by R. F. Allie
I turned, not knowing what I should've apprehended.
In front of the door, I could barely distinguish Evelyn's face; but recognized her peplum dress; she was standing with three men and a police officer.
It took me a moment to realize that one of the men was Landon. Since I had his jacket, he was standing in his dress shirt.
I stood on shaky legs, the new heels were hurting me, so I took them off and run to the door.
"Don't do that boo, you could hurt yourself."
Ryan chased after me.
I quickened my pace towards the station. I stumbled into a car. I was still unfocused, my thoughts incoherent.
It felt like that night with Caden happened seconds ago.
He could still hurt me, he could still scare me.
The realization in itself felt like a violent stab.
Ryan's hand grabbed mine as we crossed the street and he steadied my pace with his.
Landon and the other guy were still talking with Evelyn.
"Oh thank god."
Ryan breathed out. I raised my head back up and followed his gaze; Jude was the one standing behind the officer.
All the worry and burdening feeling left me and I climbed the stairs running towards him, and buried my face in his chest.
At that moment; I felt like no one understood what I'd been feeling, except for him.
Jude was the only man in my life that truly understood me. We've been through so much together, and he never let me down.
Tears of relief prickled my eyes. It had been the scariest hours of my life. I wouldn't take a guess at how much time had passed, but it felt like the longest wait in my entire life.
It took me to another time, another period of our lives.
Jude had faced lots of problems before, especially back in France. Admittedly, he was a troubled adolescent, angry at the world and the injustice he had been through. But over the years, things had changed. He'd learned to focus on important things, started visualizing a brighter future for himself and worked hard to claim his success. He never pushed people, but rather pushed himself, and I always admired him for that.
That was why, I was horrified by the idea that anything could happen to him. Even more than I would've been for myself.
He wrapped his arms around me in a bone-melting embrace. He needed it too. I could feel it, no one could ever understand him as much as I did either.
I still had no idea what happened between him and Caden, but I was certain that he was pushed beyond his limits. And his embrace confirmed my thoughts. I returned his hug, hoping that the bit of strength I had left was enough for him to comprehend that I was right there with him and that I loved him more than anything in the world.
"Thank you, I have no idea how this happened, but you have my eternal gratitude."
Ryan's tone showed that he meant his words.
I didn't hear an answer, but I was suddenly aware of something powerful hanging in the air around me.
It was something revealing, yet I couldn't explain it.
I wanted to keep still in Jude's arms. He was silent, didn't say any word, but his silence was self-explanatory to me. I stroke his back and pressed myself against him one last time before letting go.
When I raised my eyes to his level, I saw something I hadn't expect to see.
When I took the decision to let Landon take care of his situation, I knew I'd get myself into trouble so I expected a certain level of anger, but I knew he'd understand eventually. Instead, I found immediate relief and a level of comprehension I would've never pretended to expect.
I brushed the disturbance I felt at the revelation. I didn't want to read too much into it, I had a feeling it had something to do with Landon, and since I was prepared to lose him, I put it on hold until I get a chance to apologize and thank him.
Which were probably the last things I'll do with the man I'd irrevocably and totally fell in love with.
As soon as I let go of my friend, his partner threw himself at him.
Ryan kept a good attitude about the whole situation. He'd only heard stories about Jude's youth and used to joke about 'the meditation-guru' and the unlikelihood that he had any violent fiber in his body.
So witnessing the whole situation had to be shocking to him.
I stood next to Evelyn. The looks I got from the others told me that I offered an interesting spectacle around me tonight.
The thought was abhorring.
I avoided Landon's gaze. I knew that if I looked at him, I'd lose what was left of my density. I had no idea what he thought about the whole situation and couldn't bring myself to look at him and see any signs of disdain or disappointment.
I had to remain calm and accept that I'd lost the man I gave myself to; body and soul.
It was only at that moment had I realized that I was prepared for this ever since the day I'd met him. I destroyed a family and now I was reaping the repercussions of my actions.
"Well, I must say it."
The little Asian lawyer broke the awkward silence and we all turned our attention to him.
He was addressing Landon, who was hovering more than a few inches over him.
God, he was so beautiful.
"I've heard bits of tales about your way around the law. Witnessing it, is a whole other story Mr. Davis."
Landon nodded. I only took a quick glance. His eyes were watching me intently. It sent shivers through my body. I hugged his jacket around me and looked at my naked feet against the ground.
"It will be refreshing to have a shark in the small lawyer pond that is this city.”
The other man continued without receiving any attention from Landon.
"It will be nothing short of an adventure."
Evelyn announced.
I wasn't sure what they were talking about. I was tired and couldn't understand any of their talk. I felt a buzzing next to my hip. I took my phone out of my clutch. It was my mother.
"Let's go."
Landon addressed the general presence, but I could feel his eyes on me. My heart felt heavy.
