“Are you sure?”
“I know what love is, Lilly.”
So, there it was. “I might not have been in love before,” admitted Lilly, “but you’ve helped me discover it.”
Beside her, she felt his satisfaction like a tangible thing. What she said pleased him. She was glad of it, but still had no idea what their feelings meant. “So where does that lead us?”
“Marriage one day?”
She swallowed. In her dreams, she’d imagined being someone’s wife. Robert’s wife. But were they too different? What if he was disappointed? “Everything you’ve ever told me about Grace makes me think she was a wonderful woman. I don’t think I can replicate her.”
“I don’t want you to. I loved Grace; she was perfect for me then. But her passing left me changed. Different.” With a sigh, he started walking again. Lilly fell into step beside him. “If another woman who tried to be a copy of Grace appeared in my life, I don’t think she would interest me.”
That, she could understand. “Because you’ve changed.”
“Yes. I’m not the same man who fell in love with her. Before, I yearned for the beauty of love; the simple pleasure of being in someone’s company. Before Grace got sick, I only knew this beauty and happiness. So much in my life had gone the way it was supposed to. I had few struggles.”
“But things are different now?”
“Oh, yes.”
The sidewalk was still crowded, but the side streets far less so. After a moment’s pause, Robert guided Lilly to the right and down toward a secluded cul-de-sac filled with oak trees. Rich, vibrant reds and golds covered all the branches. A few leaves had already made their way to the ground, speckling the black pavement with dots of color.
Right off the quiet street was a gravel path. Robert led Lilly there. Soon, they were surrounded by thick branches on one side and corn stalks on another.
The thick covering muffled the noise from the rest of the world. And as they walked along, Lilly felt like they were the only two people out for miles. And because of that, the conversation seemed more intimate.
Just when she was going to ask where he was taking her, Robert stopped next to a bench. “Lilly, I remember the first time I saw you. I was grief stricken and mighty irritated with my cousin Abe. He had just stopped by my shop and shooed me out the door. I went to your restaurant in a terrible mood. I was going to sit there for exactly ten minutes, and then go back to work.”
Though she’d been in a cloud that day, Lilly found that she, too, remembered that day just like it had been hours before. “I remember you had a horrible scowl,” she said, sitting down on the bench. Robert took a seat beside her, reached for her hands, and she continued. “My mom and Mrs. Graber were whispering about you, too. I thought it was because you were so grumpy. Later I found out it was because they were worried about you.”
“I felt so on display. I had been doing myself a disservice by keeping to myself so much. The longer I refused to step into society again, the more speculation there was about my doing so.”
She knew what a great step that admission was. He was a private person, and distrustful of gossip.
“What you might not recall is what you were wearing.”
“You remember?”
“I could never forget. You had on jeans and a sweater and your hair was curly around your face.” His lips twitched.
“And you were out of patience with my sour disposition.”
“You were so tight-lipped; it seemed like you were getting charged for each word you spoke. But I still waited on you.”
“Yes, you did. And I was glad. Because there was something about you that made me look twice. A sadness that seemed to surround your being.”
“I wasn’t feeling well,” she recalled. “And things weren’t going well at home, either.” Though she’d come to an agreement of sorts with her parents about the baby, there was still enough tension between them all to make being home a less than comfortable experience.
“You were the reason I was able to take breaks from work. Some days, you were the only motivation I had to leave the shop for a few minutes.” Squeezing her hands, he stared hard at them. “When I heard you were pregnant, I’m ashamed to say that I was almost relieved.”
“Why?”
“Because I was sure the baby’s father would come back to you. That you’d be with him and move on.”
“And live happily ever after?” Unable to stop herself, a vision of her and Alec pushing a stroller popped in her mind.
“Maybe.”
“I guess I hoped things would end up happily-ever-after with me, too. But they didn’t. Alec and I were over for good…and, well, then everything happened with the baby.”
Amazing how saying the word miscarriage still hurt so much.
Another look, one of empathy, entered his eyes—and their clear, sky blue hue deepened to the color of the sea after a storm.
Lilly realized she’d begun to rely on looking into his face to read his thoughts. Robert Miller was reticent, but his expressions were anything but. And if she looked hard enough, she could practically read his mind.
His eyes flicked away, then centered on their entwined fingers. “I know what it’s like to feel pain. To grieve for a loss. I hope you don’t think I was making light of it.”
“I don’t think that.”
“I guess what I’m struggling to tell you is that as much as you intrigued me, I knew a relationship between us would be a difficult thing. I found myself looking for ways to turn away.”
“I can understand that. I’ve had some of the same thoughts.”
“Whenever I thought about all the ways we wouldn’t be suited to each other, I was relieved. Because then I would become convinced that you were not the person for me. But the opposite happened. Instead of wanting to see less of you, my thoughts were filled with you. I hated thinking of you being alone. Or of you suffering.” Robert was fighting off the inevitable, but he muttered, “The truth is, all the time you were home recuperating, I thought about you night and day. I prayed for you and worried.”
