by J. S. Finley
Lane nodded and choked back a sob. “He’s such a good man, but he’s sick.”
“I know.”
“What am I going to do?”
Brent held him for a few more minutes before pushing him to arm’s length. “Have you eaten?”
Lane stared at Brent, unsure how to answer. “I—I don’t know.”
“Okay, well, we’re about to have some hungry guys here. I’ll order some pizza and salad. We’ll at least have food in us for a night of searching. You go relax and take a shower or something. I’ll organize.”
Lane nodded and headed to the bedroom. He dropped to the mattress and closed his eyes. He’d failed Mike. His man had needed more help, and he hadn’t been able to give it to him.
Looking back, he should have insisted Mike go in for even more help. Too much had happened, and Mike couldn’t handle it all. He turned to his side and hugged Mike’s pillow. If his man never came home, he wasn’t sure what he would do.
He must have drifted off because, when he woke, he could smell something delicious. His stomach rumbled, reminding him he hadn’t eaten anything. He got up and splashed some cold water on his face before he went out to the main room.
The guys were all there, except Thomas who had to work. Clay came over and hugged him. “We’ll find him.”
Then Jake pulled him into a hug. “I know we can find him.”
“Thank you for being here.”
“Anything for you two. We’ll figure this out.”
Brent brought over a plate with two slices of pizza. ‘Eat this.”
“Okay,” He took a bite and moaned. Was the pizza so good because he was starving or was it just really good? They all chowed down, devouring one full pizza and some salad. After he finished his slices, he washed his hands and turned to face Brent.
“Do we have a plan?” Lane asked.
“Yes, I think we should fan out and go look at places homeless vets gather. I know he’s not homeless, but he’s upset, and he might try blending in. He probably feels bad.”
“He’s got nothing to feel bad about,” Lane said.
Clay put his arm around Lane’s shoulder. “Those bruises look awful. He choked you hard enough to leave those marks. I’m certain he feels like shit.”
Lane drew in a ragged breath. He didn’t want to start bawling in front of his friends, but he was close to losing it. “This sucks.”
Brent nodded. “It does. He needs help, and we’re going to make sure he gets the help he needs. I have a list of places to start. We’ll head out after we use the restroom. I’ve added to your note; if he decides to come back, maybe he’ll stay.”
“Should one of us stay here?” Lane asked.
“I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know. I think the faster we hit this list, the better chance we have of finding him. If we don’t find him in these areas, we’ll head to Manhattan. There’s a shelter I want to check out over there.”
“Okay, I’m ready,” Lane said.
The guys used the restroom and put up the pizza. Mike had been gone for hours. Maybe he was just hanging out, but Lane didn’t believe so.
Brent stayed with him, but Clay and Jake went off on their own. They were headed to four different places. Somehow, between arriving and getting pizza, Brent had found a place to make copies of his key. Each of them had a key to his apartment. When they got back, they would let themselves in.
Searching gave him something to do, but it didn’t change the fact he had no clue where Mike was or if he would ever find him.
14
Mike had thought about killing himself, but he wasn’t ready to end everything. He just needed to think, to calm the monster in his brain before it got the best of him. He hated feeling this way. How could he have hurt Lane again? He’d sworn he wouldn’t hurt Lane, yet he had. He’d almost choked him out. Had Lane not yelled so loudly then kicked him, he might have really done some damage.
It had been hours, but he still didn’t think he could face Lane. He’d wandered around, searching for a way to get out of this mess, but he couldn’t find any answers. He wanted to tell Lane he was sorry, but sorry didn’t cut it when you choked out your friend.
The sun was setting, and he wasn’t sure where he would sleep. He’d left his credit card and money at Lane’s place. Hunger clawed at his belly. When he walked past a pizza place, his stomach rumbled and twisted. He needed food.
Maybe he should head into New York, but he didn’t have his subway card with him. He was screwed. He could walk over the bridge then beg for stuff. It was getting late though. Maybe he should go back to Lane’s. How in the world could he face his lover?