That was it.
I’ll thank him and say my goodbyes to him.
When I gathered my courage to talk, he silently gestured for me to stand next to him.
I conceded and moved to his side.
"Calvin will drive you back to my house."
He said to Jude and the others, grabbing the small of my back.
"Clea and I will join you shortly."
His voice was stern and his words were terse.
It was my commandeering lover.
"I'll just be at the hotel, we need to get there early."
Evelyn squeezed his hand and gave me a gaze I couldn't discern.
It felt compassionate.
He just nodded again.
We said our goodbyes to the others and walked back to his car.
We've been circling around the city for an hour. Landon didn't say a word after he’d admonished my naked feet and the possibility of getting hurt stepping on something.
I didn't know what to say, where to start.
So I kept silent..
I didn’t see the point in wasting so much time; he didn’t speak to me, nor looked at me for that matter. I was a ball of tension and anxiety; I wanted him to say something; anything.
But all I got was endless sighs and clenched jaw.
Every time he took a breath in; I thought he was going to finally talk, my heart stopped each time.
But I was scared to say anything.
What would I say?
I dated my professor; he was married and had a child on the way. His wife found out about us and came to confront him and had a miscarriage.
He knew all that already.
But why wasn’t he speaking?
In truth I was a little relived, despite my brooding state; I could use the delay and contemplate what was going to happen next.
It hurt me to think that I won’t see him again, that he’d never get to know
how I felt about him, that I’d never wake up in his warm arms wrapped around me.
Landon knew; he knew I was a home-wrecker.
That was what I was called around my old campus. When I’d filed the restraining order against Caden; it went public. The school had him suspended and reviewed my grades with other professors. I still had the same notations but had to face some sanctions.
It wasn’t bad for me; I’d aced all my exams and had one of the highest GPA’s in a renowned school. Caden on the other hand, he’d been put in a very delicate position.
They suspended him for the rest of the semester; and with the charges I’d filed against him; it got worse and they fired him.
He still managed to get a professor position at another school; they’d been begging him to join them, and since I’d dropped the charges by then; the restraining order was the only thing that remained and it wasn’t public.
I graduated in absentia; especially when I’d been encouraged to drop the valedictorian speech from the school administration.
It had been hard to face any of my friends on Campus; other than Mia and Faith. All the other girls had been stabbing me with dirty looks and gossip.
It’d started before the exams; I couldn’t bear to stay inside the apartment; spent some nights at Mia’s place then moved back to the boy’s room during exam week.
After my last day; I took the first plane and head to visit my father.
Caden didn’t budge; he still called me and sent texts and e-mails. At first they were cutting and hurtful; he’d called me all sorts of things.
Then the emails got apologetic and he begged me to meet him.
After that I’d stopped reading them altogether.
It got better with time; and with all the travels and distractions I stopped thinking about him. At first I couldn’t even sleep without freaking out. I’d had nightmares about that night, the violence, the despiteful look in his eyes, his wife bathing in her blood. I’d wake up in the middle of the night sweating, and unable to breathe.
Every time I closed my eyes I remembered all the mockery and insults I’d gotten from people; and it build my guilt.
It took me a while to make peace with it; I’d accepted what I’d done and tried my best to move on.
I was finally happy; I’d met Landon and fell in love without even realizing it. I gave myself to him, my body and my heart. I was scared; it was an indelible feeling. I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough for him.
I knew I wasn’t.
I didn’t deserve such an amazing man. Especially after I’d broken a family; if she didn’t get to be happy again, I didn’t deserve to be either.
Alyssa’s words echoed in the back of my brain.
‘I wish you a life of eternal misery.’… ‘You killed my baby; you killed my sweet angel.’ … ’You’re a whore.’
She’d left me all kinds of angry voicemails before Jude had convinced to change my number.
I deserved to lose Landon.
But I loved him.
It was undeniable for me; every time I see him; my heart stops beating and then pounds out of my chest. Every time he looked at me; I felt beautiful and deserving. He was so gentle and attentive. When we’re together he’d never let go of my hand; he never missed on an occasion to show me his affection. He was tactile and affectionate.
And the sex; it was celestial.
It was intangible and unexpected. Sometimes it was angry and intense; other times, it was intimate and soft. But always passionate. I’d unraveled in him and with him.
And our rules; I was going to miss them most.
He’d captured me; with his eyes and passion. I was no longer going to be his…
He was going to un-claim me.
I swallowed the throttle in my throat and pushed the tears that prickled my eyes.
I was surprised to find myself in front of New York General. I hadn’t been giving any attention to where we were heading; but didn’t expect a hospital.
I blinked in confusion; but didn’t ask him what we were doing there.
He stopped the engine and unbuckled his seatbelt.
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. I was too afraid to face him; too humiliated.
