He squeezes his eyes shut, and inhales deeply as if to calm down and regain some semblance of control. “Forever,” he breathes as he slowly opens his eyes with a quiet resolve in place. I nod. I’m successful in calming him down, but inside I’m scared as hell.
Dean is drunk and obviously riding on his bike. My mind is conflicted between right and wrong. If I leave with Josh, and Dean leaves on his bike, he could hurt someone. I can’t be responsible for that. I just can’t, not after everything. If we stay, then nothing good will come from this. I decide without informing Josh that I need to get him in his truck away from Dean, and then I need to somehow convince Dean to call someone to come get him. However, to do that would mean coming back and talking to him alone. I figure that is what I have to do.
Josh grabs my hand and we turn to walk away from Dean as I’m thinking this over—coming up with a plan to separate them and still help one without hurting the other. But it’s not over—it never is.
“Oh, Riley? Before you go, I’m just curious of something,” Dean inquires in a voice that is no longer friendly.
I halt with my back still turned away from Dean. Josh looks down at me with curious eyes. His grip tightens on my hand. I shouldn’t have turned around. I shouldn’t have. I don’t know why I did. “What’s that, Dean?” I ask, ignoring my own advice and turning to face him. I’m such a hypocrite. I just told Josh to let this go and I turn around. Why did I do that?
Once the words left his dirty mouth, it was too late to change my mind. I should have never turned around—I had a plan. Now, it’s too late to stop what was about to happen—I never should have turned around.
“It’s been a few hours since you left me standing stunned in your living room wondering what the hell y’all were talking about. Then running down the road in the rain and falling into his arms. Those arms you apparently have always wanted to be in, right?” He laughs bitterly, and then walks right up to me, looking down into my eyes. His nearness and the hatred I see in the brown depths I used to find so adoring spike a fear in me I’ve never felt before with him. His voice takes on a low menacing tone, and his eyes never drift away from mine. He wants me to hear every word and I am listening.
He doesn’t let me speak. He just keeps throwing mean words at me in between stale alcohol-infused breaths. “I’m just curious, though. Two fucking years...you strung me along never giving it up—waiting for him, I assume.” He glances behind me and then flicks his eyes back to mine. He leans down and whispers words so harsh and laced with vileness that I shiver. “Is that pretty little cherry of yours still intact, or did you let him pop that in the minutes it took for you to forget I ever existed?”
My heart leaps to my throat because I know nothing I say now will stop this. I should have never turned around. I should have stuck to my plan. Why can I never do what I should?
My mouth falls open, and I have never felt words expose me so deeply. Dean hates me. I don’t care what he said earlier about missing me and us being friends. We are so not friends. We are enemies.
He has never spoken to me like that. He means to rip me to shreds just now. He means to cut me open and let me bleed out right here in this parking lot. Who the hell does he think he is? He had sex with my best friend and lied about it for two years. He had sex with Preslee and knocked her up while we were dating—probably screwing her the entire time. I’m hella glad I kept my legs closed. I respected my body, and my heart enough to know that Dean wasn’t the one to give that cherished piece of myself to.
How dare he?
Josh gently pushes me aside, and his fist collides with Dean’s mouth and nose in one sharp punch. Blood spatters onto my shirt. Dean spits all the while laughing. I think he has gone mad. I think he has truly lost his shit. Déjà vu times a million is what this is.
“Oh my God!” I scream, but they just keep throwing punches, and pushing and shoving at each other. Josh grabs Dean by the shirt, and yells in his face. “You’re the fucking pussy, you bastard! You made her question everything. You used her, manipulated her and when you didn’t get what you wanted out of her, you broke up with her. She was of no use to you anymore, and you want to call me out?”
Dean shakes him off and yells back at him, “She never saw me. All she ever saw was you. And you just ate that shit up, Parker. I tried like fuck to be something to her, but I didn’t have a chance in hell, because of YOU!” He shouts as he shoves Josh in the chest.
People are watching as though it’s entertainment. What is wrong with people? Why won’t they step in and stop this? No one does though—just me.
