by Jane Green
Marcus chooses to take Will’s words at face value. ‘I think he’s just thrilled to have anyone staying there,’ he says. ‘It’s apparently one of the quietest times of the year.’
‘You obviously know him well, socializing in London,’ Will persists.
‘Oh you know,’ Marcus shifts around in his chair. ‘We know some of the same people, go to the same parties, that kind of thing.’
‘Who do we know?’ Holly asks, no longer willing to play his pretentious game.
‘Sally and Greg in my office. I don’t think you know them. They’re great friends, they stay at Le Manoir all the time.’
Holly catches Will’s eye and he winks at her. She smiles and looks down.
‘So… Marcus.’ Saffron drags her chair over to Marcus and gives him her most killer smile. ‘I’m playing a lawyer in a new film. Tell me some of your best tricks for winning clients.’
Marcus loves it. A famous beautiful actress is sitting next to him, hanging on to his every word, treating him as if he were the most important man in the world, as if everything he says were the word of God, and he forgets that he is a man who is at risk of losing his life. Right now he is not Marcus Carter, potential divorced father. He is Marcus Carter, world-renowned lawyer, omnipotent and omniscient. Master of his universe.
‘Oh this must be so boring for the rest of you,’ Saffron says, looking up after a few minutes. ‘Marcus, I’m dying to hear more. Let’s you and I sit in the kitchen.’ And a mesmerized Marcus follows her out to the kitchen.
‘Shit,’ Olivia says. ‘She grabbed a bottle of wine. Did you see that?’
‘There’s nothing we can do,’ Paul says. ‘I’m telling you. If she chooses to drink, we can’t stop her.’
‘I can’t believe we brought alcohol into the house with an alcoholic who’s fallen off the wagon,’ Holly says. ‘I just can’t believe how stupid we’ve been in believing her when she said she wouldn’t drink again.’
‘Me especially,’ Olivia agrees. ‘I was the one who managed to talk her out of it the other night, and I thought… I suppose I just hoped that every day it might get easier. I definitely never expected her to get shit-faced so quickly.’
‘She is pretty shit-faced,’ Paul says. ‘Earlier on I thought she was going to pass out, but now she seems to have got her second wind. Actually, what’s so scary is how normal she seems. She’s been drinking like a fish all evening, and now she seems sober.’
‘She’s not,’ Olivia says. ‘Trust me.’
‘Do you think I should maybe go and grab the wine or something?’ Anna says. ‘I know you keep saying we can’t do anything but it just feels wrong to leave it in there.’
Holly sighs. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll get it. I’m going to try to get rid of Marcus too. I mean, Jesus! What’s he doing here? Why is he still here, for God’s sake? Why did she invite him to stay?’ She pushes her chair back and, shaking her head, she walks into the kitchen.
It is a sight she can’t quite believe. Saffron is sitting on the lap of her husband with her arms wrapped around his neck, kissing him passionately. Marcus’s hands are running up and down her back, and were it not for Holly’s sharp intake of breath, they would have continued.
‘Oh God,’ Marcus groans, standing up and dislodging Saffron, who lands in a heap on the floor.
‘What the hell?’ Holly says to no one in particular, then looks at Marcus. ‘Get out,’ she says coldly.
‘It’s not what… you don’t understand… it wasn’t…’ But he can’t quite find the words.
‘Out!’ Holly fumes, no longer scared of him, her arm extended, pointing to the door. ‘Just go. Now.’
The others come in, unaware of what happened, aware only that Holly’s voice has carried, that she is furious, and that Marcus has gone. They gather Saffron up and take her upstairs – she is in no fit state for anything other than bed – and Will sits downstairs with Holly, a fuming, shocked, disgusted Holly.
‘How could he?’ she keeps saying, more upset by the betrayal than the actual fact of what happened. She didn’t feel jealous but bemused and betrayed. ‘How could he, so soon? What the hell? And how could she? What was Saffron thinking?’
‘Holly.’ Will puts his hand gently on hers after a while. ‘Saffron was drunk, she probably didn’t even know what she was doing, and as for how he could… Think of where you were last night, think of how it can happen.’
