The Wife: We ended up running into a friend of Shannon’s and decided to stay for dinner. Sorry! I’m leaving now. See you soon.
I take a couple of deep breaths, but it almost feels like I’m under water and can’t come up for air.
Death.
It’s haunting me.
Toying with my emotions.
Slumping to the floor, I rest my back against our white couch. I’m too hot, now, and I’m sweating, drenching my black collared shirt. I’m sticking to the couch, but I don’t bother peeling myself off. I’m not giving in tonight. I won’t let the helplessness take over. I refuse to give into that fog.
Time slowly passes by. I can’t say for certain how long I’ve been sitting here with nothing but the ticking of each passing second and the flashing low battery signal on my cell. My eyes feel heavy, but I refuse to let them close.
“Parker?” Aundrea. Her voice is faint, concerned even. “Are you okay?”
There’s a small break in her voice when she says “okay,” which is when I look up to see her standing before me in jeans and a plain white shirt. She took her hair out of the ponytail she was wearing this morning.
“You’re home.” I’m relieved enough to finally allow my eyes to close briefly.
“What’s the matter?” She crouches down to look into my eyes.
I sigh.
Her head drops slightly, her eyes close, and her mouth settles into a straight line.
I’m panting now. My heart is beating a mile a minute, pounding louder as I concentrate on my surroundings.
“Parker.” She steps around me to sit on the couch, pulling me back to rest between her legs.
Her right hand rests on my head and her left curls around my shoulder, embracing me. She doesn’t pay any attention to my soaked clothes. Before I can say anything, she presses her cheek against my hair. Then her lips come down, brushing against my scalp in a tender kiss.
I close my eyes at her touch, and lean back. “You are my end, Aundrea.” I’m trembling. “I can’t … I—I … you.” I pause, licking my lips. “I can’t watch you die anymore. I can’t …” I trail off, my voice barely there.
I wrap my right arm around her knee, holding her in place. I don’t want her to move. I need the closeness.
“I know, shh. I’m right here.” She squeezes me gently.
I feel her slump heavily against me.
“Babe?” My voice cracks. “Help me. Please save me from drowning.”
She squeezes her arms around me. We’re both shaking.
“There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, Parker.”
“I never want to leave your side. Not in life, not after, not even in my dreams. I want you next to me. How do I let that go?”
Aundrea loosens her grip and comes to face me, dropping to her knees.
“Parker, I can’t change the past and I can’t control the future. I can control the present, but I can’t do it without you. I may be your end, but you are my beginning. Every part of you and our child. I’ll do whatever it takes to show you that our life is far from over. We’re just getting started, you me—and, soon, our baby. We’re far from being done. I’m far from gone.”
I take her hand and gently tug her closer. I can see her confidence—that she truly believes her words—and it makes it easier to be comforted. My head is spinning like a carnival ride I can’t get off.
Aundrea takes a deep breath and I prepare myself for her next words. “I’m going to die, Parker. We’re all going to. I am going to leave my loved ones behind, as will you some day. It may not be cancer or my heart, but something will take me away from you one day. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can move forward. I’ve recently had to accept this myself. Amy told me that getting over a fear doesn’t happen overnight, but accepting that fear will let you begin to overcome it.”
“Have you gotten over yours?”
“I’m trying, Parker. Lord knows I’m trying. As much as leaving you or our child behind scares me, I’m doing my best to face it. I’m not sure the fear will ever go away completely. But let me try to help you. Like you said, we’re in it together. This is no different. We’ll confront our fears together.”
I cup her face, brushing her hair behind her ear. “I love the sound of your voice.” My lips meet hers. “Your curves.” I squeeze her hips, pulling her onto my lap. “The freckles on your nose.” I graze her cheek. “And the scars on your innocent skin.” I leave a trail of kisses down her neck. “God, and your smell.” I sigh into the crook of her neck.
“Remember when you told me that we can take on the world together?”
“Yes,” I choke out.
“Well, I believe you. I need you to believe it too. I need you to open your eyes and see what’s in front of you.” She leans back, holding my gaze. “Amy told me once that we need to stay strong. We need to look forward, no matter what, not back. Look forward with me.”
“I’m looking.” I keep looking into her big hazel eyes that are pleading with me.
“I’m here, by your side, and I’m not going anywhere. This is reality, Parker. Not your nightmare. It’s you, me and our baby. I need you to let it go. Let it go and see the light that’s here.”
I don’t cry often. I tend to bottle up my emotions, tuck them away where they never see daylight. But Aundrea’s brought out a side of me I never knew existed. She’s made me a better man—a man capable of conquering any obstacle. I’ve never loved like this. She and I … we were made to love one another.
“You were sent for me. With everything I am, I know there is no love stronger than ours. You need to let go. Let go and fight for us,” she whispers, bringing her lips against mine.
