by Jane Davitt
“I can’t change her.” Austin sounded so upset about it that Jay slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him. “And if I go after her about this, she’s just going to dig deeper until she finds out every little sordid detail of my life. You know what she’s like. She won’t just tell Mom—she’ll probably tell everyone I know, leave anonymous messages at my work. It’ll suck. I can’t deal with that.”
“You shouldn’t have to.” Liam reached out and smoothed Austin’s hair. It was something Jay would’ve done without thinking, but coming from Liam, it seemed significant somehow. The affectionate caress should’ve made Jay relax, but it didn’t. Something was wrong. Liam wasn’t doing anything the way he usually did. “Is it really a problem? Your mother finding out about, well, what you do with me?”
Austin shuddered. “Yeah. Huge. She wouldn’t understand it at all. Being gay, yeah, she coped just fine with that. She was great. This, though…she’d just…she wouldn’t—”
“If it’s not your thing, it seems weird.” Jay shrugged. “It’s kind of ironic, but April probably would get it. Not something she’s played with as far as I know, but she gives off this vibe, you know?”
Liam looked at him. “Toppy-as-hell sub? I can picture that, but God help her dom.”
“Hey!” Austin said, his voice sharp. “That’s my sister you’re talking about. She’s not part of what we do in any fucking way.”
“And yet she keeps popping up,” Liam murmured without commenting on Austin’s swearing. The red flags were all over the place now, and Jay’s skin was crawling with tension. “Never mind her for now. I wanted to talk to you about something else.”
Jay felt Austin stiffen, his body rigid. He wet his lips. “Sir?”
Liam winced at that, the smallest of grimaces, but it told Jay what was coming even before Liam began to speak. He felt his heart thud painfully, dread holding him silent even as he chanted no over and over in his head.
“When I was away, I had time to think, and without beating around the bush, I feel it’s time to end our arrangement. It’s nothing you two have done, so please don’t feel—”
“I know it’s nothing we’ve done.” Austin’s voice was shaking as he stood, breaking free of Jay’s embrace. He stared down at Liam, his face pale. “Because we’ve done everything you told us to. You can’t just walk away when we’ve done nothing wrong. You can’t punish us like this for something my sister did.”
Jay got to his feet, leaving Liam on the couch, looking up at them, his expression controlled but a flicker of distress in his eyes.
“Is this because of what April said?” His voice sounded strange in his ears. “Did she threaten you or something?”
“No,” Liam said calmly. “Well, yes, she did, but that doesn’t have anything to do with my decision. Any of us can end this at any time, for any reason. My reasons have nothing to do with April or with anything you’ve done.”
Jay felt like throwing up. It was one thing to be dumped like this, but another not to understand why. “What did she say?”
Liam sighed. “I’d really hoped not to get into it. Would it be enough to say that Austin’s fears are exactly what she’d zeroed in on?”
“Oh God.” Austin looked like he felt like throwing up, and obviously Jay didn’t blame him. “Sorry, I have to—” He bolted from the room, and a moment later Jay and Liam heard the sounds of retching from the bathroom.
Jay went to him and ran cold water over a washcloth to hold to Austin’s face when he was done. He didn’t actually throw up, just made miserable noises and curled up on the floor, hiding his face against Jay’s chest. “Shh. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay,” Austin said, voice muffled. “It’s not. How can we stop? We need this.”
Looking up to catch Liam’s eye, Jay hoped his face made it clear what he thought of Liam’s pronouncement and what it was doing to Austin. Liam glanced away, then said, “I’ll get you a glass of water,” and left.
“I don’t get it.” The back of Austin’s neck was cool and clammy against Jay’s fingers. “If we didn’t do anything wrong, then why?”
“I don’t know. But we’ll find out. He’ll tell us.” Jay meant it.
Liam returned with the water, the sides of the glass wet as if he’d filled from the tap in a hurry. It slipped through Jay’s fingers as he took it from Liam, and he had to tighten them to prevent dropping it. He held the glass to Austin’s lips. “Just take some small sips.”
