“Hmmm, in that case I’ll definitely have to check it out.” He wrote all of his personal contact information on the back of a card. “I want Dustin to contact me when he’s ready. By phone, text, email, whatever works for him. When he’s ready to talk, I want to come back, but I don’t want to push him. Just let him know that I do want to have a relationship with him, but I’m willin’ to let him set the pace.”
Carol stood, walking D.J. to the door. “Thank you for being so understanding about this. I know a lot of men would have been livid, threatening to get lawyers involved.”
“I want to believe we can work this out without gettin’ the suits into it,” D.J. said, reaching for her. “I guess I’ll be seein’ you again soon, Carol. Call me if you need anything. If I haven’t heard from you in a week or two, I’ll call you.”
***
Connor was spending the night in the hospital because his doctor wanted to perform some tests to evaluate how he was responding to the treatment, which meant Josie had the house all to herself. Normally, she would have revelled in the silence. But not tonight. She didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts right now.
The doorbell rang and she hoped it was one of her friends stopping by to check on her. They all knew it was over between her and D.J. and they were worried. She told them she was fine, but she’d said that before, so they knew better than to believe it.
She was stunned when she opened the door to find D.J. standing on her porch, cowboy hat in hand as the rain pelted him. Damn. He looked so sexy, especially with his tight clothes plastered to his muscular body like a second skin and his dark hair pushed back off his face, his long lashes dotted with water.
“I have nothing to say to you,” Josie said, trying to close the door.
He flattened his palm against the door, stepping inside before she could slam it in his face. “I’m not gonna let you do this.” He crowded her against the wall, pinning her with his wet body as he moistened her thin cotton tank top. “I know I was an ass for cuttin’ you off like that and I’m sorry as hell, but you’re not done with me, not by a long shot.”
Before she could protest, he was kissing her hungrily, his large hands enclosing her face as his tongue invaded her mouth.
“I am done with you,” she said, trying to push him away. It was pointless. Moving him was like trying to relocate a brick wall.
“Damn it, it’s not what you think, Jos. I didn’t cheat on you. I would never do that.”
She wanted to believe him, but she’d heard Bryan say the same thing countless times. She’d believed him once, twice, three times. She was determined to be smarter this time around. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Well hear this,” he said, threading his hands through her hair. “I love you and I’m not gonna stop lovin’ you. No. Matter. What. You can try pushin’ me away. You can tell me you don’t want me. But that’s not gonna stop me from wantin’ you.”
He sounded so confident, so sure of himself and them, but of course that’s what he would want her to believe. “You need to leave now.”
“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.”
Oh no. She was afraid it would come to this. D.J. wasn’t the kind of man to go quietly.
“You can’t do it,” he said, his dark eyes sparkling with triumph. “You can’t do it because you do love me. You need me just as much as I need you.”
“I don’t need anyone.” The words sounded hollow, much like the feeling in the pit of her stomach since he’d hung up on her.
“You didn’t need him, but you do need me. Just admit it.”
Josie knew he was talking about her ex-husband, and he was right. She already needed D.J. more than she’d ever needed Bryan, which the reason she was cutting all ties now, before she’d passed the point of no return. “I’m not admitting anything to you. Just like you refused to admit the truth to me. I know you were with someone else in Macon, D.J.”
“You’re right, I was,” he said, pushing off the wall as he ran a trembling hand through his wet hair. “It was my ex-girlfriend, Carol.”
Even though she’d been telling herself it was probably an old flame, it hurt to hear she was right. She didn’t want to be right. Not this time. “Get out.”
“Not until you let me finish.” He toed off his wet boots and walked into her living room, giving her no choice but to follow. “I was with Carol last night, but all we did was talk. I swear to you.”
She wanted to ask why he was home today, instead of staying on in Macon as planned. But she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing she still cared. He could weave his story, but that didn’t mean she had to believe him. She would listen, just to shut him up. Then she would kick his sorry ass out.
“Your houseguest not here?” he asked, gesturing to the staircase.
“He’s at the hospital, having some tests.”
“Is he doin’ okay?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because I don’t want him here with you anymore,” he admitted. “The sooner he gets better the sooner he’ll be on his way.”
“It’s none of your business who I have staying with me.”
He glared at her. “Josie, make no mistake. You’re still mine.”
The burning intensity in his eyes made her question whether he was naïve enough to believe she would get past his infidelity. If so, he was clearly delusional. “Just because you say it doesn’t make it so,” she said, folding her arms over her chest.
It was a damp, crisp night and it felt like he brought the cold in with him as she wrapped her arms around her body to ward off the chill. She watched, annoyed as he grabbed the igniter off the mantle and began to build a fire with the competence of a Boy Scout, which she was certain he’d never been.
He shouldn’t be so competent at everything. It wasn’t fair. Watching the muscles in his back bunch and flex as he worked was seriously hot and when he stood and peeled his wet shirt off, her mouth was the only thing dry.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she asked, sounding breathless.
