by Liza James
"Let me show you," he replies and his mouth crashes against mine in a collision of tense necessity. Everything breaks, and my lips open immediately while his tongue slips inside of me. He tastes me, biting at my lip and then rolling his hips into mine at the same time.
Fuck, this is exactly what I want, the very thing my body is craving and my core is painfully aching for.
Why does it have to feel so incredibly perfect and be so destructively wrong?
"We don't work together, Carter," I manage to say while his hand moves between us.
"Yeah, we fuckin' do," he responds, the bitter anger obvious in his tone. He's always been a fighter, always demanded the things he knows to be true.
Black and white. That's Carter most of the time.
"Liv is better for you," I say, feeling tears spring to my eyes as I speak. She's everything the all-star QB would ever want in a partner. She'll be the best option for him when he gets drafted. My past, my family—my father. It would wreck the media and his standing in the NFL.
"Why the hell would you say that?" He pulls back and meets my eyes, pausing his touch while he tries to catch his breath.
Tears spill over my cheeks in silence while I let the honest truth of our situation weigh down on me.
This is it, this can't keep happening.
"Everything that's happening with my dad. The rehab, the outbursts, the history of domestic abuse. You couldn't carry all of that with the media and press when you get drafted. When you go pro, Carter. Liv's life, career and family will fit within your future easily. Beautifully." I'm crying, but I force my voice clear and steady as I speak. My breaths slow and the tension between us begins slipping through our fingers and words.
He releases my hands and I quickly wipe the tears from my face while his eyes watch me. He sets me back down on the ground and steps back, his features twisting into something cold and detached.
"The fact that you could ever think I would give a shit about the media and your dad," he scoffs, looking away as a wry smile crosses his face. Turning back to me, his eyes bore into mine with such anger that it stings my chest to even see it. "None of that matters to me. How I would have to handle the press in regards to your family or mine. You know that, Bloom. None of that matters to me. I'll get drafted no matter what, because I'm a damn good player and my future is in the NFL."
"Of course," I interrupt, I didn't mean to offend him in this. "Of course, you'll get drafted to an amazing team! I know you will. You're a phenomenal player, Carter. I only meant that you don't need my baggage to carry through your successes." I try to explain but he's already stepping away and turning around. My heart races, new tears threatening to fall free brim my lashes, but I force them back. I don't want to hurt him, I would never want that. I only want what's best for him.
"You've never been baggage. Ever. Not your dad, not your past, not your family. You know me better than to think I'd be that shallow in my career. This—" he motions back and forth between us. "This is far bigger than anything like that and you know it."
He turns and stalks toward me again, backing me up and throwing his hands on either side of me against the wall. He drops his head next to my ear, keeping a deliberate distance between his lips and my skin. "You go be with Benj tonight, Baby Bloom. That's fine. But you remember, if he kisses you, if he touches you, it will be nothing compared to this. Not a damn thing," he whispers the words before pulling away and meeting my eyes again. God, he's livid. I can practically see the anger burning in his eyes. I feel it in between us, the fire, of both desire and rage in one.
It's a constant push and pull between us. The craving sting of something you should have never tried in the first place.
A wash of disappointment rolls over me as he turns and walks out of the bathroom. I want to beg him to stay, I want to be with him tonight instead of Benj. Everything inside of me is begging for one thing while my mind logically works to explain it all away with anxious hypotheticals.
He doesn't need me.
Benj still has another year before he enters the draft. I can fix all of my shit, the stuff with my father before then so he doesn't suffer from the repercussions I could potentially bring.
But who is to even say I'll actually end up with Benj.
Carter, however. That, I would know. If we got together, if we took this relationship to another place?
We'd be the end. We'd work, and we'd connect and spend the rest of our lives together.
We're the horizon at the beginning and end of each day. We're the fix for our own addictions, the progress and work and devotion to the completed masterpiece.
We're the art. The passion. The intoxication.
But is the knowledge enough to make it last? Is it worth the fight it would take to get there? I don't think it would be for him. And what if things would be destroyed in the process?
Our friendship with Liv, with Benj. The potential of risking Carter's career before I could get everything under control.
Those risks aren't worth it. No matter how good we would be together if it worked.
A few minutes later, I finally walk out of the bathroom, only to find Benj waiting patiently by himself. As soon as I walk up, he smiles and offers his hand to me. He leads us out of the stadium and to his truck, helping me jump inside like he usually does.
It's quiet at first, and I'm not sure if it's tense because of what I just went through with Carter, or if it's because of something else. He rests his hand on my thigh though, and while I like the feeling of it being there, I feel guilty over not needing his touch like I need Carters.
"Is everything okay?" I ask him, venturing toward a topic I'm afraid to address. I don't know what he'll mention and I'm not sure what my response will be right now. But I don't want to sit in this tension all night with him.
He's quiet at first, watching the road while his thumb brushes back and forth along my inner thigh. "Liv mentioned something to me a while ago, and I feel like we should discuss it before moving forward with whatever it is we have going," he says, keeping his tone casual when he glances my way. "I think we were venturing that way at lunch the other day, but didn't get to finish the conversation."
