“I know. There have been many nights when I was cold coming to bed, but it warmed me right up.”
“It was a gift from my mother. It was the last thing she sent me before she passed away. She knew I was always cold. She thought the nights here got as bad as they do in Montana. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that wasn’t the case, but we do get some cold nights that this comes in handy.”
“Yes, we do,” he said, putting an arm around me. He pulled me closer to him. I felt his lips on my shoulder. That tinge of guilt ran down my spine. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep them from overflowing with tears. I sighed. I laid there with my eyes closed until I fell asleep. He never left the bed or removed his arm from around me. When I woke up the next morning, we were still in the same position as when we fell asleep.
11 Changes
It was two weeks before I decided it was finally time to clean out John’s things from my bedroom. Josh was over at the Everett’s house helping out Bob. I called Alison to come and help me out. I knew I would not get through this alone. Each piece of clothing, had a memory attached to it. Some of his clothes still smelled like him.
“Alison, I don’t know if I can do this.”
“I know it is hard, but it is time. Claire you have to move on. You have found someone that loves you with everything he has. I have seen it. Bob has noticed it.”
“Bob has noticed it?”
“Yes, he is questioning me about the two of you. The way you look at each other a person would have to be blind not to notice it.”
“Is Bob okay with it?
“I am sure that he is. He just wants you to be happy. He wants the old Claire back. He is always afraid to joke around you and talk about John because he knows how much you are hurting. He wants to be able to talk about John without setting you off.”
“I haven’t cried as much lately at the memories I have of John, but that feeling of guilt is still there.”
“What do you have to feel guilty about?”
“I don’t know.”
“There is no reason for this. You are getting back on your feet. You are falling in love again. There is nothing wrong with moving on when a spouse passes on.”
“I know, but there are times I feel like I should not be doing this.”
“Do you like Josh?”
“Yes.”
“Does he make you happy?”
“Yes.”
“I am going to say he makes you very happy by the look on your face.”
“He does,” I said. I could feel my cheeks turning red.
“Then what it is the problem? He is sexy as all hell. He obviously cannot get enough of you and you feel the same about him. Why are you fighting this?”
“I just feel like we are together for the wrong reasons.”
“Tell me what you believe those reasons are.”
“I am still grieving, which is obvious. He has lost everyone and going through the grieving period. I think we are both looking for a way out of it by latching on to one another.”
“I hate to tell you this, but he was already on his way to being a happy person before he met you. We discussed it before Bob sent him over here. He was good. He had moved on. You are just making excuses. You need to stop and let him in.”
“I don’t know if I ever can,” I said, sitting on the bed clutching John’s red and black plaid shirt. I needed to start paying Alison for these therapy sessions.
“Look,” she said, sitting next to me. “I know it is still going to take some time getting used to having someone new in your life, but you need to let it happen. You cannot be alone the rest of your life. John would have wanted you to find someone.”
“I know, but this is so hard. I like Josh. I really do. He does things to me that I thought I would never feel again. He makes my stomach swim and heart flutter, but I took a vow with John.”
“You did and those vows said until death do us part. Unfortunately, he was taken too soon, but you had an amazing 20 year run. You lived, you laughed and you loved, but it is time Claire. You need to let Josh have a place in your heart. John will always occupy his own special place, your heart is big enough for another person. Let Josh into it.”
“I am trying, but I keep going back to John and the fact that I am still grieving for him.”
“You will grieve for John for the rest of your life. There will be little things that make you think of him. It may hurt, but you will smile at his memories instead of shedding tears.”
“I am already starting to do that.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“Because of Josh.”
“Exactly, now stop being a butt about it and let the that hunk of man meat into your heart.”
“Hunk of man meat, Jesus, Alison. We are having a serious conversation and your mind can’t stay out of the gutter.”
“Nope, it is an automatic reaction to everything,” she said with a grin.“Conversations are never boring this way.”
“Maybe that is why my brother is so happy all the time.”
“Most likely,” she laughed. I joined in. I folded the shirt I was holding in my hand. I grabbed another one off of the hanger and began to cry. Alison wrapped her arms around me. “I know this is hard.”
“You have no idea. I feel like I am booting him out of my life forever.”
“You are not getting rid of him in anyway. You are just making room for a new person. If the two of you were divorced, would it be any easier?”
“Yes, because he would have taken all of his things and not left me here to do this.”
“Is that why you are still upset?”
“Yes, he left me here alone. Why did he go up on that roof knowing the night before it had rained? Why did he not listen to me and just call a professional? Why did he leave? Did he not know what it would do to me?”
“That is it. Let it all out. You’re mad at him. Let it all come to a head, maybe then you can move on.”
“Why did he have to be so damn stubborn? He could have called someone to do it. We had the damn money,” I screamed, throwing the shirt across the room. I collapsed by the side of the bed, burying my head in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably.