“My clothes are wet,” he said, his voice husky as he reached for his belt buckle. “You wouldn’t want me to get pneumonia now, would you?”
She knew he enjoyed teasing her, but she refused to play into his hands this time. “Keep the jeans on. I’m warning you, if they come off, I’m throwing them and you out the door.”
“Fine,” he said, sighing heavily. “But if I get sick, you have to come over and nurse me back to health.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” she demanded, feeling the weariness edging out her irritation. She wanted to be mad at him. She wanted to hate him, but with his six-pack on full display, she had a hard time remembering why she hated him. Then it hit her. Carol. “I don’t share. If my man wants another woman, he can’t have me.”
“I like that you still think of me as your man,” he said, flashing the same heart-stopping grin she’d seen on his album cover.
“But you’re not.” She tried, valiantly, to maintain a strong and steady voice, but it faltered, giving away her anguish. “You never were.”
“That’s a lie and you know it,” he said, taking a tentative step closer. “You had me the first time I laid eyes on you.”
Her heart ached when he said those things to her, mainly because she wanted so much to believe it was true. “Don’t do this.” She squeezed her eyes shut, praying he would show her some mercy when he realized what this was doing to her. “Please. Just go. Just leave me alone.”
“I can’t do that,” he said, walking the last few steps until he was standing in front of her. He reached for her hand, resting it on his chest, over his heart. “You know why?”
She didn’t respond, she couldn’t. At least not when her hand was resting on his warm skin.
“Because I don’t think I can do this without you.”
She sucked in a sharp breath, trying to find a lie lurking in his eyes, but as hard as she looked, she only saw
truth, honesty, and raw pain. “Do what?”
“Jos, my whole life changed while I was in Macon. Nothin’ will ever be the same again, and you know what I kept thinkin’ all the way home? I don’t think I can do this without you. I need you to help me figure this thing out. It may sound selfish, but I can’t help it.”
“What are you talking about? What happened?” She was pretty sure she didn’t want to know, but she knew if she let him leave without hearing the truth she would always wonder what he might have said and whether it would have changed anything between them.
“Carol told me I have a son.”
She stared at him, stunned, as she tried to pull her hand away. But he wouldn’t let her. He closed his hand over hers, forcing her to bear witness to his racing heart.
“I’m scared, Jos. Scared of being a father, scared of screwin’ up, but more than anything, I’m afraid this will ruin us, if it hasn’t already.”
“How old?” she whispered, trying to process the news that he was a father. “How old is your son?”
“Fifteen, almost sixteen.” He closed his eyes, presumably to regain his composure, when he said, “I just found out about him last night. Carol and I dated in high school. She went off to spend the summer with her aunt and uncle and decided to stay there. Now I know why. She was pregnant with Dustin at the time and she didn’t want me to know about him.”
“Dustin? She named him after you?” Josie didn’t know why that bit of knowledge cut so deep. Perhaps because she’d been harboring the hope that someday they would marry and she would give him a son, a namesake. Now some faceless woman from his past had robbed her of that chance.
“Yes.” He held her hands, bringing them to his lips. “I know this is a hell of a lot to lay on you, but I needed you to know. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, baby. I shouldn’t have lashed out like that on the phone. It’s just that I was about to meet Dustin for the first time and I guess I was on edge.”
“Anyone would be.” She lowered her head, thinking about the child she’d lost. He would have been the same age as D.J.’s son. “You need to be a father to him. You know that, don’t you?”
“I want to,” he said, leading her over to the couch. He sat down beside her, pulling the throw around her when she started shaking. “I’m not sure how long it’ll be before he lets me though. He’s pretty angry. At me. His mama. Hell, the whole world.”
“He’s a teenager,” Josie said, trying to ward off the chill that seemed to be permeating her skin and seeping into her bones. “He’s supposed to be mad at the world. It’s a rite of passage.”
D.J. moved in closer, wrapping his arms around her. “Baby, you’re shiverin’. Are you okay?”
Her teeth were chattering so fiercely she couldn’t respond.
“I’m gonna go draw you a hot bath. No arguments.”
She might have argued if she could have, but she couldn’t force a word past her trembling lips.
***
D.J.’s hand shook as he poured lavender scented bubble bath into the soaker tub. Josie’s reaction was so unexpected. It scared him. She wasn’t herself. Her eyes were vacant. All traces of anger and resentment gone. It felt like her spirit vacated her body and she’d surrendered. But he didn’t want her to give up. Not on them. He needed her to fight as hard as he was willing to fight.
He walked into the bedroom, where she was sitting on the edge of the bed, still wrapped in a throw. She was rocking back and forth, soundless tears streaking her cheeks. He’d never seen someone look so lost.
“Baby,” he said, kneeling on the floor in front of her. “What is it? You gotta tell me what’s wrong. Please.” He was desperate for answers. He needed to fix this. Somehow.
“My baby,” she whispered. “My baby.”
