by Liza James
I've lived a life of temporary highs while she's the everlasting glow in the middle of summer.
There they are.
Bloom and Liv are standing toward the back, partly hidden behind a shelving unit while Bloom has her arms crossed over her chest and clings to a small stack of books. Liv is standing in front of her, waving her hands animatedly while her features twist in frustration.
They're arguing. Great.
I walk toward them and when Liv glances my direction her eyes quickly widen before she brushes it off. "Ahh, trouble in the trio, I see," I speak casually, hoping to lighten the mood before things unravel more than they should.
My gaze darts to Bloom, who is clearly avoiding me by keeping her eyes on Liv. She lifts her arms and rubs her palms in her eyes while sighing a heavy sound. I place my hands on both of their backs and usher them toward the back wall, where there's fewer people and less ability for anyone to eavesdrop.
"What's going on?" I ask, turning toward Bloom so she's forced to address me.
"Go away, Carter. This has nothing to do with you," she snaps, and hell I can feel the anger rolling off of her shoulders.
I lean back and raise my eyebrows in surprise at her snark. "Keep the sass to a minimum, Baby Bloom. Or you'll have consequences to pay." My voice drops a bit lower, and while it's nothing I've never said to either of them before, it hits a little differently this time.
I can see the red wash work up and over her neck, staining her cheeks with a sweet blush.
Fuck, I want her again. Already. Now.
I want to see where else she's pink and pretty and—
"Bloom is upset because I told Benj about the fact that she's still a virg—" Liv quickly spills the secret we’ve been keeping and Bloom launches forward before I can stop her. Her hands slam over Liv's lips as she hushes her, and she grinds out heated words toward her best friend.
"Are you kidding me? Are you going to tell everyone?" She's livid, her hands practically shaking when she finally steps back and hesitantly glances my way.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
"Why are you freaking out, Bloom? Carter already knows!" Fucking hell. Liv's hands wave toward me, her voice lined with confusion and disbelief.
Slowly, Bloom turns my direction and tilts her head up to look me in the eyes. Her chocolate brown gaze has turned incredibly darker, almost entirely black as her lips flatten into a tight line before she responds. "What? You knew?" she asks quietly, her shoulders settling back and her body falling into a stillness that sends a wave of ice whipping through the air between us.
"Ah," I start, unsure of how to explain this. "Benj may have told me before the party." Fuck. There is absolutely no good way out of this. She's pissed, and her anger is beyond justified.
She scoffs in barely controlled rage, I can see it in the way she's biting her lip and narrowing her eyes. Her fingers clutch her books tightly, turning white at the knuckles before she releases their hold. She turns on her heels, stalking away from us so quickly that I immediately start after her. But Liv's hand wraps around my elbow and pulls me back, her own frustration lining her features as well.
"Let her go and blow off for a bit. We can apologize when she's had time to calm down," Liv explains. But that's not how I fucking work, and there's no way I'm letting Bloom run off like this. I pull my arm free of Liv's hold and tell her to head back to the Theta Si house, assuring her I'll bring Bloom back when we're finished.
I'm rounding the corner of one shelving unit, hurrying up behind Bloom when I launch my hand forward and grip her by the nape of her neck. I yank her back and take a few steps to our right, closing us in one of the rare book rooms the library houses.
"How could you do that?" she whispers loudly as I back her up against one of the bookshelves. "Everything we did, everything you said. You knew? You knew the entire time?" She presses her palms against her eyes as she tucks her head down and against my chest momentarily.
"I was going to talk to you about it. But I wasn't sure when to address it, and then things started changing between us. How am I supposed to ask you if you're a virgin?" I lay both of my hands against her cheeks and force her face up to look at me. Her hands are still shielding her and I slowly pull them away so she has to meet my gaze.
Her rich eyes are swirling with the depths of pain and embarrassment—I can feel it. She's strong and powerful but she knows this was a piece of her privacy she should have had the opportunity to share with me herself.
"That should have been knowledge I gave to you before you ever touched me at the studio, or after the game or in my room. You shouldn't have heard it from someone else. Not you." She pulls out of my hold, stepping back and turning around as clear frustration tightens her shoulders and stiffens her frame.
The energy between us turns sour and I can tell she's getting angrier and angrier by the second. My heart beats harder. My hand scrubs over my jaw and through my hair as I await whatever heated argument we are about to have.
I know she's right. Of course, she is. "I'm sorry, Bloom. Okay? I can't change the past. I should have told you sooner. Liv should have never told Benj and Benj should have never told me."
Bloom begins pacing back and forth across the small space and while the air is chillier and the distance between us grows wider, I can't help but feel like the tension is pulling so tightly it’ll have to release in some way or another.
“Was this some kind of game to you?" She suddenly turns toward me and straightens her shoulders. She's standing tall and her eyebrows raise in obvious confusion and disbelief. "Were you trying to claim my virginity before Benj could?"
My entire body goes rigid. A new burst of anger smashes through my chest in powerful waves. “Don’t. Don’t you fucking dare go there, Bloom.”
