by Rosie Clarke
‘You should let me tell your matron – she would give you compassionate leave,’ he said against her hair. ‘You shouldn’t have to bear this alone.’
Maggie looked up at him. She gave him a little push and he let her go but offered her a clean white handkerchief. She took it and blew her nose but didn’t give it back. ‘Thank you for coming to tell me, Lieutenant, and thank you for your concern – but Matron needs us all. Men are dying every day here – not just one but fifty or more – sometimes a hundred. She can’t let her nurses go home when they are so desperately needed here.’
Mick looked into her face and she knew he could see that she was determined. Her tears had dried and her expression was blank, cold, the way she felt inside. He nodded, a frown on his handsome face. ‘I think you need friends, but I’ll be around for a week or so – just ask for me if you need me.’ He smiled at her gently. ‘Private Hadlow is on the hospital transport most days; he would get a message to me – and I’ll come again if I can, even if you don’t ask.’
‘Thank you. I’ll be all right. I want to work.’ Maggie wiped her sleeve across her face. ‘Now I should get some sleep.’
‘Yes, of course.’ Mick hesitated and then handed her a parcel tied up with brown paper and string. ‘From Sally Harper and Fred and Beth Burrows.’
Maggie stared at it, seeming unwilling to take it for a moment, then nodded and accepted it from his hands. ‘Thank you. I’ll write to them when I’m able.’
He stood for a moment, uncertain, not wanting to leave her.
She appreciated his kindness but couldn’t bear it. ‘Please go, Lieutenant. I am all right now. I do have friends here and my work. You can’t do anything more for me – but you’ve been kind and I shan’t forget…’
‘I shan’t forget you, either, Maggie Gibbs,’ he said and smiled at her. ‘You’re a lovely girl, so you are – and your patients are lucky to have you. If the Germans get lucky and put a bullet in me, I’ll be sure to ask for you, me darling.’
It was an attempt at lightness. Maggie nodded but didn’t respond with a smile. Instead, she turned and walked away, aware that he watched her until she disappeared into the row of huts that were currently her home.
Maggie felt numb all over now. She was blocking out her grief the way she’d learned to do when she’d first seen young men die. If she thought about Tim and what his death meant to her, she would just lie on her bed and weep. So, she wouldn’t think about it – she wouldn’t accept it. She would just put it all out of her mind. When this war was over, when she returned to England at the end of this nightmare, then she would think about the life that awaited her. She couldn’t even begin to think what she might do in the future because at the moment it was dark and bleak and she didn’t want to think at all. She would do what all the nurses did out here: eat, sleep and work and forget everything that had once made life beautiful.
Mick watched the young woman walk away. She was so vulnerable, but beautiful, proud and magnificent in her grief. He’d remembered her vaguely as a young girl, but she was a woman now. A wisp of a girl shouldering the weight of the world and his heart grieved for her.
He shook his head. As an engineer his own life was often in danger. There was no way of knowing if he would ever get through this war alive – but if he did, he would seek out Maggie Gibbs and see what he could do for her. She was everything the men out here admired and he wanted to help her – to shoulder some of the pain she’d been forced to bear, but he knew he couldn’t. Maggie didn’t know him, probably wouldn’t want his comfort or his help – but he wouldn’t forget her, and if he could help her one day in the future, he would.
Turning away, Mick went back to the lorry that had brought him in. He had a job to do up at the Front and by the end of the day he might be amongst the wounded being tended here or dead.
Whistling, Mick nodded to the young private who had obligingly brought him here in the battered old lorry he kept going with bits of wire and crossed fingers.
‘Ready to go, Lieutenant?’
‘Yes, thank you, Private Hadlow.’ He climbed into the passenger seat. ‘I owe you one.’
‘Packet of fags,’ the soldier said and grinned. ‘Think a lot of her, do yer?’
Mick smiled. ‘She’s one hell of a girl,’ he replied.
‘They all are,’ Private Hadlow said. ‘I wouldn’t have their job for all the tea in China.’