‘But that’s different,’ she explodes.
‘How?’ he says softly. ‘Because we’re friends? Because I’m Tom’s brother? How is Marcus kissing Saffron different from you kissing me? Oh Holly.’ He sighs, looking intently at her, sorrow in his eyes as he shakes his head sadly. ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this. I don’t think you know what you want, do you?’
As she raises her eyes to look at Will, she knows that he is right. She is not ready for this, but not for what Will is talking about. Not that she’s not ready to let Marcus go.
She’s not ready for a relationship. She’s not ready for Will. For anyone.
She is furious, but not with Marcus. With Saffron. Saffron who is supposed to be her friend, who has no reason to seduce Marcus. And she isn’t buying the drunk card. What Saffron did tonight showed Holly that their friendship is a house of cards. It’s a friendship based on a shared history, on the past, not on what is today.
As Holly sighs and looks at Will, she knows it’s time to go, to leave this house and get on to whatever her new life will be.
Upstairs, Anna gently pulls Saffron’s mobile phone out of her bag, tiptoes down the stairs and walks to the end of the driveway. She taps on the screen of the Treo, pulling up the address book, and she scrolls through until she finds it. P.
The phone is picked up on the first ring.
‘Pearce? I am so very sorry to bother you. This is Anna Johanssen, I am a friend of Saffron’s. I would not be calling if this were not urgent, but she is drinking again, big time, and none of us know what to do. We need your help, and I do not know who else to call.’
‘Give me your number, Anna,’ says the voice that Anna knows so well, the voice of one of the most famous men in the world. ‘I’ll get back to you in twenty minutes.’
Anna clicks off the phone and goes back to the house where the others are. She doesn’t know if she’s done the right thing, but she doesn’t have a choice. They really are out of their depth here, and calling Pearce seems the only thing left to do.
Holly goes upstairs slowly, her feet feeling almost as heavy as her heart. Everything about her life has changed, and it’s a terrible feeling to be this vulnerable, to not have a clue where you will end up, nor even, it seems, who your friends are.
She checks on the children, then gets undressed, switching off the light and climbing gratefully into bed, longing to forget everything, even for a while, in her sleep. Then her door creaks open.
‘I can’t, Will,’ she whispers, irritated that even after their chat earlier he presumes she still wants him in her bed. ‘I’m sorry but I just can’t.’
‘It’s not Will,’ slurs Saffron, sliding over to the bed and half sitting, half falling onto the pillows.
Holly groans. The very last person she wants to see. ‘Go to bed, Saffron.’ She sighs. ‘Just go. Please. I’ve got nothing to say to you.’
‘Oh Holly,’ Saffron pouts, still clearly drunk as a skunk. ‘Don’t you see, darling? I did it on purpose. Your pompous awful husband can’t accuse you of anything now. You caught him kissing another woman! How could you ever trust him again? Never mind what Marcus comes up with, you caught him with someone else – what’s the judge going to think about that?’
‘What?’ Holly sits up and switches on the light. There is a drunken, triumphant smile on Saffron’s face. ‘You mean you did this for me?’
‘Course!’ Saffron giggles. ‘You don’t seriously think I fancied him, do you? Yuck yuck yuck!’ She starts sputtering all over the duvet as Holly’s mouth falls open.
‘
You’re crazy,’ Holly says, not knowing what else to say. ‘I can’t believe you seduced him.’
‘Yup.’ Saffron grins in delight. ‘I’ve known men like Marcus before and he would wipe the floor with you. Can’t do much now, though. I know it was only a kiss, but how do you know he hasn’t done this countless times? How could you possibly stay married to a man who does this?’
‘But, Saffron, if this went to court I’d have to name you.’
‘As if my reputation could get any worse. Fuck it.’ Saff flings her arms in the air. ‘If you believe everything you read in the papers, I’m Scarlet Saffron, super-slut and destroyer of marriages.’
‘You’re amazing.’ Holly shakes her head, unable to resist a smile. ‘Even though you’re shit-faced, you’re just… I don’t know whether to thank you or never talk to you again.’
