Dear Dad,
Please don’t be upset with me. I had to leave abruptly like this, or Ray would’ve talked me out of it. I realized today that although I’m ready to move on, there is still a lot that I need closure on.
You see, I was married to the most incredible man. He was my whole world. That world came crashing down when I lost him. I know I don’t have to explain the severity of my grief to you. You’ve had front-row seats to it. But a part of me has never let go of the denial phase of grief. There was no proper goodbye to be said. No body to bury. All I had to show for his death were his things as he left them, like he was coming back. So there’s a lot I didn’t do and/or face because a part of me always felt that if I just left it as it is ... he would come back. I guess a part of me thought, for seven years, that he’s been on a deserted island somewhere trying to get back to us. You know, like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
Well, I’m ready to accept that this is no longer true. To do this, I must face all of the things I ran from. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to give your son everything he needs. He shouldn’t have to feel that he’s competing with a ghost. I don’t want my memories and love for Grayson to overshadow my life with Ray. It has for far too long.
In saying all of this, I must tell you how blessed and thankful I feel every day to have your son’s unconditional love. He’s the most amazing, talented, thoughtful, funny, intelligent—
Dad puts the letter down, “You’re an asshole!” he says.
“Oh, did she forget that one, Dad?” I chuckle.
“Humph,” he says, and starts reading again.
—handsome, and loving guy I’ve met since Grayson. I’m so very much in love with him. I promise to always, from this day on, take care of him and his heart. He is my forever.
Okay, done with the mushy stuff! Now on to business! While being mushy, I forgot to mention stubborn and impossible, to put it nicely. This is where you come in! I need your help getting through to your son! As you can see, I’ve enclosed a blank check to Ray’s firm. As you may or may not know, Ray and I had a bit of an argument over the renovations at the inn. His pride got in the way. Surprise, surprise!
Dad shoots me a look. I shrug.
I know where his heart is, and I truly love him for it, but he’s being an idiot! I need him to realize that he is taking care of me by accepting the money for the renovations. By pushing his pride aside for a minute, he will help me bring in revenue that will no doubt triple the amount that was put into the renovations in the first place! He will essentially earn my business a lot of money, therefore, he’ll be providing for me. Please help him see this! It’s a win-win! We’re supposed to lean on each other. He won’t let me take care of him. We’ve always been a team when it comes to the girls, and we need to step it up. Our lives are going to be cemented together, our family made bigger. This shouldn’t be about what he’s bringing to the table, but what we’re both bringing and how we can blend it together to help make our life together good, and keep it that way.
I’m rambling. Sorry. I think you know where I’m coming from. Please help Ray see it, too.
Please take care of him and Annie while I’m gone. Please tell him how much I love him and that I’m doing this for us. Make sure he doesn’t follow me out there. I need this time to grieve and let go. Talk soon!
Love Always,
Becca
I take the letter from him. I can vaguely smell the scent of her lotion on it.
“How much am I writing this check for, son?” Dad asks me. I inhale deeply and blow it out through pursed lips, feeling defeated. Christ, that woman could convince a duck it’s a lion!
“I don’t know what her budget is, Dad. Ask her what it is and write it out.” I stand up and grab Annie’s hand. “C’mon, let’s go home, baby.”
“So, you’re going to do it then? No more arguments?” he asks.
“Dad, I just got a rude awakening.” I point to the window where her plane was. “Sure, it wasn’t what I thought it was, but it was still a wake-up call. She’s the love of my life. She gets what she wants, whatever she wants. So long as I never again have to feel the way I felt about thirty minutes ago.” I sigh, and Dad gives my back a good slap. A dad’s code for saying he’s proud of you.
“I just don’t understand why she wrote you a letter, Artie, instead of me. Becca and I have always been real close.” Mama does nothing to hide her disappointment.
“Oh, Mama, Becca needed to get through to me, and she just felt Daddy was right for the job this time. Some things need a man’s touch instead of a woman’s.” I hang my arm around her shoulders and hug her to me as we walk.
“He called you an asshole, Ray!” she states like I’m crazy.