“I am!” I practically yell. I immediately lower my voice, pleading for her to understand. “Aundrea, I fight for you every day. And in that dream … I fight for that one breath of air. One damn breath. If I could only reach you in time to give it to you.” I stop. I can’t finish. All I can see is her cold hand in mine, and all I can hear is the cracking of her ribs as I crush the chest of the woman I love giving her CPR.
My heart pounds. I close my eyes and swallow. Try to force myself not to cry, but my eyes start to burn anyway. Not able to fight it any longer, tears begin to fall and Aundrea wipes them away. “Aundrea, I fight for you every day. To have a life with you. A future. I want to give you everything I can.”
I’m terrified.
Terrified I can’t make all her dreams come true.
Terrified I’ll let her down.
Terrified I’ll lose her.
“And you are. Now I need you to fight that fear. Face it. With me.”
“Is that what you did?”
“What do you mean?”
“By marrying me? By deciding to have a baby?”
She shakes her head. “No, I should have never said those awful things to you at the hospital. Marrying you and having a baby isn’t what scares me. It’s the possibility that the cancer will come back, or my heart will stop. I feel every blood draw I give or body scan I do is a constant reminder of what could be lost. That one day I could be taken away from you or our child, forcing you two to go on without me. That I won’t get to see our little one grow up, or that I won’t get to grow old with you. That’s my fear. But I’m learning to face it. I needed to explore it and accept it because if I didn’t it would control my life. I’m done with outside forces controlling my life, so I’m facing it. I’m looking my fear in the eye. Together, we’ll conquer it all. You’ve never talked me into doing anything. Everything I do is because I want it. I want to be your wife and grow old with you. I want to have a lot of babies with you, Parker Cade Jackson.”
“And how do you propose I face my fear?”
“Accept it. Fear will always be around us, Parker. It’s what we do with that fear that matters. You need to stop running. Show it that it can no longer control you. Once it’s confronted, it will lose its hold on you.”
“Just like that?”
I pull her to my chest, clutching her tightly. “I’m scared, Aundrea. Scared of living without you. Scared of that nightmare becoming reality. I don’t want to end up like Brandon. I’m terrified of finding you one day ... God, I can’t watch it again.”
“Me too.” She sighs into my chest. “Me too.” Her soft fingers rub soothing circles on my back.
She places my right hand on her chest, and my left on my own and covers my hands with hers. I can feel the strong, steady beating of her heart, as if it’s speaking its own language. “Do you feel this?” I nod. I feel it loud and clear. “My heart beats as long as yours does. We’re one, Parker. I’m not going anywhere without you. We’re unbreakable.”
I believe her. With all of me, I believe everything that comes out of her mouth. I’m just not convinced she believes what she’s saying. Not convinced that her fear will dissipate in the face of her words.
“I don’t want to be without you,” I whisper.
“You never will be.”
I run my finger along her cheekbone and across her chin. Her eyes close at my touch. I kiss each closed lid. “You have such a beautiful heart.”
The love I have for her is something I know she’ll never fully understand. The love we have is something most people only wish to experience. She is my present, my future, and my eternity. I won’t let fear wreck what we have.
It’s time I face it.
It’s time I give her that breath.
“I’m home!” I yell excitedly when I get home.
I set my purse down and walk into the empty living room. “Parker?”
I flip on the light in the kitchen. No sign of life.
I didn’t work at the clinic today because, for some reason I have yet to figure out, Genna managed to talk me into helping her pick out and test new recipes today.
Parker said the guys had meetings all day so their schedules were pretty light and it’d be okay to take the day off.
I glance at the clock. Just after four. Parker said he’d be home early, so I can only assume he’s running behind. I don’t have any texts or missed calls.
My feet are cramped from being on them all day. I pull off my shoes and socks and eagerly swap them for my fluffy pink slippers, relaxing the moment my feet sink into softness. I go upstairs to take a quick shower. My shoulders are tense and I’m more than eager to wash away the long day.
Taped on the mirror is a handwritten note from Parker:
Aundrea,
If I’ve planned this correctly, you should have approximately thirty minutes to change and get yourself outside. There will be a limo waiting for you out front that will take you to meet me. I can’t wait to see you.
I love you.
Parker
I stop reading. What is this man up to now? I’m completely confused. I think about what day it is, but can’t come up with any important event we’d be celebrating tonight.
I rip the letter off the mirror, taking it with me, and run over to our closet, all thoughts of relaxing gone. I stare blankly at my closet. How is it I have so many clothes but nothing to wear? I don’t think I have anything in my closet fancy enough for wherever I’d be going in a limo.
Looking back at the letter, I finish reading.
P.S. Don’t stress. You’ll look great in whatever you choose.
P.P.S. If I did not plan this correctly, then you would have seen the limo in our driveway and must be very confused. In that case, hurry your sweet ass up and get back downstairs, as that limo is waiting for you.
*wink*
I drop the note. Genna’s manipulations make sense now. Of course she’d be in on this.