Why did he bring me there? I’d rather he’d let me thank him for getting Jude out and let me go. I couldn’t decipher the purpose of all that.
Landon turned to me; it was the first time I’d gazed into his eyes since we’d left the police station.
They were dark; uncommonly angry.
If I’d thought I’d seen him angry all those times I’d defied his rules or contradicted him; then I’d been furiously wrong.
His jaw clenched tentatively and repeatedly.
He had so many things to say; I could tell by his breathing.
“Wait here.”
He finally ordered and got out of the car.
Landon slammed the car door so hard I’d thought it would land in my lap and disappeared behind the ER entrance.
What was he doing at the hospital at three in the morning?
Most importantly why was he dragging me there with him?
It was torturing, and demeaning.
When I spotted a cab making its way toward the entryway; I just jumped out of the car and called after it.
I couldn’t’ care less if they’d stolen the freakin’ car.
If Landon thought that I wasn’t already prepared for this; he didn’t knew me at all. I was conditioning a part of me to what might have happened once Landon would learn about my past.
There was no need for him to drag me around the city and ignore me for more than an hour.
On top of that he drags me on whatever business he had.
I call Jenna to check on where they were.
“Clea I’m so sorry; please forgive me. I didn’t give it much attention. It was stupid of me; I just selected your favorite contacts and sent them to the security of the building. I’m so terribly sorry; I freaked out because when just when I was sending the invitations; you got home. Are you angry?”
She didn’t give me the chance to say anything. Her tone was full of guilt and she sounded worried.
“It’s fine Jenna; I knew it must’ve slipped you. It’s my fault I should’ve deleted him from the list.”
I admitted.
“Where are you?”
I asked quickly.
“I’m still at the penthouse with Simon, Ryan and Jude.”
I frowned; it was three in the morning.
“Where’s mom?”
“She’s staying with dad at his hotel.”
She announced hesitantly.
I needed to get used to the situation.
“What about you? Should we wait for you or are you spending the night here? Jude doesn’t want to leave without you.”
“Um… No, I’m in a cab; I’ll meet you home.”
“Cab? Why are you in a cab? Where’s Landon?”
I couldn’t hold the tears anymore.
“He dragged me to a hospital; he didn’t say a word to me Jenna; it’s over.”
“Oh my god Clea; I’m so sorry. But why the hospital? Are you okay?”
“I don’t know; he’s been ignoring me ever since we’d gotten out of the police station; and then he stopped us in front of the hospital and asked me to wait for him. I couldn’t… I can’t… It hurts so much. It’s over.”
I hung up the phone, unable to speak another word.
I sobbed all my frustration and sadness.
It was over.
My phone buzzed; it was Jude.
I breathe in and answer it.
“Boo; which hospital did he take you to?”
I wiped my nose.
“Why?”
“Is it New York General?”
I frowned.
“Yes why?”
“Get back there boo!” He ordered softly;
“Caden is in their ER.” He added.
What?
“Boo can you h
ear me? Hey listen we didn’t get the chance to talk; but trust me; you need to get there.”
Jude insisted.
“Now Clea; get back there quickly.”
I didn’t know what was happening; but Jude urging tone got to me and I asked the driver to turn head back.
“What the hell is going on Jude? Why is Landon going to see Caden?’
I asked baffled by the whole situation.
“It’s too long to explain; all you have to know is that Landon was fuming when he heard the story. He didn’t actually ask questions; he just let me explain the highlights insisting I give you the chance to explain on your own. But he’d insisted to know where Caden had been admitted to. I’m sure he went there to see him.”
Oh my god.
“But why?”
My voice was small.
“I don’t know boo; just go and talk to him.”
He paused.
“He really loves you Clea.”
Jude’s voice was a bare whisper.
“Hold on I have another call.”
It was Landon’s cell; I answered it.
“Where the fuck did you go?”
He rampaged angrily; it made my ears clang.
“I’m sorry; I’m on my way back. Just two minutes away.”
My stomach clenched. I had no idea what he went doing there; I had no idea what was going to happen.
“When will you start listening to me Clea? For fuck sake; I asked you to wait.”
“I’m sorry.”
I repeated softly.
The hospital building was in my line of sight; I hung up the phone and got out my card to pay the cab. I was shaking nervously.
It was chilly; I’d left his jacket in the car and my backless dress was far from warm.
Landon pulled the door open and extended his hand to me. I took it none-too-confidently and got out of the car.
He put his arms around me and swore.
“Fuck Clea; you’re freezing.”
He stroked me; sending warm jolts through my skin.
“Get inside.”
He ordered softly.
He tugged me inside the car and pulled his jacket over my shoulders. The gesture made my heart ache. I wanted to know what was happening with him; with us. Why did he go to see Caden?
More importantly; what did Caden tell him?