Unable to bear the silence any longer, David decided to go to the nearby town of Bandelero. He went in search of Jenny to see if she’d like to accompany him on the five-mile trip. He found her at the wash caldron, preparing to wash what was left of the children’s clothing. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, but she held herself aloof even as David embraced her from behind.
“I thought we could use a break from the quiet,” he said softly, giving her shoulders a squeeze. “I’m going into Bandelero to get some of the things we need. Why don’t you ride along and visit with Lillie?” David knew how much Jenny had come to love his brother’s second wife.
David himself planned to speak with Daniel about Jenny. He was grateful the Lord had brought Daniel back into the fold. David remembered the day Daniel and Lillie had shown up at the mission after working with the Pueblos during a measles epidemic. Daniel had found his way back to God and had sought David’s forgiveness for the separation that had occurred at Katie’s deathbed.
Jenny stood silently looking beyond David as if she hadn’t heard the question.
“Go on and get your shawl,” David encouraged softly. “This laundry can wait.”
“Yes, it can wait,” Jenny said with anger. “It can wait because the children will never wear them again.”
“Now, Jen,” David said as he tried to turn Jenny into his arms.
“Leave me alone,” she said in a quiet, deadly voice. “Go to town and visit with whomever you like, but leave me alone!”
David started to speak but realized the effort would be futile. He turned and walked away, more downcast than he’d ever been. How would they get past this situation if Jenny wouldn’t share her grief?
Instead of hitching the wagon, David chose to saddle his favorite horse. A long, hard ride would do them both good, he thought as he patted the gelding’s neck. Lifting his boot to the stirrup, David swung into the saddle and urged the horse into a gallop.
Bandelero had grown considerably in the five years since Garrett Lucas, now owner of the Intissar dynasty, had put the first building in place. Garrett had lost his beloved mentor, Jason Intissar, to the devastating sickness that had prompted Intissar to request a doctor’s presence in the first place.
Through the years since first meeting David and Daniel Monroe, Garrett had come to be good friends with both. David knew Garrett had tried to convince Daniel to stay in the territory after the death of his wife Katie. Both David and Garrett had felt the loss when Daniel rode out of their lives. Through the years that followed, Daniel had sent very little information about himself their way, and when it did come, it was always addressed to Garrett. The separation had grieved David, and only through Jenny’s prayerful, loving companionship had he been able to concentrate on his ministry with the Indians.
But eventually, Daniel had returned. His arrival had coincided with the appearance of Lillie Johnston Philips. Lillie had been a stubborn one, David remembered, but not nearly as stubborn as Maggie Intissar, Jason’s daughter.
David nearly laughed out loud as he reined the horse to a trot. Maggie Intissar had made them all jump through more hoops than anyone cared to admit. At eighteen, she’d come on the scene after years of separation and alienation from her father, only to learn Jason had chosen Garrett Lucas to be her husband. Garrett had had no complaints, but Maggie had been livid.
David was still laughing when he reached his brother’s office and home. Sliding off the horse, David tethered the gelding at the hitching post and offered him a brief stroke on the muzzle before going in search of Daniel.
Daniel met him at the door. “What are you laughing about, little brother?”
David paused for a moment. “I was just remembering when Maggie and Lillie first arrived. Maggie in particular. Of course,” David said as Lillie appeared from the back room, “Lillie was just as much a cause to be reckoned with as her friend ever was.”
Daniel laughed as Lillie appeared with their two-year-old son James, attached to her skirt. “I’d say that’s putting it mildly,” he said ruefully.
“What are you two talking about?” Lillie questioned, lifting the boy to greet his Uncle David.
David quickly took the boy and received a wet kiss in greeting. It was the grandest welcoming he’d had all day. “I was just remembering you and Maggie when you were younger, more stubborn, and harder to manage.”
“Who says she’s any easier to manage?” Daniel asked teasingly. Lillie raised a questioning eyebrow to meet the challenge, but Daniel simply pulled her into his arms and kissed her into silence.
David loved the closeness Lillie and Daniel shared. He’d truly wondered if it would ever again be possible for his brother to love another woman after Katie. Then God had sent the recently widowed Lillie into Daniel’s life, and the man hadn’t been the same since. Both Daniel and Lillie knew what it was to lose a mate and a baby, and it was easy to see that God had put them together to bring healing into each other’s lives.
“Where’s John?” David questioned as he looked around for Daniel and Lillie’s four year old.
“Where else would he be?” Lillie laughed. “He’s at the creek watching the fish.”
“Me too!” James squealed as he wiggled in David’s arms.
“Well, if you two will excuse me,” Lillie said, taking James from David, “I will take my son down to the water so that he might see the fish, also.”
As Lillie retreated down the path to the small creek that ran through the town of Bandelero, David’s face betrayed his mood.
“You might as well come in and spill your guts,” Daniel said, pulling David into the office. “I’m sure Lillie left coffee on the stove. How about a cup?”
David nodded and followed Daniel through the office and into the adjoining quarters the family called home. He accepted both the offered chair at the kitchen table and a steaming cup of coffee.