At lightning speed, I shuffle through hangers, deciding on a short, layered, strapless black dress. Feeling the ultra-soft fabric, I smile and slip it on.
I give myself a once over in the mirror. The dress clings to me perfectly and flows over my hips, the bottom layer ending mid-thigh while the sheer top layer hangs just past my knees.
Quickly touching up my make-up and fixing my hair, I spray on perfume so I won’t smell like I’ve been cooking all day.
The ache in my feet disappears as I slip on a pair of black lace flats with square jewels on the toes. I grab my purse, lock the door behind me, and practically skip down the driveway.
True to Parker’s word, there is a black limo waiting at the curb. I carefully walk to a chauffeur who’s dressed in all black, with a fancy hat on his hairless head.
“Good evening, Mrs. Jackson. I’m Craig. I’ll be your driver this evening.”
“Hello.” I give him a shy smile.
Craig opens the door for me and I climb into the back.
“You’ll find a bottle of wine in the chiller and a remote for the radio. Feel free to listen to anything you like. It won’t be a long ride.”
“Are we picking up Parker?”
“No, ma’am. Mr. Jackson will be meeting you at our final destination.” Final destination?
With those words, he rolls up the glass partition.
I pour myself a glass of wine and lean back against the leather cushion. I can’t seem to stop smiling as I text Parker.
Me: What are you up to?
He responds immediately.
Mr. Handsome: Wait until you see.
I shake my head. Parker loves surprises and he enjoys giving them to me any chance he can get.
It’s not long before the limo comes to a stop at . . . Max’s Bar?
“What the?” I mumble.
Craig opens my door and holds out his hand to help me out.
“What are we doing here?”
There’s a small crowd outside smoking and, from the wide eyes and confused looks I’m getting, I assume my entrance is a little extravagant for what’s going on inside.
“Mr. Jackson has asked that I escort you inside.”
Confused, I follow Craig into the bar. The place is pretty packed for an early weekday evening, and music is already blaring.
The hostess greets me.
I start to speak, but Craig says, “This is Mrs. Jackson.”
“Oh, Aundrea!” she says excitedly, bouncing on her heels as if she’s been expecting me all night.
“That’s me,” I reply, nonplussed. I glance around at the crowd, looking for Parker.
“Here, I’m supposed to give this to you.” She hands me a single long-stemmed yellow rose and a folded piece of paper.
I take them from her with a shaky hand. I’m not sure why, but this entire situation has me on edge.
Opening the note, I read:
Aundrea,
My life changed here. It was the night I met the love of my life. You. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully describe what you have done to me, but always know the beginning of us started here.
Parker
I look up to see the hostess smiling widely.
“Is he here?” I ask, scanning the crowd over her shoulder.
She shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry.”
“Mrs. Jackson, if you’ll come with me,” Craig says from behind me.
I follow him back out to the limo. I read the note over and over again as we drive. Soon we come to another stop, the door opens, and Craig holds his hand out for me again.
The building before us is all too familiar. I don’t wait for Craig to open the door; I just jog up the steps of our old apartment building. The night security guard, Neil, is standing there with a huge, happy grin.
“Evening, Mrs. Jackson.”
“Hi Neil.”
He hands me a single yellow rose and a note.
Aundrea,
When you walked out of my life, I was certain I’d never see you again. I can’t explain it, but you exerted this gravitational pull on me (and still do). I craved your attention, needed your touch, and wanted nothing more than to hear your voice again. There was something special about you that ignited a yearning within me. My prayers were answered that night at Jason’s house when we were brought face to face again.
Even though this building is part of our past, it will always be the start our future.
Parker
The butterflies in my stomach are fluttering so strongly I’m almost convinced they’re real.
“Are we going to see him soon?” I ask Craig.
“Soon. One more stop.” He closes the limo door behind me, leaving me to ponder.
After what feels like an eternity, we pull up to Graham Arena—the ice arena where we once went on a date. I don’t wait for Craig to open the door. I jump out of the limo and walk into the building, memories of us ice-skating coming back to me. I’m not sure where I’m going, but I check with the counter first.
“Hello, my name is Aundrea.” I pause, looking for Parker. “I’m looking—”
“For this?” The young man pulls out a note and another yellow rose.
“That.” I nod and take it from him.
Aundrea,
This is where I fell in love with you. I couldn’t take my eyes off you as you skated around the arena, laughing and smiling. I didn’t just see a woman on the ice, I saw the woman I was going to marry. I admire you, Aundrea. Each and every day, I admire the strength you have and your willingness to keep moving forward.
Parker
I’m sobbing before I even finish the note. I never knew the exact moment Parker fell in love with me. They say that when you know, you just know. It turns out Parker knew from the very beginning that we were meant to be together.
I have no idea what is going on. I don’t know why Parker felt the sudden need for these notes, or what he is up to, but I do know I have never felt so much emotion run through me as a result of so few words. I’m blown away by the affection, love, and admiration he feels for me.
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