If given a scale of the shittiest decisions I’ve made in my life, I’m pretty sure the scale would be tipped on the shitty side, because I’m not the best at making the right ones. Choosing Dean to be my safe haven for two years was one of those shitty decisions. I’ve made many mistakes today. This would be another—another tip on the shitty side of the scale. Why the hell not?
I jump in the middle of them ducking and putting my hands in front of my face. “Please, stop. Just stop. It’s not worth it.” I cry.
I push them apart the best I can, but they continue to punch and push over and around me. Josh tries to move me out of the way, but I keep moving back in the middle of them. “Dammit, Riley. Let me handle this. Go wait in the truck!” he shouts as he throws the keys toward me.
Tears are streaming down my face, and I watch as the keys fall to the ground. That was another moment to do the right thing and back away. I never make the right choices.
I don’t step away. I stay right where I am—in the middle of them. Dean shouts directly in my face, “No, you’re not worth it.” He yells things at me, but I can’t hear it. I’m just stuck in this bubble of darkness and fear as the sting of his hands hit my chest.
I just want them to stop. I just want Dean to leave me alone. I just want to go back to two years ago and tell Josh I love him—that I’ve always loved him. I just want to go back to the day when I let Dean convince me that he cared for me and not believe it, because he doesn’t. He hates me. He uses me. He lies to me. He tricks me. He makes me hate myself. Josh makes me love myself. He makes me feel like everything I feel makes sense, and it’s okay. Dean makes me feel guilty. He makes me feel lost and confused. I am lost and confused when he is around.
I don’t see him do it, but I feel it. His hands push me on the chest, and I’m shoved back and into the air. I stumble as I try to catch myself, but I lose my footing on the curb falling to the concrete, hitting my head on impact. I land on something sharp, and the pain shoots through me like electricity. It all seems like slow motion—Josh yelling—Dean looking angry then scared with his hands in the air.
“Riley, NO! Oh, fuck! What did you do?” I hear Josh shout as he runs towards me.
I felt the wind leave my lungs, and the pain in my head shoots fire through my veins. I try to sit up, but dark spots clouded my vision, and I immediately feel dizzy.
“I...oh, shit! Riley, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry. Is she okay?” Dean asks, trying to come near me. His voice is like an echo.
“Get the fuck away from her. Haven’t you done enough? Just LEAVE.US.ALONE!” Josh hollers as he is cradling me in his arms.
I blink my eyes trying to get the spots in my vision to clear. My head hurts. I reach behind it to hold the spot that hurts and feel wetness. When I pull my hand back in front of my face my hand is red, and I hear Josh curse again.
I don’t know if it was the red on my hand, or the shock of everything, but I shut my eyes as everything goes black.
“Hey, Riley. I missed seeing your adorable face in History yesterday,” Dean said as I was standing at my locker.
“Yeah, sure. Whatever,” I spoke with sarcasm. “I had a dentist appointment yesterday, and my mom just let me skip. We had a shopping day. I bought some new jeans,” I said looking down at my new MissMe’s.
He smiled. “I appreciated those as I watched you walk down the hall to your locker.”
He looked me over for emphasis.
I peered up at him, feeling the flush reach my cheeks with embarrassment. He watched me walk, which implied he was staring at my ass.
He grabbed a curl, twirling it around his finger. I wondered why he always did that. Why I liked that he did that. Then I remembered why, because Josh used to do that—that was why I liked the way it felt.
I missed Josh. Nothing had been the same since the accident and the funerals. He’d pulled away from me and it hurt—a lot.
I looked past Dean, and saw Josh leaning against the wall with one leg up. His eyes were on us. I tried to read them, but I couldn’t. He just looked curious. He hadn’t talked to me in a few days. I missed his voice. I missed everything about him.
A group of cheerleaders walked over to him, they tried hard to get his attention. He nodded, his mouth moving as though he was interacting with them, but his eyes remained locked with mine. I couldn’t look away. I was trapped in his gaze—trying so hard to read him.