She scoffs, lifting her shaky hands and running them frantically through her hair. “I can’t believe this,” she mutters to herself. I’m off the shelf and stalking toward her before she can stop me, gripping her jaw tightly as I walk us to the back corner of the room.
“I’m telling you, don’t even go there. You know that’s not me.” I dip my head down and position myself directly in her vision. “Yeah, I can be an asshole. Yeah, I've been with countless other women. But you mean something else to me entirely and you know that."
Her hands reach forward as she grips my shirt over my stomach. I can feel her fingers twist in the fabric so tightly that it pulls me forward and against her a bit closer. She's still trembling, and her lips are pulled into a tight line across her face.
"I want you to be different, Carter. I want to believe this could be something more than the friendship we've had most of our lives." Her head falls back against the bookshelf and her eyes slip shut momentarily. When she opens them again, I'm met with both pain and the tiniest threads of hope woven tightly together. “When will you understand we shouldn’t be together, Carter?”
I run my thumb over her lower lip, pressing down just barely before releasing.
God, I want to kiss her again.
It's these moments with her. These vulnerable, painful, emotional moments constantly living inside of my mind. I don't even understand it, because this has never been me before.
"Never." I lean forward and brush my lips against hers. She immediately tilts her head up and drifts into me even more.
She wants this between us, I know she does. Her body moves in sync with my own, her hands slipping underneath my shirt so her fingertips can trace lines over my stomach. "I'll never believe that. Because this isn't something I could imagine experiencing with anyone else except you."
Bloom pulls back, and her eyes search my own briefly before she finally speaks. Her voice is hushed, aching words slip from her lips and taint the good in this moment. "Liv isn't over you. Not yet. She can't be." Her fingers press even harder against my skin and she weakly pushes me away. "We can't even consider this until she's moved on."
"So, what are you saying? Are you wanting to hide this from her until she
's ready to hear it?" I ask, surprised she would want to lie to Liv for as long as it might take.
Her eyes widen in shock and she lifts her hands in front of her to object. "No, absolutely not. We can't lie to Liv. Not about this, not about anything. Of course, it hurts she shared such personal parts of me behind my back, but I could never do that to her." She sighs, pausing before continuing and I can't help but feel a tiny beat of apprehension over what she's about to propose. "I think we should stay apart until she's ready to move on. Back to being best friends." She halts her words again, dropping her gaze and refusing to meet my eyes. "You can see other people. I'll focus on my pottery, the studio, Bess’s shop."
There it is.
I pause, rearing back at her ridiculous idea. No fucking way can I not have her now that I've tasted her. "You're kidding, right?" I step toward her again, forcing her back another foot and completely eating up the distance between us. "You think, in some parallel universe, you could go back to simply being friends with me." My voice drops a bit darker, my tone turning possessive and demanding while I hover over her in the small space.
I lean down, grazing my lips over the shell of her ear before continuing in a dark whisper. "Do you think you could handle seeing me with someone else? At a party, at a game. In one of the rooms at your sorority house while you sleep next door and listen to all of the ways I make her come?” I drop my fingers to her neck, trailing a heated line over her shoulder and then down to her chest. I feel her gasp underneath my touch, I can practically hear the smallest whimper begging to break free of her lips. I move lower, brushing over her collarbone and dipping down into the valley between her breasts. "Answer me."
She stays silent. So, I kiss her again. This time rough and demanding as my teeth scrape along her lower lip and I bite down. She moans and her fingers cling to my flesh as she pulls me tightly against her.
"No.” She finally replies after breaking our kiss. This time she's the one to lean forward again and claim my mouth with hers. She kisses me frantically, her hands pulling out from under my shirt and sliding around the back of my neck. She tugs me closer and I have to place one hand behind her on the shelf in order to keep her pinned against the wall. "I don't want to think about you with anyone else. I can't imagine your hands moving over someone else's body. I don't want to think about another girl saying your name while you touch her or kiss her or—"
"Stop." I wrap my fingers around the back of her thighs and lift her up against the shelves. I press my chest against hers, feeling her rapid breaths move across my body and enjoying the way she melts under my touch. "None of them make me feel the way you do."
"And then there's Benj," she says quickly, breaking in between kisses by pulling away and catching her breath.
Fuck, I don't want to think about Benj. He doesn't get her like I do. So, he doesn't get to claim her like I will.
"What about him? You are done. End of discussion."
"It isn't that easy," she says quietly, just as we hear the obscure sound of footsteps coming toward the doorway to this room. She immediately shoves me away and falls to the ground, panicking at the potential approach of a teacher or another student.
But I'm not afraid, I wouldn't mind someone catching us in the middle of the library.
No one walks in, and I can see the relief in Bloom's eyes and shoulders as she presses the palm of her hand against her chest and works to steady her breaths. Her eyes finally meet mine again, but she's already stepping away from me and toward the entrance to the room.
"We have to press pause for now." She absently runs one hand up and down the side of her arm, her voice is quiet, pleading me for understanding while she knows I will give her none.
"No."
She groans out in frustration. "Yes, Carter. Please, we have to tread carefully with Liv and Benj." She keeps stepping backwards until her back bumps the door frame.
