by Riley, Gia
“So, you’ve passed out before?” Ace asks.
“Yes.”
Hunger pains are the worst kind of pain, even worse than what the razor does to my thigh. At least the cuts form scabs and eventually heal. But being hungry, there’s no cure for that besides eating. And, if you can’t get any food, then you’ll never be full enough to make the aching stop.
The head cook hands Ace a plate of French fries and a burger—the same meal Jasper made me yesterday. There was a ton on the plate yesterday, and there’s even more now. Stuffing myself won’t make me feel any better. I’ve learned it’s better to eat the same amount regardless of how hungry I am. If I eat too much at once, I’ll throw it up, and then I’ll be right back where I started.
Ace nudges Jasper and then hands him the plate. “Go sit with Winnie while she eats.”
“But I’m clocked in,” I tell him.
He shrugs his shoulders and says, “I don’t care. You’re eating on the clock.” Then, he points toward the break room, ending the conversation.
Jasper helps me off the floor and wraps an arm around my shoulders. With the plate in his other hand, he guides me to the table in the break room and sits me down. The burger gets pushed in front of me, and suddenly, I feel like we’re about to argue. His brows are still pinched together, giving him deep enough worry lines to channel an entire year’s worth of anger.
“Stop,” I whisper. “I can’t eat with you upset.”
He brushes his hand over his face and looks as tired as I feel inside. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad that I can’t change your life. That probably sounds stupid, but, Winnie, I swear, I want to pack up all your stuff and get you out of that house. You can’t live there anymore. If not for yourself, you have to move for me.”
Heavy. That’s the only way to describe what Jasper’s asking of me. Moving isn’t as easy as packing my things and getting out of the trailer. There’s so much more involved that he doesn’t understand. What happens when the state comes to check up on Tess, and she has no idea where I am? She’ll get in trouble, and whoever has me will be in trouble, too. That’s not fair to him or his mom or anyone else.
Ace pops his head in the break room and says, “Make sure she gets home okay.”
“Home? I have to finish my shift.”
“You’re going home, Winnie. I’ll pay you a full night’s wage. And please, if you ever come in here and haven’t eaten, I want you to order whatever you want. It’s always on the house, okay?”
I’m in no condition to argue, but being too poor to afford the bare necessities isn’t like me. I’ve never completely run out of food before. Sure, there’s been a time or two when I’ve gotten so low, I’ve had to ration portions, but there’s always been a nibble here and there to keep me going. I did pass out a couple of times, but I was okay. Now, I realize how stupid I was for thinking I had everything under control.
If I plan on going on the road with Trey after graduation, I need to do a better job, or he’ll never let me go with him. I’ll have to tell him about the money Jax and Tess stole—his money. Because, if he gets wind of it from anyone other than me, I’ll be in trouble. He’s only ever expected one thing out of me, and that’s the truth. I want to keep that promise more than I want to devour this burger in front of me. That’s how important my word is. Because, if I don’t have my word, then I’m worthless, a complete failure of a human being.
“Winnie?” Jasper says. His voice is much softer than it was in the kitchen.
“Yeah?”
“Can you try to take a bite?” he says. This time, he sounds nervous, maybe even worried.
I’m not used to people worrying about me.
I pick the burger up with both hands, so I don’t drop it. Before I sink my teeth into the warm bun, I stare at the mound of fries falling off the side of the plate. “Eat some fries, Jasper. I’m sorry.”
When he doesn’t budge, I pick one up for him and hand it across the table. Reluctantly, he takes it from between my fingers and pops it in his mouth.
See, Jasper? That wasn’t so hard.
“You really have no food at home?” he asks.
Pity. Jasper’s done a great job of masking it. Up until now, I thought he was capable of separating our friendship from my home life. But his eyes are dull, and the smile I can’t get enough of is upside down, forming one of the most depressing frowns I’ve ever seen.
“I’m fine, Jasper. I always manage.”