Dean must have noticed I wasn’t paying any attention to him, because he grabbed my chin and turned my face to his. I blinked a few times—feeling hypnotized. “Sorry, what?” I said. Why did Dean always make me feel that way? Flustered and confused—I wondered about all of these things.
He laughed lightly. “I said that I’d like to take you out tonight. We can go bowling, or to dinner. Whatever you want. I just really like being around you. You’re funny and cute as hell. What do you say? Will you go out with me?” he asked for the third time in a matter of weeks.
I looked back towards Josh, but he wasn’t looking at me any longer. He was laughing at something Collin had said. One of the cheerleaders dropped her textbook on the ground—probably on purpose. It was pep rally day and she was dressed in uniform, which was the shortest of short skirts—nothing was left to the imagination, and by the looks on Josh and Collins faces—they preferred it that way. She bent over to get the book she’d dropped. Collin and Josh admired the view before them appreciatively. Collin covered his mouth and slapped Josh’s arm with the other. I read Josh’s mouth as he said, “Dayyyuumm”
Did he say, damn? That meant he liked the view, I thought.
Shit! It was the only word that matched the way I felt—like shit!
It made me furious. It made me feel jealous. It made me feel a lot of things.
Just for a second Josh’s eyes flicked to mine. He knew I’d noticed. He frowned at first, like he was contemplating something, but then he smirked as he looked back at Collin continuing their conversation—ignoring me.
I looked back at Dean as he looked between Josh and me. “You still have that crush, huh?” he asked.
“What? I don’t have a crush on Josh.” I lied, clearly in denial.
He smiled, moving into my space—continuing to twirl my curl and making me feel nervous. “No? Then what’s stopping you from going on that date with me tonight?” he asked with a flirtatious tone.
I swallowed down the feeling in my stomach that it would be a mistake, but for whatever reason I shrugged and said, “I guess nothing. Tonight it is.”
He smiled, “pick you up at 7.” He kissed my cheek, and when he walked away, I noticed Josh punch his locker and storm away.
“Miss, can you tell me what happened?” A guy in blue asks me as I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to gain my focus. I can’t seem to get the stars to go away.
“Look, Bill. This is going to have to wait? I need to get her to the hospital.” A lady with pretty blue eyes says, applying pressure to the back of my head and wrapping something around my forehead. It hurts. She kneels down in front of me and asks me a question of her own. “Can you tell me your name?”
“He pushed her. That’s what happened.” I can hear Josh yelling as she asks me that, “her name? Why the hell are you asking her that? Of course she knows her name.” He berates the lady questioning me.
I can’t concentrate enough to understand what either of them is saying—my head feels like pressure is building inside of it. “I...I...I’m Rrriley,” I say, my speech sounding slurred.
The lady looks up at another guy who appears blurry to me. She nods to him and they pick me up and put me on a stretcher.
“It was an accident. Damn it. Baby, it was an accident.” Dean’s voice sounds muffled and distant. Dean? Why is Dean on my date with Josh? I’m so confused.
“Don’t call her baby. She is NOT your baby. She’s mine,” Josh shouts to Dean.
“I ffffell ddddown,” I whisper as loudly as I can to the guy in blue as they are wheeling me away. He nods, but backs away, not pressing me further.
I feel Josh grab my hands as he tries to follow beside me. “No, you didn’t fall Riley. Don’t cover for him baby. He pushed you.” Josh says, trying to convince me to tell a story I’m not sure is the truth. His eyes are moving rapidly to each of mine. I’m trying to focus on them but the dark spots in my vision are making it hard. He looks so nervous.
Josh looks at the lady wheeling me, “Please. She is confused or something. He pushed her down,” he says sounding so distraught. It makes me panic on the inside. Did Dean push me down?
I turn my head to find Dean. My head feels fuzzy and I’m not sure if what I see is real, or if I’m hallucinating. He is sitting next to a cop car in handcuffs, looking right at me.
I didn’t feel well. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Riley. I’m so sorry. It was an accident.” His voice is muffled behind the ringing in my ears and the distance between us.
