by Lauren Algeo
‘We’re just borrowing it.’ He set the radio to a pop music station and poured them both a drink.
He handed Georgie a glass and sat beside her on the bed again. ‘Cheers,’ he toasted her and took a large gulp.
Georgie sipped at her vodka and orange and tried not to grimace at the strong taste. She didn’t want him to think she was an inexperienced child.
They sat on the bed and talked into the afternoon. Georgie found herself relaxing after another glass of vodka. Spence told her a bit more about his life and Georgie shared some of hers, although she purposefully left out Nick.
Spence was from the Midlands originally and had been in and out of foster homes growing up. He had two older sisters and a brother, and their mum hadn’t been able to take care of them properly on her own. She suffered from depression and the stress was too much. He didn’t know his father, who’d left when he was a baby. Spence told her that he’d tried to keep in contact with his siblings but they’d drifted apart and hadn’t spoken in years. Georgie found herself putting a sympathetic hand on his arm.
When Spence kissed her again, it felt completely natural. They lay back on the bed, kissing and pressing up against each other. Spence stroked her hair and trailed his fingers down her back. Georgie felt his hand trying to gain access underneath her dressing gown and she had another stab of fear. Spence was aware that she’d tensed up and he pulled away.
‘Are you ok?’ he whispered.
‘Yes,’ she replied unconvincingly.
‘You’re not… are you a virgin?’
Georgie felt her face flush with embarrassment. She quickly concluded that being a virgin was decidedly better than being a victim of rape and abuse.
‘Yes,’ she mumbled awkwardly.
Spence sat up abruptly and leaned down to the side of the bed. For one awful second, Georgie thought he was getting his shoes to leave, but her panic dissolved when he turned back to her with a small plastic bag in his hands.
The bag contained a lighter and a rolled up cigarette. Spence took them out and lit the cigarette. He inhaled deeply and Georgie caught a whiff of the unusual scent. It smelt different to the ones Nick used to occasionally smoke.
‘What’s that?’ she asked.
‘A joint,’ he replied, taking another lungful in. ‘It’ll help you relax.’
He handed the joint to her and she held it uncomfortably. She’d never even smoked before, let alone tried cannabis. Spence was watching her so she took a drag in a bid to impress him after the virgin talk. The smoke tickled her throat and she stifled a cough. After a few more tries, she got the hang of it and realised that he was right – she did feel more relaxed. The alcohol and joint had taken the edge off her fear and given everything a nice blur.
Spence leaned towards her again and Georgie gave herself to him. She kissed him deeply and breathed in his musky aftershave. This time she didn’t flinch when his hands moved beneath her dressing gown.
The sex wasn’t as bad as she’d expected. He was gentle and attentive, and took things slowly. Near the end, after she’d managed to block all traces of Nick from her mind, Georgie was actually starting to enjoy it.
‘You have a great body, you know,’ Spence told her as they lay entwined afterwards.
Georgie giggled shyly, aware of her nakedness. The weight had long gone so she had a flat stomach but she hated her small breasts. She was still hoping they would grow more, but it gave her a warm glow to think that Spence liked her body.
He came to see her over the next four nights. Georgie went back to begging in the day to try and get some money for food and rent, and Spence came round every evening. They would drink and talk and have sex.
Georgie loved his company and knew that she was falling for him fast – she couldn’t help herself. There was no reason she could think of for the niggling feeling in the pit of her stomach that something about the situation was wrong.
Chapter 11 – 13th December 2007
On the Thursday night, Spence didn’t show up. Georgie waited in her room all evening but he never came. She felt lost without him and paced around anxiously.
When he’d left the night before, he’d told her he would be round at 8pm that day. She was worried that something had happened to him. She was already panicking about money and his disappearing act didn’t help.
She had just over two weeks to find the rent money and she only had a fifth of it so far, and nothing at all to start paying Spence back with. She couldn’t bear the idea of going back to sleeping rough – it was December and the weather would be brutal if she got kicked out at the end of the month. She could end up with hypothermia or worse. She spent a restless night feeling desperate and helpless.
Spence appeared the next day. Georgie opened the front door to see his battered, swollen face.
‘Oh my god!’ She burst into tears of shock. ‘What happened to you?’
Spence walked to her bedroom without saying a word and sat on the bed. Georgie stared in horror at his face. The skin around his left eye was black and puffier than her mum’s had been after Nick had hit her. There was a bruise on his cheek and he had a cut lip.
‘I didn’t want you to see me like this but I couldn’t stay away,’ he slurred through his swollen mouth.
Georgie rushed to sit beside him and gripped his hand tightly. ‘Please, tell me what happened?’ she begged, wiping her eyes.
‘I, uh… I owe some people a bit of money and I’m not paying them back quickly enough,’ he admitted, staring forlornly at their clasped hands. ‘They paid me a little warning visit yesterday.’
‘Oh god.’ Georgie felt sick with guilt. ‘It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have taken that money from you!’
‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘I wanted you safe and off the streets.’
‘But it was money you could have paid those men with.’ Georgie’s mind raced frantically as she tried to come up with a solution. ‘What can I do to help? Are they going to come back? You could hide out here for a while.’