“Yep. Man’s touch, Mama.” I chuckle. She pushes imaginary nonsense away with her hands.
Once we get into the truck, I grab my phone to text Becca for about the hundredth time. My screen lights up with a message from her. I read it and kiss the screen.
December 30, 2012 5:15 p.m.
Me: Safe flight. Safe journey. Safe home. You are my world. I love you, Becs. Like a love song, baby. And I keep hitting repeat…peat…peat.peat.peat. peat. ;-p
Pretty sure she’ll laugh when she reads that. I put the phone down and start the truck up.
It’s five past nine. For the past twenty minutes, I’ve been pacing and staring at my phone at a rate that even I’m finding annoying. Her plane landed ten minutes ago!
“Ugh!” I sigh and sit back down. A smile comes across my face as I stare at her gift on the coffee table. It’s the oddest thing I’ve ever seen, yet it’s so perfect. It’s a statue of bare baby feet that go as high as a little bit above the ankles, made out of white porcelain. Becca has always had this amazing talent of finding the most unique and personal gifts. On the other hand, her talent is the reason shopping with her is a fucking nightmare! I jump at the sound of my phone pinging.
December 30, 2012 9:15 p.m.
Becca: Yikes! 38-year-old man reciting Selena Gomez ... little creepy, babe!
Me: Uh ... porcelain baby feet cut off from the rest of the body ... a bit creepier, Becs!
Love the sentiment though, baby! Thank you!
Becca: I knew you were going to make a damn comment about that instead of just seeing
the message! LOL.
Me: Please, I want to hear your voice. Miss you, baby! :(
Becca: I’ll call u when I’m in the car. Miss u too! I’m sorry, Ray.
Me: OK.
I throw my phone down and decide to get a beer to take the edge off. Anger is slowly creeping in. Christ, she drives me mad! As I walk back into the family room, my phone plays the intro to “Ice Ice Baby.” It always makes me smile. Best first date I’ve ever had. I pick it up and press the answer key.
“Baby,” I sigh.
“Hi.” She seems unsure.
“Did you have a good flight?”
“Um. Yes.”
“And the weather out there?”
“Little chill in the air, kinda like the one on the phone.”
“Derek get there on time?” I continue and take a swig of my beer.
“Yes, Ray!” she snaps.
“Staying with him, or in a hotel?” I keep my voice flat.
“Neither.”
“Where are you staying?” I ask before the bottle touches my lips again.
“My house.” She’s quiet.
“Wow! And the hits just keep coming, huh, babe?” I bait her.
“Ray, what are you playing at?”
“I’m not playing at anything, baby. Just wanted to hear your voice.” I sit down and spin the remote around.
“Whatever you are spinning, please stop! Ray, I know the way I left today was terrible. I am sorry. I just knew you would try to stop me.” Her voice shakes.
“Becs! It doesn’t help me accept the whole barefoot idea when you leave me without a word, and only twenty-four hours into our ‘new’ life. What do you think that te
lls me, baby?” I raise my voice.
“Please, baby ... don’t yell at me.” She speaks in that soft tone that always gets to me. I don’t know why, it just stirs something so deep inside.
“I’m sorry, Becs. I’m just upset. I want you here in my arms. I want to smell your hair and kiss your skin. This is all my fault. If I wasn’t such an asshole today, you’d be here.” I rub my face and sit back with my beer.
“Ray, though your words were awful and harsh, that’s not what I took to heart.”
I interrupt her. “Baby, I know. Dad read me the letter.”
“Oh, he did?” She seems taken aback.
“Yeah. Still, Becs, I shouldn’t have. I was letting my pride get in the way. I was such jerk today. Kinda miss Lucy now. At least I’d know I’d get a do over tomorrow.” I chuckle a bit.
“Ray, I’m here to make sure ‘Lucy’ doesn’t come back. I need to get full closure. I owe it to both of us.”
“I just don’t like how this all happened, babe, and I don’t like that you are there alone trying to deal with this. Let me fly out,” I offer.
“No! I’m sorry, but you are the last person I need here! I have Morgan.”