The people helping me are pushing Josh back—away from me. When I turn to where his eyes were just a moment ago. I can’t find them there. For the life of me I can’t seem to understand, or remember why my head is hurting, or why everyone is fighting like this, or why Dean is in handcuffs.
I just remember delicious cheesecake, and peanut butter kisses on Josh’s lips. I remember promises of forever and a scary movie I owed him. I don’t remember watching it, though.
“Don’t talk to her.” Josh shouts over to Dean. He pushes his way back to me and holds my hand. He kisses my forehead and wetness blankets my face from his tears. Dean is shouting he didn’t mean it and to please forgive him. Josh is grumbling back to him while holding my hand. It’s too much.
I shake my head and try to blink away the spots. “Stttoooppp it. Stop, please. I...I...I don’t know. I ddddon’t remember. I’m sssorry, Josh.” My head hurts. I feel dizzy. I just—can’t think. I grab my head and squeeze my eyes shut and it’s like my head is swirling, my stomach suddenly turns and I get sick off the side of the stretcher. My body wretches and dry heaves overtake me.
Josh is worried about me. I can see it in his eyes when I look back at him, confused as to why I’m suddenly suffering a massive headache and a stomach bug.
“Step back. We need to get her checked out. I’m pretty sure she has a concussion.” The lady with pretty eyes explains to Josh, as the friendly man across from her separates us. I look up at the lady just as they are lifting me into an ambulance, his hand slips away from mine, and I feel bereft without it.
“I’m scared. I don’t know what’s going on.” I admit to her. Josh is begging to come with me, but they tell him no. “Josh? JOSH!” I whisper then shout for him but a glass separates us.
Somewhere within that time I must have fallen asleep, because I don’t remember the lady with blue eyes, or the blurry guy. I don’t see Josh or Dean or the guy in blue again. I don’t see anything other than a tunnel of black, and strange stars that aren’t in the sky.
CHAPTER 2
Had someone told me years ago that this girl would become crucial for me to breathe—I wouldn’t have believed them. But here we are—her lying in a hospital bed, and her cold hand feeling fragile between my own. The beeping from the monitor hooked up to her is annoying, but reassures me that her heart is strong and she is okay—just sleeping. Nonetheless, the fear I feel is strong. She has become the air I breathe, the reason my own heart has a pulse, the cause for my senses to go in
to overdrive—just everything. She is everything to me and she is hurt—and I hurt.
“Why isn’t she waking up?” I ask her mom again for the third time since I’ve arrived. I rub tiny circles underneath Riley’s palm as I watch her chest rise and fall with each breath she takes.
According to the paramedics, she lost consciousness in the ambulance briefly—a result of shock or the concussion.
Thankfully, a brain scan has reassured us all that she is okay. She does have a concussion, as suspected, and two small staples have been placed in the back of her head to close a small gash. She has officially freaked me out, with her slurred speech, not remembering what happened, and the fact that she has fallen asleep, and hasn’t opened her eyes since I arrived here hours ago. She won’t wake up.
“She is okay, Josh. The doctor said it’s normal for her to sleep like this. Don’t worry,” she says placing a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “You should go get some sleep. When you get back in the morning, I can assure you she will be awake and happy to see you, as always. Okay?”
I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to go home without her. I am tired, though, and I have nowhere to sleep here. Her mom is staying, and it would be rather inappropriate of me to try and stay in her place. I’m just her boyfriend, not her husband. Fuck, where did that come from?
I place a kiss to Riley’s forehead like I always do. I lean in to whisper in her ear, “Baby, I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m sorry I let my temper get the better of me. I’m sorry you got hurt and that I didn’t protect you, but more than that baby... I’m sorry I might not be here when you wake up. I love you so much. So much that it hurts.” I let my mouth linger there even though I have stopped speaking. The beeping on her monitor begins to accelerate. It catches my attention, so I lift my head and glance at it. I look back down at her as I feel her squeeze my hand, but she doesn’t open her eyes.
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