“It’s my fault,” she said. “I do it because of Dad.”
“Well, stop it. You don’t need the reminder, okay? And Ryan’s a big boy. It sounds like he’s financially well taken care of now thanks to the new partner. And you letting him stay in Dad’s apartment is certainly a coup. What’s the rent for a two-bedroom that size on Madison? Six thousand a month?”
“Yes, about that,” she said, defeated. “Lisa, I’m sorry. I only accepted him because of you! You know that.”
“Well, it’s a good excuse as any to tell him you can’t see him anymore because of me.” Lisa leaned in to Pam and whispered, “I’m serious about Steve. We’re really hitting it off. I don’t want anything to ruin it, especially Ryan hanging around.”
“I don’t think Randy wants him here this weekend either. I’ll just text him back and tell him we’re busy. We are too, because we’re going down to your house.”
Lisa left the pantry. “All’s well,” she announced. “Our family is getting out of hand.”
They picked up the conversation about skiing again.
In midtown Manhattan, Ryan Maddox twiddled his thumbs, trying to think of something he could do on a Saturday afternoon. The snow put a crimp in his style, not able to flit around town looking for old friends or, better yet, old girlfriends. He’d avoided the office receptionist, Jennifer, after Peter asked him to. He missed her, too. She was like a wildcat in bed, into all the perverse stuff Ryan wanted to try on her and vice versa, but she was also smart and pretty and levelheaded about other things. She would make a good wife, and therein lay the problem—he hoped Lisa would come to her senses and let him come back. Pam’s rejection of him hurt, but he understood with Lisa living down the beach now, the proximity would be a problem. However, if he were married, if he appeared to have settled down, the proximity might cease to be an issue.
Giving up on rational thinking, he called Jennifer, not texted. Calling was going that extra mile to a girl. Er, a woman.
“What do you want?” she said, suspicious.
“Same old crap. I’m lonely and bored, and I think we should see a movie and have dinner.”
“You’re asking me on a date. Why doesn’t that ring true?”
“That’s not fair,” he whined.
“Usually, you come right out and say you want to fuck and bypass all the preliminary chat. Until Peter put the kibosh on it, that is.”
“Well, that’s not the case this time. Since you’re determined to embarrass me, I was just thinking about what a nice woman you are. You’re wild in bed, too. You have everything a man who wants to be married wants.”
Silence echoed across space for a moment.
“You want to be married.”
“Why do you keep repeating me like that? Yes, I want to be married. Shame on me. Plus my ego is taking a beating because I thought you loved me.”
“Ryan, I love you, okay? But you love Lisa.”
“Lisa is not available and will never be available. It’s a long story. If you and I get married, you’ll be privy to the details, but not until then.”
“Yikes! It must be huge to have to marry me to tell me!”
“You know I love you,” he said, ignoring her sarcasm.
He really did love her in a warm, fuzzy way. Maybe not like a passionate, I can’t live without her love, but he admired her, wanted to protect her, wanted a child with her kind of love. Wanted a child? No, that was definitely a miscalculation. He had two children ready to pop out. He didn’t need a third.
“Wow, you never said you loved me before.”
“Well, I love you. And on Monday, I hope you’ll go to the courthouse with me and get a marriage license.”
“You said you wanted dinner and a movie. You never said anything about getting a license.”
“No, we’ll get dinner and a movie now, the license during lunch on Monday.”
“Okay. Now I feel like a jerk. Why do you want to marry me?”
“I’m ready to start my life, and I want you by my side,” he said. “It sounds like a load of BS, but I really mean it. I have to tell you something, though. Maybe we should get together before the date to talk. You can decide if you want to get involved with me after you hear the news.”
“Ugh, I don’t like the sound of that.”
“You can decide when you arrive. I’ll send a car around. You’ll see what we did with Jack’s old apartment.”
“Okay, I’d like to see you. I’m sorry I’m giving you a rough time.”