‘Trust me,’ Saffron falls into Holly’s hug, ‘I had to be shit-faced to do what I just did,’ and she snorts with laughter, knowing she will be forgiven, before snuggling down next to Holly and falling into a deep, drunken sleep.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Holly leaves the house early, doesn’t want to talk to anyone this morning. Marcus has cancelled seeing the children – an urgent work thing – so she takes them down to the riding stables they had passed down the road, and spends an hour there, pretending to be normal, pretending to be happy as they feed the ponies Polo mints and let them nuzzle in their pockets.
She doesn’t want to see anyone. Not Will. And not Saffron. What she really wants to do is climb back into bed, pull the covers over her head and not come out again until she remembers what normal is.
How stupid she was, she realizes, to think that she, like Julia, would have done her grieving in the marriage. How naive to think the hardest part was over, that everything from here on in would be hearts and flowers.
‘Mummy?’ Oliver asks on the way back to the house, going via the bakery for cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate. Holly would have left this morning, knowing it’s time to get back to London, but she is bringing Olivia back in the car, and Olivia’s morning sickness tends to abate somewhat by mid-afternoon, hence this wait.
‘Yes, darling?’
‘Are you and Daddy going to be in divorce?’
Holly almost jumps with shock. ‘What do you mean, darling? Why are you asking that?’
‘Well, there’s a girl in my class, Jessica, and her parents are in divorce, and if we’re here with you and Daddy’s not, then I was thinking that maybe you’ll be in a divorce.’
Holly crouches down so she’s on eye level with Oliver. ‘Oliver, did Daddy say something to you?’
Oliver shrugs and looks away.
‘Oliver, it’s okay. You can tell me anything.’ Holly tries to keep the anger out of her voice.
‘Well… Daddy did say that he wanted to be here with us but you wouldn’t let him and that it was up to you if we came home. So is it, Mummy? Will you let Daddy stay?’
Holly stands up and tries to take a deep breath. She thought Marcus was bigger than this, thought that they would both try to protect the children, put them first, not involve them in a game of he said, she said. Clearly she was wrong.
Bastard. Fucking bastard.
‘Oliver,’ she crouches down again, looking him straight in the eye, ‘sometimes mummies and daddies need to have a little time apart. It’s like when you have an argument with Jonny, and both of you decide you’re not talking, but everything’s always fine after a few days.’ Oliver nods. ‘Well, that’s like Daddy and me. We’re all taking a holiday and Daddy could stay here but he has to go back to work, and the most important thing is that Daddy and I both love you very much, and, if we are taking a little holiday from Daddy, it’s not because of anything you’ve done, okay?’
Oliver nods, not really understanding, but wanting now to move on to something else.
‘Okay, darling? I love you.’
‘I love you too, Mummy.’ His voice is muffled as Holly wraps him in a tight hug, opening her arms to include Daisy. ‘I think we probably ought to go back,’ she says, not knowing what will be waiting but knowing the time is up.
Her phone rings on the way home. Marcus.
‘Yes?’ Her voice is terse.
‘Holly, I need to explain. I didn’t do anything last night, Saffron just jumped on me and started kissing me, it was nothing to do with…’
‘You think I believe that?’ Holly hisses softly so the children don’t hear, trying to sound angry, upset. Trying not to smile, for she believes Saffron, and she can see how this works to her advantage. ‘You think I didn’t see your arms around her? How many other times have you done this? How many other women have there been?’
‘None,’ Marcus almost shouts. ‘I swear.’
‘Right. And I’m supposed to believe you. And another thing, Marcus, don’t you dare tell the children this is my fault. Not now. I’ve never said a word against you, even after last night, and I expect you to do the same. I’m going now. I don’t want to talk to you any more,’ and she ends the call just as she turns into the driveway of the house.
*
The house seems empty when they get back. The only person around appears to be Will, and Holly doesn’t want to be around him right now. She feels guilt and shame, and mostly she feels stupid for thinking that Will was going to be the one to rescue her, that Will was her soulmate, when he so obviously isn’t.
