“Will, can you go over to the bar while I talk to Master Caden?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
Will winks at me as he passes me on his way to the bar.
“That’s not fair,” Teddy says.
“It is. I’m punishing her enough without physically doing so.”
“How so?”
“She has feelings for me. Her outburst was a direct connection to her being hurt by me, regardless of whether or not I knew her feelings. But I can’t help asking, did you know about this?”
“No, absolutely not. Which is entirely my fault. I should have kept better tabs on it, talked to her about it,” he says in a way that I know he’s beating himself up internally and I don’t need him to be doing that either.
“The point is, she was mad at me for not only hurting her, but also because she is seeing everything I’m not when it comes to Aryn and I cannot be mad at her for that. Ultimately, she understands that I don’t reciprocate her feelings and she knows where my heart has wandered off to and she respects it. Though she’ll accept it a little more once I get my head out of my ass. That’s a direct quote by the way.”
“I’ll kill her.”
I laugh, “No, don’t. I gave her free reign on the conversation and once I knew the reason behind why she snapped yesterday, I put her back on her knees and told her I’d be back. When she asked if she was going to be punished, I told her she would be, so she is back there stewing on what’s going to happen.”
He snorts, “She was a mess before.”
“I’m sure it’s worse now. But at this point I’m incapable of punishing her for her honesty.”
He nods his understanding of what I’ve said. “I’ll leave her in there for a few more minutes, then collect her.”
“Good,” I say to Teddy.
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“Book a flight to Australia.”
FORTY~SIX
*~* ARYN *~*
I’ve managed to survive until Sydney. We’re nearly done with Alyssa’s premiere tour and all the press that accompanies it.
I’ve also managed to survive without Caden showing up or at the very least without getting the feeling that he’s here and I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed.
Ashley got punished by Caden for something that happened and she wouldn’t elaborate. I was disappointed she didn’t spill the details of why. What she did tell me was that she wasn’t exactly the model submissive and she deserved what she got. I wanted to press her for more, but when I tried, she shot me down. Why she told me in the first place is beyond me.
Regardless, Ashley and I haven’t talked much. Whether she’s respecting me until I return back to the States or whatever happened to us has done irreparable damage to our relationship is to be determined.
I’ve spent a lot of my free time with alcohol bottles in my hand. It’s been the only way once the lonely nights set in that I can keep Caden out of my mind. When I’m not drinking away the memory of him, I can’t help but think maybe he’s right. Maybe a D/s relationship with him is what I need because I cannot get him out of my mind. You would think if I truly had no desire to be with him that I would have been able to move on from it, but instead I find myself more agitated than I should be and above all, lonely.
Loneliness is a part of the job. It’s also a part of who I’ve always been, but for some reason it’s almost impossible to deal with it anymore.
I see relationships every day. I see men and women on the streets, at the premieres, and I’ve seen my fair share of two men together since going on this tour and while they’ve always been there, I’ve never paid them much attention before and now it seems like every time I turn around, another gay couple pops up in front of me. Each one twisting the ache in my chest a little more.
The saying goes, “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and in this case, it seems to be the truth.
I look at my phone and there isn’t a text, a missed call, nothing from him and I wonder if I’ve missed my chance. Maybe his punishment of Ashley was a step in another direction for Caden. Maybe she texted me about the punishment to prove a point, to show me that Caden no longer wants me the way I thought he did.
Dex to Beck: When are you coming home?
Beck to Dex: We fly out in the morning. Be home around six or so. Once Alyssa is home, I’ll be headed home.
Dex to Beck: We’re going to Nashville, you don’t need to go, just thought I would let you know.
Beck to Dex: When?
Dex to Beck: day after tomorrow.
Beck to Dex: I have no business there.
Dex to Beck: Why do you say that?
Beck to Dex: Because I’m pretty sure I’m no longer welcome at The Box.
Dex to Beck: Hardly. Did they revoke your membership?
Beck to Dex: Nope, but I’m pretty sure that I don’t belong there.
Dex to Beck: This is hardly the conversation for texting.
I barely finish reading the text when my Skype lights up. Thank god for hotel Wi-Fi.
“Yeah,” I say once his ugly-ass mug appears on my screen.
“What makes you think you’re not welcome at the club or that you don’t belong there?” Dex asks.
“It’s a long ass story.”
“It’s what, ten in the morning there, I’ve got time. Talk,” Dex says in a commanding tone and I scowl at the screen.
“I don’t take orders from you.”
“Who would you rather be taking orders from?”
“For the hundredth time, I’m not a damn sub,” I snap.
“Hardly.”
“Why the fuck does everyone keep saying that?”
“Because we all see what you’re so unwilling to see. Listen to me. Just because you don’t think that you are doesn’t mean that you aren’t. So what if you’re a submissive, Beck. No one is going to judge you for that. No one, especially not me or Raine, is going to think any different about you because you decide to submit to someone. It’s just a part of who you are.”
