasher and started it before coming to the table.
The front door blew closed with a bang and Silas came into the kitchen. “The swing is now in the shed.”
Nancy placed the laptop on the table. “No more banging against the rail. Thank you, Silas.”
“Shall we get started?” Silas asked.
Celia reluctantly sat down, and Silas and Nancy followed.
“Is there still only one saved in the potentials file?” Nancy asked.
Celia clicked open the folder and Jim and Denise from Twin Falls smiled back at them. “Yep. They’re still the frontrunners.”
Silas put his arm on the back of Celia’s chair and let his fingers graze her neck. “Let’s see if we can add one or two m-more tonight.”
They worked through three couples from California, two from Arizona, and potential parents from Arkansas, Iowa, and Montana. Celia found a problem with each of them.
“They look nice,” Nancy said when she opened the file for Damien and Amanda, from Knoxville, Tennessee.
“I don’t think so,” Celia said too quickly, and exited out of their file.
“Why not?” Nancy’s voice held a hint of impatience. “We hardly saw them.”
“I don’t like their names.”
“You’re fast. I didn’t even have time to see their names. What were they?”
Celia shook her head. “He had the same name as...” Her voice trailed off.
“Oh. Of course. Let’s move on,” Nancy said, and Silas leaned over and gently kissed her temple.
Celia opened the next folder and they studied it quietly for a few seconds.
“She looks a little like you,” Silas said, looking at a picture of Kate and Matthew.
“She does. She has your eyes,” Nancy agreed. “And her hair is the same color as yours.”
It was true. Even Celia could see the similarities. She began reading their information. “Hershey, Pennsylvania. I like chocolate.” She smiled, eager to put the awkwardness caused by the last couple behind them. “Oh look, he even works for the Hershey Company. She owns a daycare center. I don’t know. Would he be competing for her time?”
“Keep going.” Silas’s voice was gentle. “Don’t count her out b-because she’s good with kids.”
Celia continued. “They have a church they go to. He would have seven cousins. She plays the guitar. They sound like nice people.”
They looked like they enjoyed themselves. There were pictures of them traveling and celebrating the Fourth of July. It wasn’t until she saw a picture of them toasting in the New Year that she noticed a troubling trend. Maybe it was Kate’s slightly glazed-over eyes that Celia had seen so many times on her own mother that caught Celia’s attention. She scrolled back to the beginning of the pictures and saw them sitting at a table on a cruise, on a boat at Lake Harmony, and around a campfire. In most of the pictures, they were drinking. When Celia reached the New Year’s Eve picture, she couldn’t take her eyes off Kate’s eyes.
Celia scooted her chair away from the table. “I need to go for a walk.”
Silas and Nancy exchanged a worried glance as Celia pulled her jacket from a hook by the back door.
“I won’t be gone long.”
She welcomed the cold air and the stinging bite of the wind. Maybe it would help clear her head. After a block, she saw the park in the distance and started for the pavilion. Perhaps the large brick fireplace would offer a reprieve from the bitter gusts.
She was almost there when she heard Silas calling her name. She turned to see him walking quickly toward her, his arms full.
In spite of her somber mood, she laughed when he reached her. “What did you do? Strip Nancy’s bed?” In his arms, he held a large, down comforter and a stocking hat.
“No. The closet. I didn’t want you to freeze out here.”
Celia pulled the hat low over her ears and Silas wrapped her in the blanket, then put his arm around her and guided her to one of the picnic tables in the pavilion.
Celia was grateful for the warmth. She removed one side of the blanket and put it around him, so they were cocooned inside, holding it closed with one hand and holding his hand with the other.
“What happened back there?”
Celia shook her head against his shoulder. “They looked great. I thought they might be a good option, but then I saw something in her eyes that reminded me of my mom. When they were toasting in the New Year, she looked drunk.”
“Lots of p-people drink on New Year’s Eve.”
“They were drinking all the time. This is what scares me. In pictures and on paper, they might look great. But I don’t know how often they drink or if they do drugs. They’re not going to say that in an adoption package that’s meant to make me choose them. How often do they fight? Does one of them have a gambling problem? Are they trying to save their marriage by adopting a baby? Will they yell at him if he has trouble with math? Will they take him places or will he always be with a babysitter?”
Hot tears burned Celia’s cold cheeks.
“I’m afraid I’m going to miss something and make a mistake.”
Silas shifted and straddled the bench, pulling her into his arms, the blanket still around them. “I don’t know what to do to help.”