My lips pull into a tight line and I can feel the tick settling in the back of my jaw. It's not that I don't understand what she's saying—it's simply that I don't fucking care. Our relationship is separate and apart from whatever has been happening with Liv and Benj. "What are we going to do at the party on Saturday night?"
I bet she hasn't even thought of it. I mentioned this party to her and Liv weeks ago. It's one that happens every year at our place—the Cardinal team house. The football team puts it all together, and it usually ends up being the biggest party of the year. I can see her eyes flash with understanding of what I'm alluding to, and suddenly her own wash of disappointment runs over her expression in heavy eyes and a sucked in bottom lip.
"I don't know," she replies quietly. "Of course, I want to be there with you. But I know Benj will want me there with him." She looks down and fidgets with the edge of her sweater. Her creamy skin is flushing red and I can feel her pulling away with each passing moment.
God, I'm fucking pissed.
"Don't do this. We can talk to them before the party, so neither of us have to pretend to be anything we aren't with someone else." Why is this so hard for her to understand? Why is she so focused on making everyone else happy when we simply need to center on ourselves and what we know is true and right.
See? Black and white.
"Because I know how badly this could hurt them." She slides her hands into her pockets, letting a sad smile spread across her lips and begins turning around.
A sudden thought springs to my mind, and I step forward to ask it. "Did you sleep with Benj?" I need to know the answer. He made some snarky comment about sleeping with one of my best friends. I can't believe it would have been Liv while we've had this weird thing happening between us. It only makes sense it would have been Bloom, but I also can't see her giving that piece to him after her and I have connected.
Bloom sighs out in frustration and scoffs at my dig for information. "Are you kidding me, Carter? Why can't you let this go?" She takes a few slow steps toward me and tilts her face up to meet my gaze. "Do you honestly think I could ever give that to him when I'm drowning in how I feel toward you?" Her voice is hushed and her tone is spilling with emotion and need.
My chest swells and my hands ache to touch her. I want to feel her body against mine again, I want to hear the sounds she makes only for me. But at the same time, another tug of disappointment and confusion hangs over me at the thought that maybe she hooked up with Benj.
"Okay. I'll let it go, I'm sorry." I use my fingers to tuck a few strands of loose hair behind her ear and watch as her cheeks pink when I move closer. "You've wrecked my world, and I don't know how to get it back under control."
Bloom steps away and smiles as she tilts her head to the side and gathers her hair in one hand, pulling it over her shoulder. Her fingers fidget together and I know she wants to say more, I know she wants to be closer. But she thinks this logical distance between us is the best course of action for now.
"There's a part of me that doesn't want you to gain control. I want you to get lost in me, I want to lose myself in you." She keeps stepping backwards, her energy and form retreating at the exact same time. I can feel her detaching herself from this moment. She's pulling away, in more ways than one. "But you need to focus on the draft and I should focus on my studies and my dad. We'll figure things out with Liv and Benj, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there."
I groan in frustration and irritation at her stubbornness. Scrubbing my palm over my jaw I finally surrender, "Fine. You can have your way for now, but this isn't over. This will never be over."
I wouldn’t let Carter drive me back to Theta Si. Instead, I chose to walk, working through my scattered thoughts and heavy feelings.
I want to be with Carter, I do. But there are too many things standing in the way right now. If we’re meant to be together, we will be. Sometime in the future, when it’s better for both of us.
Because I walked back to Theta Si, I’m almost late for my shift at Plant’s Corner. Bess, my boss, is an older gal who owns the little nursery and shop. I love
it there, and being her only employee means it’s given us a lot of time to get to know each other.
I rush inside the small green house, scanning the area for where I know Bess usually works. She's off to the right, in the very back by the assortment of fiddle leaf fig trees. She holds a damp wash cloth in one hand and a spray bottle full of water in the other. This is one of her favorite time passers, actually. She sprays down all of the leaves and individually wipes the dust off of each one.
"The leaves, Bess? Again? I swear you just did them the other day," I remind her as I walk up and she immediately startles at my presence. Jumping back with a surprised sound, she realizes it's me and steps back toward the trees.
"You know how important this is. Each little leaf has to work extra hard to absorb the light through the dust. And fiddles are temperamental little plants, very needy and picky in how they grow," she explains, but I've heard it time and time again. I know the logical reasoning by heart.
And I know this brings Bess joy, genuine and true by being in the midst of this green house and taking care of these plants. She doesn't have anyone at home anymore. Her kids have grown and her husband passed away a couple of years ago. This is her life now, and I hate how the shop has been doing so poorly since she lost Dave.
"I brought something for you. I thought maybe it would help with sales." I pull the planter from the bag at my hip. The clay is rough and natural, but splattered with glazes and paints in an assortment of colors. I built the water tray into the base of it, so it can sell as one piece for convenience.
Her eyes fall to my vessel and widen. She lays the cloth and bottle on the work counter before stepping toward me and picking up the planter for herself. Without a word, she twists it around in her hands, examining my work before looking to me again.
"This. This is glorious. You made it, Bloom?" She asks, and I'm afraid to acknowledge the glassy wash her eyes have taken. This wasn't meant to be anything wildly serious, I just want to help where I might be able to.