“So what? Just because it may be a part of who I am doesn’t mean I have to do it.”
He leans toward the screen, putting his chin in his hand. “No one said you had to, but how can you shoot something down when you haven’t got a clue what it means?”
“I can’t let go like that.”
“You’ve never tried,” he counters.
“Maybe I don’t want to,” I tell him dismissively.
“Maybe you don’t want to or maybe you don’t want to submit to Caden?”
My eyes find his on the screen. “He doesn’t want me.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
“Oh believe me, I have more information on that fact than you do,” I tell him.
“Now you’re going to have to explain yourself.”
“No.”
“Aryn, stop. Your defiance is getting you nowhere. How can you expect to work through all of this if you keep dismissing everything or you flat out refuse to talk to anyone about it?”
“There isn’t anything to talk about, Dex. He had his chance and he walked out of the room,” I tell him.
“Before or after you walked out on him?”
“How can you be so calm about this? About the fact that we are talking about me being with a man?”
“Because I don’t give a shit who or what you’re into. I won’t think any less of you if you’re with a man or a woman. You like who you like, love who you love. Aryn, I am not the person to judge you for that. Regardless of who it is, even if you submitted to a woman, I wouldn’t give a shit. What I think you need to worry about more, is what it is you hope to gain out of a relationship.”
“That’s pointless because I honestly don’t know. I thought I wanted Caden, but it is obvious he only wants a submissive, he doesn’t want anything more than that,” I explain.
“What is it that you want?”
“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t know I wanted to be with a
nyone until I met Caden at Derek’s house. Ever since then I’ve been doing my damndest to fight that I am overly attracted to him. I want to be with him. So not only am I attempting to come to grips with the fact I want to be with a man, but I have to deal with the fact that I want to be with a man who doesn’t want me in return. To top all of that off, he doesn’t want to be with me as anything more than his submissive. Someone that he can control, someone that he can mold to his desires. And lastly, tie that to the fact that I went into this whole thing thinking I was a dominant and I’ve had it so eloquently pointed out to me that I am incapable of doing that. So rather than do that, or attempt to be a Top and fail at it, I’m just going to be me. If I can find someone that I can stand to be around longer than it takes to get off, then maybe I can find another one.”
“I married the first one that I could stand longer than getting off,” he tells me. He has a smile playing at his lips. “And let me tell you, I’ve never been happier than I am with her.”
“But you have everything you could possibly want with her. The first person I actually managed to give my real number to is another submissive at the club and she bit my head off the last time I saw her. If I’m not the dominant type, how can I give her everything she needs?”
“What about Caden?”
“What about him? He doesn’t want anything beyond a Dom/sub.”
“And again, we’re back at this? How do you know that’s all he wants?” he asks.
“Because that is what he said to me, right before he put his clothes back on and walked out of my hotel room.”
“You slept with him?” He can’t hide the surprise, but he’s not disappointed.
“No. We didn’t make it that far.” I don’t add that up until that moment, everything between us that night was perfect. It was fun, it was full of banter and complete bliss. “He coerced me into giving up my phone number, but he’s yet to use it since then.”
“Maybe he’s waiting for you to reach out to him,” Dex counters.
“Maybe, but I know what he wants and I can’t do that.”
“Again, how do you know if you can or can’t if you don’t try. Look, do you want to be in the lifestyle?” I nod. “Do you want to learn about the lifestyle? Understand it, learn what it means to be a Dominant, learn about what it takes to be a good Top?”
“Yes,” I say.
“Then what is stopping you from submitting to him? The only way you can learn, understand and have a complete wealth of knowledge in this lifestyle is to surrender yourself to someone else. Let them guide you and you may find that being on top isn’t right for you. You may find out you prefer being on the bottom and there is nothing wrong with that. Hell, even Raine thought she wanted to be a Top and I think some of her bratty tendencies come from that desire within her, but it’s also what keeps our relationship fun and it sure as shit keeps me on my toes when it comes to her. But in the midst of all that, she’s found a happiness that she can’t explain by submitting to me, by handing everything over to me. And that happiness did not come overnight. It took a long time for her to find it, but the bottom line, she was willing to try.”
Dex’s words hit me hard.
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
“Oh shut up,” I grumble. “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
FORTY~SEVEN
”READY?” I ASK Alyssa and the security team as we approach the red carpet for our final premiere on this tour. Thank god, it’s almost over.
“This should be short,” Alyssa says. “We did most of the press stuff yesterday. What’s here is just going to be photographers sans reporters.”
I nod and Alyssa smiles at me. She’s a nice girl and I have to admit that this trip has been less torturous than I’d expected it to be. She’s young, but well rounded. Partying isn’t at the top of her list.
“One more,” I say to her and she nods before looking out the window.
“I will be so glad to get home,” she groans. “This has been torture.”
