by Adam Rapp
She said, They wouldn’t do shit.
I was like, But you’re only fourteen.
She said, Wiggins, Dapper Dan and Kara have nine-volt batteries in their backs. All I have to do is change the batteries now and then. Besides, they’re always gone on business. Selling happy pills to all the sad people. They don’t know shit about me.
I said, But you don’t got no license. What if you got caught?
Bounce was like, They’re the ones who would get in trouble.
I went, Why?
She said, Because I’m their fucking daughter. Their legal ward.
I was like, But you would get busted, too, ain’t it?
Bounce went, You think I’m afraid of getting busted?
And then she turnt the headlights back on.
We drove past the mall. It was all lit up and perfect. We stopped at a traffic light. In the parking lot there was all these people getting in their cars. I saw this man and his wife with their little kid. They were all holding hands, walking to their big silver SUV. I wanted to go take the kid. He was pretty small and wearing a Cardinals baseball hat. I would put him in the basement with the Frog and call him Toad. They would wash each other and tell each other stories. Maybe they would fight each other too. And then fall in love. After a while, maybe I could find them a lizard or make them a ant farm.
Before Bounce dropped me off in front of my apartment building I said, So are we gonna feed those Alpo burgers to the Frog, too?
She said, You want to, huh?
I didn’t answer.
Part of me wanted to feed her the Alpo burgers and part of me didn’t. The Frog is really confusing like that.
Before I got out Bounce kissed me on the cheek.
She said, Hey, big eyes.
I said, Hey.
She went, You’re a good little monkey.
I went, Thanks.
Bounce put her forehead on mine and said, We love each other, right?
I nodded.
I pictured love as a big hairy giant with a dead fish in his mouth. Grizzly bear claws and his heart half out of his chest cause it’s too big and the lungs have to fit. He never stops walking. Over mountains. Through the desert. On top of icy lakes. Past huge cities. And he hunts and kills for you and always comes back with plenty to eat.
Her kiss was cold on my skin.
This is all going to be amazing, she said. You’ll see.
Then she put another Oxycotton in my mouth. The other one was still going strong, but two is better than one.
Orange always says, Twice as nice for a very low price.
I walked around the apartment complex. It was like I was a fugitive with bullets in my back. Or like I got Tasered by a security guard at the mall.
I wanted the new Oxycotton to kick in before I went home.
Hurry up, I told the Oxycotton. Hurry the fuck up.
Mosquitoes were infesting the light in front of my building. I looked up at our living room window. It’s on the third floor and faces the street. I could see how the screen was missing, just like the one in Dirty Diana’s room. I wondered why it couldn’t never get fixed right. Maybe Mr. Song or his mute wife come and ruin it no matter how many times it gets replaced. Like in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep. Management will keep you down. They’re sneaky and they’re always adding late fees to your rent. Late fees and other fees for maintenance. Dirty Diana calls Mr. Song Charlie Chinco.
She says, Charlie Chinco and his snap-on haircut.
That shit does look snap-on, Orange said when Mr. Song was fixing our garbage disposal.
Let’s pull it off, he whispered.
In the parking lot someone had painted the tops of the dumpsters black and you could smell the paint cutting through the hot air. The stars were blasting so bright it was like they had emotions. Like they were rolling too.
I thought about space and how quiet it must be up there. So quiet and nothing stupid going on. No bugs or shitty smells. Just stars and planets and a floaty feeling. Sometimes I wish they would come and get me. They meaning them creatures from Mr. Merlo’s alien abduction books. I would let them have me naked. My nuts and everything. I would step right out of my clothes and board their ship and let them stick me with space pins and turn me into their earthling ho.
The Oxycotton was starting to kick in. My whole body felt like it was smiling.
Hello, Piano Road, I said, laughing. Hello.
* * *
At home Dirty Diana was on her cell phone. I think she was talking to this big Mexican called Cortina. Cortina’s a security guard at the casino boat over in Rockwood. The casino boat’s on the Wall River. They met cause his kid Paco died from a car crash. Dirty Diana was Paco’s nurse — when they had him hooked up to machines — and she saw Cortina crying at his son’s bedside and she felt sorry for his immigrant ass. Cortina was driving and his wife died from the crash too. They didn’t bother hooking her up to no machines cause her head got knocked off. Sometimes when he comes over him and Dirty Diana sit on the couch together but they don’t even hold hands.
Sometimes I just want to say, At least hug her. If you ain’t gonna fuck her at least hug her!
Once he let me hold his security guard badge.
You want it? he asked.
It felt fake in my hand so I gave it back.
How come you don’t got a gun? I asked.
He said, Cause I ain’t no cop. I got a billyclub.
I said, Where is it?
At the job, he answered. I leave it in my locker.
Part of me wanted to show Dirty Diana the space where my tooth was cause I’d been keeping my mouth closed around her. I thought maybe they could put it back on at the hospital. Like they would give her a employee discount. I heard about how you can sew a finger back on if you soak it in milk first. I was ready to show her but she was turnt away.