“Winnie,” he says with warning, “don’t lie to me. This isn’t about managing. This is about you having what you need to survive. You have no idea what you looked like when your eyes started rolling into your head. I felt like I was staring at Tess when she was strung out.”
Jasper comparing me to Tess is the equivalent of calling me my worst nightmare. I get up from the table so fast, my chair falls over.
Marching straight to the time clock, I use the wall a couple of times to steady myself. And then I shove my time card into the machine, wait for the stamp, and then stick it back into the rack on the wall. Working here was a mistake. This job got me twisted up with Jasper, and I can’t handle him. I thought I could, but he’s not a friend. He’s more than that. And it’s time to let it go.
Our separation lasts all of three or four minutes, and then Jasper’s running out of The Whip and down the street, chasing after me. I turn around and see him getting closer. I wish I had the strength to run away from him, but all I can do is keep walking at the same pace, doing nothing to increase the gap between us.
When he catches up, he’s barely out of breath. That’s how slow my pace is. He hands me the plastic bag dangling from his finger. I don’t want it.
“Leave me alone, Jasper. I don’t need you.”
The words are a lie that almost burn up my tongue. I need everything about him. Each one of his qualities I want to keep in my pocket and pull out when I’m lonely and by myself. If I add them all up and tuck them close to my heart, maybe they’ll transfer over and give me the strength to keep the razor away from my body.
“You don’t need me, Winnie, but you want me. Try to tell yourself that you don’t. Tell me that you don’t.”
“I don’t,” I whisper.
“I can’t hear you,” he says. “Say it like you mean it. Tell me you’re done with me, and I’ll turn around and never bother you again. Is that what you want?”
“Yes.”
“Say the words!” he yells.
His voice is loud enough that I stop moving. I might even stop breathing. And then I turn toward him.
Where does he get off, yelling at me? I didn’t ask him to follow me around and wedge himself into my life. He did that all on his own, and now, he wants to blame me for walking away. That’s not fair.
I poke my finger in the center of his chest, and he barely budges.
That doesn’t stop me from unleashing my words. “I managed before you came along, Jasper. Two days with me doesn’t make you a damn hero. It makes you a fool. You think you understand my life? You think I’m some project you can fix or some disease you can cure? You can’t. Nobody can. If you have half of a brain underneath that perfectly styled hair of yours, you’ll walk away from me.”
“My hair’s perfect?” he asks.
“That’s what you took away from all that? Your hair?”
He takes a step closer, and that goofy smirk of his is back. “What do you think about my face? And what about the rest of me?”
I regret complimenting him, but the thought of him walking away from me like I asked makes me nauseous. I’m glad he ignored the important parts of what I had to say and focused on something as stupid as his looks. Because I don’t want Jasper to leave me. Not today and not tomorrow either.
Our friendship began forty-eight hours ago. We’re off to a shaky start, yet, other than Trey, he’s the most genuine part of my life. A year from now, we could hate each other, and I’d still look back on these two days and smile. After all I’ve been through,
he’s special enough that I can forget about Tess and Jax and focus on him. For once, I have something worth fighting for, and that thing is Jasper.
“I’m sorry, Jasper.”
He tucks a finger into the waistband of my shorts—nothing sexual—and he just tugs until I’m in his arms, wrapped up in a hug. And then he rests his chin on the top of my head and says, “You’re not Tess. You’re nothing like her. That’s not what I meant.”
“It doesn’t matter. If I’m Tess, then you’re Jax.”
Jasper laughs, and I bounce against his chest. “Thanks, Winnie. You’re so sweet.”
In the span of today, I’ve been frustrated, humiliated, and nearly taken to the hospital. I’d like to climb into a nice warm bed and pretend the day never happened, but then I wouldn’t be standing here, breathing in Jasper’s cologne.
“So, we’re okay again?” I ask him.
“I’m not going anywhere. Unless you can’t stand the sight of me, then I’d say we’re fine.”
I think about it and decide that’s not good enough. “Fine sounds mediocre. We’re more than that.”