I smile, but not at anyone in particular. The limo moves again and Alyssa yawns.
All the time zone hopping is starting to take its toll on all of us, and I’m glad Alyssa doesn’t want to go out tonight. I’m not sure any of the team would be up to it either. We stop again and Casey opens her door while I slide out the other one. Troy exits the front. The crowd is pumped, but smaller than anything we’ve had so far. Sydney is a pretty small market when compared to the other places we’ve been and I’ve wondered more than a few times why we’re here. But that certainly wasn’t my call.
Alyssa waves, smiles, waves some more and we move onto the aisleway. My eyes don’t stop scanning our surroundings. It’s a product of who I am, how I’m built and how I’ve been trained.
That familiar tingle returns, raising the hairs on the back of my neck and I start to scan the carpet looking for Caden. I don’t see him but the next car arrives.
Because of the smaller venue, Alyssa and Travis are the only celebs here and that’s all the crowd cares about.
Alyssa slows her pace for Travis to catch up to her and when he does, they pose together for the paparazzi and then the fans on the other side of the line.
That tingling feeling hasn’t subsided but I don’t see Caden anywhere. My defenses start to rise, worried that something is going to happen and my senses sharpen.
Alyssa moves away from Travis and finishes up her stint in the press line and enters the fan area. The area where attendees line up for entrance into the theater is where Alyssa will meet fans, sign autographs and take a few pictures. This is where things often get hairy, but at the same time, they’re prescreened for weapons before being allowed in line so nothing too hairy.
Alyssa does her thing and I can’t shake the bad feeling rising in my gut. I signal Casey. He immediately turns around and scans the crowd with me, looking for anything out of place. My heart starts pounding in my chest, but before I get too worked up, Alyssa backs away from the line and heads toward the doors of the theater.
Once inside, the feeling intensifies but there are not very many people in here so it’s easier to scan. I recognize a few of the faces but they’re people with the studio so I don’t consider them a threat.
I stand back, watching the people milling about, and Travis’s entourage enters the theater. Travis approaches Alyssa and they start heading toward the interview area where they’re scheduled to be until the movie starts. Australia is doing things a little differently. They’re having a press conference rather than individual interviews.
“Beck,” Casey calls from behind me. “We’re heading into interviews.”
“You got this, right?”
“What you are you going to do?” he says into my earpiece.
“Check the theater, keep an eye on things out here.”
“Yeah? Alright, we got this.”
“Thanks, man.”
Casey proceeds to follow Troy and Alyssa into the room where Alyssa will have her final interview while they fill the theater with the fans outside. Once it’s full, she’ll enter and yada, yada, yada.
The hair on the back of my neck stands on end again when I sense someone approaching, but I don’t feel threatened. That’s when someone comes to stand beside me. “You do realize that stalking is a very unfavorable characteristic,” I grumble.
“How’d you know I was here?” he asks.
“The same way I always do and you have my number now, all you had to do was call, text, anything other than fly halfway across the globe.”
“I’m here on business,” he says as the doors close on the interview room and I turn to give Caden my attention.
“I hardly doubt that. There is hardly anyone here from the crew. Hell, the director isn’t even here, so tell me, Caden, why exactly are you here?”
I lean toward him. “You have my cell phone number now, stalking is hardly necessary.”
“I came for business,” he counters.
“It took me that long to figure a few things out,” he tells me.
“So what, you figured you could just show up here, we’d talk and everything would go back to the way it was? I’m not wired that way.”
“I came here because I had business to attend to. In fact, I’ve been here for a few days already. Regardless, I’m not entirely sure I owe you an explanation.”
I give him a hard stare. “So why show up here?”
“Maybe I wanted to see you.”
“I fly home tomorrow, that would have been a cheaper trip.”
“Sure, if I knew where to find you once you got home.”
“Again with the stalker behavior and again, a phone call or a text would have sufficed. Who knows, it may have given you the information you were seeking.”
He snorts, “I doubt you’d give me your address.”
“You never know, unless you ask.”
“Fair enough,” he says with confidence.
“We leave early tomorrow morning,” I tell him.
“I know, so do I. Would you like to go out tonight, when you’re done here?”
“Caden, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. You’ve made yourself clear about what you want and when I can find it in myself to consider that offer, I will let you know what I decide. Going out just might screw with me a little more and frankly, I’m fucked up enough as it is. Now, before I lose my job, I need to get back to work.”
*~* CADEN *~*
Aryn’s words give me hope that my trip here isn’t in vain.
He walks away and I can’t take my eyes off of him.
He’s right, of course. I’ve asked him for something, asked him to be something, that I’m not even convinced he is. But he obviously has a better grasp on himself than I thought. I could have called, I could have texted, but I couldn’t, I needed to see him. I needed to know that what I’m fighting myself for is really what I want.
Aryn's Desire: A BOLD Security Novel (Finding Submission Book 1) Page 24