“Morgan’s a child, Becca. You need another adult there!” I snap.
“Derek’s here.”
“Derek’s a child, Becca. You need another adult there!” I laugh. She laughs and reports to Derek, who says I definitely shouldn’t come if an adult is needed.
“Are we okay, Ray?” She gets serious again.
“Yeah, baby, just come home to me ... soon.” I sigh.
“Give me a week, Ray. I love you. You know that right?” she asks.
“Yes. I love you too.” I reply. “Hey?”
“Yeah?”
“You still wearing that dress, baby?” I lick my lips, thinking about this afternoon.
“Uh-huh.” I can hear her smile.
“You still have my secret special message in between those lovely legs of yours?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“That was fucking hot as hell today, babe! Feel free to stop by for lunch anytime you want, especially if you’re gonna pull some hot shit like that. Okay?” I soften my voice.
“Sounds like we’ve got ourselves a new game to play.” She matches my tone.
“Ugh! I love you!”
“Love you, too. We’re just getting to Derek’s for dinner. Talk to you later, Ray?”
“Yeah, babe. Get settled in and just text me at least, okay?”
“Will do, sweetie. Bye.”
“Bye, babe,” I hang up. I feel a little better, but I need to set up some support for her. I give Stacey a call and leave her a message, then do the same with Hazel.
BECCA
“I take it Ray’s not too happy about this.” Derek glances over as he puts his Escalade in park.
“Nope ... not one bit. I just need to do it, though. I can’t run from it anymore. If I don’t face these things, Ray and I may never make it.” I sigh, throwing my phone in the bag.
“It’s been a long time coming, Becs.” He slaps my leg.
“Becs?” I smile, shaking my head. “C’mon, Morgy. Wake up, baby.” I turn and tap her leg. She opens her eyes and grumpily grabs her backpack, but brightens up when she hears Jasper and Diana calling for us excitedly. I open my door.
“Auntie Becca!” They jump up and down. I climb down and pull them both into my arms.
“Would you look at the pair of ya? You’ve grown so much! Well, except for you, Jasp. It must be tough being the shortest kid in your class!” At almost seven years old, he’s already at my shoulders!
“Oh, Auntie Becca! You know I’m the tallest!” He rolls his eyes.
“And Diana, you must be the prettiest girl in your preschool!” I play with her light brown ringlets.
“Becca!” Danielle runs out.
“It’s so good to see you, Danni!” I hug her tightly.
“So, how did you handle waking up from a coma to find ... uh ...” She waves her hand at me.
“Myself four months pregnant?” I ask as I place some roasted potatoes on my plate.
“Uh, yeah. That must’ve been a shocker.” She giggles a bit, more out of discomfort, I think.
“Well, I knew I was pregnant before I woke up,” I offer.
“But they didn’t discover you were pregnant until almost November. I remember, because Derek was with you, and he wanted to rip Ray’s head off,” she says quietly. We all look at the kids at the other end of the table. I take in a deep breath, happy that while we’re not completely out of earshot, they seem like they couldn’t care less about our conversation.
“Did you not tell her?” I glare at Derek.
“No, Becca. You know how Danni rolls!” He widens his eyes at me. Ah, yes! Danni and talk of “the other side” do not mix. It freaks her out. She has phasmophobia—in that she’s actually been diagnosed with it. I guess her Great Uncle Herb “visited” her when she was five. It didn’t go over too well. She does everything she can to keep her life free of spirits.
“What did he not tell me?” Danni asks quietly, almost as if she’s unsure whether she wants to hear it or not. I study her, contemplating. She stares at me, her deep blue eyes wide and innocent. Her long, blonde, curly hair is pulled up in a messy bun. She’s about five foot nothing and the size of my pinkie. She’s one of those girls that have trouble gaining weight. My heart just breaks for her. All Sybeccas salute her with their “sight word,” except for Cautionary Sybecca. Her ticker board simply says: “Fuck you, skinny bitch!”