Mick nodded. He had been deeply touched by the young girl’s bravery and carried the memory of her stricken eyes with him as he left. He would write to Sally Harper and let her know straight away, though she might not hear for a while since the letters sometimes took weeks to deliver.
17
Sally got a letter from Mick some weeks later, towards the beginning of June. She smiled, because he must have pulled strings to ensure it got through so quickly. Normally, the post could take weeks from over there, but Mick was used to getting things done. He’d probably sent it with someone who was coming home on leave. It had been delivered to her office with a lot more post, but she’d vaguely recognised Mick’s scrawl. She opened it and read that he’d seen Maggie, passed on their messages and that she’d taken it hard.
The poor lass cried, but that’s only natural. I’d have been more worried if she hadn’t. However, I could see she has taken it deep inside; what it means probably hasn’t sunk in yet and she was determined to go on working. I tried to persuade her to come home, but she wouldn’t consider it. She says she’s needed out here and it’s true; there are so many wounded men, they can hardly cope as it is. If she asked for leave, she wouldn’t know what to do, so perhaps it is best she stays and keeps on working. Your friend is a brave young woman, Sally, and she’s doing a wonderful job here – they all are. The men call the nurses the real heroes – their sweet angels who make living bearable and dying easier.
I have to stop now, because I’m needed. They need a… building and I’m the man for the job, they say. Take care, Sally, and I’ll call when I’m home again. Give my regards to Ben and my love to young Jenny. I’ve given Marlene a birthday gift for her so you’ll be seeing her soon.
My fondest love as your friend, Mick.
Sally folded the letter, putting it away in her handbag. It had told her just what she’d expected. Maggie wouldn’t come home for the funeral – she would rather stay out there where she was doing her job, the job she’d trained for and was so much needed. If she’d returned, she would have had to face reality and she’d decided to tuck her grief away and go on working. Sally didn’t blame her. She thought she might have done the same in Maggie’s place, but Fred and Beth had thought she would come home and they might be upset. Sally would do her best to make them understand, but both were grieving hard for Tim’s loss and might not see that Maggie just couldn’t face them or her own grief.
‘Is something wrong?’ Ben asked from the doorway of their bedroom.
She went to greet him with a kiss. ‘I’ve had a letter from Mick. He has told Maggie about Tim and she was obviously distressed – but she won’t come home – she says she’s needed out there…’
‘Yes, I’m certain she is,’ Ben agreed with a frown. ‘That doesn’t mean she’s right to stay, Sally. Bottling up her grief will only mean she suffers more in the end.’ His eyes had a faraway look and she knew he wasn’t thinking only of Maggie.
Ben had been concerned earlier in the month by the sinking of an American passenger ship, the Lusitania. He’d told her that one of the passengers had actually been a friend of the American President, Woodrow Wyatt, and she knew he’d worried for Jenni, who had spoken of visiting them when she’d written earlier that year, and he’d told her not to think of it in one of his regular letters to her.
Sally nodded, looking thoughtful. ‘Yes, I know – but Maggie has already had too much pain for such a young woman to bear. She lost her parents, was let down by that fellow Ralf and she loved Tim all the more because of it. I don’t think she could face Fred or Beth at the m
oment.’
Ben put his arms around her, holding her close. ‘I know how I’d feel if someone told me you were gone, Sally. I’d want to bury myself deep and keep everyone else at arm’s-length. It’s a pity you couldn’t have been the one to break the news, love. Mick did his best, but she might have opened up to you more.’
‘I wanted to go, but Beth begged me not to – and I thought you wouldn’t let me.’
‘I wouldn’t have wanted you to risk your life,’ Ben agreed. ‘With Maggie out there, you did the best you could, darling.’
Sally nodded. ‘I know – but was it good enough?’
‘Maggie isn’t coming home?’ Beth looked at Sally in shock. ‘How can she do that? I thought she loved Tim? Surely she wants to be here with her family – and to attend his funeral.’
‘I think Maggie is hurting too much to think straight,’ Sally told her softly. ‘Please don’t think the worst of her, Beth. She doesn’t mean to hurt you or Fred – she just can’t face anyone at the moment, and she is needed out there. So many young men are injured and dying that she feels it would be wrong to take leave for her own personal grief.’ She hesitated, then, ‘She would probably not be given leave even if she asked.’