“Thanks,” David said mechanically.
“So, what’s the trouble?” Daniel asked cutting through all the formalities.
“I’m not sure where to start,” David said honestly.
“Is something wrong with Jenny?”
“No. Yes. But I’m not sure it’s anything a doctor can fix. The elders of the Pueblo tribe came and took the children away yesterday. They took all of them, Daniel, and Jenny couldn’t bear it. In truth, I can’t say I’m handling it any better than she is.” David put the cup down and sat back dejectedly.
“I see,” Daniel began, “and why did the Indians come for the children?”
“You know they’re just recovering from an epidemic of grippe. Because they lost so many children, they felt it necessary for the survival of the tribe. They came back with me from my visit and insisted the children return with them to the village. It destroyed Jenny. She fell apart watching the children leave and hasn’t been herself since.”
“Would you like me to come and give her a sedative?” Daniel asked.
“I doubt she would talk to you, much less take any treatment. She barely spoke to me this morning.”
“Perhaps she’d talk to Lillie,” Daniel offered.
“Maybe. Do you think Lillie would mind?”
“Would I mind what?” Lillie asked as she came into the kitchen with her children. The boys jumped onto their father’s lap, full of excitement about the fish they’d seen at the creek.
“Look, boys, we adults have some problems to discuss, and I need you to go to your room and play. You can tell me all about the fish when I get done here.”
“Go along now, boys,” Lillie said as she joined Daniel and David at the table. “Now, tell me what you need me to do.”
u
Lillie reined her horse to a stop atop the small hill that overlooked David and Jenny’s home. She wanted so much to offer Jenny comfort, yet she wasn’t sure what she’
d say when she came face to face with her dear friend.
“Please Father,” Lillie prayed, “please let me help Jenny through this pain. I don’t know how You want to use me in this situation, but I trust You to lead me. Give me the strength and the wisdom to know what to say. Amen.”
Lillie led the horse down to the house. She looked around for any sign of Jenny, but saw nothing, not even smoke from the caldron fire where David had left her earlier that morning.
Lillie tethered the horse at the barn and began to call out. When she didn’t find Jenny in the barn, Lillie went to the house. She opened the door and called inside.
“Jenny! It’s me, Lillie. Jenny, where are you?”
Lillie walked from room to room on the first level, calling and praying Jenny would answer.
The house was as still as a tomb. Lillie felt her skin crawl. “Jenny, answer me!”
Lillie had just started up the steps when Jenny appeared at the top of the staircase.
“What do you want?” she asked Lillie softly.
“I wanted to come and be with you. David told us what happened. I thought maybe you could use a friend,” Lillie said as she motioned to Jenny. “Come on and talk to me. Are you hungry? I can make us something to eat.”
Jenny stood frozen at the top of the stairs. “I’m not hungry and I don’t want to talk. I think you’d best leave now, Lillie.”
Lillie started up the stairs. “Jenny, you shouldn’t be alone. I know how much you’re hurting right now. Please let me help.”
“You don’t have any idea how I feel. You have your family, your children. I have nothing.”
“You have David and Daniel and me. Not to mention Garrett and Maggie. And what about John and little James?”
“You don’t understand!” Jenny screamed. “They took my children. Nothing else matters. Nothing at all.”
Lillie tried to remain calm. “Jenny, please come down and talk to me. I know we can work through this together. God won’t leave you alone in this, Jenny. Remember all the wonderful things you told me after I lost my baby?”
“I don’t want to talk,” Jenny said dispassionately. “Now, please leave. Please understand, Lillie. This isn’t the time. I can’t talk now.”
Lillie nodded, remembering only too well how it felt to have everyone pushing her to explain her pain. After the death of Lillie’s first husband, Jason Philips, and the death of their unborn baby, Lillie hadn’t wanted to speak to another human being again. And she certainly hadn’t wanted anyone telling her about God’s sovereign wisdom and unending love.
“I love you, Jenny. Remember that. When you are ready to talk, I’ll be there. Until then, I’ll hold you up to God in prayer and wait.”
“Thank you, Lillie,” Jenny said. She turned and retreated up the stairs.
Lillie’s heart grew heavier as she returned to her horse and mounted for the ride home. “Oh God,” she pleaded, “please help Jenny. Help her to find her way back from the pain. Please Lord, please.”
Chapter 14
When David returned home he said nothing to Jenny about the way she’d dismissed Lillie. He knew how worried Lillie and Daniel were, but there was little he could do to change matters.
Jenny said nothing to him when they went to bed that night, but when he reached out to hold her, she pushed him away and hugged the far side of the bed.
How much longer could he stand Jenny’s anger? He’d tried to share evening devotions with her, only to have her get up and walk away. When he’d suggested they pray over the evening meal, Jenny had complied with indifference.
“How can I help her, Lord?” David prayed. He tossed and turned throughout the night and finally gave up trying. He slipped downstairs and was still sitting at the kitchen table reading the Bible when Jenny came down to cook breakfast.
David ached to hold her. He was only beginning to realize how much he needed her to help ease his own pain.