“Danni, I know what I’m about to tell you would be like the equivalent of you throwing me into shark-infested water, so I’ll start by saying sorry.” I wince. She takes a sip of her wine, looking like she’s trying to figure me out. “Um ... I was with Grayson the entire time I was in a coma.” I say it quick, like I’m ripping off a Band-Aid. She gulps her wine, grabs the bottle, and refills her glass past even the classless point. Honestly, at this point, just drink it from the bottle! She holds her hand up to hold me off as she begins to chug this glass too. I can’t help but giggle; it reminds me of myself when Ray would touch me with intent. When I was “Lucy,” of course. She closes her eyes—waiting for the intoxication, I’m sure.
“Okay,” she says, then exhales through pursed lips. I quietly explain everything, looking every so often at Morgan. I had intended to tell Morgan my first night home, but never did. I thought I would when I had her gift from him. Now that we’re back in Cali, I’ll talk to her tomorrow.
“Wow. That’s amazing, Becca. It’s bittersweet, I imagine.” She half smiles as I tear up. She asks what provoked our impulsive trip. I take in a very deep breath and tell them.
“He said what?!” Derek yells. Yeah, he didn’t like the “dead guy” comment either. “Funny, he left that out when he called frantically for help!” He’s definitely pissed.
“He didn’t tell you, Derek, because he knows what he said was stupid. His pride was getting in the way of his ability to articulate his feelings in a more sensitive, respectful manner. I don’t like the way he said it, but I certainly understand where it came from. I’ve really put him through a lot, and I’m not quite sure how or why he stuck around. I know he loves me, but this has all been a bit much for anybody. Please don’t be mad at him.” I grab Derek’s hand and squeeze for emphasis. He offers me an understanding smile and nods.
“Ready, Becca?” Derek asks. I grab my purse.
“Yes ... no,” I sigh. It’s been a long time since I’ve been at the ranch. I know I’m getting ready for a tornado of emotions. A tornado that, up until this moment, I didn’t really consider the magnitude of. Fear swells inside of me, so powerful, so raw. “I’m scared.” I feel myself become paralyzed.
“Becca, stay here, love. Maybe you shouldn’t go tonight. I’ll take you tomorrow and stay with you. I don’t think you should be there alone.” I can sense panic rising in him. Man, I really didn’t think this through! What if I c
atapult myself back into “Lucy”? Oh no ... no, I can’t do that. I can’t go back! No, that won’t happen. Grayson gave us his blessing. The guilt I used to feel is gone. “Sorry, Becca, I have to get this,” Derek says, grabbing his phone. I didn’t even hear it ring; must’ve been on vibrate. Derek heads into their study. I stand by the door in the foyer, looking around at their artwork. Contemporary—eh—not my thing. After a few minutes, Derek reappears. “Hear, Becca, for you.” He hands me his cell.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Baby, take a deep breath,” Ray commands softly. I do as he says, but find myself beginning to cry. I need him. “Baby ... shh, listen to me. Are you listening?” he asks.
“Yes,” I murmur.
“There is no one at your house. I would feel much better if you stay with Derek and Danielle tonight, and go to the ranch in the morning.” He’s speaking very slowly, trying so hard to calm me down. He must be mad as hell at me for doing this.
“But—” I start.
“Becs, I know you, baby. You will get there and be consumed by memories. You won’t sleep tonight. Not there. Now, you’ve had a very long, very emotional day. On top of that, you are pregnant with twins. I need you to think of them, if not yourself or anybody else. You need to keep your stress level down, Becs. Please, baby. Stay with Derek tonight and get rest. I called Stacey. She will be there in the morning. Don’t do this without her, please,” he begs.
“Ray, I’m sorry. You’re the last person I need here, and yet I wish you were by my side.” I don’t know if it’s my hormones or just uncertainty that’s got me feeling like an addlepated fool.
“Baby, you say the word and I’m there!” he states with urgency.
“I know that, and I love you so much for it.” I smile through my tears.
“Stace will be there in the morning. Will you please stay put? Listen to me, Becca, for once in your life. I’m worried about you and the babies.” He sighs with what seems like frustration driven by concern—not irritation.
Goodbye Uncertainty Page 8