Her comment hits my heart in the worst way. Am I happy? I look back to Riley, and see the pain in her blue/green eyes—the eyes that I have always loved more than any in this world—the ones I picture every night when I lay alone without her. I’m not happy, but I love her. No matter how hurt my heart is, or how pissed my head is at her—I love her.
CHAPTER 23
Breaking into two again. I’m losing him, and no one else is to blame but me. I knew keeping this secret would backfire on me. I just hoped Dean would leave, would back off, but he hasn’t. If anything, he is scaring me more. But to explain that to, Josh? I don’t know how.
I’m sitting here watching him purposely try to hurt me. Not only is he ignoring me, but he’s also blatantly flirting with girls in front of me. This version of Josh is new to me, and I don’t know what to do with it.
It’s been an hour without him acknowledging me once. An hour of him allowing the girl he is working with to touch him in small ways. He meets my eyes, smirks and then smiles at her. I know what he is doing, and it fucking hurts. Josh oozes sex appeal. All he has to do is wink, give a curve of his lip, or even a breath in another female’s direction, and I have no doubt they would drop on their knees for him. He has that power. I’ve seen him use that power to his advantage before, but never so cruelly as to do it this way to hurt me.
Three giggly girls have been hanging on his every word for the past half hour, and he’s been entertaining them with his gorgeous bedroom eyes and his lip pulled in between his teeth.
“Here. I think you need this.” I look in front of me to see a glass with sugar around the rim. I look away from my boyfriend breaking my heart and to the other bartender whose nametag reads Chris.
“What’s this?”
“Lemon drop. It’s sweet. Might make the sour feeling you’ve got taste a little better,” he says, looking between Josh and me.
“That obvious, huh?”
He laughs and leans into the bar. “Honey, if your eyes could speak words, they’d be saying a helluva lot.”
I pick up the cup and lick some of the sugar. Chris looks to my lips and clears his throat. I swear I heard a growl from the other side of the bar, but I don’t look over to see for sure. “So, I haven’t seen you around here before. You know him?” he inquires.
“I go to school in Texas. Yeah, he’s my boyfriend.”
And now he looks confused, which makes me uncomfortable. “Hmmm. I didn’t know he had a girlfriend. Doesn’t look like he knows that either. Does it?”
I catch Josh’s eye as he glares at me. I lick more of the sugar off the glass. “No, it doesn’t.” I take the lemon drop in one gulp, licking my lips after. Josh squares his shoulders and crosses his hands over his chest. Two can play this game. I look back to Chris smiling sweetly. “Thank you, that was sweet. Can I have another, please?” I tilt my head and bite my lip.
He reaches for my glass and lets his fingers graze mine as he smirks. He walks across the bar to make me another shot, Josh meeting him halfway. The two seem to start up a heated conversation just as the bitch he’s been working and flirting with all night walks over to me.
“So, you’re the girlfriend, huh?” Really? She knows about me, but Chris didn’t.
“That I am. And you are?” I ask in my best bitchy voice.
She laughs, and I want to slap her. “I’m Natalie. Josh calls me Nat, though.”
“Is that so? How cute. A nickname, huh?”
She seems taken aback by my attitude, but what the fuck? She came over here and has been knowingly flirting with my boyfriend—and then tells me shit like that.
“Funny, you obviously know who I am. Chris over there didn’t seem to know who I was.” Something isn’t adding up.
She smiles a fake smile. “Well, Chris only works weekends, so he doesn’t know Josh well.”
“But you do?” I ask feeling more peeved with every word that comes out of her mouth.
“Yeah, kind of. Josh and I work together during the week, as well. Lots of hours, so we talk a lot, I guess.”
I just stare at her, and then glance at Josh, who is staring at me. She pulls my attention back to her. “We’re just friends, not that I wouldn’t mind being more, but he’s been pretty honest about being taken…until tonight, that is.”
She has officially pissed me off, smiling the entire time. What the hell is that supposed to mean. Until tonight, that is? Is he saying he isn’t taken? Well fuck that. She walks off, and I watch her walk near him—her pinkie grazing his hand as she does. He looks down at it and very slightly touches his own to hers. When I look up, I see him staring right at me. He knew I saw it, and he still did it. I search his eyes for an apology, for an explanation, and I get nothing but cold.
