by Laura Landon
It was revealed over dinner that the men had been hired to pose as Penderly footmen. In reality they would guard Penderly’s town house, seal up every possible entrance to prevent anyone from entering the house after Major Talbot arrived with Jonathan. Austin was taking his promise to keep Jonathan safe very seriously.
That knowledge should reassure her that Jonathan would be in no danger once he arrived in London. But she wouldn’t breathe easily until this was over and the assassin had been apprehended.
She followed the stone path to a small pond near the back of the garden, where it was the most peaceful. She’d discovered this spot earlier when she’d needed to escape the confines of the house and had come here to be alone.
A full moon reflected its brilliance on the still water. The stars were out in all their glory, twinkling reminders that someone greater than any earthly mortal was in control of the universe and everyone in it. A gentle breeze whispered through the leaves as if to comfort her from her fears.
She sat on one of the granite benches near the edge of the pond and tried not to think of how much she yearned to have Austin’s fingers clasped with hers, how much she ached to have his arm around her to shield her and protect her.
A noise behind her startled her to her feet.
“Are you all right?” he said.
She saw him and her heart shifted. “Yes, fine. I just came out here to…”
“I know. To escape from the terrors you’ve already had to face, and the ones you’re afraid might still be in your future.
He stepped closer to her, once again understanding her perfectly.
“Do you sometimes feel that way too?”
“At times.”
“What do you do when everything seems to crash down around you?”
“I run. Sometimes for miles. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes until my chest and my sides ache so badly I don’t think I can take another step. Just like the young man you talked about from Wakemoor, the handsome young man people see running through the countryside at night.”
“Does that help?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Only a little. I’ve found that no matter how far I run, it’s impossible to outrun fear.”
She studied his features and pictured him running through London, running where and when no one could see him. “Are the nights worse for you, too? Everything always seems more frightening in the dark.”
“It seems that way. That’s when I run the most.”
“Where do you run?”
“In St. James, mostly. Through the deserted streets before anyone is about.”
She looked into his face. His features appeared drawn. There was a tightness around his mouth and a hollowness in his eyes. She wanted to ask him more, but what kept him awake at night didn’t seem to be any of her business. Except, she wanted it to be. She hoped if he ever felt the need to talk about it, he’d feel like he could talk to her.
As if to draw her attention away from him, he held out his arm. “Walk with me.”
Sarah looped her arm through the bend at his elbow and strolled with him down the path. They didn’t speak, but she didn’t need there to be words between them. She was content being in his company. Words would have intruded on what she considered a blissful connection that united them.
They walked around the pond until they reached a small gazebo set back beneath two huge shade trees. She hadn’t seen this earlier and was amazed at the beauty of the area surrounding the structure.
She stepped up the single step and walked across the wooden flooring. When she reached the far side, she sat on a cushioned bench. Austin sat beside her.
“I haven’t had a chance to thank you.”
Sarah lowered her gaze. She knew what he was talking about.
“I know how difficult it was to tell Lord and Lady Penderly about their grandson.”
“Do you?”
He hesitated, then answered, “Perhaps I don’t.”
Sarah looked up. “Will Jonathan be all right?”
“Are you asking if he’ll be safe once we bring him to London? If you are, then yes. He will be guarded so closely no one will be able to harm him.
“If you’re asking whether or not he’ll benefit from being brought up as the Earl of Penderly’s heir, I can predict that he’ll be one of the most doted on grandsons in all of England. He’ll also be one of the most loved.”
She smiled. Austin was right. She knew Lord and Lady Penderly would love and cherish Jonathan more than any child could be treasured. Their world would revolve around him. And hers would too.
She envisioned her life once Jonathan was no longer in danger. She would be with him every day from now on. She’d be there to care for him, and watch him grow. She’d be there to teach him everything she would have taught her own children. And most important of all, Jonathan would never have to go without, as he might have, had she attempted to raise him on her own.
He could live his life to his full potential, taking his rightful place in Society.
When the day came that Jonathan was grown and on his own, she would make sure she’d saved enough money to buy a house where she could live out the remainder of her life without worries. She’d make sure she’d stored enough memories of Jonathan as a babe, then Jonathan as a young man, then Jonathan as an adult, to sustain her as she grew old. This is what she’d dreamed her life would be, and the Earl of Penderly was granting her most of what she’d always dreamed of having.
Only one thing marred her future. Austin wouldn’t be in it. She rose and walked to the pillared railing. The smooth water on the pond swam before her tear-filled eyes. She wasn’t sure what she would do when she left with Lord Penderly and Austin stayed behind. But she’d manage. Somehow she’d survive.
She wrapped her arms around her middle to protect herself from the pain.
He was suddenly with her. “What is it, Sarah?”