Desperation filled him as he wandered closer to the park near the waterway. It was colder, so he headed away from the area and wove through streets. He hadn’t brought his phone, so he had no idea where he really was. The temperature was dropping, and he wished he hadn’t left Lane’s place.
His eyes started to sting as he walked deeper into the city. People were walking together, happily holding hands as they chatted. If he could get his life together, he would be with Lane. But how could he put Lane through his crap? He could kill his lover and not even mean to.
After walking for another thirty minutes, he found a park and some benches. He sat and closed his eyes. At one point, he drifted off and woke chilled. The sun was down, and the moon wasn’t up. He was hidden in the shadows, which seemed like a good idea. He wasn’t the typical homeless person; he had money, but he couldn’t get it without having to face Lane. Maybe he was just like the rest of the homeless population. How many of them had been like him, making one too many mistakes that had gotten them kicked out? What if this was the catalyst that made him homeless. He hadn’t wanted to get treatment because he feared what that would mean, but it wasn’t the treatment he should have feared, it was the monster inside that needed help.
Time seemed to stand still as he watched the night from the shadows, keeping himself hidden as cars streamed past and people walked on by. He wasn’t like them, and he didn’t want anyone to see him. It was bad enough he’d disappointed Lane, he didn’t need everyone else to know how low he’d sunk.
15
Clay wound his way through the streets, searching for Mike. He felt terrible for Lane. His friend had been through so much. Sadness filled him. He knew Thomas was angry. He understood, but he also got that Mike was having issues.
Lane had sent a text a few minutes earlier, asking if anyone had had any luck finding Mike. He wished he’d been able to reply differently, but he had nothing.
They’d been on the trail for a little over five hours. Mike had been out here for a long time, not a full day, but long enough. It was nice that the officers Lane knew had put out a description, but no one had seen Mike.
Mike most likely hadn’t meant to hurt Lane, but his PTSD was out of control. Thomas was going to put his foot down; Clay knew it. There had to be something done to protect Lane.
After getting out of the military, he’d had issues. Nothing like what Mike had been through, but it wasn’t easy all the time. He wished he could have been there more for Mike. If he could have taken away some of the stress, maybe helped him out a little, it would have been better. Heck, they all would have given so much, done anything if they’d only known.
He loved his friends like brothers. Thomas was more to him, but the rest of the guys were his brothers. He only wanted what was good for them. Had he been able to do anything to help, he would have.
His phone buzzed; he looked at the screen and saw it was Lane. His heart squeezed before answering.
“Hey, did you find anything?” Lane asked.
He glanced around, wishing Mike would magically appear. “No, not yet.”
Lane sighed. “We should stop for the night.”
Lane sounded so depressed. It made Clay ache thinking Lane was hurting so badly.
“Not yet. I have one more area I want to look at. It’s not far, just a few more blocks, then I’ll c
ircle around and come back.”
Sadness grew at the sound of Lane blowing out a breath. “Okay. Thank you.”
“Hey, anything for you two.”
Lane hung up, and Clay searched the area, heading around a block before realizing he had no idea where Mike might have gone. He glanced at the map on his phone and saw he was close to Lane’s place. He only needed to turn left then walk five blocks before turning left again and walking two blocks. He wasn’t far, though he’d walked for hours. He must have gone down the same street more than once. This sucked.
Clay had gone a few blocks when he noticed there was a park one block over. Perhaps it had already been searched, but he was going to look at it anyway.
It was dark in the park, and he hesitated, wondering what he would run into. He didn’t want to get into a bad situation, but he felt compelled to look.
The shadows enveloped him as he walked deeper into the park. There were light poles, but they weren’t working. He paused at the sidewalk intersecting with his, wary about moving deeper into the park. He couldn’t see far into the darkness, but he wanted to make sure Mike wasn’t there. What if he was injured and couldn’t find help?