Celia shrugged. “I don’t want to let him down.”
Silas ran his hand up and down her back until she stopped crying. “Would you like to go b-back to the support group?”
“I wish it wasn’t so far away.”
“When is the next meeting?”
“Next Thursday.” Celia wiped her eyes on her sleeve.
“How about I take the day off and I’ll drive you there. Then we can get some dinner.”
“I don’t want to make you miss work.”
“Stop it.
I’d rather b-be with you.”
Silas’s lips felt hot when they met hers and she felt a cozy warmth spread through her. She couldn’t remember a time someone had put her first. Drugs had been her mother’s top priority. Who knows about her dad? Celia had been a means to a check for most of her foster families. Even the Hundleys, who had shown her the most love, had chosen a job over her.
But Silas recognized that she needed support he couldn’t give her, and he was willing to sacrifice to be sure she got it.
She held tightly to his jacket and kissed him back, praying he wouldn’t let her down.
A light snow fell as they drove out of Sisters toward Eugene, and Silas was glad he was driving Celia to her meeting.
“Is it supposed to snow very much? Should we be staying home?”
“This is a Jeep. We’ll be fine.”
“I don’t want us to get stranded.”
“We won’t. You need this m-meeting.”
Silas knew Celia needed to make some decisions. The baby was due in five weeks and it seemed the closer that day got, the harder the choices became.
“Besides, I want to eat at Fisherman’s.”
“Should I come with you?” Silas asked when he pulled up to the curb in front of the gray stone building.
“It’s just the birth mothers. There weren’t any other people there last time. Sorry you have to kill two hours.”
“Don’t worry. I have things I can do.”
Silas watched Celia walk from the car to the doors. He wished he could make things easy for her. He wanted to lighten the burdens she carried, to ease the worry lines that creased her forehead when she thought no one was looking.
He didn’t have anywhere to go, so he drove around the college campus. The trees had shed their leaves and the bare branches looked bleak against the white sky. Despite the cold weather, students stood outside some of the buildings, laughing and talking. It surprised him to realize Celia was the same age as these women. She could have been at a college, socializing and flirting, if she’d been given the chance. If her mother’s poor choices hadn’t robbed her of opportunities and if some drunken loser hadn’t hurt her. Anger welled up in him. Why had no one protected her?
He drove away from the campus and toward a shopping area. He nearly drove into a department store parking lot, when he noticed a bookstore. That would be an easy place to kill an hour and a half.
He walked up and down the aisles looking for something that interested him. He stopped when he reached the parenting shelves. He read the back of a few of them then took two to an overstuffed chair near the coffee shop in the corner. For the next two hours he read about pregnancy and childbirth and a guide for new fathers.
Celia stood by the window, watching for Silas’s Jeep. He was almost thirty minutes late.
“Do you need a ride somewhere?” Yvonne stepped up beside her, pulling on her gloves.
“My friend is picking me up. He should be here any minute.”
The two women stood together, looking out at the black and white afternoon. “I didn’t know if we’d see you again before you have your baby.”
Cold air blew into the lobby as someone entered the building. “I needed to come,” Celia said, rubbing her arms. “I’ve been so confused lately.”
“There are no easy choices when you find yourself in this situation.”
“I didn’t know I’d care so much about what happens to him.”
“Good mothers always care. Even when their child is grown and they haven’t seen them for decades, they still care.” Celia knew Yvonne was thinking about the boy she’d given up for adoption many years ago. “Is that your ride?” Yvonne pointed toward the street.
Silas was parked at the curb, standing by the door of the Jeep.
“Yes.”
“Good luck, Celia.”
Silas held the door open when she reached the Jeep. “I’m sorry I’m late. I lost track of time.”
“It’s really okay.”
“Hungry?”
“Starving.”
Even though it was the day before Thanksgiving, the offices of Walker and Labrum were already decorated for Christmas. A lighted tree covered with angels sat in the corner and a garland with red and gold balls festooned the reception desk. Johnny Mathis sang “Chestnuts Roasting” softly in the background.
Silas could tell Celia was anxious. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her foot tapped nervously, and she gripped his hand like it was the only thing keeping her from plunging to her death.
The receptionist, a pretty blond with huge eyes and porcelain skin picked up her phone after it buzzed then smiled at Celia.
“Mr. Walker’s ready to see you,” she said.
“You should come with me.” Celia’s voice was trembling, and he didn’t want her to have to face this alone.
“Is that okay?” he asked, speaking to both Celia and the receptionist.
“It’s up to Celia,” the woman said.