Austin did as he was told, obediently swallowing about half of what was in the glass. He glanced up at Jay, his eyes wet with tears. “I’m okay now. Sorry. I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Jay felt like punching the wall and leaving streaks of blood to mar the cool, pale perfection of the surface. “Neither of us did.”
“You’re being overly dramatic.” Liam’s voice was cold and brittle as if a thin layer of ice had formed around the words. “You’ll find someone else. I suggest next time you make sure he’s gay. I don’t think I worked out so well for you in that department, did I? Of course, he’ll want to fuck you, but no one would blame him for that.”
It had been only a few minutes since Jay had gotten out of the car, looking forward to seeing Liam, maybe even hugging him before the session started and feeling Liam’s breath warm against his face. Jay took the glass from Austin and placed it carefully on the floor, out of the way.
Ignoring Liam, blocking out what he’d said for the moment, he asked Austin, “Can you get up?”
Austin nodded, and Jay rose and helped Austin up. He wasn’t doing this crouched down, groveling at Liam’s feet. Liam didn’t want to see them like that.
Liam stepped back, and Jay led Austin out into the hallway. They faced Liam, a gap between them, the empty space around them echoing with silence.
“Is that the real reason?” Jay tried to stay calm. Austin didn’t need more drama; he just needed truthful answers. They both did. “You’re freaking out over the idea that you’re physically attracted to us? What you said before about being able to cope after I blew you, all that bullshit about your friend—”
“I don’t ‘freak out.’ I’ll leave that overreaction to your generation, but yes, it’s part of it. Since I met you two, I haven’t had sex. I can’t live like that.”
“We never tried to stop you.” Austin’s words were almost inaudible.
Liam made an impatient sound. “Yes, I know I could date someone under our arrangement. I had the opportunity to sleep with a woman when I was away, as it happens—but I turned her down. She wouldn’t have been at all interested in what I wanted from her in bed. I’m sick and tired of settling for less. I don’t want to play with you and have a woman on the side for vanilla sex. I want a sub I can fuck. I’d prefer it be a woman.” Liam spread his hands. “You see? It’s not your fault. You just can’t provide what I need.”
There was a brief silence; then Austin said, “Well, that sucks.”
“Yes,” Liam said.
“And it’s not like we can turn into women. Not that I’d want to.” Austin’s hand found Jay’s again and held on to it.
“No. In the long run, this won’t suit any of us,” Liam said. “There’s no point in continuing, knowing that. We’re all likely to be more hurt than we already are.” He paused, then added, “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah,” Jay said bleakly—because how could you argue with the man’s sexuality? If he wasn’t attracted to them—or, Jay suspected, he was but didn’t want to admit it—there was nothing they could say to change his mind. “Yeah. We’re sorry too.”
“So…that’s it? It’s over, just like that?” Austin seemed stunned, his grip on Jay’s hand like that of a drowning man’s.
“It would seem so.” Liam looked sad. Jay wasn’t sure if that made it better or worse.
No, screw that. Nothing could make it better right now. He and Austin just had to keep hanging in there, together, until enough time had passed.
The
y’d done it before. They could do it again.
* * *
The next two weeks were sheer hell as far as Jay was concerned. Thank God for the library and his love of books. They provided much-needed distraction from the sense of loss he felt. He wished Austin had something similar to cling to, but Austin went to work like a zombie in the mornings and came home like a zombie in the evenings, eyes dull. At night, with the lights out, they had desperate, needy sex that didn’t make either of them feel anything but physical release. It was something, though.
Friday morning—Fridays were the worst and probably would be for months—Jay was determined to start the day on the right foot. “Let’s do something tonight,” he said with forced cheerfulness over breakfast.
“Like what?” Austin was eating his wheat-flake cereal without enthusiasm, still bleary with lack of sleep.
“I don’t know. We could check out that new mall, you know, the one we’ve been seeing all the ads for? They’re supposed to have a lot of restaurants.”
“Okay. Sure.”