Clay kept walking, fear filling him as he moved. He made it to another sidewalk and almost turned back. He turned on his phone’s flashlight, hoping the light would keep him safe. Then he was in an area with benches, and he saw more than one hunched over form. The first person obviously wasn’t Mike. The second person glanced up, and he saw it wasn’t Mike. Then he saw another set of benches at the back of the area. He moved closer and saw a profile. The guy was sleeping, and he had to move closer to get a good look. His arms and legs tingled as fear raced through him. What ifs filled his mind, but then he saw the guy was Mike. His heart jumpstarted and thumped wildly.
His hands were shaking, and he had to take in a deep breath to steady himself. He tried to drop a pin on the map application, but he had to do it twice because of the shaking. He shared his location with his buddies, and the response was immediate. Lane asked if he was for real, and Clay noticed Mike was starting to move around.
Clay flipped off the light on his phone and kept typing, telling Lane he really had found Mike. He didn’t want to wake Mike until more of his guys were there. If Mike ran off he’d have no chance of catching him. But with the rest of his team close, he could stop Mike if he decided to make a dash.
Brent replied, saying he’d found an Uber to bring him to the location. Lane, Brent, and Jake were headed his way. He stayed quiet, watching Mike sleep. There were other people in the park, and he could hear some of them moving around. Fear still chilled him, but he wasn’t going to let anything take him away from Mike. After a little more than five minutes, he heard a car door slam and then saw a light bobbing in the distance.
Jake called out, “Hey, Clay, where are you?”
Another sleeping lump close by stirred. He heard people moving outside of his visual sphere. There was no telling who was out here, and he didn’t have any desire to get killed.
“Over here,” he called out as he waved his lit-up phone in the air. He dropped his phone to his side, but not before shining the light from the screen on Mike’s face.
The man was blinking his eyes, confusion filling his face. “Clay?”
Jake ran up, huffing, out of breath. “Mike, thank God we found you.” Jake still had his flashlight on so he could see everything a little easier.
“What are you two doing here?” Mike looked from him to Jake then back again. “How did you get here?”
“Mike, we came as fast as we could,” Jake said.
Clay moved close and squatted right next to him. “Mike, we’re here for you. I know you’ve been through a lot, and we want to help.”
“Oh God, I’m so sorry.” His eyes rounded, and he shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“We can talk about that later. Right now, we want to get you home.”
“I can’t go back. What I did was bad. I hurt him. I shouldn’t have hurt him. It was bad.”
“He loves you. He loves you so much.” Clay wanted Mike to understand he didn’t have to leave. He could go back to Lane and get help. “There are more advanced therapies. You can get in somewhere and maybe get some advanced treatments.”
“You guys know I never want to hurt Lane.” Mike grabbed Clay’s hand and held it tight. “Is Thomas here? He’s going to kill me.”
“He’s not here. And he won’t kill you. I’ll make sure of it.” No doubt if Thomas were here, his anger would have been hot. Hurting Lane ranked high on the ‘never do’ list for Thomas. Clay had accepted that Thomas and Lane had a special bond, which went beyond friendship, but they had never crossed into being lovers.
“Oh God, what do I do?” Mike said. “I need to get out of here.”
Clay reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Mike, you’re not going anywhere. Stay right here. Really, don’t move.”
“Lane is coming, and I can’t face him. He’s going to hate me. I can’t stand the thought of him hating me. What if he wants me to leave? What if he never wants to see me again?”
“Mike, stop,” Jake said.
Mike looked up at Jake, his mouth open, eyes wide. He still had his phone lights on so they could see, and it painted a stark picture of a terrified Mike and two fear-filled guys desperate to keep Mike there until Lane arrived.
Clay squeezed Mike’s shoulder. “I’m going to tell you straight: Lane loves you. You need help, and it’s fine, but Lane isn’t going to abandon you.”