Mom, I said. Mom.
But she waved me off.
In my room I opened the window and stared up at the stars again.
Come on, I said to them. Just come already.
I waited for Dirty Diana to finish watching Craig Ferguson and then I snuck out.
When I went to go feed the Frog she was standing on the other side of the TV.
What’s wrong? I said.
The bike chain was pulled tight and her whole body was frozen.
There’s a woof down here, she said.
Where? I asked. Where?
She was like, In the fridgeranor.
I went over and opened the Merlos’ old fridge. There was this big hole torn in the back of it. Inside was a dead raccoon. It stunk like pure badness. When I lifted it up by the tail there were dead baby raccoons underneath it. They looked blind and slimy. I put the raccoon and her babies in a old pillowcase that was stuck behind the washer-dryer unit.
Dead coon, I said to the Frog.
She was like, Can I see?
I opened the pillowcase and showed her.
She said, Coombabies.
I nodded.
You gonna bury ’em? She asked.
Yeah, I lied.
When? she asked.
Right now, I said.
She said, Can I come?
She tugged on the bike chain and I shook my head.
She went, Okay, and then started the video game. She had gotten really far on it. The wolves were really skinny and tired. I watched her send a child down from the trees and bop one on the head with a rock. Then the child used the rock to saw the wolf’s head off and then she brought five other children down from the trees and they ate the wolf clean to its spine. Then they laughed and burped and helped each other climb back up the trees.
You’re getting good, I told her.
But I don’t think she could hear me. Her eyes were huge and she wasn’t blinking.
I brought the pillowcase up from the basement and threw it outside in the trash.
When I came back in, Mr. Merlo was in the hallway, sitting on the floor with his legs
straight out, slumped against the wall. He wasn’t wearing no shirt. He’s got big hairy breasts and a obesity stomach.
Wiggins, he said.
I said, Hey, Mr. Merlo.
Wiggins, Wiggins, Wiggins.
It seemed like he was having trouble breathing.
I was like, Where’s your wheelchair?
In the living room, he said.
Why are you on the floor? I asked.
He said, Because I was seeing if I could walk.
He was making this weird growling noise and he was saying his words with a lot of carefulness. He was smiling too and his eyes were bugging.
He said, Some summer, eh?
I said, Should I call somebody?
No, he said. No need for that. I’m just resting.
I was like, Do you want me to go get your chair for you?
I’ll make my way back to it, he said. I can use the exercise. After all, it’s the summer. Time to go the beach.
His legs looked all skinny and white and dead. There wasn’t no hair on them. It was like they were made of candy.
He said, What’s going on down there in the basement?
I was like, There was a raccoon in the fridge.
He went, A coon. You don’t say?
It was dead, I said. Don’t worry, I cleaned everything up.
Animals, he said. Gotta love animals.
The he growled more and smiled and frowned at the same time. His chin was really buried in his chest. I couldn’t tell what was his beard and what was his chest hair.
He said, You’re a good kid, Wiggins.
I nodded even though I know it’s not true. I know I’m dirty thieving scum.
He said, You know that, right?
I nodded again.
He was like, There aren’t many good ones left.
I just kept nodding.
Then I said, In all them alien abduction books, do they ever take kids?
Sometimes, he answered. They’ll take just about anybody.
I went, But what about kids like me?
He said, I’m sure they’d love to have you, Wiggins.
I was like, Cool. Cool.
Then he said, I need you to do me a favor.
I said, What?
He said, Go get some diapers for me.
I said, From in your room?
No, he said. I need you to go to the store. I ran out.
It’s pretty late, I said.
He went, It’s barely midnight.
I said, What’s open?
Econofoods is twenty-four hours, he said.
I was like, What about Orange?
He said, Tim doesn’t concern himself with my issues.
I said, Yes he does.
He said, You can take the car. It hasn’t been driven in a while but there’s gas in it.
I said, I don’t got a license.
He went, You don’t?
I shook my head.
I’m only thirteen, I said.
Okay, he said. Okay.
Then he almost fell asleep.
When his eyes opened he said, What the heck, go ahead and take the car anyway. You’re pretty coordinated, right?
I went, I’m coordinated.
He said, Driving’s a piece of cake. I’ll let you keep the change.
I thought about his Taurus. It’s gray with rust spots. In a flash I saw me and the Frog driving off somewhere. I would take her to a amusement park and we’d ride one of those rollercoasters that twists upside-down and I’d get her a hotdog and some cotton candy.
Orange came down from upstairs. He just appeared like a spirit.
To Mr. Merlo he said, Where’s your chair, fucko?
I said, He was trying to walk.
Orange was like, That’ll be the day.
I’m going to walk, Mr. Merlo said.
To his dad Orange said, You quit rehab after two days!
Because I wasn’t ready, he cried.