‘They said they’d be back in a few days to collect what’s owed,’ he whispered, ‘but there are no delivery jobs for us at the moment. I’ve been trying to find something else today. There’s nothing you can…’ He paused a beat, as if he’d suddenly thought of an idea then pushed it aside. ‘No, that’s not an option. There’s nothing.’
‘Wait, what’s not an option?’ Georgie cried.
‘No, forget I said anything.’ He shook his head vigorously. ‘I’ll find another way.’
‘Please!’ Tears were threatening to spill down her cheeks again. ‘I’ll do anything to help.’
‘Well… no, it’s too awful,’ Spence started.
‘Go on,’ she pushed.
‘One of the men who collects the deliveries said he liked the look of you.’ He glanced away, ashamed. ‘He told me that he would pay good money to sleep with you.’
Georgie felt as though she’d been punched in the gut. Having sex for money like some cheap prostitute? Was that really the only way to help? She didn’t want anyone else’s hands on her, only Spence’s. What if this man was like Nick?
‘It’s a stupid suggestion, please forget it.’ Spence begged, meeting her gaze again. ‘When they come for me again, I’ll face them like a man.’
He sounded strong but Georgie could see the fear in his bloodshot, blue eyes. This was her fault and the thought of something happening to Spence was far worse than the idea of giving her body to some man for ten minutes.
‘How much will he pay?’ she whispered through dry lips.
‘Georgie, I can’t let you,’ he protested.
‘How much?’ she demanded.
‘Because you’re so young… a hundred quid.’
It was more than she’d thought. Georgie took no time in weighing up the options. If she slept with this man a few times, she could pay Spence back and get next month’s rent together. After that, she could get on with looking for a more permanent way to bring in money. She would get a
real job to keep a stable roof over her head.
‘I’ll do it,’ she said bravely, masking the deep fear she felt inside.
She had blocked out what Nick was doing to her all those times at home, she would be able to shut out this other man too. Take her mind somewhere better while he had full reign of her body.
‘Thank you.’ Spence exhaled loudly in relief. ‘It’s the last thing I want, trust me, but I can’t think of another option.’
He kissed her gently with his sore mouth and Georgie snuggled into his warm, safe body. It really was the only way.
Chapter 12 – 19th January 2008
Georgie sat slumped in the shop doorway and tried not to vomit. Her head was pounding and the bright winter sun hurt her eyes. Her mouth felt like it was full of cotton wool but she didn’t have the energy to get herself a drink.
She had a cup placed in front of her shivering body but it was empty – no one was taking pity on her that day and she knew why. She looked like a drug addict. Spence had told her that it would help, that she could distance herself from what was happening, but the buzz never lasted. This come down was a particularly bad one.
A woman and her daughter walked past and the little girl stopped to look at Georgie. She was about six years old and she studied her curiously with big, blue eyes.
‘Mummy, what’s wrong with that lady?’ she asked, tugging at her mum’s hand.
The woman glanced briefly at Georgie and ushered her daughter away quickly. Georgie stared after them with a feeling of deep shame. The look in the woman’s eyes had been unbearable – pity, disgust and worry all in one, as if Georgie would have tried to corrupt her child. It wasn’t true; she wasn’t a drug addict… not yet anyway.
Spence had slipped a small pill into her hand the first time she had met the delivery man for sex. He’d told her to take it and she’d been too scared to question him. She found out afterwards that it had been ecstasy and she’d had a crazy trip.
She hadn’t enjoyed it but it had distracted her from what was happening with the balding, middle-aged man on top of her and she barely remembered the feel of his rough hands pawing at her. She’d still felt dirty at the end and refused to acknowledge his name. All she was sure of was that she had made £100 from an unpleasant half an hour.
Spence had given her other drugs to try the next few times she had sex with the man. Cocaine was her favourite one – she liked the way it made her feel. She would snort a couple of lines before Spence took her to the waiting man and it would give her a sense of invincibility. The come down would make her feel crap all the next day though.
It took her a few weeks to realise that pimping her out had been Spence’s goal all along. She’d thought she was falling in love with him but really she’d been falling gullibly into his plans.
The realisation hurt more than she would ever admit. She’d seen Lila in the house late one night when she’d gone to get a glass of water. She was leading a man into her bedroom and Georgie instantly recognised him as one of the other delivery guys Spence knew. She’d cornered Lila in the kitchen the next morning and demanded to know what was going on. Hearing the truth had been worse than her mind had imagined during the restless night since she’d seen them.
All the girls in the house worked for Spence. It was his house. They had sex with whoever he lined up for them and they got drugs and a roof over their heads in return. They even trawled the streets looking for men and gave him the money afterwards. It was why Georgie had never really seen them – they worked nights and spent most of the day sleeping or coming down. The drugs were how Spence controlled them. They were hooked and he knew they would never leave their supplier.
Georgie had cried quietly as Lila told her everything but there was no emotion on the other girl’s face. She had naively thought that Lila was just shy but in reality she was spaced out and detached from everything.