Mechanically, Jenny poured David fresh coffee and placed a platter of hotcakes within his reach. She reluctantly sat down at the table and waited for David to offer grace as he had before.
“Jenny,” he began instead, “please don’t punish me for the children’s absence. I didn’t want them to go any more than you did.”
Jenny stared at him. Lavender circles shadowed her brown eyes, and her cheeks were bloodless.
David continued, “I know we’d feel better if we worked through this together. Would you like to go with me to the village? We could visit the children and see how they’re getting along.”
“Why torture yourself, David?”
At least they were civil words, David thought. They gave him the courage to continue. “It wouldn’t be torture to assure ourselves they’re happy, would it?”
Jenny picked absentmindedly at the crocheted tablecloth.
“Jenny, did you hear me? I think it would be good for us to visit the village. We could leave right after breakfast, maybe even spend a day or two with the Pueblo.”
Jenny got to her feet. “Maybe it would offer you comfort, David. To me it would only be a mocking reminder. And what of when we leave the village? It would be good-bye all over again. No,” she said as she pulled her apron off and went to the back door, “you do what you have to, but don’t ask me to subject myself to that kind of pain. I think it’s cruel of you to suggest such a thing.”
“Cruel?” David asked incredulously. “I honestly thought if you saw them happy and well cared for, you might get on with your life. You know it wasn’t just the children who needed you. I need you, too.”
Jenny stared at her husband. She wanted to rush into his arms and forget her pain, and for a moment she nearly did just that. She could hardly bear the anguish in his eyes. He was trying so hard to help her. Why couldn’t she let go of her anger and allow his closeness?
“God will get us through this, Jenny,” David whispered breaking Jenny’s spell. She grimaced at the words. That was exactly why she was shutting David out. Just as Daniel had turned him away when Katie had died, Jenny was turning him away at the loss of the Pueblo children. It wasn’t David she was pushing away, Jenny realized sadly; it was God.
Jenny turned, opened the door, and walked out. Wandering aimlessly, she found herself at the graves of her children. It had been more than seven years since she’d felt life grow inside her. Jenny’s hands automatically fell to her flat stomach. The ache in her heart threatened to bring tears, but she pushed back the urge to cry.
Lovingly, she knelt by the three little graves. The whitewash was holding up well and the constant care Jenny had given each grave was evident. She had planted flowers, and with the warmth of spring quickly turning to summer, they offered an enchanting display of color. Jenny reached down to pull out stray weeds and was so intent on her job she didn’t hear David come up behind her.
“I’m packed,” he said softly. “I figure I’ll be gone a few days. Will you be alright?”
“I’ll be fine,” Jenny said without malice.
“Are you certain you won’t come along?”
Jenny dusted the dirt from her hands and got to her feet. She wanted to make things right with David, yet she couldn’t explain the wall she’d placed between them. “I think the time alone will help me a great deal. I’ll try to put all of this behind me by the time you get back.”
“Will you kiss me good-bye?” David questioned, his face betraying his fear of her rejection.
“Of course,” Jenny said and opened her arms.
David held her close for several minutes.
Jenny felt her resolve melting and feared having to face David’s questions again. She pulled back slightly and placed a quick kiss on David’s lips. It wasn’t enough for David. He pulled her back into his embrace and placed a long, passionate kiss upon her lips.
Jenny step
ped away breathless. She was amazed at the power David had over her. She didn’t want him to leave, but she feared the outcome if he stayed. She turned back to her work at the graves and murmured a good-bye when David promised to return in a few days.
“Remember, if you need anything, Daniel and Lillie are only as far as Bandelero,” David said.
“I’ll remember, but I won’t need anything. I’ll be just fine.”
Jenny listened to the sound of David’s horse galloping across the yard. She lifted her face and watched David disappear into the canyon. When she’d been a young bride living at the Intissar ranch, she’d watched David leave to work with the Pueblos as he established his ministry. Those days had dragged on endlessly until a puff of dust on the horizon revealed her husband was coming home.
Refusing to remember anything more, Jenny buried herself in work and unnecessary cleaning. At night she went to sleep too tired to feel the emptiness of the big bed she’d always shared with David, and in the morning the routine started all over again.
On the third morning after David’s departure, Jenny awoke to the silence of an empty house. Instead of getting up and dressing for the day, she lingered in bed thinking about all that had happened. Although she fought it, Jenny was unable to ignore God any longer.
“God,” Jenny announced in complete frustration, “I don’t want to pray. I don’t know what I want to do, but I know I don’t want to pray.” She waited for a few minutes, hoping the feeling would pass. When it didn’t, Jenny threw back the covers and got to her feet.
She paced the wood floor of her room for several minutes before continuing. “I’ve trusted You all these years, and while it hasn’t been easy at times, I always felt Your presence and comfort. But this time I feel numb and betrayed. Does that sound strange?” Jenny paused a moment as if waiting for an answer.
She caught sight of her disheveled image in the mirror. She hardly recognized the woman who stared back. Her long brown hair hung lifelessly around her shoulders, and her usually fresh complexion was sallow.
Tender Journeys Page 10