Her mouth went dry. The idea that he’d cared so much about her humbled her. And gave her hope. Tightening her fingers on his, she whispered, “Robert, I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t. I wouldn’t have expected you to even think about me. But I’m just telling you all of this so you know that what I’m about to say is not a sudden, impulsive thing. It’s been a feeling that has been brewing inside of me for months.”
He took a fortifying breath. “Lilly, I’ve fallen completely in love with you. You hold my heart.”
Studying his face, she waited to feel stunned.
But she didn’t. Little by little, love had edged its way into her heart, too. Without her even knowing, her heart had healed from its many hurts. From Alec’s rejection. From the loss of the baby. From her parents’ disappointment in her. From the feeling that she was alone in the world.
In place of the emptiness, loss, and grief had come a warmth and a comfort. The confidence that she’d been feeling in herself was in direct response to Robert’s attentions, and the way he made her feel whenever they were together.
Slowly his hand released hers. Without his warm clasp, her own fell to her lap. Though they were only sitting inches apart, she felt the separation clearly. All of a sudden, she felt half the person she was, without his connection.
Just as she was forming a response…just as she was about to let him know that she, too, had fallen in love, Robert spoke again in a rush.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same.”
“No! I–”
“See, perhaps it’s better that you don’t share my same feelings…yet. It will give you time to prepare yourself.”
She couldn’t continue to let him fumble. Reaching out, she cupped her palm along his jaw. The short beard in her hands felt soft; the jaw, firm and perfect…and her eyes drifted to the columns of taut tendons at his neck, so strong-looki
ng.
With a start she realized that there was so much about Robert Miller that she already knew and treasured. “I don’t need time to prepare.”
“You might when you hear what else has been on my mind.” Almost sheepishly, he tilted his head into her hand, so her palm slipped up above his jawline. Soon, her palm was cupping his cheek, holding him. Above his rough beard, the smooth, warm skin of his cheek caressed her hand. All at once, she felt vulnerable, yet powerful, too. Without words, he was literally putting himself in the palm of her hand. Trusting her touch.
Then—just as if she’d imagined it—Robert was sitting straight again. Their bodies a respectful distance apart. His gaze shuttered.
The only thing that gave way to what had just happened was his nervous swallow. “Lilly, there’s no other way to say this, but I hope you’ll not be scared.”
Of course, she was scared now. A man didn’t preface anything kind with a statement like that. “Just say it, Robert.”
He took a deep breath. “Fact is, I want to marry you.”
“Marry?”
He nodded but looked so solemn, he could have been on his way to a funeral. Then he reached for her left hand, curved both of his around it. “Lilly Allen, I love you and I want you to be my wife.”
His wife.
Suddenly, she felt like she was free-falling. Free-falling into a pit of nothingness.
Marriage? To Robert?
Suddenly, it all felt too much. Her dreams were coming true. He loved her. He wanted to marry her.
With a jerk, she pulled her hands from his.
Chapter 21
Breathe!
Robert forced himself to exhale and then inhale again as Lilly stared at him. Her brown eyes, which he could describe in his sleep, were filled with wonder. Her lips were slightly parted.
As the moments passed, a thick band of doubt gripped his chest and squeezed. Once again, he guided himself through the motions of taking air into his lungs. Then he couldn’t take it anymore. “Is there a full moon out tonight?” he joked. “Maybe we could just pretend the last two minutes never happened.”
She shook her head. “Why would I want to do that? You’ve just made me so very happy.”
Little by little, hope edged out doubt. He scanned her face again. There was happiness and something akin to amusement in her eyes. Lilly’s cheeks were flushed.
But he still wasn’t precisely sure what she was thinking. “You’re happy?”
“Yes. Of course.”
Oh, but she was driving him crazy! “Then will you please answer my question?” he prodded impatiently. “A man needs to hear the words, you know.”
She laughed again—a joyous, free sound. “Yes.”
He was so afraid to hope. And, that Lilly—she so loved to tease. He never knew when she was really serious. “Yes, you’ll answer?”
“Yes, I’ll answer you.” Before he could take another breath, she curved her hands around his neck. “You’re so silly. Yes, Robert, I will marry you.”
Wrapping his arms around her, he hugged her close. How did he get so lucky? “I’m so pleased.”
She laughed again. “Did you really think I’d say no?” He shifted, then reached for her, pulling her close. Before Lilly knew it, she was half sitting on his lap like a golden retriever puppy. All arms and legs and energy. “I wasn’t sure what you would say,” he admitted. “Marriage to me will bring a great many changes to you—your life. It might be difficult.”
A shadow crossed her face before she shook it away. “Let’s not talk about problems. Not right this minute.”
“You’re right. I’m being foolish, bringing up worries all the time.”
“You’re not being foolish. I just want to thank my lucky stars right now. I want us to count our blessings. Oh, Robert, falling in love has been so easy. Just about the easiest thing I’ve done in months.”
Her words sounded so perfect, it was impossible not to agree. Loving Lilly had been easy. And freeing. A feeling of foreboding slithered into his senses. Was it supposed to be like this? He almost felt as if they were living in a child’s fairy tale—not in the real world.
Her head tucked into his shoulder, she snuggled a little closer. “I love you.”