Next thing I know, Chris has another drink in front of me. I reach for the glass, but Josh is there in a second taking it from him. He leans down real close to my face, holding the glass in between his hands. “Is this what you’re going to do? Drink until you feel nothing? Did you even card her, you prick?” he asks with venom. Feel nothing? Isn’t he trying to make me feel all of this?
“I guess I am.” I lean around him. “Thank you, Chris. You’re very sweet. My ID say’s I’m twenty-one. You’re good, Chris.” I look back at Josh satisfied.
“What the fuck?” He seethes through his teeth.
I snatch the glass from his hand and very slowly lick the sugar for exaggeration, and then I tip the glass to my lips. I slam the glass down onto the bar. “What the fuck is right, Josh? You want me to feel bad for working side by side with someone I ignore as best as possible, while you’re here working side by side with some bitch you obviously have intentions of fucking later. Well, FUCK YOU!” I pull out a $20, kiss it and hand it over Josh’s shoulder to Chris.
Josh’s mouth hangs open, and I go to leave just as Emily and Collin come stumbling in. “Heeeeeeyyyy!” Em slurs hanging on my shoulders.
“Let’s get a table.” I say, grabbing her hand and pulling her to the back of the bar where the band is playing. I wonder for a moment if Josh is playing later. He never said. Collin stays by the bar with Josh. I look at him, and his eyes are saying a lot of things. Anger, sadness, love, and lust—I can’t read him anymore.
I proceed to tell Emily all about Josh and the bitch at the bar. “Riley, he wouldn’t cheat on you. You know that.”
“I did know that. But now, I’m not so sure. You should have seen him, Em. He practically held her hand. It’s like he was trying to hurt me, and he did,” I explain.
She frowns. “You need to tell him that Dean is stalking you, Riley. You shouldn’t be keeping this from him. All he knows is that you and your ex are talking again. He’s probably scared, and so he is trying to hurt you.”
“Dean’s not stalking me, Em. He’s just too close for my comfort.” I explain not even sure if I believe my own words. Dean is randomly showing up where I happen to be. I catch him watching me from a distance, all too often. It is unnerving, and he’s never with Preslee. In fact, I haven’t seen her in months. He leaves notes on my car, at my apartment and in my locker at work. Never once, have I played into his game. I just ignore him, but it isn’t working anymore.
“What-the-fuck ever, Riley. He is around too much. I mean shit, he rented an apartment in our complex, got a job at our bar, parks his bike right next to your car half the time. It’s weird…and I don’t buy for a fucking second that Preslee and he are together. She’s never even around.”
I laugh at her, but her words are too close to home. “Seriously, Em. I don’t want to talk about this. You’re killing my buzz.”
I can’t stop staring at the band playing. One guy is playing on the piano keyboard, another playing the guitar and one on the drums. I don’t recognize what they are singing, must be original, but it has me entranced. I get an idea, and I have no idea where it comes from.
I came here to talk to Josh, to explain what was going on, not to lose him. I know he’s angry, but he wouldn’t go t
hrough with hurting me like that. I know he wouldn’t. I’m not losing him.
“Hey, where are you going?” I hear Em ask, but I keep walking. I reach the band that announced they were done, and the next act would be up in fifteen minutes. I step up on the stage to talk to the guy by the keyboard. I explain my plan, and ask if they know the song. I fear they won’t, but he smiles and tells me he does. He waves over the guitar player who is also the guy who’s been singing. He asks what he thinks. They both eye me appreciatively and shrug. “Why the hell not?” They talk to the drummer.
I look up to the bar as they set up, and see Collin nudging Josh to get him to look over, and when he does I can’t read him, yet again. He leans forward on the bar locking eyes with mine. I’m standing next to the singer who introduced himself as Steele. He grabs the microphone off the stand.
“Well, guys and dolls, we have a lovely surprise. This young lady...” He cups his hand over the microphone and leans over to me. “What’s your name, darlin?”
“Riley.”
“This lovely lady, Riley, is going to be singing a cover for y’all.”
He hands me the microphone, and I look to the piano player with a nod. He begins to play Pieces by Red.
I close my eyes to listen to the piano as it envelops me. Once the guitar starts, I begin singing. I’m lost in the words. I’m reaching into my hair and swaying slowly as I let my heart bleed out on this stage.