She doesn’t know what to say to him any more. After all these months of telling him everything, sharing all the tiny details of her life, she doesn’t know how to act or how to pretend that everything is normal, when nothing is normal.
Nothing about her life is normal. Nothing is as it was. It is, she realizes, like having an accident. One minute you are fine, the next you have sliced your hand open on the food-processor blade, and it is ridiculous to suddenly have blood pouring down your wrist when a second ago there was nothing.
It is true, she realizes, how everything in your life can change in an instant. Tom was Tom – a husband, a father, a friend – and in an instant, Tom was gone. Sarah thought she knew where the rest of her life would lead her, and now she is going down a completely different path.
And Holly, Holly who has defined herself all these years first as a wife, then a mother, is realizing that, if she is no longer a wife, she has to replace that with something else, and being a girlfriend, being Will’s girlfriend, is not the right choice.
She knows that on some level she has to trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to. Just this morning she was realizing that, despite everything, she wouldn’t change a thing about her past. She has her two beautiful children after all, and these fourteen years of marriage have brought her to where she is today, forced her to a place where she can acknowledge that she has wants and needs and that she is no longer willing to stay in a situation where those needs are not met.
People can change. This she knows. But even if Marcus changed it wouldn’t matter. Even if he was granted the gift of humility, even if he started being an attentive, loving, adoring husband, it wouldn’t matter, because Holly doesn’t love him. Holly has never loved him.
‘Where is everyone?’ Holly asks, finding Will on his own in the kitchen.
Will puts the hammer down and comes over to help Holly unbutton the kids’ coats.
‘It’s Olivia,’ he says gently. ‘She was bleeding. They’ve taken her to the hospital.’
Holly takes a sharp intake of breath. ‘Oh God, the baby. Is she losing it?’
‘I don’t know. She was having some cramping as well, and they just bundled her into the car and took her to the Gloucestershire Royal Hospital. Paul said they’d phone when they knew something.’
‘When did they leave?’
‘About an hour ago.’
Olivia is scared. She doesn’t like hospitals, has never liked hospitals, and wishes that she could turn the clock back to yesterday when everything was fine. Except it wasn’t fine. Yesterday
she was pregnant, and until this morning when she went to the bathroom and discovered blood in her knickers, she wanted to turn the clock back to when she wasn’t pregnant, to when it wasn’t something she ever, ever thought about.
Anna sits on a chair in the corner of the room. Paul and Saffron are outside in the waiting room as the radiologist places icy-cold gel all over Olivia’s bare stomach.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says. ‘I know it’s cold but it won’t last long.’
Olivia is transfixed by the television screen. Her head is turned uncomfortably, eyes glued to the screen, wanting to see. Not wanting to see. This is a blessing, she keeps trying to tell herself. This is a blessing in disguise. I don’t want this baby.
She steals a glance at Anna, who looks far more terrified than she does. This is the way it’s meant to be, Olivia thinks. Now I won’t need to make a decision. This is God’s way of taking the decision away from me.
There is silence in the room as the screen lights up with a greyish triangle. In the middle of the screen there is something pulsing, and Olivia squints at it, trying to make it out.
‘What do you see?’ she says after several minutes of silence as the radiologist scans and clicks and types numbers into the screen. ‘Is it dead?’ she whispers.
‘Very much alive, I’d say,’ the radiologist says. ‘Look, can you see?’ And she moves the scanner on her stomach, and Olivia and Anna both gasp, for there, quite clearly, legs furled up, arms reaching out, is a baby.
‘You have a thumb-sucker there,’ the radiologist says as the baby lifts a hand towards its mouth.
‘It’s a baby,’ Olivia whispers. And she bursts into tears.
‘So the bleeding? The cramping? What was all that about?’ Paul looks at Olivia, who has walked into the waiting room with such a huge smile on her face he assumes she has lost the baby and is thrilled.
‘I’ve got a tiny subchorionic haematoma. It’s basically a collection of blood between the placenta and the uterine wall. They said that, given the size, it’s probably going to be fine, but I’ll need to be carefully monitored.’