‘She could have had a few days for compassionate leave,’ Beth argued and looked upset and angry. ‘Jack’s been given another week to see his brother buried and so could she. Though, of course, his ship is being refitted again so that helps. They picked up more shell damage on the way home from Calais.’ She was too upset to think of Maggie’s point of view. ‘I don’t know what Fred will say; he delayed it a couple of days just to give Maggie time to get back – I imagine he’ll be deeply hurt…’
However, when Beth relayed the news to her father-in-law, he just nodded his head in acceptance. ‘I don’t think she means any disrespect, Beth. The young lass is just too upset to face what has happened and she wants to stay there, where she’s needed.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ Beth said, but her disappointment was sharp. It felt like a slap in the face. She’d expected her to rush home so that they could comfort each other and she’d thought Maggie would cling to her and she would be able to make her feel better and assure her of their love and that she was still a big part of their family, but it seemed to Beth that Maggie had shut them out, given them the cold shoulder – as if they were nothing. Even Rachel had remarked on it, saying she couldn’t understand why Maggie didn’t ask for compassionate leave and come home.
Her first distress had cooled, but, in her heart, she still felt hurt and rejected, though common sense told her Maggie was doing what she had to do.
18
It was in mid-June that Marion saw the girl standing outside her door as she approached her house. She was of medium height, her hair shoulder-length, blonde and wavy, and her red coat smarter than was normally worn round here. She turned as Marion came up to her, a tentative smile on her face and then she extended her hand as Marion noticed the suitcases piled near the front door.
‘You must be Marion,’ she said. ‘I’m Dan’s wife – he did tell you about me?’ She frowned as Marion didn’t answer immediately. ‘I’m Sarah and we were married last time Dan got home…’
‘Married?’ Marion felt the shock run through her. She moved forward and grasped Sarah’s hands. ‘I’m sorry. Yes, of course he told us about you, but I didn’t know you were married.’
‘It was very quick, a special licence. He only had twenty-four hours before he had to go back, so we got married.’ Sarah’s coat opened slightly and Marion saw the swollen mound of her belly. She was more than a few months pregnant. ‘The trouble is my father doesn’t approve of Dan – and he threw me out…’ Sarah blinked, tears standing in her eyes. ‘I thought my father really loved me, but it seems that was only while I was his little girl and did as I was told, when I grew up and fell in love, he resented it – and Dan wasn’t good enough for him. I don’t think any man would be…’
‘Oh, Sarah, love,’ Marion said, instantly understanding the significance of the suitcases. Dan must have anticipated this might happen and he’d told Sarah to come to his sister. It was probably why he’d told Marion there was a girl he loved, thinking she might need to know in the future. ‘Of course you can stay with us. You can have Dan’s room. Robbie was using it after Dan left home, but he can share with Dickon when he’s home on leave – or have mine and I’ll move into Ma’s room, but you must have Dan’s. It has a double bed and a nice outlook over the garden.’
Sarah looked relieved. She flicked her long lashes to get rid of the tears and smiled properly. ‘Dan told me how kind you were, but I was nervous of coming – after all, it is your family home.’
‘And it’s your home now, because you’re family.’
Marion picked up the largest suitcase and carried it round to the back door. Sarah followed with the two smaller ones. Once they were inside the kitchen, which was much warmer, Marion made up the range fire.
‘I’ll make a cup of tea and then take you upstairs. My little sister, Milly, is next door at the neighbour’s house. I’ll fetch her once you’re settled in, Sarah.’
Leading the way upstairs, Marion opened the door to the room Robbie had been using before he left to join up. She was glad it was her habit to polish right through the house once a week, because it still smelled fresh. Looking round at the shabby furniture, she turned to Sarah apologetically.
‘I’m sorry it isn’t smarter – but perhaps Dan will buy some new stuff when he gets back.’