His arm wrapped around her shoulders, his caress warm and comforting against her flesh. She felt safe when he was with her, wanted nothing more than to lean into him and have him hold her.
She chided herself for her foolishness. She shouldn’t allow herself to be drawn to him like she was. Yet she couldn’t mistake his feelings for her, even if any emotion he thought he felt wasn’t love but indebtedness because she’d told Penderly about Jonathan.
He placed his hands on either side of her shoulders and turned her so she faced him. “Are you all right?”
She nodded but there was no enthusiasm in her action. “I suppose I’m just missing Jonathan. I’ve had him with me every day since he was born.”
He pulled her to him and held her close. “He’ll be here soon,” he whispered.
She knew she should step away from him, knew allowing him to hold her was a mistake. She didn’t want to be drawn to him, didn’t want her heart to run a race because he was near. Didn’t want to battle the confusion inside her when he looked at her. But most of all, she didn’t want to watch for him to enter a room when she was in it. Didn’t want to miss him when he was away from her. Didn’t want to feel incomplete because he wasn’t with her. Because he wouldn’t always be near her. She would go with Jonathan and he would—
Her heart suddenly felt as if it weighed more than she could carry. It was suddenly imperative that she know as much about him as she could before she walked out of his life.
“Talk to me, Austin. Tell me about you. Tell me what haunts you, what role you played during the war, what—”
His muscles tightened about her.
“Why are you interested in the war?”
“I’m not. I’m interested in what you did during the war.”
“Nothing important, I assure you.”
“I think it was. Liddy said—“
“Liddy talks too much.”
“She said the war changed you.”
“War changes everyone.”
“But some more than others. Do you ever talk about it?”
“I try not t
o.”
“Oh.” She paused. She wanted to ask more questions but this was obviously a topic he didn’t talk about—or perhaps he only talked about the war with people he knew better than he knew her.
She wanted him to feel he could share with her what he’d gone through during the war, and felt hurt because he didn’t. But she was being foolish. She was the one who wanted there to be more between them than there was, not him.
She looked up and met his gaze. “Why haven’t you married?”
He looked startled by her question.
“Liddy said you could have had your pick of any female in London Society if you’d asked.”
“Like I mentioned before, Liddy talks too much.”
“Liddy loves you. She wants you to be happy.”
“Liddy thinks because she’s happy being married, everyone will be.”
“But you’re convinced you won’t be?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Something like that.”
“Is it because of the war, because of something that happened during the war?”
“Let’s just say the war taught me how ill suited I am for marriage.”
Sarah’s heart stilled. She didn’t consider him ill suited for marriage. In fact, she considered him the perfect choice for a husband and father. He would make some woman very happy.
“I hope you change your mind some day and find a woman who will make you happy,” she said.
“Do you?”
She nodded, then leaned against him.
His heart beat a steady thrumming beneath her ear and she reacted to it with a certain amount of pain. The day would come when she would no longer be close enough to lean against him, to hear the beat of his heart echo within her.
Her heart ached with a longing that made her breath catch.
“You’re terribly quiet,” he said. “And you’re trying to be brave.”
“I’m not brave. I’m frightened. And I feel as if my world is falling apart.”
He placed his finger beneath her chin and brought her face up until she looked him in the eyes. “Always remember that if you feel as if you’re falling, I’ll be here to catch you. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you.”
She looked into the warm, midnight blue of his eyes and knew she was losing her grasp on reality. She’d never been so alive as she was at this moment. And all because of his touch. His nearness.
She studied him, memorized every feature of his ruggedly handsome face. As she collected each and every detail, she filed everything about him in the secret compartment she’d hollowed out just for him. There was nothing about him she wanted to forget, nothing about him—his smell, his feel, the sound of his voice—nothing she wanted to risk losing.
She took in the vivid blue of his eyes, the wide arch of his nose, his high, sharply defined cheek bones, and the strong line of his jaw. She wanted to imprint his image on her memory forever so when she was old and gray she could close her eyes and picture him as he looked today.
“Sometimes I think there is no bottom to what you have hidden inside you,” he said, moving his gaze from her eyes to her lips. “Sometimes I think you see the parts of me I’ve never allowed anyone to see. Sometimes I think even my darkest secrets aren’t safe from you.”
“Would that be so terrible?”
He smiled. “Only for you.”
“I haven’t led a pampered life. I am stronger than you think. I held my mother’s hand when she died, and my father’s. I sat by Lady Fledgemont’s bedside while she willed herself to die and was helpless to give her the will to live. I fought off an assassin and survived a bullet. I’m quite certain I could survive your secrets, too.”
“Do you know how special you are?”
Her breathing raced. “I don’t feel special. I feel—”
“How, Sarah? How do you feel?”
His demanding sigh washed over her and she gasped to catch a breath. “Confused. Anxious. Desperate.”