When she raised her head and looked into his eyes, Robert brushed his knuckle against her cheek—marveling at how soft her skin was. And, of course, he couldn’t resist her any longer. Leaning his head toward hers, he brushed his lips against hers, kissing her lightly.
When she responded, he deepened the kiss and traced a path down her spine with his fingers. Felt the fine bones of her ribs under her sweater. And let himself get caught up in the moment again. Once again.
It was Lilly who pulled away. “We better stop before we get carried away,” she murmured, her cheeks deliciously flushed.
He was just vain enough to be pleased with her comment. He wanted Lilly to yearn for him. He wanted her to think about him the same way he thought of her.
But of course, there was also a need for restraint. “I’m tempted to sit here with you all night, but perhaps we should go back to your home. There’s a lot to do.”
“Like what?”
“We need to tell your parents, of course.”
She tensed. Looked away. “Let’s wait a bit.”
“Why?” Suddenly, he was worried about their future again. “Have you changed your mind already?”
“Of course not. I’m just not ready to share our news. It feels so special. Special and private. I don’t want to ruin the moment. Tomorrow’s soon enough.”
He cautioned himself to not fret over her words. Just because she wanted to wait didn’t mean she didn’t want a future with him. And she was probably right. There was no reason they had to tell the whole world. “You’re right. Tomorrow is soon enough. We can wait, if that’s what you want.”
“It’s exactly what I want.”
“All right, then.” Getting to his feet, he knew it was time to walk her back to the restaurant. Lilly was quiet beside him, quieter than he could ever remember her being.
But that was no bother. Around them, the air smelled sweeter and the stars seemed brighter. Everything felt better and exaggerated and like new. Perhaps because he was so ready to begin a new life, too?
Later, as his horse clip-clopped on the dark road, and no lights except for his kerosene lamp could be seen for miles and miles, he again was struck by what a wonderful sense of peace he felt.
Lilly loved him. Loved him so much that she was willing to change her life in order to live by his side. As his wife.
It was only later, after he’d heated soup for dinner and was eating it in the quiet of his kitchen…that he realized that Lilly had not actually agreed to become Amish.
Only professed her love for him.
It was awkward to see Josh at the counter of the store and have no desire to speak with him. Especially since the store was relatively empty and he wanted to talk.
“Lilly, where are ya going in such a hurry, anyway?” he asked, resting his elbows on the counter.
“To see your wife.”
His eyes lit up. “That’s good of you.” Straightening, he walked around the counter. “I’ll go get her and bring her down. Then the three of us can have a chat.”
She edged toward the stairs. “Oh, I don’t want to make her come all the way down. I’ll just go on up.”
“She won’t mind. The exercise will do her good.”
“Josh, I came over to speak with Gretta. Alone.”
“Oh.” A wealth of emotions crossed his features. Curiosity and…disappointment?
Lilly wasn’t surprised. She’d been friends with Josh first. Actually, she and Gretta had gotten off to a rocky start, since at first Gretta thought Josh might have been interested in her.
But that was in the past. Ever since they started working together, their friendship had really grown. And now, well, she needed information only an Amish girl could give her.
Not
that she was in a hurry to tell Josh any of that. “I’ll see you later,” she said in a rush as she darted up the stairs and quickly knocked on the apartment door.
As soon as Gretta opened the door, she beamed. “Lilly, how gut to see you! Did you come over to shop?”
“No…I actually came to talk to you. Do you have time?”
Gretta raised a brow. “Of course, I have time. Come in.” The moment she closed the door, she grabbed Lilly’s hand. “Now, tell me what is new and don’t say nothing. Your eyes are shining.”
Gretta didn’t have to worry about that. Lilly was so anxious to share her news, she could hardly stand it. “Robert Miller asked me to marry him.”
“Oh my word! What did you say?”
“I said yes.” Feeling her cheeks heat. “I…I love him.”
“I know you do.” All smiles, she pulled Lilly into a hug. “Oh, wouldn’t it be something? After everything that you’ve been through, if you became Plain?”
“It would be something,” Lilly agreed, feeling a bit stunned. It was hard enough to imagine being married. Thinking about changing her whole life was hard to even contemplate. “Gretta, right now, I can’t even imagine it.”
As practical as ever, Gretta nodded sagely. “Of course you can’t, standing here in front of me in your jeans and sneakers. With your hair all around your face.” Narrowing her eyes, she looked to be making a sudden decision. “Follow me.”
Lilly walked past the tiny kitchen and sitting area, past the bathroom, and into Gretta and Josh’s bedroom. The room, painted a pale blue, was barely big enough for the quilt-covered bed, one side table, and a chest of drawers. On one wall was a wooden bar with hooks on it. Two dresses and a pair of Josh’s pants hung on them.
Making a decision, Gretta picked a dark blue dress off the hook and handed it to Lilly. “Try it on.”
Playing dress-up in Amish clothes felt wrong. “I couldn’t.”
“Sure you could.” Hugging her stomach, she smiled.
“It’s not like I’m about to put this dress on, anyway. I’m far too big! Go on into the bathroom and put it on.”
Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise Page 17