Lunch the other day, with my dad. Shit, what were we talking about before that happened?
We pull off the main road and down an unpaved path, driving over gravel and dirt while we talk. I'm silent for a few moments, wracking through my mind in order to give myself some sort of advantage as to what we're heading into.
But I can't remember exactly what happened. That day is clouded over with memories of my dad and then that night with Carter. "All right, shoot. Remind me what it was we were discussing again?"
It can't have to do with Carter, so I'm fairly confident I'll be open with this.
"We were talking about the people we've been with." He cautions, but his voice remains steady and confident.
Ah, shit. Now I remember.
I'm overtaken by a new wave of frustration, because it sounds like he may already know what I haven't shared with him. "Yeah, okay. I remember now, did Liv already tell you about me?"
He looks my way again briefly before turning back toward the road. We pull over into the grass and he turns the truck off so we can finally sit in silence.
But before answering me, he opens his door and climbs out, walking to my side and doing the same for me. Without a word, he walks to the back and opens the tailgate, surprising me with a bed full of thick, heavy blankets and pillows.
His hands land on my waist as he lifts me up, setting me on the edge before he jumps inside as well. We both shift to the back of the truck and he pulls me in-between his legs so my back is pressed against his chest. I pull a few blankets over the top of us and look up to appreciate how perfect the night sky is in this part of town.
Quiet. Wide open. No outside filtration of city lights. All stars, big and bright and beautiful.
"Yeah, Liv did tell me about you. And I have no issues with that. Obviously, you
probably know my history—"
"And I have no issues with that either," I quickly say so he knows I hold no judgement. I believe people should be with whoever they'd like to be with and however many people they'd like to. But Liv giving this piece of myself to him? That's a big problem. One she's definitely going to have to own up to.
"I just want you to know there isn't any pressure. We can work up to that shit if it's the right time. Don't feel obligated because of who I am or who I've been with." His arms wrap tightly around me, his fingers pressing against my waist as he speaks.
And it feels...nice. Warm. Kind.
"First of all, I don't feel pressured for any of that. I wouldn't let you put me in that position if I did. Second of all, that wasn't Liv's information to share with you. But I appreciate you telling me and being honest about it." I'm trying to stay present in this moment, focus on this time with Benj but I'm being tugged in so many different directions mentally.
Liv.
Carter.
Benj.
Each one of them marking my mind in different ways. All fighting with emotions so differently from each other.
I'm angry with Liv for blatantly disrespecting my privacy, I'm appreciative of Benj, and hopeful I'll feel something more for him.
I'm irritated and also drawn to Carter uncontrollably. I crave him, but I'm logically trying to find those feelings in Benj instead.
I need to.
I press myself back against him, wrapping my fingers around his forearms while we lay under the blankets. His head dips to my side, his nose grazing across my cheek as he speaks. "I should have told you sooner," he says quietly, and I feel his hands flatten across my stomach while we move closer together.
"Yeah," I reply firmly, turning my face toward his a bit more. I can feel his breath on my skin, washing over me in hesitant movements as we step closer to this line between us. "You should have. But I'll give you a pass on this one."
He chuckles, a low sound that vibrates through his chest and I can feel it in my own body. I like that, I absently think to myself and find a smile falling easily to my lips in this moment. We both fall silent, treading even closer when one of his hands leaves my stomach and comes up to my shoulder. His fingers trail a soft line, moving over my skin where my sweater has fallen down my arm.
My heart beat quickens, fluttering a little lighter than it usually does with Carter. I don't want to compare them, I really don't. But I'm finding it hard in this moment not to.
He moves up to my ear, right at the space behind my jaw and slowly moves down.
Intentional, erotic, gentle.
Tilting my head up, my lips are only a breath away from his own. I gasp as his thumb trails a line over my lower lip, tugging it down before releasing and gripping my chin.
He's going to kiss me. My heart leaps at the anticipation, my skin heats at the thought of being closer to him. I need this, I know it. This is where things will change, where I'll be able to let go of Carter completely and fall for Benj where I need to.
He tugs me forward, just as his lips brush across mine and he claims me. His touch is slow and deliberate, his mouth moving with mine in waves that ebb and flow easily with each other. I open up for him, urging him to come further, to move quicker, to give me more than something sweet when my body craves the demand I know he can offer.
Because I know he's dominant. He's shown it in countless ways before he knew I was a virgin. I've seen it in the interactions he's had with other women, in the way he backed me up at the party and spoke filthy words in my ears.
My mind distracts for a moment, wondering if he's being this gentle because of that exact reason.
This is another reason why I don't want people to know. Because they feel like they have to treat me differently, handle me with care and fragility.
I lift a hand and twist my fingers in his shirt, feeling the hard ripples of his stomach under my touch. He's hot, in both his temperature and how he looks. I shift closer to him, realizing I can gain more heat with him than these blankets could ever give me.