“I’m used to it. Bring your clothes. It might turn into a permanent living situation.”
“Ryan, you just said I might not want to be involved with you after I hear what you have to say. What is it? Make up your mind.”
“My mind is made up, and once I make up my mind about something, I like to dive right in,” he said. “If you’ll excuse that vivid imagery.”
“Ha! Well, dive away. When’s the car coming?”
“I’ll call one now, and they’ll text you when they’re on the way.”
After they said goodbye, he got busy—ordered a car for her and, remembering diner food was her favorite, ordered her a club sandwich.
He straightened up the apartment, but didn’t have to do much because Pam had insisted he hire a cleaning service to keep the new decorating nice. All the ugly wallpaper and yellow carpeting had been replaced with a color the designer called pearls. A gray throw, a few taupe items, rustic pottery, and several pieces of artwork that Pam said had been Jack’s favorites, including framed sepia photos of New York he’d taken over the years, similar to what was in the office, finished it off.
All the furniture had been donated to charity, even the good tables and wingback chairs that the designer had begged her to keep.
“No, Ryan needs a fresh start. No one wants this old crap anyway,” she said, using uncharacteristic language. “Lisa might disagree, but I don’t want her burdened with it, either.”
When Pam left, the designer and Ryan, in cahoots, put the good stuff in storage. Someday, Ryan planned on having his own house, and items that belonged to Jack would have a place in it.
Although he wasn’t thinking about getting into bed with Jennifer, he took a shower anyway, laughing at himself when he realized his hygiene was mostly sex driven. Lisa had tried not to harp on it, but he knew that his lazy weekends where he could barely rouse himself to brush his teeth had been a problem for her. She didn’t come out and say it, but he knew that Jack had never lain around like a slug. He’d take the failures he’d had with Lisa and reverse them by not doing the same thing with Jennifer. And he’d allow her to be the sexual aggressor, at least for now.
When she texted that they’d arrived, he went out into the hall to greet her, realizing he was really excited about it and looked forward to seeing her again away from work. Holding his breath a little bit when the elevator doors slid open, he knew there might be a chance he’d be disappointed, but he wasn’t.
Jennifer was more like Lisa in appearance, fair, thin and medium height. But there it ended. Lisa had big breasts, and Jennifer was smaller on top, but she had a bigger butt. Remembering Maggie, who had neither, he was glad Jennifer had something to grasp on to. He was extremely attracted to her.
“Hey you,” he said, grabbing her after the driver dumped her bags and the doors slid closed.
Not a big kisser, Ryan was usually concentrating on what was between a woman’s legs, so seeing Jen and wanting to kiss her and then doing so passionately, trying to convey his feeling to her through that embrace, was new for him and exciting.
“Wow, I really missed you, and I’m really glad you’re here,” he said. Then he glanced at her pile of bags. “Jeez, you took me up on moving in.”
“Did you change your mind already?” she asked.
“No. As a matter of fact, I was just thinking about what it would be like sharing this space with you. I know you like your privacy.”
“I like it because I have none where I li
ve right now. I have an idea. It’s probably going to sound a little weird to you,” she replied.
“Go ahead,” he said, picking her bags up.
“This place has two bedrooms, correct?”
He nodded.
“Why don’t I use the spare room for my own? We can visit each other.”
He pulled her inside, putting her bags on the floor. “We can talk about it,” he said. “I was serious about getting married, too, and I don’t want to sleep alone.”
“Okay, it was just a thought. Wow, look at this place!” She walked through the public spaces, grinning from ear to ear. “After my dump and three roommates, this is palatial.”
“Remember, it’s only temporary. We can start looking for a place to buy as soon as we announce our…engagement, marriage, you tell me.”
“I thought we were going to get the license on Monday. You changed your mind that fast?”
“Ha! No, but then I thought you should probably have a little time to show off your engagement ring!”