Sarah smiled at her. ‘It’s much nicer than the lodgings I went into after leaving my father’s house, Marion. Thank you for letting me have it. I can probably buy a few bits myself – if you don’t mind me changing things?’
‘You can do what you want in here,’ Marion told her. ‘Are you all right for money? I don’t have much spare but…’
‘I’ve got a little bit in the bank,’ Sarah told her. ‘My mother left me a small legacy, so it doesn’t matter that my father cut me off without a penny. I could find a job, I’m good at typing and bookkeeping, but I can’t work like this.’ She’d taken off her coat and Marion thought she must be about six months pregnant.
‘You mustn’t even think of going to work,’ Marion said. ‘I’m sure Dan will come home when he gets leave and he will make sure you have money to look after you and the baby.’
‘Yes.’ Sarah smiled. ‘He gave me ten pounds when he was home. I spent it on my lodgings, but they were so awful I found the courage to come here.’
‘I’m so glad you did,’ Marion said. ‘It will be lovely having you here, Sarah. I often worry that Milly will be too much trouble for Mrs Jackson, but she could come here to you if she wants now.’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll be happy to get her tea – and to help you with the housework, Marion. It must be a lot for you to do, working at Harpers and looking after this house and your family…’
‘It isn’t always easy,’ Marion replied. She liked Sarah, who, at first meeting, seemed just right for Dan. ‘I think it will be better now you’re here – Kathy helps me, of course, but Milly is too young to do much and Dickon likes to go out with his friends in the evening. He brings in coke and wood for the range, but that’s about his limit.’
‘Dan told me he had a big family,’ Sarah said and looked a little wistful. ‘I was an only child and after my mother died, Father made me the centre of his world. He spoiled me, gave me nice things, but he wanted me to stay a little girl – be grateful to him. I think that’s why he hated the idea of my getting married and having Dan’s child. He couldn’t prevent the marriage, because I’m old enough to do as I wish, but he forbade it. I thought he would change his mind, when he knew it was a fact and that I was having his grandchild – but he told me to pack my bags and leave, so I did.’
‘What else could you do?’ Marion consoled her with a look of sympathy. ‘I wish you’d come to us straight away, Sarah. I hate to think of you living in those terrible lodging
s. Dan would have hated that for you.’
‘I thought you might resent me moving into your home…’
‘No, I don’t – I really don’t,’ Marion told her and went over to give her a quick hug. ‘I love Dan and I’m glad he’s got such a lovely wife – and that you’ve chosen to live with us now your baby is so close to being born.’
‘I’m glad I came now,’ Sarah said and looked happy. ‘It was silly of me to worry, because Dan said you would welcome me but…’ She sighed. ‘Well, I’m here now and it’s up to Dan to decide what happens next.’
‘Surely you will stay with us for the duration of the war,’ Marion told her. ‘After it is all over and Dan is back for good, then you can decide.’
Sarah nodded, but looked uncertain. Marion decided to leave it there. Dan and Sarah would talk things over when he next came home on leave and they could all move on from there. Marion was quite happy to have Dan’s wife and baby living in her home and she thought the rest of her family would be pleased too. After all, they had plenty of room for her with their parents’ room empty. For a moment Marion had considered giving Sarah that but decided against it. Let her have Dan’s old room and if Robbie objected when he came home, he could move into hers and she’d have Ma’s room. Kathy wouldn’t even go in their mother’s room to clean; she said it was haunted by her mother’s screams and couldn’t bear any reminder of what had happened that terrible night their father had battered her. She and Milly shared a room as had Dickon and Robbie until Dan left home. Marion had a small room to herself, but she wouldn’t mind having her parents’ old room if Robbie would rather have hers than share Dickon’s again. For a while she’d worried her father might return and claim it, but it seemed he knew he wouldn’t be welcome – and if he did come near them, Marion would go to the police. He was guilty of her mother’s death and by rights should be in prison, though she’d heard quite a few men had been let out of prison if they swore to join the Army. Perhaps that was the reason her father had escaped justice all this time. He was working on the merchant ships and so many men were being injured and killed that the police might have called an amnesty on criminals for the duration of the war.