Mike shook his head. “But I hurt him.”
“Yes, but you two are going to be fine. You’ll both be fine.” Clay just needed to keep Mike there for a few more minutes. Once Lane arrived, he was sure Mike would calm.
A car door slammed and he heard Lane call out. “Mike! Mike!”
“We’re over here,” Clay hollered.
“Shit, what do I do?” Mike asked.
Mike’s shoulders were tense, and Clay feared he would take off. By some miracle, Lane got there before Mike could run away. Brent was close on Lane’s heels and moved to stand beside Jake. Clay could see their love as they reached for each other, hands clasped tight.
“Mike, my God, I’ve been so worried about you,” Lane said.
Tears ran down Mike’s cheeks. He’d held it together until Lane got there, but now he was sobbing, his nose running.
“I’m so sorry.”
Clay wished Thomas was there with them, but he understood. Thomas had the fishing business to think of. He couldn’t pick up and leave without notice.
“Come home,” Lane said.
Clay feared they were going to have to force the issue, but Mike finally nodded. Relief filled Clay. He sent a text to Thomas telling him they’d found Mike, and he was going home.
16
Lane felt immense relief and fear. He couldn’t keep Mike home if he decided to run off on his own. If he wanted to get away, he was big enough to just go. Luck had shined on them this time, but what would happen next time? They could end up with Mike running so far away he’d never find him.
Thoughts raced through Lane’s mind as he tried to figure out what they could do next. If Mike wouldn’t go into treatment, there were few options. Mike could kill him if he really got the upper hand. He had no doubt that, in Mike’s mind, he was fighting men who deserved to die. It was hard for him to see his lover so torn up, but how could he be mad when his best friend in the whole world was going through so much?
Lane realized things had changed. He’d considered Thomas his best friend up until now. Thomas was close to him, but Mike was the person he loved above all others.
They were near the apartment, so he waited until they were inside to pull Mike into the circle of his arms.
“I’m so sorry,” Mike said for the hundredth time.
He knew they had much to talk about, but how and where to start?
Lane leaned back and tried to catch his gaze but Mike looked away. H
is body was stiff, and he was still crying.
“I love you. I’m fine, we’re going to figure this out.” Lane wished he could convince Mike everything would be okay.
Mike shook his head. “What I did was wrong. So wrong.”
“I want you to go stay at this place, not for long, just a few weeks. They can help you. Sharron sent the information in an email.”
Mike looked horrified. “God, Lane, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. We’ll get through this. Just promise me you won’t take off again.”
Mike was an open book, unguarded and unfiltered. Lane saw the pain, the regret, and the anger all displayed in his lover’s eyes. Mike was hurting something fierce. This wasn’t going to go away. They couldn’t ignore it.
After a long moment, Mike sighed and leaned his forehead against Lane’s.
“I swear I won’t leave,” Mike whispered.
“Thank you.” Happiness gushed through him, and tears seemed to appear out of nowhere. He was choked up, his mind racing. They had to get Mike into the facility Sharron suggested. Long term, he wasn’t sure what the answer was. Maybe this would help get Mike to the point he could sleep without fear of attacking.
Brent and Jake were moving to Florida, and Lane wished he could be there with them. If they lived closer, maybe Mike wouldn’t have such a hard time.
“We’re going to head to a hotel and get some sleep. Mike, please don’t run. Call us, call anyone, just don’t leave,” Brent said.
Mike nodded, and Lane held onto him tighter. Jake and Brent hugged him.
“I’ll sleep on the couch here,” Clay said.
“Okay.” Lane brushed a kiss over Mike’s forehead. “We’re going to bed. Thank you.”
Lane led Mike to the bathroom where he slowly stripped his lover, kissing his shoulders, his neck, each hand. It was quiet and sweet. Lane placed his hand under Mike’s chin, cupping it.
“You’re my world. Please don’t ever run out. We survived war together, we can survive this if you stay.”