“Shhhh, it’s okay. I know, I know. Let it all out,” Alison comforted me as she hugged me, rocking back and forth. When the sobs finally ceased, Alison held me at arms length. “Are you okay? Do you feel better?”
“Yes,” I said, my bottom lip still quivering.
“Do you want to stop and we can finish another day?”
“No, it needs to be done. I don’t want to wait any longer. It will just make it harder.”
“Okay, can you stand up and sit on the bed? I will take the things off of the hanger and you let me know what you want me to do with them.”
“Okay, thank you, Alison. I don’t know how I would get this done without you.”
“I know you would do the same for me, if, God forbid, something were to happen to Bob.”
“Yes, I would. Do you think Josh has said anything to Bob?”
“I know he had not as of this morning, but now that Bob has him alone. He may be questioning him.”
“Poor Josh.”
“I know, but it can’t be any worse than me, Vanessa, or your sister questioning him. That reminds me, have you told Janie, yet?”
“No.”
“What about Mike?”
“I did not have to tell him. He guessed.”
“What did he say?”
“He is happy about it. He told me it was about time I began to move on. He can’t wait to meet Josh.”
“That is great. Now it is just dealing with your sister.”
“Yeah, I am afraid he may run off after that.”
“Don’t want him to, do you?”
“No.”
“You are so hell bent on keeping him at arms length, yet you don’t want him to leave.”
“I know. I just don’t know what to do.”
“Can you admit somet
hing to me?”
“What?”
“Your feelings toward Josh.”
“I like him a lot. He is sweet and caring. He has a great heart and he makes me laugh.”
“And let’s not forget so incredibly hot.”
“Yeah, that too,” I laughed.
“What does your heart say? Not your head, that is the one continuing to fight this battle.”
“My heart is telling me to dive in head first.”
“So what is stopping you besides that stubborn brain of yours?”
“That is exactly it. There is nothing else in the way.”
“Then stop listening to it.”
“I’ll try,” I sighed.
“There is no trying in the game of love. There is only do. So, do it.”
“Yes, ma’am,” I said, shaking my head at the black button down shirt she was holding up. It was the only dress clothes John ever owned. He always said one black button down shirt and a pair of black slacks and shoes were the only thing he needed for every occasion. It would work at a funeral and a wedding. He lived the simple life and that is how he liked it. I smiled at the memory.
“What are you smiling about?”
“John and that outfit.”
“His one go to outfit for every occasion.”
“Yes,” I laughed.
“Bob is the same way. I try to buy him something else and he tells me he doesn’t need another,” Alison said, shaking her head.
“What is with them?”
“I have no idea. I don’t pretend to understand them. Do you think Josh is the same way?”
“Probably, he barely has any clothing now and I doubt he has anything to wear to my brother’s wedding.”
“Oh, we will have to take him shopping. Stripping him down and putting him in some fancy duds could make for a great day.”
“Hey, that is my boyfriend you are talking about,” I laughed as I threw a pillow in her direction.
“Boyfriend, huh, that is the first time I have heard you refer to him as that.”
“I know. He constantly refers to me as his girlfriend. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to refer to him as my boyfriend, yet. Maybe storing away John’s things is helping come to the realization that I now have one.”
“One that you should be showing off to the world.”
“Only you.”
“Seriously, if he was on my arm, everyone would know it. No one is going to think any different of you.”
“Except for the gossip mill.”
“Oh forget those old biddies. They have nothing better to do than talk about everyone around town. Shoot me if my life ever gets that boring, please?”
“I will make sure to keep that in mind,” she said as she pulled the last piece of clothing off the hanger.
“That is it, huh?”
“Yes, honey, are you okay?”
“I think so. Now we need to do something with the pictures.”
“Do you want to put them in an album that you can keep in your nightstand and keep one on your nightstand?”
“I think keeping one on the nightstand will be too hard. If I put them all in the album, then I can look at it when I want to.”
“If you feel that is best, then let’s do that. I have one that I made for you, just in case.”
“You do?”
“Yes, I did it over the past couple of years. I already put some of the pictures that we had of the two of you and us in it. When you were ready, I was going to give it to you. I think you are now ready.”
“Thank you, Alison,” I said trying to fight back the tears.
“Let it out and you’re welcome.”
“I don’t think I thank you or tell you I love you enough.”
“There is no need to thank me. We are best friends. It is my job to support you, console you, and encourage bad behavior,” she laughed.
“You have all three down.”
“I know. I will be right back. I am going to get the album out of the truck.”
“Okay,” I said as she sauntered out the door and down the stairs. Hearing the screen door slam brought on a new set of tears. She entered the room as I was wiping the tears away.
“Honey, I am sorry. If you want to wait to put the pictures away, we can.”
“No, I would rather get it done.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am.
“Okay. Do you want to look at the pictures I put in there first?”