Mr. Merlo’s eyes were really bulging now. Like he was trying to use them to breathe.
Jesus, Orange said. At least put a shirt on.
You put a shirt on! Mr. Merlo yelled back.
I went back down into the basement and washed my hands and fed the Frog a bowl of Chex and gave her her Flintstones multi-vitamin with extra C. I sat on the floor with her and watched her eat.
She said, Thanks, Toofairy.
She stopped eating her Chex for a second and touched my face.
What? I said. What’s wrong?
Your toof, she said. What happened?
I got punched, I told her.
She was like, By who?
Doesn’t matter, I said.
She said, Does it hurt?
I shook my head cause the truth was I was rolling double and nothing hurt. I could’ve got hit by a bus and I wouldn’t have knowed the difference.
I would get her a hotdog and some cotton candy and then we’d go into the funhouse and stand in front of one of those big freaky mirrors and make faces.
She went, Where is it?
I reached into my pocket and gave her my tooth.
She said, I can have it?
I nodded. It looked big in her hand.
She said, Looks like a aminal toof.
I am a animal, I told her.
Are you a woof? She asked.
I’m a boy, I told her. Boys are animals. So are girls. You’re part animal too.
It’s good to tell little kids the truth about shit.
She said, I’m a aminal too?
I was like, That’s right.
I’m a woof, she said.
You’re a wolfgirl, I said.
I pointed to my tooth and said, Don’t lose it or I’ll punish you.
She nodded and started eating again. Her hair smelt. It was pretty, the way blond hair can be on a girl, but it stank like those dead raccoon babies. The whole basement smelt like that.
After she ate her vitamin she showed me her tongue and said, Do you love those dead aminal babies?
Her space alien eyes looked big and stupid.
I nodded and she kept eating.
She said, Do you love those dead aminal babies more than me?
I shook my head.
You could hear Orange arguing with Mr. Merlo. I think they were still in the hall. At some point Mr. Merlo started crying. He sounded like a car honking on the highway. It was like he was pressing a button to make the sound.
For a second I thought maybe him and Dirty Diana should move in together. She could come live at his place and help him change his diapers and borrow his car cause Dirty Diana crashed our Nissan Versa in March. Cortina could come over and Miggy too and they could all watch Skinemax and take Mr. Merlo’s pain pills and maybe have a orgy.
You could hear how Orange went and got him his wheelchair and was helping his dad into it.
Mr. Merlo was grunting and groaning.
Stop crying, I heard Orange say. I’ll go get you your goddamn diapers.
During the last week of school Bounce made Wiggins and me slap-box in the boys’ bathroom. He was sposed to be in Language Arts and I was sposed to be in P.E. but Bounce put notes in our lockers.
Three rounds, Bounce said. Don’t be pussies. Ninety seconds per round.
She uses the stopwatch feature on her iPhone 4.
Demarcus Peeples came in to take a piss but he turnt right around when he saw Bounce.
Come here, Peeples, she ordered.
But he didn’t come in far enough to where I could grab him. He was lucky.
I’m taller than Wiggins and I got longer arms, but he’s quick like a project nigger cause he lives in the nigger projects. He knows how to bob and weave and come up under you. He stuck me four times in the first round and I kept missing him. I caught his shoulder once but Bounce says that don’t count.
Come on, Orange, she said. Hit that little pretty freak.
I was trying, I really was, but I kept missing.
Once I slapped the corner of the st
all and cut my palm.
In the second round I caught Wiggins on the top of the head, but that don’t count as much as a slap to the eye or mouth. Bounce keeps points in her head.
Twelve-eight Wiggins, she said.
After I grazed his jaw, Wiggins came up under me again and popped my chin and I bit my tongue and it started bleeding.
Nice, Wiggins, Bounce said. Good little beast!
I could taste the blood in my mouth. Blood tastes stupid like a doorknob.
During the third round we were both winded. I get tired cause I smoke too much weed with Lyde and his boy Starnell. Starnell’s always got Jamaican skunk. So does this guy called Grover Cleveland Steamer who sprays down shoes at the bowling alley. He trades me dimebags for my dad’s pain pills.
Wiggins don’t smoke weed, and he’s always doing push-ups so he’s got fitness.
My best move was when I pushed Wiggins in the last stall and he fell back on the toilet and I smacked him good across the face. Then I got him with the left, and the right again. Pink snot was coming out his nose.
Fifteen-thirteen Wiggins, Bounce called, but I knew I was beating him and she was just trying to motivate her man.
Wiggins couldn’t get off the toilet so I knew I had him.
When Bounce calls knuckles we get to use our fists. She only calls it for the last ten seconds.
Knuckles! she shouted.
Wiggins caught me square under my chin and got back to his feet. I hit him in his ear and then he caught me under the chin again and I bit my tongue even harder. Little fucker, I thought. Little quick white nigger bitch. I punched him square in the mouth as hard as I could and then it was over.