If Cal and I do get on Jenny Jones, I’m really hoping Jenny springs a surprise guest on us. Like maybe some other woman he’s been sleeping with that I don’t even know about. That would be great! Then the three of us could sit down and work out our differences by screaming at each other in front of millions of people. That’s just the kind of open, loud communication you need in a successful marriage.
I was heartened by the interest I got from The Jenny Jones Show when I contacted them recently. Linda, the assistant producer, said my story would fit very well into the upcoming show, “My Man Won’t Stop Cheating & Beating!” Linda then asked me if I’d discussed appearing on Jenny Jones with Cal. I said no, because he was busy working time-and-a-half at the grain elevator. “That’s great,” she replied. “Just tell Cal that the two of you are going on Jenny Jones because you won the ‘Jenny Jones World’s Greatest Hubby Video Essay Contest.’ He’ll be sure to agree to go on. Then, when Cal comes onstage, everybody will boo him, and we’ll reveal the real reason he’s on the show—because he’s a cheating, beating, lowdown, rotten skunk.”
For a moment, I was confused. “Won’t that just make him angry at me?” I asked. But then Linda reminded me of all the hurt Cal had caused me, and said that if anyone deserved a taste of his own medicine, it was him. Well, I couldn’t disagree with that logic. Besides, if the audience taunted and mocked Cal the way they did the “Over-80 Transvestites” who were on last week, maybe Cal would see the error of his ways and stop fooling around!
“Linda reminded me of all the hurt Cal had caused me, and said that if anyone deserved a taste of his own medicine, it was him. Well, I couldn’t disagree with that logic. Besides, if the audience taunted and mocked Cal the way they did the ‘Over-80 Transvestites’ who were on last week, maybe Cal would see the error of his ways and stop fooling around!”
So, hopefully, you’ll be seeing Cal and me on Jenny Jones real soon. There’s a chance we may get turned down, which would be terribly disappointing. But if that happens, there are other ways to get the marriage counseling we need. Like by going on Jerry Springer. Like Jenny, Jerry always seems to lend a caring, sympathetic ear, and his “Final Thought” is always filled with the sort of solid, time-tested advice that never fails to rub off on guests.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems
HOUSTON—Banker Robert “Rob Boy” Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife, Janet, Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital problems. “Every day, it’s, ‘Oh God, I’m married to someone who doesn’t understand me,’ or, ‘Bob, do you think you could pick up after yourself?’ ” Grelman said. “Don’t get me wrong—I have marriage problems of my own—but I don’t know what she wants me to do about hers.” Grelman added that his children, following their mother’s example, have lately attempted to drag him into their family problems.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Divorced Man Forced To Get Back Down To Dating Weight
SILVER SPRING, MD—Greg Geisinger, a 265-pound Wilmington man whose seven-year marriage ended in divorce earlier this month, must get back down to his dating weight of 190 pounds, he announced Monday. “Oh, man, I have got to lose this weight if I’m gonna be back out there dating again,” said Geisinger, who for years has carried 75 pounds of excess marital flab on his 5’11” frame. “No good-looking single woman is gonna want to go out with a guy who looks like this.” Geisinger said he is eager to remarry so he can gain back the weight he is about to lose.
NEWS
Hatred Of Marriage Counselor Brings Couple Together
TEMPE, AZ—Area couple Tom and Becky Witthauser credited the successful resolution of their ongoing marital conflicts to their mutual hatred of their marriage counselor Monday, describing him as the “jag-off whose prissy, ineffectual demeanor brought us closer than we’ve been in years.”
The Witthausers, married eight years, began visiting Dr. Roger Verbicki, 42, a psychologist and accredited couples counselor, in May after months of strife threatened to end their union. Holding hands and gazing lovingly at each other, they described their first fateful meeting with “the insufferable” Verbicki.
“At the time, we could barely make eye contact,” Tom said. “But about halfway through the first session, we started casting these sideways glances, because we just hated this guy. We could both feel it.”
“After our first session, I told Becky, ‘That guy is so unlikeable, like the way he asked us to call him Dr. Roger,’ ” Tom said.
“And I said I hated him too!” Becky said, finishing Tom’s sentence. “He was such a putz, like he’s Dr. Phil or something. Our buddy. Gonna help us through this. What a loser.”
The Witthausers said they can barely maintain their composure during their weekly meetings, due to Verbicki’s various mannerisms and affectations. His nasal voice, sallow complexion, stained teeth, elbow-patched corduroy blazers, and affinity for herbal tea are among the traits cited by the Witthausers. Singled out for particular ridicule was Verbicki’s tendency to rest his face against his thumb and index finger and scratch his lower lip.
The Witthausers enjoy a newfound closeness, thanks to their hatred of therapist Roger Verbicki.
Therapist Roger Verbicki.
“I just want to beat the guy up,” Tom said.
“And I’ve really learned to appreciate Tom for that,” Becky said.
Tom demonstrated his imitation of Dr. Verbicki, which Becky described as “adorably mean.”
“Well, if done in the proper manner, I think it would be very beneficial,” said Tom, lampooning Verbicki’s frequent use of the phrase “if done in the proper manner” and mispronunciation of the word “beneficial.”
The couple laughed and embraced each other.
The Witthausers reported that they started communicating with each other soon after their therapy sessions began, if only to express their revulsion toward their counselor. By spending time together to complain about Verbicki’s habits, the couple’s romance was rekindled.