When the chorus starts for the second time, I open my eyes for the first time as I realize the room is as quiet as a mouse. Everyone is listening to me in awe. I lock eyes with Josh standing right in front of me as the drummer kicks in for the build. He is in shock. I can see it all over his face.
I let the rest pour out of me because I mean every word. I did try. I tried so hard to make this with him work. To be everything I thought I couldn’t—to be enough. The music softens and so does my voice. I meet his eyes and find the coldness of before now gone. I need him to understand, to hear me. He is my missing puzzle piece, he always has been. Even if I’m a jumbled mess of jagged edges, he puts me back together. He fixes me, completes me. I see so many questions, so many thoughts in his gorgeous hazel eyes.
My eyes shut and the rest becomes pure emotion as I glide my hand down the microphone string. When the song ends, the crowd applauds and whistles. “Thank you,” I smile.
Steele takes the mic and smiles widely. “Damn girl, you’ve got some lungs. That was beautiful, honey. Wasn’t it?” He looks back to the crowd going wild again, but my eyes are on Josh’s. I step down and walk over to him. He doesn’t touch me. He just stares, his eyes bouncing from one to the other—reading me—thinking—completely resolute. Giving me nothing.
Parker! Parker! Parker!
The crowd begins to chant, and I realize now that he is the next act. His eyes flick to my lips for a brief second, and then he walks to the stage leaving me stunned without a word. His face is guarded. I walk to sit beside Em and Collin now. “I recorded the whole thing,” Em says smiling wide. I can’t smile back, though. I thought he would understand what I was trying to say, but maybe he didn’t.
Josh seems flustered and not his normally composed self as he escapes into music. His hands are shaking as he grabs his guitar and barstool to sit on. He adjusts the microphone stand. His eyes meet mine as he just stares with that same composed, guarded look. I don’t understand his eyes. He clears his throat.
“Well, um, not sure I want to be following that act—hauntingly beautiful,” he murmurs. “I’ve got two songs for y’all tonight. One my own and one a cover I just came up with on a whim,” he says, locking eyes with mine. I swallow hard, and the urge to look away is so strong, but I’m trapped in his gaze. He breaks the contact first. “How many of you have loved someone so much that it physically hurt you when it fell apart?”
What? No!
“How many of you have had someone crawl under your skin so deep that it fucked up your head? Loved that person so fucking much that you can’t breathe when they aren’t by your side? Loved them to the point that it left you broken, because they were broken, but you still kept trying to fix them?”
I look to Emily. “Why is he saying this?”
She shrugs and squeezes my hand. I try to blink the tears away, keep them from falling, but it’s to no avail. He begins strumming his guitar as his eyes meet mine. “This song is Without You.”
NO!
I don’t recognize this song. It’s soft and haunting—hauntingly beautiful, like he just said. It’s new, and he titled it without you? My heart is thumping so hard in my chest. I just poured my heart out to him, is he about to break mine?
MILES SEPARATE US
OUR LOVE BINDS US
LETTERS HERE AND THERE
PHONE CALLS TO MAKE THIS EASIER TO BEAR
BUT YOU’RE GONE, AND I’M HERE WITHOUT YOU
LONELY, BROKEN, MY HEART LEFT BEHIND WITH YOU
NOW, I KNOW THAT I NEED YOU MORE
MORE THAN I HAVE EVER BEFORE
BUT IS IT ENOUGH?
TO KEEP US TOGETHER, LOVE?
I CAN’T THINK WITHOUT YOU
BREATHE WITHOUT YOU
IT DOESN’T CHANGE
I AM HERE WITHOUT YOU, BABY
UNDER MY SKIN, IN MY HEAD
THE END IS WHAT I DREAD
WAS IT ALL FOR NOTHING IF I LOST YOU?
WAS ANY OF IT EVER TRUE?
HAUNTED BY THE MEMORIES OF YOU IN THE RAIN
OF LOSS AND OF PAIN
THE TASTE OF YOU LINGERS ON MY LIPS
THE FEEL OF YOU BENEATH MY HIPS
THE SMILE ON MY FACE
JUST THE THRILL OF THIS RACE
BUT YOU’RE GONE, AND I’M HERE WITHOUT YOU
LONELY, BROKEN, MY HEART LEFT BEHIND WITH YOU
NOW, I KNOW THAT I NEED YOU MORE
MORE THAN I HAVE EVER BEFORE
BUT IS IT ENOUGH?