“I want you to.”
Silas walked with Celia down a short hall and into Mr. Walker’s office.
“Celia, I was beginning to wonder if we were ever going to see you again. Come in.” When he turned to look at Silas, Celia introduced them.
“This is Silas. I asked him to come with me.”
Mr. Walker extended his hand. “Nice to meet you, Silas.” He motioned to the black leather chairs across from his chrome and wood desk and they sat down.
The first couple of minutes, they dispensed with small talk about Thanksgiving and the always busy holidays. Then Mr. Walker folded his hands on his desk and his tone became more businesslike.
“So I understand you’ve selected a couple.”
“I think so.” Celia’s voice was small, and her grip on Silas’s hand actually hurt, but he didn’t pull away.
“Great. Let’s pull up their file.”
Mr. Walker entered a password into the computer on the corner of his desk then turned the screen so all three of them could see it. A few clicks later, he had the file Celia had sent him opened.
“Jim and Denise from Twin Falls, Idaho. Ah, and they already have a daughter. They look like a nice family.” Celia’s nod was almost imperceptible. “We’ve prepared some paperwork for you to sign and then we’ll notify the Jacobsons that they’re about to be parents. I’m sure they’ll be very happy.”
Mr. Walker slid a small sheaf of papers across the desk. “These are the forms we talked about when we first visited in Dr. Vernon’s office. You’ll need to sign each of the places we’ve put a sticky note. The Jacobsons may want to visit with you, but of course you have the option of how much or how little contact you wish to have.”
Celia’s hands shook when she picked up the papers. She scanned the pages then slid forward and placed them on the desk. Mr. Walker handed her a pen. Celia took a deep breath and held her hand over the first signature line, but she didn’t begin writing her name. The pen felt heavy in her hand and her mind felt muddled and numb.
After a minute, she looked at Silas, her hand still suspended over the paper, her eyes pleading. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
The room was silent for several seconds while Silas looked in her eyes. When he spoke, his voice was quiet but full of resolve. “Then don’t.”
Celia’s face was a question, and Silas leaned forward in his seat, his eyes holding hers. He took the pen from her hand and set it on the stack of papers. “I love you.” Celia nodded. “I love you and I love him.”
Celia nodded. “I love you too.”
“M-m-maybe you should choose us to be his p-parents.”
“Do you mean it?”
“Do you think you can love the baby in spite of the way he was conceived?” Mr. Walker’s voice startled Silas and Celia and they both turned toward him.
“I know I can. I already do.” Celia slid the papers across the desk to Mr. Walker then turned to Silas, took his face in her hands, and kissed him. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?”<
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“I think we’ll make a good family.” Silas wiped away the tear that slid down Celia’s cheek. “We should get married.”
Celia answered him with another kiss.
Mr. Walker was smiling when he interrupted them. “I hate to barge in on this romantic moment, but if you’re sure about this, I think I should give you some legal advice.”
Celia and Silas’s joyful expressions turned serious.
“Don’t worry,” Mr. Walker said. “I think we should talk over some logistics.”
Later that afternoon, when Silas and Celia told Nancy they were getting married, she clapped her hands and kissed them both on the cheek. “That’s wonderful news. I’d be happy to take you to Portland to look for dresses.”
Silas put his arm around Celia. “There won’t b-be time for that. We’re getting married next Monday.”
Nancy looked surprised. “What’s the rush? Don’t you want to wait until you’re not pregnant?”
“Mr. Walker said if we’re already married when the baby comes, Silas’s name can go on the birth certificate as the father.”
“And if we’re getting married anyway, we m-might as well let him b-be born to a father and mother.”
Nancy looked from Celia to Silas and back to Celia again as she sorted through their words and realized what they were saying. “Are you keeping the baby?”
“Yes.” Celia reached out and took Nancy’s hand. “Are you okay? I’m sure this is a surprise.”
“It will be hard to start your lives as a ready-made family.”
“We’ve done hard b-before,” Silas said.
Nancy took his hand with her free one. “I know you have. If this is what you want to do, of course I’m okay with it. It’ll almost be like I’m a grandma.”
Celia shook her head and hugged Nancy. “Not almost.” Nancy squeezed her tightly.
“Well, what do we need to do to get ready?” Nancy looked like she might cry.
Silas grinned. “Nothing. We went straight to the courthouse and got a license. Now all we have to do is wait.”
A look of concern passed over Nancy’s face and she turned to Celia. “Is it going to be hard to keep the baby? You know, after what happened?”