He should have known this would bring up some painful memories for her. How could it not? His own son was the same age hers would have been had he survived. “I’m so sorry for doin’ this to you, sweetheart,” he murmured, drawing her into his arms. “I never meant to hurt you.” But he should have known. He should have been more sensitive to her feelings.
“I’m cold,” she said, burrowing deep into the blanket. “So cold.”
“Let me help you get into the bath.” He peeled her clothes off slowly, silently condemning himself for reacting to the sight of her naked body. Only a predator would think about taking advantage of her in this state. “You take all the time you need,” he said, helping her into the bath. “I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get out.”
He’d lit candles around the room and plugged her iPod into the docking station, letting the soft music filter through the room.
“Will you get in with me?” she asked, slipping under the bubbles.
“Of course, baby,” he said, stripping his damp jeans off. “Whatever you need.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, her head on his chest before she said, “I had a breakdown when I lost Trevor,” she said, her voice barely audible. “I was in the hospital for almost two months over summer vacation. Not many people knew I was pregnant. I didn’t gain a lot of weight, so I was able to go back to school like nothing happened.”
D.J. tried to steady his breathing. He knew she just needed someone to listen, someone to help carry her burden. But it was so hard. He just wanted to fix things for her, to take her pain away, but he knew her fate had been sealed the day her son was taken from her. She would never forget him, just as her life would never be the same without him.
“But I wasn’t the same person, D.J.” She laced her fingers with his. “The previous school year I’d been a self-absorbed kid. My biggest concern was whether I’d make the cheerleading squad. When I went back, I was a woman. A mother who’d lost her child. But no one knew that. My parents didn’t want me to share my secret, nor did Bryan. They were all ashamed. They were ashamed of that beautiful baby.”
He held her as she sobbed, the fury bubbling up inside of her when he thought of the people who’d treated her so callously. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
“You wanna know the worst part?” she said, when the tears subsided. “There’s nothing to mark his grave. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, he never existed.”
“We can fix that,” D.J. said, grateful there was still something he could do to give her a modicum of peace. “We can choose anything you want to mark his grave, baby. I’ll go out there with you. We’ll do it together.”
“I’d like that,” she said, letting the air seep slowly through her lips. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted when you told me about Dustin. I’ve just been burying these feelings for so long and I guess they all rose to the surface tonight when you told me you have a son the same age Trevor would have been.”
“I can only imagine how you must feel,” he said, tightening his grip on her. “If this is something I need to deal with on my own, if you’re not ready to meet him—”
“Of course I want to meet him.” She tilted her head back to look at him. “He’s a part of you. How could I not want to meet him?”
In spite of the challenges that lay ahead, for both of them, her words gave him hope they would be okay. “Thank you for sayin’ that, sweetheart. You have no idea how much I needed your reassurance tonight.” He didn’t want to press, but he wanted to know more about what she’d gone through when she lost Trevor, so he could understand her better. “You said you had a breakdown after you lost your baby. Do you want to talk about it?”
“It was just such a shock,” she said, gripping his forearm. “I was terrified of raising a baby, but I never expected to lose him. Then after it happened, I began to think it was my fault, that my negative thoughts sealed his fate. I blamed myself.”
“You had to know it wasn’t your fault, Jos.”
She continued, as though she hadn’t heard him. “I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was losing weight. I refused to talk to anyone. My parents were afraid I’d try to hurt myself so t
hey admitted me to the hospital.”
“Maybe that was for the best?”
“It was,” she said, nodding slowly. “It didn’t feel like it at the time. I was too hurt and angry to realize they were only trying to do what they thought was best for me. And it turns out being in that hospital was the best thing for me. I was able to talk to professionals who helped me through my grief and I joined a support group who’d been through the same thing I had. It felt good to know I wasn’t the only one.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the soft melody of a Brantley Gilbert song she’d once told him she loved, watching the candlelight cast shadows on the creamy wall, each of them lost in their own thoughts about the past and how the collision of their collective pasts could derail their future.
“Tell me about Dustin,” she said, finally.
“I wish I could,” he said, thinking about the young man he’d met that day. “I don’t know a lot about him myself.”
“Tell me what you do know.”
“He plays football, just like I did. He was a good student until recently.” D.J. knew it was foolish for him to feel a sense of pride when he talked about his son. He’d done nothing to contribute to Dustin’s accomplishments, but he still couldn’t quash the feeling. “He’s givin’ Carol a hard time right now, challengin’ her, askin’ all kinds of questions about his old man.”
“So that’s why she decided to introduce you two now. I guess that makes sense. What I don’t understand is why she waited so long.”
“I asked her that too,” he said, smoothing Josie’s damp hair off her face. It felt so good just to hold her again, to talk to her about this issue and get her feedback. “I think she was scared. Her aunt and uncle offered to help her raise the baby so she could finish school and she decided to take them up on it. That’s why she stayed on in Oklahoma. I guess she figured if I knew about Dustin, I’d demand visitation, maybe even fight her for custody. One thing’s for sure. Carol loves our son. She didn’t want to lose him.”
Jaded (Music City Moguls Book 5) Page 18