Jay got home before Austin that night, and was half listening for the sound of Austin’s key in the door as he straightened up the kitchen. Instead what he heard was footsteps and then a muffled curse and a series of loud thuds that had him springing to throw the door open. Austin was sprawled at the bottom of the narrow staircase, unmoving.
“Fuck. Fuck, Austin…” Jay flew down the steps without caution for his own safety and was incredibly relieved when Austin sat up, one hand to his head.
“Always knew one of us would do that someday,” Austin said, dazed.
Jay dropped to the floor and cradled Austin’s head, tilting it to examine the damage. “Don’t move. Let me see.” A lump was already rising on Austin’s head, though it didn’t look as bad as it probably would in an hour. The skin was reddened and grazed, purple lines scoring the swelling skin.
“It’s not bleeding, but we need to get some ice and arnica on it.”
“Arnica usually goes on my ass,” Austin mumbled. He sounded vague and out of it, which wasn’t surprising. “Ow. This hurts and not in a good way. Doesn’t seem fair. We’re supposed to get off on pain.”
Jay had never felt less like laughing, but he forced out a chuckle. “It comes in all shapes and sizes. Like ice cream flavors.”
“You know that makes no sense?”
Jay kissed the bumped skin. “You know what I mean. Can you get up or do you want me to bring the ice to you here?”
“I can walk. It’s just a flesh wound.”
The quotation from one of the movies they’d watched with Liam made Jay’s mouth tighten, but he concentrated on helping Austin up the stairs. When he’d gotten Austin settled in a kitchen chair with a homemade ice pack, he let himself take a deep breath. His legs were wobbly, so he sat next to Austin at the table, taking Austin’s free hand in both of his, stroking it comfortingly.
“Poor baby. I’ll get you a painkiller in a minute. You’re going to have one hell of a headache.”
Austin glanced down at the table, not meeting Jay’s eyes. “I’m okay.”
“Huh? I think you should take something.”
Austin snatched his hand away. “I’m fine.”
Okay, that made no sense. Jay wasn’t going to let it go, either. There’d been too much of that lately. He reached out and grabbed Austin’s chin, using his hold to tilt Austin’s face up so that he could get a good look at his eyes. The shamed defiance in Austin’s eyes told him all he needed to know, though the dilated pupils were hard to miss. “You’ve been taking Valium again.”
Austin closed his eyes as if he couldn’t bear to see Jay’s expression, though Jay was doing his best to keep it neutral. “Just the last few days, I swear. I needed to sleep. I feel so fucking tired all the time.”
“You can take ibuprofen with Valium,” Jay said, keeping his voice steady. “I’ll get you some.”
When he came back with it, Austin reached for his hand, the ice pack on the table now. “Please don’t be mad at me,” he whispered. “Please. I can’t take it.”
“I’m not mad.” It was a lie, because part of Jay was mad even though he understood why Austin had done it. “I’m worried. Here, take these.”
Austin obeyed without question, swallowing the pills Jay gave him. “I’m sorry. I know I said before I wouldn’t do it again—”
“But this time you mean it?” Jay shook his head. “I know you’re sorry; that’s not the point.”
“What is?” Austin was looking at him with wide eyes, biting his lip, and Jay knew with a flash of insight that he’d love him forever.
“Is it Liam?”
Austin’s eyes flooded with tears that spilled over and ran down his cheeks. “It’s not…it’s not just missing what he did for us, the dom stuff. It’s him.”
“Yeah, I miss him too. But we’re going to be okay.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.” Austin swiped at his cheeks angrily. “It’s not just me, right? It was good, the three of us. Why couldn’t he see that?”
This was the same conversation they’d already had several times, and Jay didn’t have any new answers. “Maybe he really is straight.”
“No.” Austin shook his head, too vehemently given the knock it’d taken. He winced and put his hand to his head. “No,” he repeated with less emphasis. “He’s not. Bi, yeah, but he’s not straight. I’ll accept that maybe he’s happier having sex with women than men, though he hasn’t really tried the alternative, but he said it himself that when it comes to playing, he prefers guys. And he might want to get laid. Hell, after months without it, sure he does, but he’s got to choose.”