She’d fled to her bedroom and sobbed until her whole body ached. Spence didn’t love her at all; he’d been using her. His kindness was all a lie – he’d just wanted to get her into the house so he could turn her into one of the other girls. Her age had been the main draw for him. She wasn’t a prostitute, she couldn’t be. She’d escaped from home for a better life, not that. She would leave.
Georgie packed her clothes into a bag and stood by the bedroom door, only she couldn’t walk through it. She had nowhere else to go and no money. It was too cold to sleep outside and she wouldn’t be able to buy any food. The house wasn’t much but it had everything she needed.
After a while, Georgie found herself putting her clothes back into the drawer. She was strong and she knew what she could endure. If she went along with this for a few months, she could save as much money as possible. Hiding some away from Spence. She would leave at the end of spring so it didn’t matter if she had to spend a few weeks outside. Job prospects would be better over the summer and she could even travel to the coast to find work at a busy seaside. She would stick it out for a little while to better herself.
Now, two weeks later, she was somehow sitting in a doorway. She hadn’t intended to take any more cocaine but she’d found she needed it. Spence had lined up several new men for her to have sex with and she hadn’t wanted to face it sober.
Seeing him again after Lila’s revelations had broken her heart but she hadn’t shown him that. She’d kept her face hard and her emotions in check. She’d told him that she knew everything and was willing to stay, but he would never lay a hand on her again. Their relationship was over and he would only see her professionally.
The stunned expression on Spence’s face had been satisfying to see but it did nothing to fill the deep hole in her heart. He’d almost looked upset but Georgie’s resolve didn’t waver – she had made her plan and she would see it through.
Georgie thought of the pity in the little girl’s eyes and her words repeated in her mind. ‘What’s wrong with that lady?’
What was wrong with her? Drugs and sex and shame – her dad would have been so disappointed in her. He would hate what she was turning in to. The sex was an unfortunate necessity, but she couldn’t be a drug addict too.
Georgie made a vow to herself that she would never take drugs again – no matter how bad things were. Even though she’d lost control of her body, not losing control of her mind was one dignity she could cling to.
She had a small amount of cash in her pocket and she dragged her aching body to the nearest tattoo parlour to cement her promise. She needed her dad to watch over her to make sure she never broke it.
She had a small, scriptive ‘G’ inked onto the inside of her left wrist. For Gary, and herself. If she ever felt tempted to take anything again, she could look at the G and be reminded that she was strong enough to resist.
Georgie left the shop and clasped her right hand tightly around her bandaged wrist then lifted it gently to her pursed lips. ‘I’m so sorry, dad.’
Chapter 13 – 16th September 2011
Georgie wriggled out from beneath the fat, panting man and pulled her skirt down from where it had bunched around her waist.
‘Do you want a drink?’ the man wheezed.
Georgie shook her head. She just wanted to take her money and leave.
‘See, I told you you’re a whore,’ the cruel voice in her mind whispered.
Georgie shook her head again, more vigorously, to try and get rid of it. It had started last night and she couldn’t make it stop.
She’d been wandering around Clapham, on a brief hiatus from her life, when she’d heard it first. A deep, intrusive voice that wasn’t her own internal one. It was male and had reminded her of Nick’s voice initially although she knew it wasn’t.
‘You’re disgusting,’ it had whispered. ‘What you do is filthy.’
She couldn’t argue – it was true. She was eighteen years old and she had been working as a prostitute for years. She was dirty and disgusting – the voice was right. She still lived in the same room at the house and worked for Spe
nce. The other girls had changed over the years – some had left, others had overdosed – but she’d remained.
She was fairly unreliable and often disappeared for days at a time but Spence always took her back – she was too valuable. She usually went to other areas in the city on her trips and slept rough, just to get away from everything for a short while. Spence would give her a beating when she returned but she knew he would never kick her out. The same way he knew that she would always come back.
Men always wanted Georgie – or ‘Jewel’ as she called herself in an effort to keep her distance from what she did. She still had a youthful, innocent look, whereas most of the other girls were ravaged by drug addiction. The men paid more for a girl they knew wasn’t out of her head.
Georgie normally didn’t have sex on her trips away; she needed the break. She’d been gone from the house for two days when she’d picked up the man outside a bar in Clapham last night, in a bid to stop the voice. If it was saying she was all of those things then maybe it would leave if she agreed that she was.
The man had taken her back to his flat and let her stay there for the night, although they hadn’t slept much. He’d made sure he got his money’s worth. Georgie waited while he got dressed then he handed her a rolled up wad of ten pound notes. She put the money into her small black bag without counting it; she didn’t care how much was there.
‘Make sure you get yourself some breakfast with that,’ the man whose name she couldn’t remember told her.
‘Ok,’ she murmured, not really listening.
She knew she should eat but she wasn’t hungry – years of her lifestyle had made her extremely thin, as she never had much of an appetite or budget. She wasn’t tired either, despite not getting much sleep. The only thing she could focus on was the voice.
She left the man’s flat and wandered along the road, not noticing how cold it was. She was wearing a thin, white vest top and had bare legs under her short denim skirt but she didn’t feel the chill in the air. She was too busy listening to the voice. It was louder now and full of disdain.