“Yeah, let’s do that.”
“Great. I put my favorite picture of him in here first,” she said, opening the album as she sat next to me on the bed. Immediately, I began laughing. It was a picture of John and Bob in their matching Halloween costumes the second year we lived here. They were the Super Mario Brothers. The two of them tried to play leap frog with each other that night. Both had quite a bit to drink. John fell on top of Bob’s head. Alison and I laughed so hard our stomachs hurt that night. “I knew that one would cheer you up.”
“Oh my God, that night was hilarious.”
“It was. We had so much fun that night. Just think, they had known each other for almost a year and we only new each other for a month that night, but we became fast friends.”
“Yes, we did. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Ready for the next one?”
“Go for it.”
She turned the page. It was a picture of Bob and John with their arms around each other’s shoulders and their prize pig sitting in front of them. Their chests were puffed out and the grins on their faces were from ear to ear. They were so proud. That year at the county fair, Bob and John entered, Bertha, the pig they had gone partner on in the county fair livestock competition. This pig was huge. She weighed in at 950 pounds. She was the biggest at the fair that year. She did not break the world record, but she broke the county record. She has yet to be beat. She turned the page again.
This time the picture was of her and John. He had his arm around her and she had planted a big kiss on his cheek. His face was all scrunched up. He had given her a bouquet of flowers for her birthday and she was thanking him for it. I remembered when she pulled away from him she saw the look on his face and smacked him for it. I took that picture. I could not stop laughing at the two of them. They always got along. Alison loved John as much as I love Bob. Being thick as thieves, we had to get along.
Turning the page again, there was a photo of John and I at the wedding of my sister. Him in his black outfit and me in a purple, puffy, chiffon dress. The bridesmaid dress from hell. That thing itched and was ugly as sin, but it was what she wanted. My brother was photo bombing us with his mug trying to come in between John and I. I am pretty sure he was just doing that so Alison would take his picture.
The next photo was of John and Mike, sitting on my porch in nothing but shorts with beers in their hands. It was definitely at one of the many parties that took place on this property. We were always socializing with our friends. Between Bob and Alison and John and I, I do not think there was a weekend when there was not some gathering until two years ago when the last gathering on this property was after John’s funeral.
The next page was blank. She smiled at me. I handed her the first frame. It was a picture of us on our wedding day. She put it off to the side. I furrowed my brow at her.
“That is the last picture we will put in here.”
“Okay,” I said, handing her another picture of the two of us on the beach. It was the day he asked me to marry him. We were vacationing in Louisiana. My mom took the picture with tears in her eyes. She adored John. She always treated him like he was one of her own from the time she first met him. My dad was a little less receptive, but what dad wants to see his little girl grow up?
The next picture I handed her was John on his horse. He did not know that I took that picture until we developed the film. The sun was setting behind him. The picture came out as a silhouette. It was the most beautiful picture. It was my favori
te one.
The final picture I handed her was of the four of us hanging out. Vanessa took the picture. We were all sitting on the porch steps laughing at something Bob said. I was sitting two steps below John and Alison was across from me. John had his head hanging. Bob’s head was back in a roar and Alison and I were looking at each other laughing. I remember that day. Vanessa was laughing so hard. She yelled at us and tried to get us to take a serious picture. It never happened.
“How are you? Okay?”
“Yes, I think I am.”
“Good. Now, we can put the wedding picture in here,” Alison said, reaching for the picture. She closed the album and removed the picture from the frame. On the front of the album, there was a clear pocket that was decorated with hearts and John’s name. She slid the picture into it, where it became the cover of the photo album. Tears began to form on the rims of my eyes. “It is okay, sweetheart. Let it out, if you have to.”
“I am okay. It’s beautiful. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Now, let’s put it in the drawer of your nightstand. That way it is always close by. If you miss him, then you can pull it out and relive all the great memories we had together.”
“Okay, that sounds good,” I said. She handed me the album. I slid the drawer out from the oak nightstand and placed the album in it.
“Ready to bring these boxes downstairs?”
“Yes, let’s do that.”
We each grabbed a box of John’s clothes and took them down stairs. We placed them in the hall closet. The screen door opened as I shut the door. Alison turned to me and smiled.
Turning back to Josh she said, in a stern voice, “Get your shit.”
“Why what is going on? Claire, did I do something wrong?” he asked, in a hurried panic state. I placed my hand over my mouth to keep him from seeing the smile on my face.
“No, big boy, you did nothing wrong. You are moving upstairs,” Alison said. The laugh I was holding in escaped me.
“Thanks for scaring the shit out of me, Alison.”
“You are so very welcome. Get used to it. I am headed home. I love you, Claire.”
“I love you, too, Alison. Thank you, again, for helping me today.”
“That is no problem,” she said as she sauntered out the door. “Goodbye, Josh.”
The Stable Boy Page 23