I decide to turn my entire body toward his, show him I'm not some young girl who doesn't know what she wants. That's never been me, and I know exactly what I want him to give me. I lift a leg and throw it over his own, his hands moving to my hips as he lifts me up so I can straddle his lap completely. He leans back against the pillows and blankets while I hover over him, sliding my hands underneath the hem of his shirt so I can feel his skin.
"It's true, I've never slept with anyone, Benj." I say, leaning down and grazing my lips over his neck and biting softly. "But I've been with guys before and I don't need you to treat me like I'm fragile. I know what I want and I'll tell you to stop if it's too much."
His response is immediate, his fingers pressing roughly into my ass as he rolls his hips up and against me. His fingers weave through the back of my hair as he grips the back of my head. He drags me back up to his lips again, colliding against me while our bodies shift together.
His kiss becomes more assertive, aggressive, and his teeth scrape along my skin in ways that turn me on and urge me to keep going. His tongue delves inside of my mouth, mine warring with his while we consume each other. I can feel him getting hard, his cock pressing against my core where I'm spread wide over the top of him.
I shut my eyes, visualizing the image of us moving together. His shorter brown hair, longer on top and shaved on the sides. His blue eyes as he watches me, his rough and demanding touch as he takes me.
Wait, no.
His hands slide into the back of my jeans, grazing across my skin while he slips farther back and inches closer to my pussy. Filthy words I've heard before play in my mind, but they aren't the things Benj has ever said to me.
They're Carter's words.
Benj groans as he pushes against me again and I roll forward, grinding against his cock while I try to work up to my own release. But it's the wrong sound, and the second I hear his voice, I'm detaching myself mentally and wishing it were Carter.
Motherfucker.
I'm so frustrated. I wanted to feel differently with Benj, this was supposed to change everything for me. But instead, every touch he leaves on my skin, every kiss he presses to my lips, I'm imagining someone else instead of the person I should be with.
I pull back briefly and sit up, trying to catch my breath while Benj's hands slide up my ribs and back down again. I lift my arms and tie my hair up on top of my head, using it as a distraction so I can think for a quick moment.
"You okay?" Benj asks. Genuinely. He knows I want to be comfortable in this, and god I want to be more than anything. But maybe I'm too distracted because of what already happened with Carter in the bathroom this evening.
Maybe I ruined tonight by having a weak moment with him.
Shit. "Yeah, I'm good, I'm good. My head is just...scattered tonight I think." I lean forward again and kiss him, rolling my body against his in hopes I haven't completely destroyed the mood for this evening. I love that he brought me here, I love how he's taken the time to invest in our relationship.
I'm just worried it won't ever be enough to satisfy what I truly want.
Benj kisses me back but feels a bit reserved, his energy is a little off. I can feel it tensing in the spaces between us. He sits up, his hands remaining on my waist while he holds me against him. But he pulls back and his eyes meet mine, something hesitant and cautious lingering in his gaze.
"Maybe we should slow down," he offers and I search his expression for some kind of inclination as to how he's feeling. Something is off, and for some strange reason, I don't know if it only has to do with me. It's something in him as well, and my head tilts to the side while I try to understand it.
"Are you okay?" I ask, curious as to whether there's something else he's not sharing with me.
His expression falls clear, as if he's slipped something back over his features to mask whatever it was I just saw. "Of course, I just want to make sure we don't rush you."
Usually, I would believe his kindness, and in a way, I do. Absolutely. I know Benj is honest, I know he doesn't push people into things they don't want to do. But I'm missing something. I can't figure out what it is just yet.
"Of course," I reply, deciding to take the opportunity however I can get it. I scoot back off of his lap and turn around in his arms, settling myself between his legs again while we weave ourselves together.
This is comfortable. This has no expectations or standards. This feels casual and lacking of pressure. That's what I enjoy about being with Benj, and maybe this is why part of me feels we can only remain a friendship.
I'm just not innately attracted to him like I am to Carter.
We spend the rest of the night talking about countless topics in the darkness. We laugh and discuss our childhoods, I open up and tell him about my father and what my relationship with him looked like as I grew up. I tell him about my art and he talks to me about his future aspirations as a pro player in the NFL.
It's innocent. And pure. And exactly what I needed to shed light on the distinct differences I feel when I'm with Benj and when I'm with Carter.
Once he drives me back to the Theta Si house, I'm tempted to send Carter a text and let him know I'm home. I'm tempted to ask him to come over, so we can talk about whatever it was that's been happening between us.
Hypothetically, how could I even approach this topic with Liv? How could I explain to her how I'm feeling, how I'm confused. Hell, how do I even find the clarity in my own head of what I want?
Because I know what I don't want. I don't want to lose my friendship with her, I don't want to lose my friendship with Carter if we don't work out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I affected his career with my history or hurt Liv beyond repair for this betrayal.
It's after midnight, and I know Benj is already going to be short on sleep before practice in the morning. I'll have Color Theory with Carter tomorrow morning as well, so I settle on not texting him and choosing to talk face to face after class instead.
I'm quietly stepping up the stair case, making sure not to illicit much noise while the entire house is asleep. The lights are off, and the darkness shrouds my vision while I pat the walls and bannister leading to my room.