“Then, be my girlfriend,” he whispers against my cheek. “Pretend the meal in this bag is champagne and caviar and that I’m taking my queen to our castle to eat it. How does that sound?”
My fairy tale.
Jasper grabs my face and draws his brows together. “You’re getting pale again, Winnie. We need to get home.”
He thinks I’m about to pass out. But he has no idea he just said the most perfect, romantic, idealistic words he could have muttered. My dream is to be the queen of my empire. Now, Jasper’s promising me all those things, and I glance at the sky, wondering if Dad sent Jasper to help take care of me. I always thought that was Trey’s job and only his, but Dad knew I’d been hurting. Being away from Trey and only seeing him for a few minutes here and there wasn’t cutting it anymore.
We walk side by side the rest of the way to the trailer. When we get there, I stand in the driveway, wishing I didn’t have to go inside.
“I’ll be fine.” It’s as much of a pep talk to myself as it is for Jasper.
Chewing on his lip, he’s trying to keep his opinions to himself. They’re bubbling to the surface, and the longer we stand here, the harder it’s going to be for him to stay quiet.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
And then I turn around and leave him. It’s the hardest couple of steps I think I’ve ever taken. And only once I’m inside does Jasper move.
I leave all the lights off like I normally do and pull some pajamas out of the closet. I’m only half-dressed when I hear knuckles rapping against the front door. It’s not the usual pounding I’ve learned to expect from one of the thugs. This is controlled. Polite even. Nobody polite ever comes here.
As quietly as I can, I tiptoe across the living room and peer through the peephole. Jasper’s standing there with the plastic bag in his hand. He holds it up in the air, showing me that I forgot to take it from him.
If I open the door, he’ll try to talk me into leaving. As much as I don’t want to, I wait it out until he sets the bag on the porch and then leaves. Before he reaches the street, he turns around three different times, checking to see if I’ve opened the door.
There’s only one explanation for why Jasper hasn’t given up on me yet. He must be crazy. But, every time I see him, I search for clues about what could be wrong with him. Why does he want to be in my life, and why does he care about me?
If he comes back tomorrow, I promise myself that, no matter how bad it is inside this trailer, I’ll open the door.
Twenty
Winnie
Rolling over, I bury my face in my pillow. The flannel pillowcase I expect to nuzzle into isn’t soft. It’s not remotely close to cotton. The roughness is more like putrid burlap, and the twine feels like sandpaper being rubbed against the cuts on my cheek.
“The bells,” I whisper as a warm hand grips the base of my neck.
The bells dangle between his fingers, and then he jingles it back and forth. His nails are filthy, like he soaked them in motor oil. “These bells won’t keep you safe anymore, Winnie. It’s mine now. You’re mine.”
“What do you want, Jax?”
He’s wearing the same clothes he always does—a worn pair of jeans and a faded T-shirt with his motorcycle club logo in the middle. The burlap I thought I felt is his jeans, and the awful smell is the alcohol on his breath.
I try to kick him away, but my legs are stuck underneath the blankets, and all I make contact with is the empty takeout container sitting on the end of the bed. Before I fell asleep, I ate every crumb in the box, and then exhaustion took over.
I’m always so careful before I fall asleep, making sure every one of my nighttime checks is complete. I double-checked the lock on the front door, and then I closed my bedroom curtains. But Jax probably has a key now, and it doesn’t matter how many locks are between the two of us; he’d still find a way to get to me.
“What do you want, Jax?”
“You kicked me after I pried Tess off of you. I told you that you’d pay. I’m here to collect.”
“You took all my money. I have nothing left to give you.”
He drops the bells on the floor and smirks. “You have something even better than money, Winnie.”
My bottom lip trembles, and as afraid as I am, I still say, “No.”
His manic laughter fills the room, and before he has a chance to make a move, I try to come up with a way to get him away from me. All I have left are lies though, and getting him to believe one of them won’t be easy. But Jax is wasted, and my best bet is to give him the second-best thing.