He dropped to one knee and produced the red velvet box holding the ring he’d bought for Maggie, and opened it up for her. She was shocked, mouth hanging open, hands flying to her face, screaming approval.
Dropping on her knees in tears, Jennifer hugged him, almost knocking him over. He’d made the decision to ask her formally to get married because he had the ring, and suddenly it seemed like the right thing to do. Maggie had been dead long enough. No one in his current circle knew of her, and her parents hated his guts, so they wouldn’t be a problem. Lisa and Pam and Alison might be the only objections, and he didn’t care at that moment.
“So you’re happy, heh?” he asked, smiling.
“Thrilled! You’re pretty sneaky,” she said, looking at her hand. “I had no idea. Zero. You barely talk to me in the office.”
“It’s an issue with Peter because of past problems with, well, with me, I guess. So, no fraternization.”
“Ugh. What will he say if we’re married? That sounds like a big issue.”
“When we get married, you won’t have to work, so you can quit the job, and then it really won’t be a problem.”
“I’ve never not had to work. What will I do with myself?”
“You’ll find something,” Ryan said. “Don’t worry about it, though. Think of the possibilities.”
“Show me around,” she said, changing the subject. “I love this place. I just thought—no more subway to work!”
“Nope, you’ll ride with me.”
Monday morning, after sleeping in the same bed and having what would be considered normal sex for Ryan, Jennifer went off to the spare bedroom. She would make it her personal space, use that bathroom and closet, but sleep in Ryan’s bed.
Since he was the first one ready that morning, he poured the coffee she’d started the night before, and made toaster strudel for himself. She’d have fruit salad that she’d bought when they went to the grocery store.
“I can’t eat that crap,” she’d said when he pulled the box out of the display case. “You shouldn’t either.”
“I want my ring back,” Ryan had said, getting four boxes of the pastries and throwing them in the cart.
“Baby,” she said, pushing the cart away, her nose in the air. “I’ll be in the vegetable department where the adults shop.”
Standing in the checkout line brought out more of their relationship dynamic.
“When we get home, I’m going to fuck you,” he whispered, “since I was too drunk last night to do a proper job.”
“Whatever, Ryan,” she said, shooing him away.
“All the romance goes the minute she says I do.”
She laughed, standing on her toes to kiss him. “Poor baby.”
They struggled with their bags, walking home in the snow.
“I think I made a smart move, proposing to you,” he said.
“And why is that?”
“Because I just realized how independent you are. You don’t live with mommy and daddy, you work for a living, and the crowning achievement…you don’t have a baby daddy.”
“Can you imagine? Between your two that are on the way? No thanks.”
After the grand tour of the apartment on Saturday, Ryan had told Jennifer that Lisa was pregnant with his baby.
“You took it well. Thank you,” he said, and then added sincerely, “I was really worried I’d lose you.”
“Ryan, you were living with her. You were in love. It’s okay. I hope we can have one of our own.”
“We will, but I have to figure out how it’s done.”
She stopped in the snow. “Excuse me? You know.”
“I mean safely. You know I’m HIV positive. We can’t do it the normal way.”
“How can we do it, then?” she asked, concerned.
“If my viral load is low enough, we can have unprotected sex. You’d take the pills prophylactically, as well. Or I can have my sperm washed, and then you’d have artificial insemination with my sperm. That doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s the safest way.”
“Okay, as long as we can have children, I don’t care. If we can’t, it’s something I will have to deal with. You want to marry me, and that’s all I care about right now.”
They trudged through the snow up Madison Avenue.
“Last week if you’d told me I was going to move to this neighborhood, I’d have laughed in your face.”
“Your place isn’t so bad,” he said.
“It’s terrible. Four women in a one-bedroom apartment is criminal. We had two sets of twin beds jammed into a space that wasn’t big enough for a double bed. Having my own closet and bathroom—heaven.”
“I was serious about making love to you tonight.”
“Oh! We’re going to make love, are we? I’m not sure what that entails,” Jennifer answered.