“We spent hours walking beside the lake, or drinking wine and listening to music, holding hands, and complaining about the way Dr. Roger’s mouth hangs open, or how he taps his knees every time he gets up out of his chair,” Becky said, adding that the mutual sentiments helped the couple realize how much they still enjoyed each other’s company and how indispensable they were to each other.
“ ‘We spent hours walking beside the lake, or drinking wine and listening to music, holding hands, and complaining about the way Dr. Roger’s mouth hangs open, or how he taps his knees every time he gets up out of the chair.’ ”
“I can’t imagine trashing Dr. Roger with any other person, really,” Tom said.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Same Jumbotron Used For Marriage Proposal Used To Ask For Divorce
CLEVELAND—Seven years after using the giant television screen to propose marriage, Kevin Kalish, 36, used the Sony Jumbotron at Jacobs Field to ask his wife Diane for a divorce Sunday. “DIANE, YOU’RE A WONDERFUL WOMAN AND YOU’VE BEEN VERY GOOD TO ME,” read the message, posted before 22,347 fans during the fifth inning of an Indians–Royals game. “BUT LATELY I’M JUST FEELING TRAPPED AND SMOTHERED BY MARRIED LIFE. DIANE, WILL YOU BE MY EX-WIFE?” The Jumbotron went on to inform Diane that Kevin assumes she will want custody of their two children, and that he has no plans to contest that.
COMMENTARY
My Beloved, Would You Do Me The Honor Of Becoming The Fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard?
by Charles Ballard
My dearest Rachel, we’ve been through so much in the past eight months. We’ve loved together, laughed together, and grown ever closer. You are everything I look for in a new wife: beautiful, intelligent, strong-willed, and creative. I can’t imagine a life without you. So now, down on bended knee, my beloved, I ask you: Will you make me the happiest man alive by doing me the honor of becoming the fourth Mrs. Charles Ballard? I only told you about Veronica and Patrice? Well, I
’m sorry. Janice and I got an annulment after a week, so I usually don’t count her. Please, I was so young. It’s ancient history. But when I look into your eyes, Rachel, I see our future. I see us living a perfect life in the house that I got from Veronica in the settlement. Unless Veronica gets a better lawyer, I have no doubt that you and I will spend many fine years there.
I know you want to raise a family, and I can’t wait for you to meet Travis, Jason, Andrew, Mike, and Charles Jr. The boys are going to love you. And, my darling, as you know, one of the things I value most about our relationship is that we can be honest with each other. That’s why I feel comfortable telling you now that I had a vasectomy when I was 35. Patrice insisted on it.
Yeah, she was nuts.
I can honestly say that these eight months have shown me what true love can be. It doesn’t have to be predictable and boring like Patrice, or contentious and competitive like Veronica. And there is no reason for love to be like try-to-run-you-down-with-a-riding-lawn-mower-because-you-forgot-to-return-a-video Janice, but I’d rather not talk about that. Our love is on a completely different level. You are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, the fourth and final Mrs. Charles Ballard. I mean, I’m really hoping it turns out that way.
“[Love] doesn’t have to be predictable and boring like Patrice, or contentious and competitive like Veronica. And there is no reason for love to be like try-to-run-you-down-with-a-riding-lawn-mower-because-you-forgot-to-return-a-video Janice, but I’d rather not talk about that.”
I want to take you away, my love. Have you ever dreamt of a glorious, two-week honeymoon in the Greek Isles? I’ve heard it’s very beautiful, very romantic, better than Paris. Paris was way too crowded—it’s not as great for honeymooning as everyone says. Oh, and obviously, Vegas is out. Yeesh, Vegas. That was a bust. Seriously, I think the Greek Isles is the way to go. Or we could go somewhere else I’ve never honeymooned before, like Cancun. Why don’t you just think about it?
If you accept my humble offer, I will make you so happy. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you never regret that you married me. It’s much too painful when that happens.
By the way, I know you wanted a big church wedding, but I really can’t get married in a Catholic church again, after Veronica. It’s not so bad, though. You wouldn’t believe how nice a civil ceremony can be if you put some effort into it. And not to keep harping on this, but I really wish you would reconsider a small wedding with close family and a few friends. Take it from me, the big weddings really aren’t worth the hassle and expense.
I just love you so much. Our relationship is so strong—stronger than the other marriages. You complete me in ways my other wives never did. We’re always growing together—which is essential, believe me. By now I kinda have it all down. Yup, I think I’ve seen just about every mistake a wife can make. And I’m better for it! Don’t you see? The path of marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce, marriage and divorce has led me to you, at last. And ending up with you has made the journey worth it.
So, Rachel Montesanto, will you make me the happiest man on earth and become Mrs. Charles Ballard numero quattro?
NEWS IN BRIEF
Elderly couple Dresses Up For Trip To Denny’s
VERO BEACH, FL—Wishing to look nice for their evening out, Vero Beach retirees Abe and Bernice Wanamaker dressed up Monday for dinner at a local Denny’s. “I think I’m going to put on my light-blue slacks before we go,” said Abe, taking off the shorts he’d been wearing all afternoon while sitting in the backyard. “And the brown Hush Puppies.” Bernice chose to wear her good yellow dress, which she had not worn since a March 22 trip to Lums.
NEWS IN PHOTOS
Couple Forgets 70th Wedding Anniversary
The Onion Page 14