He lowered his head until his mouth was close to hers. He was going to kiss her and she wouldn’t discourage him. She was hungry for the feel of his lips against hers, for the taste of his mouth over hers, for the strength of his tongue as it battled hers.
“Desperate for what?”
Her heart shifted in her breast. “For you. Please…”
“Yes,” he whispered, then lowered his head a few more inches and pressed his mouth to hers.
A chaos of fireworks lit inside her and its brightness shook her to her very core. Her heart overflowed with emotion. She lifted her arm and wrapped it around his neck, then pulled him closer.
His tongue skimmed her lips, demanding entry, and she opened for him.
He deepened his kiss, each entreaty more insistent than the last. She wanted him like she’d never wanted anyone or anything in her life. She ached for him with a greater desperation than she thought she could possess. She needed what he had to offer with a hopefulness that sent her senses spiraling.
She gave in to his kisses with such abandon that her emotions were almost beyond control.
How had she let herself want him with such desperation? When had it happened? She wasn’t some innocent young girl, unable to stop herself from giving in to passion. She’d often scoffed at the very idea. Now she knew what a fool she’d been.
She was no longer young, nor was she naïve. She should be strong enough to control her emotions. But she wasn’t. She was as reckless as a green young girl who tasted fine wine for the first time—and couldn’t get enough of it. She was in over her head and was about to drown.
Her breathing rushed out as harsh and jagged as Austin’s. He lifted his lips from hers, groaned out a tormented moan, then brought his lips back down. His hands roamed over her body, touching her in places no man had ever touched. Her exhilarated flesh sang.
“Ah, Sarah,” he said, kissing her softly on the forehead and each cheek, then on her neck at her shoulder.
A thousand wonderful sensations spiraled through her, each one shooting hues of delight that made her feel as if she were leaping from star to star in the heavens. Of all the emotions she’d experienced in her life, none had been so thrilling. She gathered each delirious sensation because she didn’t want the euphoria that surrounded her to ever go away.
Unfortunately, she knew her fairytale world would have to end. Her future wasn’t with Austin. She couldn’t let him think it was.
She stilled her heart.
“Now it’s my turn to be sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have let you kiss me like that.”
“Why?”
She tried to laugh—but couldn’t. “When a woman allows a man to kiss her the way I let you kiss me, she hints that she’s open to more serious intentions. I want to assure you that my actions didn’t carry that meaning.”
“Of course not,” he said. “I know the part Jonathan plays in your life—in your future. I would never expect you to consider a future without him in it. And, I could never offer you a future like you want. In fact, I couldn’t offer you any kind of future at all.”
“I expect nothing from you, Austin. My life is with Jonathan. It always has been.”
A blast of frigid air slammed against her heart the second her words left her mouth. Why did it suddenly sound so wrong? She knew Austin would never be part of her future—and yet…
A part of her wished she’d be free to consider anything he might offer. Except she wasn’t. And she would live with regrets for the rest of her life.
She gathered her courage and stepped away from him. She took another step and forced a smile to lift the corners of her mouth. “It’s late. I think I’ll return to the house.”
“I’ll walk you back.”
He held out his arm but she pulled away from him. “No, please. I can return on my own.”
The moon shone just bright enough that she saw a frown darken his features. “Are you sure?” he asked.
“Of course. I’d like to be alone for a while.”
> He nodded. “Once Jonathan is here, everything will return to normal.”
“Yes, everything will be fine once he comes.”
She turned before he saw the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes, then walked away from him. Nothing would ever be normal again, nothing would ever be fine, because she may have been assured of a place with Jonathan, but she’d lost a part of her heart.
And a future with the man she realized she loved.
…
I could never offer you a future like you want.
Austin watched Sarah walk away from him and regretted the lies he’d told her. But how could he declare himself? How could he expect her to choose him over Jonathan? The child had been hers from the day he was born.
He placed both palms against the wooden railing that ran the perimeter of the gazebo and looked out onto the small pond. Since the day he discovered that Jonathan existed, a heavy weight had been lifted from his chest. He would finally be able to give Penderly the son he’d taken from him.
The guilt over what he’d done in France was finally melting away and he wasn’t about to add more guilt. He could never be so selfish as to expect Sarah to give up the child she loved and spend her life with him.
He pushed himself away from the railing and let his lungs fill with the warm summer air. He would store away the love he felt for her, grateful that at least he could take it out whenever he needed, to remind him that his heart wasn’t dead. That it was alive enough to love…
…even if that love could never be returned.
Chapter 19
Sarah stood at the window overlooking the street that ran in front of the Earl of Etherington’s town house and smoothed the skirt of her yellow muslin day dress. It was one of the gowns Lydia had brought with her from Southerby and left with Sarah because her only dress was ruined when she was shot.