“No handcuffs or nooses for starters. Can you handle it?”
“I’ll love it,” she said.
“You won’t get bored?”
“We’ll probably do it more often and I’ll probably like it better. Less preparation with the props. I want to get in bed with my jammies on and have my hot fiancé want to make love to me anyway.”
“You could wear a sack and I’d still want you,” Ryan said. “I really do love you, Jennifer.”
“Ah, Ryan, you’re so sweet. But next time you want to shop, call a car.”
Bundling up against the near zero temperatures on Monday, Ryan and Jennifer left the building together, and he held the car door while she climbed in after he told the driver to stay put.
“I’m not going to survive this,” he said, shivering.
“I told you to wear a warmer coat. You need a down-filled ankle length like I have on. I know I look like a snowman in this, but I’m toasty.”
“You look adorable,” he said. “I’ll get a warmer coat. I keep thinking the cold weather is a fluke, and it gets worse every year.
“So I guess I have to leave you alone today.”
“No, you don’t,” Jennifer said. “We have to show everyone my ring. I’m not losing out on that excitement, plus I want gifts.”
“We don’t need gifts from work associates.”
“Yes, we do. They’ll give us gift cards,” she said, beaming. “I love gift cards.”
The minute they walked into the office together, the gossips were abuzz. Randy, who was loitering in the hallway, heard Ryan make their exciting announcement and approached the happy couple.
“Well, this is certainly a surprise,” Randy said. “Is this why you wanted to come out on the island yesterday?”
“I wasn’t going to say anything to Pam about the engagement quite yet. I imagine she’s furious with me about Lisa being pregnant and all, and I—”
“Lisa’s pregnant?” Randy asked, aghast.
Fumbling, Ryan pushed Randy into his office. “Yikes, maybe Pam was keeping it a secret for a while longer,” Ryan said, bright red and steaming. “Jesus, Randy! I would never
have breathed a word if I’d known!”
“I don’t think she knows,” Randy said, rubbing his chin. “Have coffee with me.”
He led the way to the lounge and closed the door. He poured a cup for himself, and when he nodded to Ryan, he said no.
“I wonder why Lisa is keeping it a secret,” Ryan said, stymied. “She’s due in June.”
“Why’d she break up with you?” Randy asked.
“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”
“I think I do,” Randy said. “There are altogether too many secrets in this family.”
Ryan felt Randy’s compassion, including him in the family. He’d made sure Ryan had a good job so he’d be able to support Lisa, and then Lisa had broken up with him. How much of the truth did Randy need?
“There’s no reason for you to know this, trust me. It would hurt Pam. Probably devastate her. It’s so far in the past that it’s irrelevant.”
“It involves Jack, then,” Randy said, watching him.
“Yes. It involves Jack. I knew Jack long before I knew he was my father. He was an adjunct professor at NYU in the art and architecture department. We were very close.”
That was all Ryan had to say. Surprisingly, he choked a little bit, an audible sob, and he wiped his nose with the back of his hand, like a boy would. Randy’s heart went out to him. Knowing what he knew about Jack’s depravity, he could only imagine.
“So Lisa couldn’t deal with that,” Randy said.
“She doesn’t trust me around her kids. I’ll be honest, I’m afraid of them. I guess I don’t trust myself.”
“For God’s sake, Ryan, get some help.”
“Yes, I think I should, for Jennifer’s sake.”
“Do you love her? I always saw you and Lisa together. It was clear that was love.”
“No, I don’t think it was real. See us as siblings, and that romantic picture will explode. We’re brother and sister.”
“I just remembered Alison!” Randy said, shocked. “You’re busy!”
“Yes, or I will be soon. So Jennifer knows it all and still wants me. Maggie couldn’t deal with it, so she slit her wrists in my apartment. Gee, thanks, Maggie, you pig.”
Surprised at Ryan’s remark, Randy sputtered, chuckling before he could compose himself. “What should I do with this information about Lisa?”
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