Jay thought that over. “Yeah. Sex with a female sub—nice and easy, but the sessions don’t work for him as well—or a session with us, and we know damn well he loves those, but the sex is problematic because—”
“We’re men.”
“No,” Jay said slowly. “Well, maybe, but there’s more to it than that.” He stood, needing to move, and found himself over at the sink, staring at stacked dishes that needed to be washed. Austin had let the housework slide, and without his nagging, Jay had lapsed into being a slob. He felt as if the answer was right there, always had been, but they’d been too ripped apart emotionally to see it clearly. “April doesn’t scare him. He’d chew her up and spit her out. He’s worried about your family finding out, but not for himself, just for you. And that bullshit about not wanting to fuck a guy? I had his dick in my mouth, and there was nothing about that he didn’t like.”
“He didn’t mind me kissing him either, or us making him come.”
Jay turned to face Austin and flung out his hands. “See? It makes no sense, any of it. Liam’s the kind of guy who hates compromising, but I don’t see how being with us would be one. We’re everything he wants.”
“One of us would be.”
“Huh?”
Austin gestured between them. “You. Me. A couple. He doesn’t want to split us up. I bet he’s been stressing over it for weeks, and April just tipped him over the edge.”
“He couldn’t split us up.” Jay closed the gap between them and went to his knees next to Austin’s chair. Austin’s mouth tasted of tears and tiredness, but he kissed it anyway, making sure Austin could feel just how much he was loved. “No one could. I love you. Love you more than I can tell you.”
Austin sighed and kissed him back, a long, sweet kiss. “You know I feel the same way. My Jay.”
“All yours.” Jay smiled at him. “We get sappier faster than anyone I know.”
“Ssh. It’s our secret. I’ll never tell.”
Jay rested his forehead in the crook of Austin’s neck. “So you think that’s it? Liam’s being all noble and self-sacrificing?”
“Maybe. Or maybe we’re just doing a lot of wishful thinking and he’s already found some sweet little sub, and he’s fucking her brains out every Friday night.”
Jay drew back. Austin sounded so bitter. “I don’t… He wou
ldn’t.”
Austin stood, the peaceful moment shattered. “Why not? No point in kicking us out of his life if he doesn’t follow through and replace us. Hell, maybe we’ve given him a taste for threesomes, and he’s found twins who’re both into the scene. We know he can handle two subs at a time.”
There was so much wrong with that picture, Jay didn’t know where to start. “Austin—”
“I’m going to take a nap. My head aches. And, Jay, don’t get any ideas about calling Liam. He knows where we are. If he wants us, he can come crawling.”
Austin pushed Jay’s hand aside and walked away, heading for his room, not the bedroom they shared. The door closed with a quiet click.
Jay exhaled, a long sigh. Austin knew him too well. Calling Liam had been something he’d wanted to do for a while now, but he could see why Austin’s pride would take that option off the table—even if Austin wanted Liam back so much Jay could see it every time he looked at him. Easy to recognize that helpless yearning when he saw it in the mirror most days.
And really, satisfying though it would be to scream at Liam, the situation wasn’t totally his fault. He might have been worried about the growing intimacy between them, but without April’s interference, it was more likely that Liam would’ve talked it over with them. April had dripped poison in his ear—okay, yeah, he was being dramatic again—and Liam hadn’t realized how much of it had seeped inside.
It was messy. They had nothing to go on but a lot of guesswork, and there wasn’t likely to be a single reason Liam had dumped them, but a cluster of half reasons that added up to that final, brutal decision.
So he couldn’t call Liam…but he could sure as hell call April and tell her just what she’d done to a brother Jay had always believed she loved best of all her siblings, even if she had trouble showing it. She certainly didn’t give the rest of the family the grief she did Austin.
Austin had his family’s phone numbers written on a piece of notebook paper stuck to the side of the fridge. It had been there for months, and as Jay dialed April’s number, he wondered if it was still current—he didn’t know for sure, but April definitely struck him as the kind of person who’d go through phones quickly. As it turned out, though, she answered on the third ring.