TO KEEP US TOGETHER, LOVE?
I CAN’T THINK WITHOUT YOU
BREATHE WITHOUT YOU
NOTHING CHANGES
I AM HERE WITHOUT YOU
I AM WITHOUT
BREATHING EMPTY AIR
NOTHING HERE TO CALM MY FEARS
LOVING YOU BLINDLY AND SCARED TO DEATH
THE PAST ALWAYS BINDING AND I CONFESS
THAT I MIGHT NOT BE STRONG ENOUGH
WE MAY JUST FUCK THIS UP
TILL NOTHING’S LEFT
BUT THIS REGRET
CUZ, BABY YOU’RE GONE, AND I’M HERE WITHOUT YOU
LONELY, BROKEN, MY HEART LEFT BEHIND WITH YOU
NOW, I KNOW THAT I NEED YOU MORE
MORE THAN I HAVE EVER BEFORE
BUT IS IT ENOUGH?
TO KEEP US TOGETHER, LOVE?
I CAN’T THINK WITHOUT YOU
BREATHE WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU NEXT TO ME
EVERYTHING CHANGES BECAUSE I AM HERE WITHOUT YOU
WITHOUT YOU
ALWAYS WITHOUT YOU
I blink through the tears that are streaming down my face. His eyes that have been closed the entire time land on my face, and he frowns. I can’t even wipe away the tears. I can’t move. I’m in too much pain. What is he telling me? That it’s not enough?
The cheers around us make me remember that we aren’t alone. He nods his head without a smile. We are bearing our souls in a room full of strangers. He looks away and begins Broken by Seether.
I’m crumbling into pieces. He is ripping out my heart. Doesn’t he know that I am broken too without him? Doesn’t he realize I can’t breathe, I can’t eat and I can’t sleep without him? That he is everything to me.
He doesn’t.
I’m losing him. I might have already lost him.
I’m scanning the room looking for an escape. This hurts too much. I can’t listen anymore. He’s almost done with the song, but I can’t hear any more of it. I’ve never wanted to not hear him sing before.
I stand, and begin to weave my way through the crowd to the back
as he ends the song, and officially breaks me. I can barely see through my tears. I’m almost to the edge of the crowd where a hallway will lead me to the exit when I realize he is no longer singing.
I gasp when a hand grabs me around my waist, and pulls me into a room just offset from the bar. I turn ready to fight like hell when my mouth is sealed shut by lips I know by memory. Josh pushes me against the wall in this dark room. I hear him click a lock as he licks the tears falling down my cheeks. They won’t stop falling.
“I hate you,” I whisper.
“No, you don’t,” he says, kissing a path along my jaw as he cages me against the wall.
“I want to,” I admit.
“I want to hate you, too. You’re such a bitch.”
“You’re such an asshole.” That’s the last thing I say before his mouth is on mine at a feverish rate. My hands are in his hair, pulling at his shirt—everywhere. I feel like a crazy person—loving, hating and wanting him so badly.
He lowers his head to my neck. “Damn, you smell so fucking good. And you singing—just fuck.” He moves his hand up my skirt to my warmth. He puts his hand inside my panties as I arch into him.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe. I’m moving my hands to his jeans as he tears away my panties. It makes me gasp.
“Shhh...” he lowers his jeans and lifts me against the wall. My legs wrap around his waist and within a moment, he fills me the only way he can. He growls, and against the wall, he claims me all over again.
My eyes shut as I feel him, for what I fear will be the last time. He rests his forehead against mine. “Open your eyes.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Look at me, baby,” his soft voice pleads with me. I listen and meet his gaze as we near the edge together.
His eyes lock with mine. “I’ve always loved you and will always love you,” he says groaning.
Speech isn’t an option for me. His mouth takes mine, and I fall over the edge with him. But why does this feel like goodbye?
Tears are falling from my eyes from pleasure and pain. He’s resting his head on my shoulder as he lowers my legs to the ground, and we both catch our breath. I feel wetness on my shoulder, and realize he too is crying. I run my hands along his cheek and make him look at me. I see it, his decision. My eyes widen, and the lump in my throat strangles me. “I love you, Josh,” I whisper.
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