“There’s more money underneath this bed. If you let me up, I’ll show you where it is.”
To get to it, he’ll have to flip the mattress off the frame, and then I’ll run. He considers the cash, and I pray he’s figuring out how to get it. If he were sober, he’d call my bluff. I’m sure of it.
“I’ll take your money. And then I’ll take you.”
He expects me to be scared, so instead of crying like I want to, I smile.
“Whatever you want, Jax,” I tell him.
“You’re so much prettier than that mom of yours,” he says. “She’s batshit crazy, you know. She talks about killing you in your sleep.”
“Tess isn’t my mom,” I remind him.
“That’s right,” he says. “Your mom’s dead.”
Like he knew the perfect way to erase it, the smile slides right off my face. “You don’t know that,” I tell him with a shaky voice.
My confidence dwindles, and I’m about to morph into the scared little girl he thinks I am. All because he said my mother is dead. A woman I’ve never met. Someone who exists only in my mind and sometimes in my dreams.
I’ve always had this fantasy that she’s off in California, clear across the country, working in Hollywood as an actress. But I’ve never seen her in a magazine or on a TV show. It’s like she decided she didn’t want to be a mom or a girlfriend anymore and vanished from the face of the earth. Wherever she ended up, she didn’t want to be found. I just wish I knew why.
“You’re a liar, Jax. A drunk and a liar.”
He grips my neck so hard, my teeth rattle, and little flashes of light explode behind my lids. I imagine all the ways I could hurt him, but I’d lose every battle. I’m no match for Jax, drunk or sober. I couldn’t even hold my own with Tess.
“I know where she’s buried, Winnie. So does your dad. Everyone knows, except you. Even that asshole you’re in love with—Trey.”
“No,” I whisper.
He’s lying, I tell myself. He’s just trying to upset me, so I’ll let my guard down and crumble.
Dad swore to me that he didn’t know where Mom had gone after she left us. Trey didn’t have a clue either. There was a time in my life when I planned on finding her. After I turned eighteen, I’d spend however long it took to find my mom. I figured, even if she didn’t wan
t me in her life, at least I’d have closure. Now that Dad’s gone, I know finding her will be next to impossible. And I can’t walk away from Trey to go out on my own either. Not when he’s the only person I have left.
“Please, Jax. Tell me where my mom is.”
“Carillon is the one place your dad didn’t want you. Why do you think Tess brought you here? It sure wasn’t for the work or this dump you live in.”
“Tell me,” I beg. I have to know.
“What’ll you give me if I tell you, Winnie?”
“Whatever you want.” At this point, I’ll do anything to have the information. Even if it means giving him myself.
“I’m holding you to that,” he whispers. “Because your mom’s buried underneath the trailer, Winnie. She’s right here. Every single night.”
I scream. I scream louder than humanly possible. It’s so loud, Jax lets go of me and covers his ears.
The second scream rips through my throat and has him backing further away from the bed. Now’s my chance to run, but where do I go? Whom do I run to?
My mother is dead.
My father is dead.
Trey isn’t here when I need him.
And the only friend I have will think I’m crazy if I tell him the truth. He’ll leave me. This little piece of information will send him away like everyone else in my life.
My eyes fly open, and I’m lying in my bed, soaking wet. “What happened?”
Trey’s on his knees next to the bed, running his knuckle across my cheek, like Jax just did.
“Don’t,” I whisper.
“Jesus, Winn. You scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t wake you up.”
If it were any other voice, I would panic, but Trey’s tone is always like a warm blanket on a cold night.
“I was dreaming?”
He sets the mop bucket on the floor next to the bed and sits down beside me. “If that’s what you want to call it. It sounded more like torture to me. I heard you outside.”
Bits and pieces come back to me. I try to make sense of Jax being in my room, and all I can come up with is the fight with Tess. His promise to make me pay must have been enough to send my imagination into overdrive. I didn’t realize it earlier today, but I’m afraid of Jax. Terrified actually.